As is obvious from the title, this is my take on the "Wife Wants To Date" genre. I have tried to put a unique spin on it, hopefully readers will agree!
I have to thank my Sweet Inspiration blackrandl1958 for her advice and of course her editing.
I came home from a tough day at the office and didn't see my wife.
"Jane," I called up the stairs, "I'm home."
"I'll be right down, Tarzan."
That was our little joke. We met at a costume party where I was dressed as Tarzan. We almost collided, and I said, "Excuse me, I'm . . ."
"You Tarzan," she interrupted, poking me in the chest, "Me Jane," pointing her finger at her delectable cleavage, then she broke out laughing. It turned out her name really was Jane, and we had been "Tarzan and Jane" ever since.
We'd been married for five, what I thought were happy, years, and I popped open a beer, sat on the couch and put on the six o'clock news.
They had just finished the headlines when Jane came down the stairs. My eyes nearly popped out of my head. She was wearing my favorite LBD. It came to mid-thigh, and while the cleavage might not have been red-carpet worthy, it wasn't exactly modest either. I knew it was totally backless, which meant that she wasn't wearing a bra, though the movement of her breasts gave that away anyway. She was also wearing the necklace I gave her on our anniversary, just a month earlier.
I picked up my phone to capture the vision for posterity, little did I know what I would really need it for.
"Wow!" I said eloquently, "I didn't know we were going out. Give me a few to freshen up and change. Where are we going, anyway?
"
We're
not going anywhere. Robert Cohen invited me out to dinner and dancing tonight. I'll probably be late, so don't wait up."
"Not Bob Cohen, the pussy hound who was banned from all company parties after he got fresh with one too many married women?"
"He's not like that, it was just an uptight bitch with a jealous husband who caused all the trouble."
"Well, there's one jealous husband right here that says that there is no way I'm allowing you to go out with him."
"'Allow me?' You don't own me," she said, starting for the door.
"I may not own you, but when we made our wedding vows we gave ourselves to each other. That meant something to me, I thought it meant something to you."
"Oh, don't be so medieval. This is the twenty-first century; nobody believes in that shit anymore."
"Gee, I wish you had told me that sooner, so that we could have gotten divorced and dated whomever we wanted."
"Divorce? As if," she threw her head back laughing.
Following her to the door, I grabbed an old friend out of the coat closet as a Lexus pulled into the driveway.
"There's Robert now. Order yourself some pizza or something." She walked out the door.
"Jane," I said, and as she turned around I ripped the dress right off of her, leaving her standing there in just a skimpy black thong and heels. She froze a moment, then ran back into the house.
I started walking towards the Lexus, tapping the Louisville Slugger into my left palm and Cohen threw his car into reverse, burning rubber getting away from there.
Nodding to the neighbors who had enjoyed Jane's free show, I went back into the house, returning the bat to the closet.
I got a fresh beer as the first one had gotten warm, and sat back down to await the fireworks.
I didn't have to wait long before Jane came back down wrapped in her robe, and she was steaming mad.
I couldn't keep track as she ranted and raved, as Paul Simon said, I heard words I never heard in the Bible. I just sat there until she wound down.
"Just what were you thinking, or were you thinking?" I asked her.
"I don't know. Our life has become so routine, we never seem to have fun like we used to."
"How is it that I'm only hearing about this now? Not to mention that the last few times I've tried to get you to do anything different, you were always 'too busy,' or weren't interested, or it was gross. Even if you could somehow justify cheating on me, why humiliate me with this attempt to cuckold me?"
"Because I didn't want to cheat, I figured if I told you it wouldn't be cheating."
"That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. Having sex with another person without my permission is cheating."
"Maybe you could give me permission?" she said, looking up at me hopefully.
"You really have lost your mind. I've gotta get out of here before I say or do something that one or both of us will regret." I grabbed my keys and was out of there before she could even get out of her chair.
I did what any other manly man would do in this situation. I went to my favorite bar to cry in my beer.
"What's the matter, John?" Sam said as he put another bottle in front of me. "You look like you lost your best friend."
"You may not be that far off, Sam. When I came home tonight Jane was dressed to the nines, told me she was going out with this pussy hound from work and that I 'shouldn't wait up.'"
"You told her no, of course."
"Of course I did, what kind of a cuck do you take me for?"
I was just about to wipe the silly grin off his face when he said, "Just messin' with ya, man. So what happened then?"
"Oh, she gave me all the usual bullshit about how I didn't "own" her, that fidelity was medieval."
"I take it you didn't buy what she was selling?"
"Ding, ding, ding, ding. Got it in one. Right at that moment, the asshole pulled into the driveway and Jane headed out the door."
"She didn't! What did you do then?"
"I grabbed a persuader out of the closet, followed her out and ripped the dress right off her. She froze for a minute, then realized that all the neighbors could see her in just her thong, and she ran back into the house.
"I started walking towards the car with my persuader, a Louisville Slugger, and the pussy took off."
"Seems like a win for you. So what brings you to my humble establishment?"
"The win was only momentary. I was nursing a beer when she came downstairs, loaded for bear. When she calmed down some, she started in again on the bullshit. Our sex life was 'routine,' it wouldn't be cheating if she didn't do it behind my back, if I gave her permission."
Sam was speechless.
"That's when I had to get out of there, and here I am."