My Daughter?

Daughter?

A little ten year old girl gave the game away in a fit of spite.

"You can't do that, you're not my Daddy, I've got the paperwork to prove it," She screamed, yes as a ten year old she could scream alright.

She stomped off to her room I guessed.

I swapped looks with Mar, Mariah, but her look didn't quite match mine, mine was a grin, thinking what a fuss about using the laptop, but Mar's expression had no humour in it, but I only thought about that an hour later.

"SEE," Liz the little girl said thrusting some paper at me. "See for yourself," She stood there as upright as she could, looking for all the world like a small cage fighter, all puffed up and breathing hard.

I took the papers from her and looked at them quickly, and then reread them slowly, taking every word in, every word in.

"How did you get this Liz?" I was lost at just the thought.

"It was easy, I told you it was for a school project, you did the swab for me, remember?"

Yes I remembered, and now it was coming back to me, I looked at Mar who was looking back at me questionably, I passed her the papers.

Mar took her time reading them, like me she reread them to make sure that she understood what they were saying, I'd had to.

"Go to your room Liz," Mar said in a voice that broke no argument.

We both sat at the kitchen table, it was where we had all our serious conversations, we could lay out any plans or papers that we needed to look at, this time it was just two sheets of A4 that were in front of us.

I don't know what Mar was thinking about, but I was trying to get my head around how a ten year old could, and did, send off for that test.

Liz was a very, very precocious girl, way above her years in age, in reading, math and just about anything she wanted to be good at, it was hard for most people to understand that she could tell them they were wrong and point out exactly how and why, her reading ability, well she could read quicker and with more accuracy than I could, children's books had been thrown away aged five, so, the how was pretty easy for her, the money, that took a bit more working out, she'd saved and swapped things with older children at school we found out later, so she just ticked the box that asked if you were over eighteen and sent the swabs off with the money, easy, as she said.

Mar and I had been married for twelve years and a bit, just Liz, no other children came along, we had our ups and downs like any other family, but I'd have said we were fine, solid in our relationship, we had a three bed house that the bank was our joint shareholder of, oldish cars, but happily going along until that evening.

Back to that evening.

"So, do you want to go first?" I asked.

Mar couldn't or didn't look at me, those two sheets of paper were all she could look at.

"It wasn't as you are thinking Dave."

"So what do you think I'm thinking?"

Mar was breathing heavily and had the occasional sob, I saw tears in the corner of her eyes.

"I didn't have an affair, I'm not having an affair ... it shouldn't have happened and," Mar got up and bolted for the bathroom.

I went and made tea, it was better to have a clear head was my guess.

Mar came back just after I had put the mugs on the table.

"So, ... you went to bed with someone else, ten years ago, got pregnant and have let me believe that she was mine, all this time and you knew she wasn't and didn't say anything," I took a long time to think before saying anything else., Mar just looked at those pages.

"Do you still see him? Are you still FUCKING him?" I was angry and getting more angry as it sank in.

"Who the fuck is it Mar."

Mar found her voice.

"It was only the once, I promise, only the once ... we were at a party and ... that's why I only ever have one glass of wine if we are out, I, we were drunk and all of us had been flirting and messing around, you included, and when I went to the bathroom, he was coming out and he pulled me in and I let him watch me pee, ... what started as a laugh ... he took me bent over the bath, it was quick there was no kissing or affection in it, it was just a spur of the moment thing that should never have happened, I regret it every second of the day, you have to believe me on that Dave."

I looked at her, I didn't know what to think or say, but my mouth went on before my brain started.

"Believe you, how can I do that? You've lied to me for over ten years, how can I believe anything anymore."

Liz took that moment to reappear in the doorway.

"Look what I've found," she held the laptop out showing a website.

I thought I was being very rational, but maybe I wasn't.

I took the laptop from her hands, it was the thing that had changed my life, I saw it in my hands and took it out the back door, I beat it, smashed it over and over again, I took my frustration out on this piece of plastic and metal, there wasn't anything in it that would be of any use to anyone when I put it down on the kitchen table.

Liz and Mar had come out to see what I was doing, they were both crying when I got inside, Liz for her website and Mar for the end of her marriage.

I never went to bed that night, my brain couldn't stop.

I packed what I could, there wasn't anything that I wanted anymore, I felt dead inside.

I went to work and somehow got through the day, I slept in the car that night not knowing what else to do

Still not having slept it wasn't until a friend in the office asked what had I been doing, his comments that it looked like I slept in the car and I needed to have a shower did sink in.

A good friend must have had a word with my supervisor, he took me back to his place and made me shave and shower, he never asked and I never said what had caused my problems, I stayed a fortnight in his place, sleeping on the sofa, I found my little room, it was just a room, the bathroom was down the hallway, the kitchen was one electric ring and a kettle.

Mar had tried to get me to go home, not that it was my home anymore, I asked for time and she gave it to me.

I'd sort of got my brain back into something like normal and went to her house, as I saw it now, one evening after work.

Mar opened the door and Liz ran to hug me.

"Daddy, Daddy where have you been?" A ten year old might be a genius, but they had no idea about relationships, and how easy it can be to break them, in her eyes it was all over, she had shown how clever she was, job done, let's get onto the next one.

I looked at Mar and shook my head in anguish, but I didn't say anything to Liz.

We sat at the table again, just looking around I felt like a stranger here now, Mar wanted to talk, she wanted me back, she wanted to make it up to me, we could talk, go to get help, but I only had one question.

"WHO," Mar didn't want to tell me, "so you're still protecting him and not me" Finally got a name, Jamie, he and Debbie were? Not with me he wasn't anymore, good friends, they lived around the corner and we socialised together as families.

"Does he know?" Mar shook her head no.

I got up and walked out the door, Mar must have realised where I was going, but she couldn't leave Liz alone and getting her out would be a problem.

Debbie opened the door. "Are you alright Dave, come in, Mar said you had to have some time on your own, anything we can help you with?"

Jamie came out to see who Debbie was speaking to.

I walked into the kitchen and sat at their table.

"Yes, there is something you can do Debbie, you and Jamie here can start to pay for his daughter, that little girl that he gave her at a party we all went to over ten years ago," if it had been a TV comedy it would have been funny seeing their faces going through so many changes, but it wasn't.

"I've spent ten years paying for your daughter's upbringing, you owe me that back, I heard that you just got a big pay increase, that's lucky, you will pay Mariah from now on, Debbie can sort it out with her, I don't want to see or hear that you have said a word, a single word to her from now on, I'll cut your balls off if I find out, and you better believe that I will find out," I took a big breath.

"Any questions?" I was about to get up when something occurred to me.

"You knew didn't you Debbie, you fucking knew."

"I guessed, I didn't know for sure, but after that party Jamie wasn't himself, something was troubling him and for a long while he couldn't ... he couldn't do anything in bed with me, I knew that something had happened, and when Mar told us that she was pregnant, after all that trouble getting pregnant something just told me that maybe ... I didn't want to know, or spoil your happiness, can we still stay friends in some way?"

"Not a hope, I hope you, not him, you will keep an eye on Mariah, she'll probably need it, just pay up you snivelling excuse."

I got up and walked away, I was proud of myself for not killing him.

I went back to her house, told her that Jamie will pay her from now on for his daughter's upkeep, Debbie would talk to her, I told her I was going to walk away from everything, her her daughter this house, everything was hers from now on, keep it or sell it I didn't care, I told her not asking her, not to contact me for anything.

I walked away throwing the car and house keys on the table as my parting gift.

Oh there were representations from friends and relatives, we could get over it, it was just a hiccup, I held my council and never spoke about it, I'd turn away from anything to do with her, him or us.

I changed jobs internally and moved up the country to get away.

Over the years I worked my way up the ladder, I'll never be a boss, but I was comfortable where I was and at what I was doing, twelve years later it fell apart.

I'd seen on the company website and read the email that was sent to 'All', they, the company were very pleased to announce that Ms Elizabeth Cain was joining us, how nice for them I thought.

She would be heading up the department that started 'new projects', great, NOT, I'd heard on the grapevine that she was doing the rounds, having a quick chat with every single member of staff, really I was thinking, really.

I was the head of five people who looked at the odd insurance claims that looked as if they weren't real, I had my own little office in the corridor just outside the main open plan office.

"Hello Daddy," said a voice in the doorway.

"What do you want? I know who you are you can move on next door,"

I hadn't looked up from the sheets of paper on my desk.

"Please Daddy, I just wanted to tell you something,"

I lost it, I'm not a hot headed man, I don't swear in normal circumstances, I kept myself to myself, as far as I knew nobody here knew anything about my past life.

But seeing her, hearing how she just wanted to tell me something, the last thing she had told me ended my happy life, which I've never got back, as I said, I lost it. Big time.

"You fucking bitch, how dare you call me by that name, it was you who fucking ruined my life, how dare you come back into my life you fucking cunt, you're a cunt just like your mother now fuck off and leave me alone, get out, get the fuck out of my office,"

I had to wipe the spittle from my lips, and the pages on my desk.

My blood pressure was sky high, I was sweating and breathing fast as I looked at her for the first time, I banged my head on the desk.

"My office, NOW," said a voice, not in any friendly way, "Now,"

"No, it's alright I deserve it," said a much quieter voice.

I heard the door click closed.

"What's going on here," said the first voice, but much quieter this time.

"Maybe it will be better if you leave us alone,"

"I can't, won't leave you with him, not after that outburst, he doesn't sound safe to be left with, I'm staying, or we all go to my office,"

I looked up for the first time, oh fuck, I was thinking, head of HR.

Then I looked at her, I saw Mar, as she was when we met all those years ago, they would have passed as twins, identical twins at that, same nose, chin, eyes and build, I dropped my head again on the desk.

My anger had abated, but I was feeling like I had all those years ago after walking out, drained of all my energy, I couldn't have run to save my life just then.

"I'm sorry Daddy, and I am always going to call you that because you are the only Daddy I've ever had, I was young and didn't understand, I ... was only ten, and so bloody cleaver, and yet knew absolutely nothing about life, I didn't understand what I was doing or saying,"

I felt as much as hearing her move to my side and felt her hold me.

"Please Daddy, look at me,"

I looked at her kneeling but my side.

"I beg you to come home, I'll do anything if you will just have five minutes with Mummy, look," Liz put on big knife on the desk from her bag.

"What the hell Liz," it must have been the head of HR.

"It's fine Angela, he won't hurt me, he loves me just as much as I love him, he just won't admit it to himself," Did I popped into my head, did I?

"Look at this Daddy," she picked a sheet of paper up and cut it with the knife showing me just how sharp it was.

"Cut me if you want," I heard whispered talking in the background.

"Cut me, Daddy, push it into my heart if you want, slash my face if it will make you feel any better,"

She put the knife in front of me on the desk.

"It's that or kill yourself, end the pain once and for all, and then I'll do it and then Mummy will do it this time, ... I don't suppose that you know that I found Mummy looking at that knife shortly after you left, I watched her not knowing what she was thinking, it took me three years to figure it out, I had to go and stay with ... Debbie for sixteen months, it was there that I learned what I had done, done to you and Mummy, and of course myself,"

I sat up at that.

"No, Debbie had thrown him out by then, it's alright, he's never been around again."

I relaxed. I didn't know what to say, I'd been too uptight in my head to think about anybody else and what they were thinking or doing.

"So, ... how is your mum?"

"Oh she gets her good days, and still has her bad days, but she keeps taking the pills and gets by,"

I nodded, thinking and looking at her.

"So, ... does she, why does she ... want to see me?"

"Just to tell you how sorry she is, she knows that you will never, it will never go back to how it was, but you left her, she just wanted to say sorry I think. ...Do you think that you could do that? For you as much as me and her,"

I didn't say anything. Liz got up and turned my chair to the side of my desk, she sat on my lap put her hands around my neck and leaned into me.

"This is my memory of us, it's what I dream of, so thank you for letting me enjoy it again," she kissed the side of my chin just as she did twelve years ago.

We sat like that, time wasn't a thing I was thinking about, but someone was, there was a cough, just to get our attention.

"I think it's time to take this back to my office," said that nasty voiced woman.

"No, no I don't think that's a good idea Angela, I don't know about you, but I don't think that Head Office will want those pictures of you being passed around, do you?"

"You wouldn't, but even I could hear the doubt in her voice,"

"Try me Angela, everyone here will love that snap of you with your dog collar and lead on.

You will let this go, nobody's going to take Daddy's little meltdown seriously, not after you tell them he just needs a week off, too much pressure in his job, whereas those pictures will be the talk of here for years to come, long after you're gone, but not forgotten,"

Liz had locked eyes with Angela.

"Run along now, Daddy will be back next week, I'll be in in the morning ready to hear how sorry everyone is about Daddy's little problem,"

Angela looked sick, but she backed away and went out.

"Let's give her some time and then we'll go,"

We sat on the chair, her hugging me.

We walked out the back way, not many seeing my escape I was hoping, Liz led me to a car, she drove to a new block of apartments, parked and opened my door, it was like we were on a date and I was the woman, she was the man.

The whole place was new and pristine, Liz opened the door and held it for me closing it when we were in, she took my jacket and hung it up, led me into what turned out to be the lounge area.

The TV was on which seemed odd.

"What are you doing back?" Said a familiar voice, one from the past.

I heard a clatter and saw the remote spinning across the floor.

Liz went to her, held her up and brought her out of the kitchen to the sofa in the middle of the room.

"It's just Daddy Mummy, he wanted to see you," Liz lied like it was nothing.

"I'm just going to make some tea, I'll leave you to catch up," Liz walked out leaving the pair of us standing in shock.

"I don't know about you, but I need to sit down," I said walking to the end of the sofa.

"Mar nodded and sat on the other end.

"Did, ...did you ... know about this?" Mar asked me. I shook my head no.

"Do you really want to see me?" I shrugged my shoulders.

"I've missed you," she looked at the floor.

I didn't know how to answer her so I stayed quiet.

"How are you, are you with anyone? Oh, I shouldn't have asked you that, do you live here, I'm sorry I didn't know what to say to you,"

I just shrugged my shoulders again, I didn't know what to say to her either.

Her daughter, I'd started to think of her as that again, this was too much reflection of the past for me, she must have been listening and appeared with two mugs of tea.

"How are you two getting on?" She put the mugs down.

Mar sort of laughed, not like anything I'd heard before, I shrugged, it seemed that was all I could do.

It became very awkward, nobody knew what to say to each other, I sipped the tea as the silence went on and on.

It got to the point where I had to do something, say something.

"I don't think this is working, do you? The spark isn't there is it, it's gone, I won't pretend that it's ever going to get back to how it was Mar, if you had been honest, back then when it first happened maybe we could have worked it out, but ten years, ten years.

I think you better order me a taxi, I'll go back to work, see if I still have a job or if I need to move again," I looked at her daughter, not at Mar.

There were lots of no stay here a bit longer, we haven't talked yet, things like that, but what was there to say I said.

I didn't go back to work, I went home and had a big drink, I made a promise to myself that I would go out and date again, I deserved it to myself.

Monday I went back to work and went straight to HR, Angela was there which surprised me being so early.

I still had a job, everything was forgiven it seemed, she then dropped two, not one bombshell, Liz had quit, left the company, to look after her mum Angela said with a question in her statement, I didn't think she needed to know about my, our business so said nothing.

The second bombshell was that she asked if we could have a drink after work one night.

I was not expecting that. But what was there to lose I thought, one drink led to another the next night and a home cooked meal on the next Friday night.

It turned out that breakfast was included.

I didn't think it was going to last, but took the bull by the horns and enjoyed as much as was on offer.

I'm still looking for that someone who rings my bell not only in bed.

That's the easy ones to find.