My Big Night 1

For the first time in my five-month affair, my lover and I spent the night together, something we planned to be our last night. Part of the thrill of the affair was the newness which had begun to fade. We also figured the longer we continued the affair, the greater the likelihood that our spouses would find out. I never thought my husband would find out, he trusted me and loved me too much. My lover Davis's wife worried me. We had been so careful, even this event had been planned for over a month, disguised as a bachelorette party for my college roommate.

The realization that I was fucked was the furthest thing from my mind as I approached my car the next morning. I was lost in thought enjoying the soreness in all my holes and the mauling my tits and ass cheeks had received. The man was a fucking machine. I was already regretting that it had been our last night.

I was so lost in thought that I didn't realize my car had been vandalized during the night. Somebody had spraypainted cheating slut all over it and poured something horrible on the inside. The possibility that it was my husband never occurred to me. I still had to get to my in-laws to pick up our kids and I wasn't going to be able to use my car. My original plan had my husband watching them, but he had some last-minute plans. That annoyed the shit out of me, the party had been on our calendar for a month, now I lost precious time with my lover shuffling the kids around.

The extent of the catastrophe still didn't occur to me when Uber kept declining my payment method.

I called my best friend Dee and explained the situation. She agreed to come get me but spent twenty minutes telling me what an idiot I was and was going to line up the hundreds of women who would die to be my replacement. Her husband owned a garage and would arrange a tow truck. He actually dropped off Dee's car and handed me the keys.

After sending my in-laws a text that I was on my way, I began the twenty-minute ride to their house. I pulled into their driveway and saw my two kids, 15 and 13 sitting on their front steps with the front door closed. Normally I would go in and chat, we always got along well. Both kids got in the back seat, didn't acknowledge me and turned up the volume on their i-pods. I was wondering if they had a falling out with their grandparents. It was obvious that both kids had been crying.

Normally their grandparents spoil the shit out of them.

Dee called as I was driving home, I warned her that she was on speaker:

"Jesse, you have to check your Facebook page, Jack knows and your toast." Dee ended the call, and I wondered if the kids heard her. I was still in denial until I pulled onto my street and saw the for-sale sign in the front yard.

Pulling into the driveway I saw Jack standing by his car. Before my car was stopped, the kids jumped out, ran over to their father and hugged him. And before I could put my car in park, they were in his car and backing out of the driveway.

For a long time, I just sat there in shock. Eventually I had to pee, so I went in the house and used the master bathroom. Our bedroom was a mess with clothes strewn about the room and Jack's dresser draws half open or sitting on the floor. The kids' rooms looked worse. I hadn't realized my phone had been blowing up until I sat down at the kitchen table and saw Jack's wedding ring and the manilla envelope. Then it all came crashing down on me.

Much later I found myself in a fetal position on the floor of the living room. I didn't know how I got there. What woke me up was Dee pounding on my front door.

"I need my car back Jesse, yours is totally fucked, just like you. Somebody poured a gallon or two of urine inside, probably deer urine. That will never come out, even if my husband could take the paint off the glass. He thinks its totaled. I am assuming your loving family wasn't so loving when you got home. Have you checked your Facebook page Jesse? It's pretty pornographic. Taking your lover into your mouth right after fucking your ass, I never knew you were so kinky. But it made me throw up."

"What am I going to do Dee, I think I've lost everything."

"Jesse, as someone who use to be my best friend, let me be blunt, you're a stupid cunt who kicked in a wonderful husband's teeth and fucked over your children. Who knows what other collateral damage you caused, not to mention loverboy's wife and kids. You will not get any compassion from me. My husband said he can loan you a junker if you give him your ass. Of course, I'll cut him off for a month to make sure you haven't given him any diseases."

Dee grabbed her keys and left me curled up on the floor. I must have fallen asleep again because it was dark out when I woke up again. There was some wine in the kitchen and I poured myself a glass. Sitting down at the kitchen table I saw a note from Jack under the manilla envelope.

"Jesse, I have known about your affair for several months now, maybe from the beginning. I was never sure what to do about it because I worried how the possible outcomes would affect the kids. Each tryst with your lover killed another piece of my love for you, there was none left long before you planned your "last night" as you called it. It actually inspired me to go scorched earth."

"I wondered if you were so lost in your daydreams of your lover that you didn't realize the complete lack of affection from me or your children. I never said anything to them, but they sensed it, crying to me that you didn't love them anymore. I could certainly relate."

"My parents and I are taking the kids on a month-long vacation. We'll be back in time for the school year, and we'll probably live with them until what was our house sells. Get a lawyer and go over the divorce papers. I tried to be fair although that was so hard. I cancelled our credit cards and took half of what was in our checking and savings. The lease on your car expires at the end of the month along with your cell phone plan."

"You probably can't realize the great joy I felt sending everyone we know all the details of your love fest last night that my PI sent me. That distribution list included your college roommates including the bride-to-be who married five years ago. Two weeks ago, I sent Loverboy's wife the initial PI report and sent her an updated copy this morning. Of course she's divorcing him. She also asked me out on a date along with so many other women. I didn't know I was so popular. After watching you in action, I'm sure you'll be solicited by many men and women. Stop giving it away for free, from the feedback I read, you could make a lot of money."

"I really hope you die a very painful death, maybe we'll be even then."

After refilling my wine glass, I reread Jack's note several times. I wondered when the last time he kissed me or made love to me. I had no idea. And when did my relationship with my children fade, they were my life but so was Jack.

With the exception of bathroom breaks, I spent the day and evening and night sitting in Jack's favorite armchair. My stomach was warning me its contents were about to be forcefully ejected, and I barely made it to the kitchen sink. It had been almost 36 hours since the last time I ate. There were some stale donuts in the fridge, the donuts, coffee and Tylenol eased my throbbing headache. Thankfully the wine was gone.

I went back to Jack's favorite armchair with a bottle of his scotch, looking for some course of action. Finally, I called my mother.

"Are you're fucking kidding me Jesse. Let me be clear, your father has blocked you, your siblings have blocked you and I can bet anyone you were friends with on Facebook has blocked you. So will I as soon as this call has ended. I hope and pray that your stupidity hasn't pissed all over my relationship with my son-in-law and my grandchildren." Then she hung up on me.

I felt more alone than I ever had in my life. I continued drinking Jack's scotch. Somewhere in the evening I sent my lover a text, it was almost unintelligible.

His response was very clear, "Are you fucking kidding me, don't ever try to contact me again. You'll fuck up any chance I have of reconciling with my kids. There's no chance with my wife; she wants to cut my balls off and probably will during the divorce. You have no idea how much I hate you."

During that night, I realized I peed myself. Now I didn't have to get up any more except to get a new bottle of whatever. I continued sitting in Jack's favorite armchair drinking his scotch in my pee soaked clothes. I awoke in the morning hearing an alarm going off somewhere and realized it was Monday morning, and I was supposed to go to work. Remembering I didn't even have a car, I called my boss and told him I was sick and wouldn't be in for a couple of days.

"Yes, we all know you're sick and very famous. There's no way I could allow you back in this office, so you're suspended without pay until further notice." And then he hung up on me.

After a couple more stale donuts, I found myself back in Jack's chair with another bottle of his scotch. My reverie was disturbed by a knock on the door. There was a middle-aged woman at the door with a young couple.

"What," I croaked out. That was my first word since my call to my mother the day before.

"Hi," she said. "I'm the real estate agent your husband engaged to sell the house. He said I should go through you to schedule the showings, but you haven't answered your phone."

She winkled her nose and was staring at me and the bottle of scotch in my hand.

The young man said, "I recognize you; you're the ass to mouth milf. Your pretty famous on U-Tube."

His wife said, "We're not interested in this house, let's go." She dragged him off our porch.

I slammed the door shut and resumed my position in Jack's armchair. The world was pretty bleak when I woke up Tuesday morning. There were no donuts left. Almost all of Jack's scotch was gone and. My credit cards were cancelled, and I had no idea how much money Jack left in our account. When the scotch was gone, I found a bottle of vodka in the kitchen. I sat back down in Jack's chair, it was still wet, but I didn't care. Somewhere during my scotch binge, I had given up on glasses and drank straight from the bottle. I did the same with the vodka.

The world was just as bleak on Wednesday morning, worse actually because there was only a little vodka left, I had peed myself again, maybe more than once and somewhere during the night I got my period. I sat there and said fuck it, maybe it was time to hit the reset button. I finished off the vodka and tried to remember the combination to Jack's gun safe or did I ever know it.

A loud pounding on the door woke me up some time later. I realized that time had lost all meaning for me. Was it Thursday yet? The pounding on the door continued and reverberated through my brain. I was hoping it wasn't that uppity real estate agent again as I stumbled to the door, I actually tripped over something, and face planed on the floor. There was blood dripping from my nose and lips, but the pounding continued. I was going to kill someone. That was the only thought in my head when I threw the door open and screamed obscenities at my mother.

"Jesus Christ Jessie, when you decide you're going to have a pity party, you go all out. How long have you had your period and how many times have you peed yourself? You smell like shit. Did you shit yourself too? When was your last shower and when was the last time you ate anything? Let's get you in the shower. Oh my god, what did you do to Jack's chair."

My mom stripped off my clothes and shoved me in the shower. She was half in and half out of the shower, checking my face which had stopped bleeding and trying to wash me. I heard her talking to my father on her cell, giving him a list of things she would need, mostly clothes for her. She also gave him an order for some subs and lunch meats. I was having trouble standing so she let me sit on the floor. I think I fell asleep again because I woke up and she was trying to put a travel cup of coffee in my hand.

The hot water was running out and she helped me dry off, get dressed and into bed. She had straightened up my bedroom. She was soaking wet. I heard my father come in and they were quietly having an argument. My parents never raised their voices to each other. My father could lower the pitch of his voice which always scared the shit out of me because he sounded like Dart Vader and that's the voice I heard from downstairs.

I heard my mother say, "I understand your point and I don't disagree, but she's still my daughter so I can't let her sit here and drink herself to death. Someday she'll have to make this right with her children. Help me get Jack's chair out of here before I throw up.

Sometime after my father left, my mother dragged me downstairs and forced me to eat some food and drink cranberry juice which should flush out the alcohol.

"Will my father ever speak to me again," I asked my mother.

"Honestly, I don't know Jesse. We're in unchartered territory here. It's not the anger the worries me, it's the hurt in his eyes. That scares me. Fathers always think of their daughters as their little princesses. You pretty much destroyed that, and it will never be undone."

"Jack should never have sent everyone that video."

"You might be right, but you hurt him very much, even more than you hurt your father. I can certainly understand why he wanted to hurt you as much as possible, even though it wouldn't come close to how much you hurt him."

It was hard to eat with tears streaming down my face.

"What's your plan Jesse," my mother asked as she read Jack's note.

"I have no plans Mom. My husband left me and took my kids. My boss suspended me without pay pending further notice. Someone trashed my car, probably Jack, so I don't even have a car anymore. Even my best friend Dee doesn't want anything to do with me. No one wants anything to do with me. There's nothing left mom, absolutely fucking nothing."

"You're wrong Jesse, there's still hope that you can reconcile with your children someday. And if that's not worth living for I don't know what is."

My mother was right of course but was I strong enough to survive until then.

My mother pressured my father to get involved in my behalf. He hired an attorney to represent me in the divorce proceedings. The attorney made sure my father knew that he had seen the video. He felt Jack's offer was fair except for custody, visitation and alimony. With regards to alimony. If we fought that then Jack could counter sue for child support. The video itself would not be admissible in the divorce proceedings because we had the right to privacy in our hotel room, but he still felt there wasn't a judge on the circuit who would grant alimony. The chances of some kind of custody were even worse because the video would be admissible, the same argument would apply to visitation unless it was supervised but he always felt the trauma on the children was not worth the effort. It would be better to wait a couple of years and allow the emotions to die down.

My father argued that him and his wife should be granted visitation. My lawyer drafted a letter which Jack was slow to respond to.

The house sold quickly, bought out by a consortium of my neighbors who were tired of drunken teenagers yelling in the middle of the night that they wanted to fuck my ass. I took my half of the proceeds and bought a two-bedroom condo on the other side of town. We put it in my mother's name to hide me.

My father went to war with my old boss, although he didn't like what I did, there was no Company policy he could point to that I violated. He ended up giving me a job at my former salary if I worked from home. I was ok with that. Of course, I would never see another raise or promotion.

My kids were tortured when they went back to school by all the kids who had seen the video or had heard of it. Jack had to move to a different town near his parents and bought a small three-bedroom rancher and put the kids in a private school. The issue of my parents having visitation was dragging out the divorce. To put an end to it, my father agreed to pay the tuition for the private school and counseling for the kids in return for visitation. Jack couldn't afford to say no but demanded that I not be there.

My parents enjoyed spending time with their grandchildren, and they would call me and tell me about their visit and what was going on in their lives. It was the kids counselor that recommended that they start to renew their relationship with me. He suggested that I be present during their visits to their grandparents. Most importantly, he told me that the kids were repressing a lot of hatred for me, and I had to be strong enough to withstand that. I would literally do anything for my kids. Jack was adamantly opposed but eventually caved as long as I wasn't there when he picked the kids up or dropped them off.

I don't know what I expected but it quickly became clear that my children did hate me. They pretty much ignored me for the first hour I was there. If I moved someplace, they would move somewhere else.

Later in the day, they were sitting at the table eating with my parents and I went over to join them. My parents moved to the other side of the patio.

"I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about what I did, there isn't day that I don't regret it."

"Then why don't you just kill yourself than," said my darling daughter.

"I tried but your grandmother wouldn't let me."

"Too bad," my daughter said, and she got up and walked over to me parents.

I turned to my son, "What about you JJ, do you want me to kill myself?"

"No, because then people would feel sorry for you and no one should feel sorry for you, you created this fucking mess. I like the idea of you spending a long life suffering regret for the hurt you inflicted on our father and my sister and me. Or maybe you're such a self-centered bitch you still don't understand the magnitude of what you've done."

JJ got up and joined his sister with my parents, not giving me a chance to respond.

I didn't give up; every other week I would try and talk to them. The summer was almost over by the time they would respond to a question I asked with something more than one word. And then I was still there one day when Jack picked them up. He was furious with my mother who begged his forgiveness telling him they simply lost track of time. My mother was crying as she fell to her knees begging Jack's forgiveness.

He turned to me and said, "I hope he was worth this."

Jack stormed off with the kids but dropped them off two weeks later. My mother set an alarm clock to remind me to leave a half hour before he was due to pick up the kids.

That was the first time I saw Jack since that big night. He was a shadow of his former self and looked like he aged ten years or more since then. He was gaunt, reminding me of POWs during the war and what was left of his beautiful hair was thin and grey. I wanted to kill myself, crawl into a bottle and never come out. Every time I felt that I had seen all the damage I caused, something else would appear and nothing could be worse than what I saw in Jack that day.

Except there was.

Jack contacted me through my mother about a year after my big night. There was something going on with the kids, he thought it would be best if the four of us discussed it together with counselor. I quickly agreed, I would do anything to help my kids, and I would be in the same room with Jack, maybe I could see his face without all the hate in it. On the day of the meeting I spent hours picking out the dress I would wear. A dress I knew Jack liked, it wasn't sexy in any way, but Jack liked the way I looked in it and I put on some sexy underwear he bought me on an anniversary. I was putting on my makeup when my mother walked in.