I got my start as a used car salesman. Money for jam, really. The suckers, ah, I mean customers, would come rolling up expecting to get cheated and ready to beat your price down to something more reasonable. I'd quote an outrageous price and reluctantly let myself get beaten down to something that they considered more reasonable and I knew was still outrageous. Why the hell they don't check the Blue Book to find out the official value for the crap-heap of their choice I do not know.
From used cars I graduated to selling new cars. You'd think it would be the same lurk but it's not. New cars come with an official price tag so I can't inflate that and let them beat me down. What I had to do now was underquote the value of their trade-in and let them persuade me to give them more than it was worth, which I would reluctantly do, praising the good Lord that they hadn't checked the Blue Book to get a realistic value for their beloved trade-in. Then I'd get busy selling them little extras. Some customers are easy money when it comes to those extras.
I've since moved on from new cars and am now selling caravans and motor-homes, new and used. People expect to pay through the nose for caravans and motor-homes and I'm happy to oblige them. You get them out on a nice spacious caravan and demonstrate all the features and they go all starry-eyed, thinking how envious the neighbours were going to be when they rolled up in this beauty.
The internal extras were the big selling points for the women. The men tend to worry about road-holding ability and the engine power for motor-homes and boring things like that. I've had nice lace curtains clinch the deal with some women.
As with any business you have ebbs and flows in the tide of customers. Tuesday and Wednesday are generally pathetic sales days and I make it a practice to take those two days off. Why waste time at work if you're not going to make money? However, I do pay my debts and I owed Mike a favour so when he asked if I could fill in for him on a Wednesday I muttered grumpy words under my breath and agreed. If nothing else I could make sure all my paperwork was up to scratch.
I was the only salesman there that day so I was somewhat bored. I was just settling down for a long day of nothing when a car drove onto the site. It wasn't just any old banger. This was an ostentatious, look-at-me, I'm rich and boasting about it, type of car. I knew in an instant that if this guy was after a caravan or motor-home he'd want the flashiest top-of-the-line model he could lay his hands on.
He pulled up and got out and came strutting over to me. At the same time a lovely young thing hopped out of the passenger's side and followed him.
"Can't stay," he snapped at me. "Too busy. The wife'll pick out a van for me. She knows what I like. I'll be back in a couple of hours."
"If you're getting a caravan can I assume you've got a good 4WD at home?" I asked him, and he gave me a dirty look.
Why would I need a 4WD?" he demanded, jerking his thumb towards his look-at-me mobile.
"Well, that's a very nice car," I admitted. "Very nice. But you don't really want to hitch a thoroughbred racing horse to a baker's cart, now do you. It'll do the job but it's not really the car for it."
"Ah, I see. And I suppose you have a nice 4WD that will just suit me down to the ground?"
"Sorry," I informed him, enjoying the look of surprise on his face. "We only sell vans and motor-homes. If you want a decent 4WD you'll find there are some good car-yards further down the road."
They were there, all right, but only one had a decent range of 4WDs. That's where this guy would finish up going to get his 4WD, earning me a nice spotter's fee. I'd send them a message as soon as he was on his way. (Not that he really needed one, his showboat was quite capable of doing the job, but he'd realise that a 4WD would do an even better job and wouldn't be able to resist getting one. Conspicuous consumption at its finest.)
He promptly jumped back in his car and took off, leaving me there with the charming young thing.
"I'm Paul," I said, introducing myself, "and I'm afraid I didn't catch your name?"
"Probably because James forgot to throw it," she said with a smile. "I'm Mandy Randell."
"OK, then, Mandy. Do you have a price range for the van you want?"
She did indeed and it was somewhat on the high side. I almost salivated thinking about my commission.
"Do you have any preference for make or would you just like me to show you what I think would suit?"
"How do you know what I would think suitable?" she asked, seeming to be genuinely curious.
"I'm a salesman," I pointed out. "I have to be able to look at customers and decide the sort of thing they would find appealing. I take into account their age, the way they dress, what they currently drive, and their general attitude. As you're buying something more towards your husband's taste than to your personal taste I will naturally show you things that I think he will like. I'll also show you a few vans that I think you'll prefer. Once I see what you like and what you think he will like I will try to select a van that you will both be happy with."
I started off with the high end vans, showing her the type of thing that I knew her husband would drool over, imagining everyone looking at his van and envying him. I ignored little details like cost, explaining anything I showed her would be in her nominated price range and we could debate actual cost when she finally made a decision.
After showing her the vans that would meet his criteria I moved on to a number of vans that I thought would appeal to her. These were vans with better interiors, designed to please women, and I could see her interest perking up as she checked them out. She started asking a lot of questions about the furniture and appliances supplied and I was starting to get a feel for the sort of thing she really wanted.
I finally came to the van that I intended to sell her. Or sell to her husband, anyway. It was top of the range and fairly pricey but still within her stated price range and not the most expensive van on the lot. Oddly enough the most expensive vans tended to be bought by elderly people who intended to live in them permanently and didn't mind paying extra for what was effectively going to be their house.
This van looked flashy enough to appeal to her husband and had one of the better internal layouts. Mandy was nodding thoughtfully as she looked over the exterior and I could see she considered that it was something her husband would go for. I escorted her inside and started showing of the décor and she was getting more and more into it as we went. As far as she was concerned this van was it. Now all I had to do was sell it to her husband and I thought I'd have no real problems doing that. Just cast doubts in his ability to handle it and he'd be all over me like a rash, throwing money at me in his eagerness to get his hands on the van and prove me wrong.
Mandy turned to me with a smile.
"I don't know," she said. "This van just doesn't seem right to me."
She had to be joking. Trying it on or something. This caravan was ideal, perfect for both her and her husband. What more did she want?
"I see," I said carefully, although I didn't see at all. "Well, there are a lot of other vans we can look at. Where does this one fall sort?"
"The bed," she stated, no doubt in her voice whatsoever.
"The bed?" I asked. The van had an excellent bed. If she didn't like the mattress we could always swap it for one she did like. What difference did the bed make?
"You have to admit that it's a little on the small side," Mandy explained.
I didn't have to admit any such thing. This was a caravan, for god's sake. You weren't going to be sticking a king size bed in a caravan. There was only so much room available. I strolled back to where the bed was currently folded up and out of the way and unclipped it, letting it settle back down to the floor.
Turning, I sat on the bed and bounced. A decent mattress, not too soft and not too hard, with ample spring in it. I settled back and then twisted about until I was lying full length on the mattress. Plenty big enough. I swung back off the bed.
"If my memory is correct your husband was about my height. The bed is certainly big enough for me to lie down so he should have no problems."
That was for sure. The man was at least an inch shorter than me and he didn't have my bulk. Well, OK, he had some extra bulk around his waist that I didn't have but my general stature was larger.
"Why don't you lie down and see how it feels," I suggested.
Mandy still had a doubtful look but hopped up on the bed and lay down. She looked really cute lying there like that.
"Now we're agreed that I'm roughly the same size as your husband. Why don't I just hop on next to you and you can get a better idea of how the bed works for you."
I didn't give her a chance to say yes or no, just settling onto the bed next to her, propped up on one elbow, demonstrating that there was easily room for the pair of us. She blushed slightly, chewing on her lip, apparently still not quite sure.
My eyes ran over her. She really did look sweet and cute lying there. I reached down and lifted the hem of her dress, moving it up out of my way. She had on a pair of lime green panties that suited her very well. Not that there was much of them.
