Author's Notes.
Having decided to put pen to paper, so to speak, in order to write what is a kind of autobiography of my and Sandy's relationship, I intend to carry on as I have been doing. That is, I am minded to document the basic events and what I consider to be the milestones of our life together, that is as best I remember them - with a certain amount of creative and poetic license and yes, wishful prose to fill out the gaps.
As a sidenote, Sandy has noticed that I seem to have collected my own what can be described as the opposite of a fan club, this she finds amusing and says serves me right.
That Feeling of Being a Third Wheel.
From my last submission or entry or chapter, some readers might have been left with the impression that following my introduction to Clive, Clive being someone Sandy was involved with, that everything after that was hunky dory. It was not.
Clive was our first and one of the least successful attempts at introducing me to one of her 'beaus'. Sandy did however go on to enjoy an intimate and extended relationship with him, albeit with my interest in abeyance. It was a relationship that as a couple we benefitted from, and in hindsight I suppose he was a good choice as coincidental as it was. I didn't like him and eventually figured if I could put up with him for Sandy then our lifestyle choice might work. His presence also served to highlight some pitfalls I had not considered. Safe to say it wasn't a relationship without its trials and tribulations.
For one, Clive was someone Sandy worked with and so was a big part of her day-to-day life that I was excluded from. That brought with it a certain amount of unexpected, or maybe not so unexpected, jealously on my part as I felt he was in a part of her life that I couldn't be, and that bothered me.
His appearance on the scene also heralded a time when Sandy and I found ourselves going through quite a bit of personal reflection. We were not just finding out more about ourselves, but exploring what kind of emotional and common relationship the two of us were wanting with one another going forward. It was a time of mistakes, misunderstandings, bruising arguments and discovered nuances we'd not considered. We crossed so many red lines only to draw up new ones, and it will sound corny and no doubt will bring derision from some quarters, but we found ourselves re-evaluating 'our universe'.
Enough of that. I can already see Sandy's raised eyebrows when she reads this.
We realised we were living outside of societal norms, what with Sandy's unashamed want for an open relationship with different partners and her unwillingness to compromise, which, despite my initial fraught reluctance, I came to willingly accept and even encourage in my own way.
Our relationship, or should I say Sandy's behaviour and my response would at best be frowned upon if not outright condemned, but then to further add to that, bringing participating cuckoldry to the table could only exasperate decriers further. Discovery certainly risked the prospect of being declared outcasts among our wider group of less close but nevertheless important acquaintances. It might even have affected our careers, especially Sandy's.
But despite all these fears we were muddling along, happy with ourselves. Life went on.
Then I came to terms with and admitted to myself that I had a want of my own, I no longer wanted to be the other half of Sandy's life, I wanted to be a part of Sandy's whole life. By voicing this I was also able to voice what I guess had been supressed desires, for want of a better word, of my own. I am sure Sandy will admit she initially found these puzzling as her reaction as best as I can recall was along the lines of, "What, are you being serious? You want what?"
After meeting Clive I could see from the way Sandy kept talking about him that she was slightly enamoured, that he was no passing fancy, that Sandy was definitely drawn to him, if not attracted to him. When I said as much, I got a frown in response as if to say 'Come again'.
Following on from my first short, deliberate but playfully humiliating introduction to Clive by Sandy things moved quite rapidly. The humiliation aspect of that meeting in itself wasn't an issue, it was clear to me that it was what I had been looking for, subtle but real. As far as I could make out, Sandy had been testing me to see if I was serious, and, like I say, it had been an experience I did enjoy. It was also an experience that Sandy had enjoyed as she later divulged. Seeing my acceptance, she said she'd felt a strong sense of empowerment that she hadn't felt before. To be honest, the way she dismissed me and asked me to leave, and in the casual manner Sandy did, it pressed all my buttons and was far better than I'd imagined.
Afterwards, when she got back home, she was eager to know how I felt, asking if I was I alright, and was it what I'd envisaged. I confessed how I'd had an erection as I left and kept having to adjust myself all the way home - this made Sandy laugh. I even said I'd had to catch the bus home as she had the car keys, even waiting at the bus stop knowing she was inside the café with 'her boyfriend', as daft as it might sound, had in itself been a bit of a turn on. She looked relieved and then laughed and admitted she hadn't thought about how I'd get home but had been worried she'd gone too far.
I was also eager to know how she felt. Sandy confessed she'd had her doubts but then had felt her heart racing on the run up to telling me to leave -- the whole scenario had given her a real thrill, like she was being cruel and kind at the same time. She admitted it had been kinda hot looking at Clive, sharing knowing glances while they watched to see if I would actually do as I'd been told. Sandy even commented on my puppy dog eyes when it sunk in that she was being serious.
I asked "Did you two...!"
Sandy laughed, "Like rabbits, couldn't help ourselves, we went back to his place."
I reiterated it had been a hot experience and then asked what 'this' Clive had said. She just said "He laughed, found it funny that you knew I was screwing around, and that I had left as I had. I think you spurred him on, I liked it."
I think I said something like, "I bet he thinks I'm a dick."
Without thinking Sandy just said, "Yup." Then followed up with "No, he said 'Whatever rocks your boat'."
The second time I met Clive was a week later when he came to pick Sandy up to take her on a date. With no need to hide it; Sandy had told me on the Wednesday morning over breakfast that he would be picking her up on the Friday, that they were going out.
My first comment was "I thought the Barristers Ball or whatever was on Saturday. Sady smiled, "Yeah, Clive got his weeks mixed up, it's not this Saturday, its Saturday fortnight.
MY second reaction was to point out that this was a departure from how she'd/we'd done things before. She'd always left the flat by herself to go out to hook up.
Sandy laughed and said it wasn't the same, then did her best to convince me that Clive coming to the flat to pick her up was not that different from arranging to meet up in a bar, in fact it was better, more open - assuring me that I had nothing to worry about, 'Don't worry he isn't an 'axe' murderer'. I tried to say that wasn't the point but it got lost.
When Clive rang the buzzer, I felt a little awkward as I opened the door to invite him in, it was after all the first time another man had come to the flat for Sandy. I played the good host, perhaps over compensated the joviality and invited him to sit down while he waited. It felt surreal. I recall we attempted to make small talk, but it felt stifled, it was evident he wasn't interested in me, just my girlfriend. I offered him a drink which he declined.
I don't know what it was about him as he'd seemed alright in the café, but as we sat opposite one another, in the living room, there was just something about his demeanour, especially towards me that I felt uncomfortable with. I couldn't put my finger on what it was, perhaps I felt he didn't approve of me, perhaps he did think I was a 'dick', perhaps it was because I felt he was being dismissive of me. But then maybe it was my own inbuilt insecurities and prejudices that wanted me to find a reason not to like him. Being the only one of Sandy's 'dates' that I'd been formally introduced to; he wasn't in my opinion right for Sandy. Who am I kidding, truth was I felt he was too right for Sandy and I did feel threatened - not by him physically, but by their apparent closeness and what he seemed to have going for him, that he was good looking, fit, apparently had a good job, and that Sandy seemed smitten.
Clive looked over dressed for a night out on the tiles, looking dapper, all Black Tie, Jacket and cufflinks, I did wonder why he was dressed so formal but with how awkward we'd been so far, I didn't.
Then, when Sandy came breezing into the room from the bedroom, I admit I had to take a second glance, she was like a different woman, for a start she was wearing her hair up, then there was her overall vibe which seemed so different. She seemed to glide and immediately smiled as if looking for our approval and did a twirl to show off what was a stunning dress. I'd not seen it before, it was one that screamed 'dinner date', screamed boutique not high street.
The dress consisted of a figure-hugging under arm bodice that emphasised the shape of her bare shoulders and upper back as well as her seemingly endless neck while pushing up her buxom breasts. It was sufficiently low cut to allow for a respectable amount of bared skin and cleavage. Sandy was definitely displayed but not 'on display' if you know what I mean. The top was separated from its ankle length slightly billowing taffeta lower half by a tightly clinched waist, I could see Sandy was also wearing a pair of strappy high heels. A string of pearl choker and pearl drop earrings complemented the dress. The sophisticated look was finished by a shawl that gave her a definite Grace Kelly aura.
To me it screamed 'Hunt Ball' - Sandy looked good, no not good, she looked breathtaking.
I was taken by her sheer beauty and also felt a twang of nervousness. I had seen Sandy dressed to go out when she went clubbing, but this, dressed as she was, she didn't seem like my Sandy. My immediate thoughts were, and I admit I was a little peeved, she was looking this good, not for me, but for Clive, that he was the one she'd be seen with.
As I stood Sandy came to me first and gave me an affectionate kiss to my cheek, playfully wiping off some imaginary lipstick with her thumb as if I was a child, she smiled. Then brushing past me she almost pushed me aside in order to go to Clive. I saw him take her in his arms and Sandy slip her arms around his neck in one continuous motion to then share a kiss to the lips, a kiss that seemed to last an eternity. I had a boner. I can still remember the rustle of that dress and her perfume.
A few words or pleasantries were exchanged, Sandy asking if I was going to be okay, it was as if I was some kid being left alone for the first time. I was dying to ask where they were going but didn't. What I did get was Sandy promising me she wouldn't be out too late followed by Clive jokingly adding he'd try to have 'her back' by midnight. I think it was the way he smirked, or I thought he did, that I immediately took to be patronising.
