My Stupidity

My stupidity.

My phone lit up at 2.17am, it was her. At last, it was her.

The last five hours have been the longest, most hellish hours of my life. In between pacing from one room aimlessly to another in an endless search of something to occupy my time, I find myself looking back and forth at the clock on the wall constantly. Time is going so slow.

I am sure I have aged at least ten years tonight, the nail on my right thumb is bleeding where I have bitten it to the quick. The bottle of brandy on the side is midway to the bottom yet I feel quite sober. My head aches though, it aches so badly that I feel nauseous and sick. Every muscle and bone in my body ached, my heart ached.

I knew that I deserved this and more, but it doesn't help. All I could think about is her being taken by him, fucked by him, sucking him and kissing him. Being with a man that is not me.

I hated every single second that she would be with him. She is my wife, and for a short while I had lost sight of that. For that I must take this on the chin and move on.

Now that I know her night is over and she is on her way home my anxiety is calming, but I still find I am perched and rocking on the edge of my chair waiting to hear her key in the lock.

I also know that all of this is my own fault, but that does little to stop this empty, gut wrenching, heart-breaking feeling. I have cried on and off over the last few hours and I have felt so sorry for myself sitting here to the point of wanting to do something silly.

In my mind I have had such dark thoughts of what she might be doing, with him.

Tonight she spent over two hours locked away in our bedroom making herself ready for him. She made sure I suffered waiting downstairs with anticipation for her appearance.

She had gone all-out spending a small fortune on a new designer dress and matching shoes for tonight. I had no choice but to swallow the bitter pill.

When she finally appeared I welled up inside, I did my best to keep it together but she was stunning. I had forgotten just how incredibly beautiful she is.

At 36 she is at the peak of her life and I had misjudged her I had taken her for granted in the worst possible ways.

She slowly descended the stairs glaring at me with piercing blue eyes that looked into my soul. With one hand on the rail she delicately placed one foot in front of the other, moving so gracefully on her impossibly high heels.

Her toned leg showed through to the top of her thigh as it slipped between the split in the front of her silk dress. Her hair was up in a loose bun with whisps of hair framing her beautiful face. Her long drop, diamond earrings that I bought her for our tenth anniversary made the light dance on her perfectly sculptured neck.

Why had I been so, so stupid.

I stood in silence watching her almost glide down. She held out her hand to me at the last step and I took her beautiful manicured hand into mine, praying to God she would not go through with this.

My eyes were moist and my mouth was dry, I could not utter a word as I took in her beauty. I could hear my heart beating like thunder in my ears.

Why, oh why did I agree to this.

Moira had been working out for the last year relentlessly and it showed. She had lost over a stone and turned what little fat she had had into muscle, her body was toned to perfection now.

The dress she had on showed her new body like I had never seen it before, it clung to her every curve and she looked like a movie-star. She was now sex on legs and she knew it.

We were both very career minded people and children could wait, but I had a feeling we had left it too long.

We had slowly drifted apart over the last few years. Seeing her now, dressed like this and with that look in her eyes that I had not seen in years made me wonder why?

Moira picked her clutch bag from the table in the hall and said nonchalantly, "Don't wait up, I'll see how the night goes. I might not be home until daylight."

With that she swiveled on the toe of her shoe, turned and made for the door.

"Please love, don't do this."

She glanced back at me with a look of distain over her shoulder as she closed the door.

I sighed and slumped back against the wall slowly dropping to a puddle on the hallway floor.

It was 18 months ago that I found myself obsessed with a young girl that worked in accounts, she was a pretty young thing with such a bubbly personality. Terri was only 20 years old and she was filled with the exuberance of youth, I was flattered when she sat by me in the works restaurant for lunch.

Over the next few weeks we timed our breaks so we could sit together. I became completely infatuated with her, she was in my every thought, she even invaded my dreams. She probably saw me as no threat as I was much older than her and just a friendly face at work.

She had such a lively life with lots of friends, she would go out clubbing every weekend till the birds sang their morning songs. I was jealous of her lifestyle, I missed being young but I felt young when I was with her.

It was a month into our daily meets when our work-life changed. We were sitting chatting about this and that when I felt her hand come to rest on my thigh, I froze.

"John, I like you."

I sat motionless, staring straight ahead and rigid as a post. I could feel every fibre in my body tense up.

"John, I really like you. You have not pestered me like the others here. You have been the perfect gentleman. The problem I have is, I don't want you to be a perfect gentleman with me."

My eyes looked both ways with my head static searching for onlookers. No-one was watching, her hand tightened its grip on my thigh and I tensed up more.

"John?" she whispered. "Say something?"

I slowly turned to her, "Terri, I am flattered but you know I am married."

"I know." She said calmly.

Her hand crept higher, I tried to move in my chair but that only made her resolve stronger.

"John, I mean....I really like you."

Her hand came to rest on my growing bulge, she lightly squeezed. I again scanned the room in panic, everyone was more interested in their dinners than what was happening here.

Terri, moved her chair back and stood, "Meet me outside in the carpark after work, if you like me too ok?"

My head was in turmoil all afternoon, my cock was like an iron bar remembering her touch. She is 20, I am like, 38. What would she see in me? I was hopeless, I couldn't concentrate on anything. The clock was dragging and it seemed like it had been 2.30 for hours!

I had far too many coffees trying to calm myself down, it had the opposite effect and by 4 o'clock I was buzzing and climbing the walls.

I packed my pens and pencils away into my desk, shuffled and tidied the paperwork for the hundredth time. I slowly made my way out, half hoping she wouldn't be there.

It was late November, so it was cold and dark as I exited our main building. I pulled my overcoat tightly in around myself pulling the collar up as if to hide. It was freezing, and the carpark was at the far end of the complex.

It took a few minutes of brisk walking to my car, I was looking out to see if she was around. As I got closer she was nowhere to be seen, I didn't know if I was disappointed or relieved.

My car lights sprang to life as I clicked the key-fob, it was then that she appeared from behind my car.

"About time! it's cold and I've been here 15 minutes, can I get in?"

"Terri, we shouldn't...."

She grabbed my crotch again, "What, what shouldn't we....."

"Get in quick, before anyone sees us." I opened her door and ushered her into the passenger seat.

I quickly got around to my side and jumped in, the lights of the car turned themselves off and we were plunged into darkness again.

"Terri, I am married. We can't do this."

She looked over to me and unbuttoned her blouse, I could feel a bead of sweat forming on my brow.

"Don't worry, no-one can see." She giggled.

She raised her left leg and slipped one hand between her legs, the other squeezed her partially exposed bosom. The bead of sweat was forming into a river running down the back of my shirt now and I could feel myself start to shake. Nerves had completely taken over me and I could not stop the shaking.

She looked across at me with puppy-dog eyes, she placed her wet fingers under my nose and said, "Kiss me."

I lost all of my resolve and leant across the seats, I took her exposed tit in my palm and kissed those luscious, pouty, young lips. She tasted of strawberries and her perfume was intoxicating. I felt her fingers tugging at my belt, all reason left me and I raised myself off of my seat to help her pull my trousers off. Within seconds she had my cock inside her hot mouth and sucked me in. I'd like to say I was a stud but I lasted no more than 30 seconds, I gripped onto the steering wheel and her head as she swallowed it all.

That started a six month long affair, we fucked at every opportunity. I took her on trips when I was asked to go to the odd conference, we spent weekends in top hotels fucking ourselves silly. I was in heaven, she would keep me on edge all day at work with her hand in my pants at dinner, then blow me in the car as I gave her a lift home.

I was so careful not to go home with any tell-tale smells on me, anything that could give myself away.

What I did find was that my sex drive went through the roof and Moira was doing her best to keep up with me. We had drifted apart over the last few years but I was on such a high and I took it home with me.

Moira mentioned about us both joining a gym, we joined just after the new year. I lasted a month, she was annoyed with me as it gave us a joint interest but I found it boring. She carried it on and got fitter and fitter, she even signed up for a mini-marathon and started to play golf. I dropped her at the gym then went on to meet Terri for an hour or two. I had the best of all worlds or so I thought.

Unknown to me I had been seen by one of Moira's friends going into a hotel 20 miles from home with Terri on my arm. I was not half as clever as I thought I was, and Moira had noticed a change in my behaviour over Christmas.

She checked my phone and pockets over a few weeks finding what she had dreaded.

Her friend Sally's husband was a P.I. and she persuaded her to help by following me. She made video and photo's of us together so I couldn't deny it.

Moira gave me months to come clean, she came up with ideas for us to do things together, hence the gym and golf. I thought it was my newfound sex drive that had boosted our love life at home. How stupid was I? Moira had tried her best to woo me back by being sexier, fitter. I hadn't even noticed that she had completely changed her appearance because I was too caught up in my own selfish world. She had become so much more affectionate, it was like it was when we first married. I was getting sex from Terri during the day and my wife at night, could life get any better?

It was around late spring when Terri told me she wanted to cool it for a bit, an old boyfriend was coming back to town on leave from the army. She wanted to see him and I was jealous, I was being dumped for a 22 year old kid! My pride couldn't handle it and we argued.

It affected my work and home life and I started silly arguments with Moira, that was when she shook my world.

"Fuck off to your little bitch girlfriend then!" she shouted one day after a particularly heated exchange.

"What!"

"You fucking heard me!"

Moira never swore and here she was in continuing sentences giving me her best shots. She ran at me punching at my neck and chest, pummeling me with her clenched fists, crying and screaming. I backed away and ran to the downstairs toilet locking the door behind myself. She kicked and punched at it in a frenzy trying to break in.

She was screaming abuse, months of pent up aggression and anger directed at me through that poor door. I sat back onto the toilet with my head in my hands. "Fuck, Fuck. How does she know?"

The tirade went on until she could scream and cry no more. It went quiet, I left it until I heard her move away before I ventured out. I found her sobbing in the dining room.

"Moira?"

A coffee mug smashed against the wall beside my head, she had pure fury in her eyes. I knew better and left the house for her to calm down.

I phoned Terri to tell her that Moira knew, she answered with, "Oh, ok, well that makes it easier for me then eh. It was fun while it lasted, bye!"

"You callous bitch! You fucking callous bitch!"

I found I was cursing to myself, she had hung up. she had her boyfriend now and didn't need me.

I walked around for hours in self pity wondering how to dig myself out of this hole.

It was 8pm when I returned home to a dark, quiet house. I slowly and deliberately searched the house for Moira, half afraid she would jump me and stab me or something.

I found her sleeping in our bed with dozens of wet tissues surrounding her. It was then that it hit me, my actions had ripped her world to shreds.

I sat in the corner of the bedroom on the rocker, just watching her sleep. I knew that when she awoke it would start again, I wanted her to sleep forever because she looked so peaceful and serene. How could I have done this to her, I loved her.

I slept in the spare room, she didn't wake until morning. I took a day off from work because we needed to talk. I made a plate of bacon, egg, toast and coffee and took it up to her when I heard her stirring. Stupid of me really to think that would make it all better, I was scraping it off the carpet and the walls for the next 30 minutes.

I met her meekly in the kitchen with my head bowed begging for her forgiveness. She told me that she had known for months, I felt terrible but not as bad as she must be feeling.

She was calmer now and had a cup of steaming coffee to her lips, I didn't get too close for the fear it might come flying at me. She told me of the video and pictures, I had no defence. She talked of how she had tried to make me see sense over months. She made me feel like scum, and I was scum to have done this to her.

Moira had known for ages and kept quiet, she knew that when I dropped her to gym that I was going off to see Terri. She was distraught and sometimes didn't even go into the gym. She would go to the local park alone trying to deal with it, she said she would sit on a bench sobbing trying to get it all out before I returned to pick her up.

The more I heard, the more I hated myself.

All her friends and her family knew and they consoled her, with many telling her to leave me. I thought I was so bloody clever hiding my affair with this young girl and I never even considered consequences, what it would really do to my wife if she found out. I was so caught up in the excitement of it that to be honest, at the time I didn't care.

Which brings us to now.

This all happened over a six month period, eighteen months ago. We have got past it.......nearly.

We are a lot better now, we realise that we cannot live without each other. We do love each other, we know that.....but.

Moira feels that she needs to even the score, how can I argue. I know two wrongs do not make a right but I also know she needs to feel that she gets some kind of justice.

She wants to make me feel what she felt all those months. She needs me to know what it actually feels like to wait at home alone knowing, but powerless.

She says she has nearly got past it, but I fucked my girlfriend hundreds of times. She wants just this one night with her choice, an old boyfriend from her college days.

If I am honest I can see her point but it still hurts to my core and probably my misguided pride.

I last saw her get into his car five hours ago. She will be home soon, I love her so much more than I could ever possibly show her. I know she will have fucked him tonight and I am in no illusions over that. I have resolved myself that I have to live with that.

What I do know is that from this moment until the day I die, I will be faithful to her. She will be home soon and I could never go through another night like this, ever.

The End.