Missed Connections

The first year after my divorce from Amy passed, not without its share of drama and challenges with Geoff and Sarah. Outwardly, Geoff projected an air of confidence that Sarah was in charge, and she exclusively determined who would be available to whom, and when. Realistically, I knew that was bullshit all along. Sarah would make and then break weekend dates on short notice. Usually, because "somethings come up" with Geoff, there is a social commitment at the university, whatever. We still managed a couple weekends a month together, and the odd afternoon or overnight connection during the work week on an almost completely random basis. I just adjusted to being surprised when she actually showed up, and tried to stifle my inevitable disappointment anytime a date was broken on short notice.

One thing I was not disappointed of, was Sarah's continued performance in the bedroom. She was the best lover I ever had. Little had become out of bounds in terms of what we tried together. I guess that's what had me tolerating all the BS, that no matter how disappointed I was over broken dates, the makeup sex was so impossibly hot that I just couldn't stay upset with her.

That said, it hadn't escaped my notice that we didn't have any path to a conventional relationship. She was still a married woman, prioritizing social time with her husband, and I was stuck in a perpetual second place. There was no exclusivity implied or expected here, and I felt like this should be reciprocal. We never actually discussed the notion of my dating outside the relationship, frankly I found the conversation too threatening to broach, but I was concentrating more and more time on the dating apps. I had a lot of false starts and caught a few catfish.

Eventually, I met a single mom with 3 kids under 12 named Claire, who's hot shot executive husband had recently left her for another hot shot executive. They had even become a bit of a power couple in town. I don't know what made Claire swipe right on me, but whatever it was, I was clear before our first date I wasn't stepdad material. I figured that would be the end, but she wasn't deterred - she didn't have room in her life for a full time boyfriend and wasn't ready to pursue any long term relationships. It was Claire who suggested during our first dinner together that we skip dessert and end up in bed together at my place.

Claire was never the lover that Sarah was. While younger than me and admittedly still attractive, despite the ravages of her three pregnancies, we had no trouble satisfying our carnal urges together. It wasn't actually often that we hooked up, just opportunistically on weekends where Claire's ex had the kids and Sarah and I weren't already together. I was always so careful with protection, afraid I would slip up and get this obviously fertile woman pregnant and find myself in a situation I never intended to be in. Fortunately, I managed to avoid this mistake, but still couldn't navigate all the challenges of maintaining this relationship.

Sarah and I had made plans to visit the spring cherry blossom festival in the Potomac tidal basin, a DC area spring tradition, during this upcoming weekend. The mob of people assured we would be seen together by someone we knew, but our longstanding tradition of avoiding PDA in public spaces made me believe we could manage it responsibly. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when Sarah messaged me Friday morning to say she was going to have to cancel, and didn't obscure that she would be accompanying Geoff to the festival at his express request.

I mean, I knew this was BS all along. I feel like Geoff does this to torture me, and Sarah is complicit in the matter. I used to get upset, but this time I just messaged Claire to ask if she had the kids this weekend. She didn't. No surprise, we spent Friday and Saturday night in bed together. Claire was sound asleep at 9AM Sunday morning when I was awakened by a quiet knock on my door. Surprise - it was Sarah. Somehow I knew who it would be even before answering the door.

"Good Morning Kyle. Surprised?"

"Yes"

"Are you going to invite me in?"

"Sarah, I have...company. I wasn't expecting you to see you this weekend. I'm sorry."

Sarah recoiled a bit at my explanation, maybe first thinking it was a joke, then processing the serious look on my face, then blushing considerably with the familiar look of anxiety I have seen so many times from Sarah before.

"I-I'm sorry. I need to go now." Sarah abruptly turned and walked away with purpose. I didn't really know what to say under the circumstances, I had to know I would get caught like this sooner or later, not that I entirely felt like I necessarily had anything to apologize for. It's not like our relationship had ever been at least mutually exclusive, nor did I feel compelled to tell her if I was going to be spending time with someone else while she was concentrating on meeting Geoff's needs. No doubt though, I had a problem on my hands.

Claire was awake when I walked back into the bedroom, with an irritated look on her face. She knew we weren't exclusive already, so I didn't feel the need to obscure that my visitor was actually another partner. It was a rotten way to start the day though, and within 10 minutes she was dressed and out the door, insisting she was late to pick up her kids. I had a sinking feeling I might not be seeing her again, Sarah seemed to have that effect on my relationships without much effort. I just hope the "in her face" realization that I too have priorities beyond our complicated relationship didn't somehow irreparably damage the otherwise strong feelings Sarah and I have for each other.

I didn't hear from Sarah on Sunday, or during the day on Monday. This wasn't atypical, but I wanted to reach out to clear the air on where things stand. We managed to get on a facetime together Monday evening.

"Sarah, I want to apologize for yesterday morning. It wouldn't have been this way if I had expected you."

"Well, we had already planned to spend the weekend together, I guess you can imagine I didn't expect you had other plans."

"I actually didn't have any other plans, until you canceled the original plan to spend our weekend together, Sarah."

"Somehow, I knew this was going to be my fault. Damnit."

"Sarah, that's not fair. You cancel a date with me to spend the weekend with your husband, and then feel blindsided when I am spending time with someone else. You know damn well I would have rather spent the weekend with you. And even though there was never any expectation of exclusivity in our relationship, I never dared to use that as a lever against you. Look, I regret it happened. I'm sorry."

"It's not like I didn't know this was a possibility. I just wasn't picturing you with anyone else until I walked into the middle of it. I was...completely blindsided yesterday. I wish I could unsee this, but I can't."

"Sarah, if it matters to you, I will end it. I guess this makes me realize how much you mean to me. I don't want to take a chance at hurting you like this ever again."

"Kyle, I set myself up for this. I haven't earned the right to expect you to end anything. I just need some time to process this."

I didn't hear from Sarah on Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday. I was worried. Friday morning, she texted me.

"I'll see you at your apartment tonight. Hopefully you let me in this time :-)"

Let her in, I did. This was the closest thing to a major argument we had yet experienced in our relationship. It could have broken us. Instead, the makeup sex we enjoyed together all weekend was blistering hot. I think Sarah was determined to show me there was no one who could keep up with everything she had to offer. Or maybe she was making up for the cruelty of dumping me the weekend prior to do the same planned activity with her husband? At the moment, I didn't care. As we cuddled Sunday morning, knowing the weekend was about to wind down, I decided to address the elephant in the room.

"Sarah, you know I've fallen hopelessly in love with you. We have to stop this manic nature of our relationship - the crazy highs and the crushing lows. There has to be a better way."

"I know it's on me. Last weekend I thought I may have lost you. Because I neglected you in favor of my husband. That seemed fair, at least until it was in my face that you deserve better than how I treated you last weekend. I was wrong to cancel our date, and wrong to assume you would be sitting around waiting for me, with no reason to expect me to show up unannounced. Geoff gave the guilt trip that we would be apart for yet another weekend, I fell for it like usual, and acted accordingly to cancel on you. It set the stage for making me feel like shit for how I treated the both of you for the entire past week. None of this would have happened if I had just kept our date, or if Geoff hadn't manipulated me. I let it happen, and I am the one that needs to make this change."

It was time for an intervention. It came quickly, in the form of an appointment between Geoff, Sarah and I in the nondescript offices of Dr. Campbell. It was the first time I had been face to face, or otherwise had any direct communication with Geoff since the relationship between Sarah and I became physical.

Dr. Campbell was happy to play the role of facilitator, and moderator. He set the tone for the session by asking an impossibly simple question, and shutting up and waiting for us to deliver our answer.

"One at a time, Geoff, Kyle and Sarah, and in that order, I would like for each of you to explain to me as succinctly as possible why you think we are here today. Geoff, I would like to start with you. Why are we sitting here together today?"

"I actually don't know Doc and was hoping you might tell me. Kyle and I agreed on the rules for treating Sarah, which as far as I can tell haven't changed, and haven't been broken. Sarah is in charge of her life and her relationships, based on mutual agreement, and I feel like things are better now than at any point since my diagnosis for the two of us. I guess I am going to be surprised, and disappointed to hear if that isn't the case, given the generous personal freedoms I have afforded Kyle and Sarah."

Dr. Campbell nodded, taking notes. "Kyle, what's your perspective?"

"Why are we here? Because Sarah is in an impossible tug of war between the man she married and the man she's fallen in love with. I don't think she can bear the thought of disappointing either of us. And I am not afraid to mix words on how I am feeling about it. I am in love with Sarah too, I am sorry if that's somehow inappropriate to share in front of her husband. And it's killing me to watch her agonize over splitting her time between two men she obviously cares deeply for. I don't have any claim over her and can't fault Geoff for wanting to monopolize her time~"

"~Monopolize her time? You ungrateful asshole!"

"Geoff, please no further interruptions when either Kyle or Sarah are speaking. I promise you time to respond." Dr. Campbell's soothing voice was hoping to lower the temperature in our conversation, but the emotions were on display in a way I can only imagine was about to have the Dr. earn his money for the remainder of this session.

"Kyle, thank you for sharing such a powerful opening statement and for being transparent on your feelings for Sarah, despite having Geoff in the room today. I am sure it was difficult to express, and yet challenging for Geoff to receive. Maybe we can all agree to remain conscious of each other's feelings with respect to what is shared openly today. We are all here under the auspices of remaining friendly, no matter what the outcome of the session is today. Sarah, it's your turn to share why you think we are here."

"Because I won't ever stop loving my husband, and as such prioritize his emotional needs over my own. However, the events of the past year have led me to develop similarly strong feelings for Kyle, beginning after we physically consummated our relationship together in Maui. Geoff maintains I am in control of how I spend my time, but has never completely accepted that means I continue having regular intercourse with Kyle, in a way that isn't possible to reciprocate for him anymore. I am in an impossible situation of being out of control with my emotions, and can't stand feeling like shit all of the time trying to please the expectations of two demanding men."

"Sarah, I think you and I need to speak privately for a few minutes. Geoff and Kyle, is it too much to assume you can remain friendly together for a few minutes in my private suite?"

Geoff and I silently got up and walked into Dr. Campbell's suite.

"One thing. I asked one thing and that was that you not try and break up my marriage. Well look where the fuck we are Kyle!"

"Did the surgeon remove your prostate or your ears, Geoff? Did you not hear Sarah say she's in love with you, and continues to prioritize your needs over her own? Or mine? Christ pal, no one is trying to break up your marriage. You're getting her almost all of the time."

"You're getting the best parts of her exclusively. It doesn't matter how many nights she shares my bed."

"It's never been any business of mine what happens in your bedroom."

"Or mine regarding what happens in yours."

I rolled my eyes at Geoff. I mean who were we fooling? We both knew good and well what was and wasn't happening. We sat together in a tense silence for a half hour until Dr. Campbell asked us to return to the group session.

"Kyle and Geoff, thank you for allowing Sarah and I to meet privately for a few minutes. I believe it was productive and she has a few things to share with both of you. Sarah?"

"Look men, there are two of you and one of me. It's clear to me under the circumstances, expecting the two of you to agree on how we spend our time isn't ever going to be sustainable. That means, it really is up to me to make the call on how time is allocated from this point forward. I believe it will be fair, and remain willing to compromise for both of you, but from now on any disputes are going to be decided by me and my answer will be final."

Geoff and I look at each other, and then turn our eyes simultaneously back in the direction of Sarah. I have to admit, I like the dominant version of Sarah the absolute best, and seeing her this way had me standing at attention in a way that was no longer possible for Geoff.

"From now on, I am spending Friday and Saturday nights with Kyle. Geoff has the right to request one weekend a month, in advance, where we spend time together as well. In exchange, Kyle and I will get one weeknight the week before, and one after, to make up for the lost time."

"That's still 5 nights a week together with Geoff. I hope he finds that more than fair." I was coming over the top as for me, this was a decidedly better plan than what I had access to before.

"Hang on Kyle, I am not finished. I am going to ask both of you to make a concession here. Geoff - I love you, and intend to spend the rest of our lives together as a couple - inside, and outside of our bedroom. But, we both know things here can't, or won't ever be the same as they were before. I need you once and for all to accept this, and remain secure in the admission that I won't leave you under any circumstances."

Geoff nods. "But, what about Kyle?"

"Kyle - you came into my life in a way I least expected, and have taught me so many things I didn't even know I would ever have an opportunity to learn. You've filled a void that opened after Geoff's cancer, and yes, I can admit I am head over heels in love now with you too. Catching you with another woman in your apartment devastated me. We hadn't discussed exclusivity, it was probably an unreasonable expectation under the circumstances, and how inconsistent I was treating you. This ends today. I expect full sexual exclusivity from you from this moment forward."

Geoff had a smirk on his face now, as if I was somehow getting a taste of my own medicine. I turned to address Sarah, looking straight into her eyes. "Sarah, you are everything I have ever wanted in a woman, and a partner. I agree to your expectation of exclusivity, in exchange for your commitment to share time with me every week."

Dr. Campbell advised us our session was over, and his next couple were waiting impatiently in the room next door. I gave Sarah a tentative kiss in front of Geoff, breaking it with "See you Friday, honey." I guess I could still be an asshole.

I sort of expected the drama to continue. The innuendo from Geoff during the 5 nights a week he had access to Sarah. The last minute cancellations or rescheduling on my weekends. But, it never actually happened that way. There was seemingly a quiet peace developing between Geoff and I as rivals, and Sarah remained undeniably on top of the scheduling and management of expectations. I refrained from asking any questions to Sarah on how she spent her nights with Geoff, or really anything regarding their private lives together. Other than the fact Sarah and I didn't really appear much in public together, at least not locally, our weekends were as enjoyable and adventurous as our first vacation together. I was in awe of how Sarah seemed to balance her emotions, and how available she was even on days reserved for Geoff. I didn't see her those days, and mostly tried to leave her alone, but the occasional text message or coordination of the upcoming weekend plan left an undeniable conclusion I was on her mind, even when we were necessarily apart.

This continued steady state for the next 3 years. We even developed an unlikely handoff routine, at the same restaurant where I first met Geoff while I was going through the divorce with Amy. I guess we were comfortable there, it was one of the few public places where the staff seemed to be in the know of our unconventional relationship and didn't ever question or openly judge it. I was sitting at our usual table, with a bottle of red wine as Geoff and Sarah walked in together. At 49, Sarah had barely aged a day since meeting her. Geoff on the other hand was showing every bit of his 64 years, yet they still looked like a distinguished couple...even walking in holding hands. Dinner was our usual fare, including dessert, and the conversation was mostly effortless as we all caught up at the roundtable on the events of the workweek. After the bill was paid (Geoff and I took turns - what else?) Sarah and I quietly excused ourselves from the table and left together. We were now every bit the couple ourselves in outward appearances, less the obvious PDA of course, as Sarah and Geoff had appeared walking in two hours earlier.

Sarah received a fresh 5 year IUD for birth control before our Maui trip. At her age, pregnancy seemed unlikely but not impossible, and it was just one less thing to worry about for both of us. It made her periods predictable - unfortunately, so predictable they almost always seemed to kick off on Friday or Saturday. I had teased her about this over the years relentlessly, not that it ever mattered that much to me, our sheets were never surviving the weekend anyway. But, recently her periods had become irregular. It wasn't something I noticed or complained about, but Sarah had complained to her doctor. She was advised that it was perimenopause, and Sarah could expect a slew of side effects over the coming weeks and months. After dealing with Amy going through an abrupt full chemical menopause a half decade earlier, I had a right to be intimidated but figured the natural version might not be something entirely to fear.

Monday came and I was settling into another long and focused workweek as a bachelor, when my phone rang with a familiar caller - Jerry Seevers, my attorney.

"Kyle, it's been a long time. I hope everything is going well. Still a single man, or aren't you?"