Mi Casa Su Casa

MI CASA, SU CASA

"Warren, have you taken the garbage out yet?"

"No, they don't pick up until noon tomorrow. I'll put the garbage out when I go to work in the morning."

"It's better to do something when you think about it. I would be just like you to forget in the morning. Then I would have to do it."

(Whispering)

Heaven forbid you might have to do something different."

"What did you say?"

"Nothing dear."

"Don't forget to take your clothes up when you go upstairs. I'm not your maid, you know."

"You're not my maid, my cook, my friend, or my lover most of the time."

"There you go again. Stop mumbling. You're trying to make me think I need hearing aids. You just need to speak up so I can hear you."

"Yes, dear."

"Oh, yeah. The dishwasher is almost done so you can put up the clean dishes. This time don't forget to have a towel to dry off the pieces that captured some water. I hate to grab a clean dish only to find it has some residue from the dishwasher still on it."

"Can it wait at least until I finish this article in the paper?"

"I don't understand what's so darn important about sports. It's not like you were a big athlete in college or something. Taking a few minutes to do a chore that is needed won't change your team's loss to a win. The scores in the paper aren't going anywhere. They'll still be patiently waiting for you after you empty the dishwasher."

Warren gave up. He went into the kitchen, grabbed a towel, and thought about breaking something just to have a different topic for Carmen to complain about.

"And another thing, I'm tired of you bitching about how much I spend on clothes. I guess you thought it was real subtle, leaving last month's bank statement on the table. Subtle as a nuclear bomb. I'll have you know I work hard and deserve to spend a little money on clothes. You may not care about your appearance, but I need to look good for my job. If our bank balance doesn't suit you, solve the problem by earning more money yourself."

"Carmen, I wasn't complaining about you buying clothes. I just said that it would help if you would stop buying outfits too small for you. Your closets are full of dresses you've never worn." Warren knew he had crossed the line and a shit storm would follow. But he was so numb, he didn't care much.

"Are you calling me FAT? You're one to talk. I haven't seen your picture on any swimsuit ads. You know I've been working out to lose weight. Those dresses will all fit me before too long. Just you wait and see."

Despite the perceived futility of his remarks, Warren persisted. "The only times I have seen you exercise for more than a few minutes, you immediately eat a few glazed donuts right after. How can you lose weight doing that?"

"Well, I have to have some incentive to exercise. My problem isn't a few donuts. It's genetics. It's not my fault I've inherited a slow metabolism. That makes it extremely hard to lose weight. Warren, I'm tired of your insults and stinginess. Sometimes I wish I had never married you. You're . . . "

"

Oh God, here it comes again

."

"You're just lucky I didn't marry Randy Fowler. Now there was a man who knew how to treat a lady. He never complained about spending money on me when we went out on dates. What a gentleman -- tall, handsome, and makes good money. He was always complimenting my looks and asked me what I wanted. He never asked how much it cost. And he was better in the sack than you. You with your mini-rocket that launches in just ten seconds. If it hadn't been for Amy's big tits, we would probably have gotten married."

"Hold that thought. I'll be right back. I have an important phone call to make."

"Whatever. You just can't take the truth."

Several minutes later, Warren came back into the living room. He had a manila folder in his hand and a smile on his face.

"What's up with your 'cat ate the canary' look on your face?"

"You'll see. You just have to wait a few minutes."

"And what's in that folder?"

"All in due time. All in due time."

"I don't have time to play these silly games. Maybe the television can take my mind off your meanness." Carmen sat back and tried to watch the news. "Corona virus this, corona virus that." She thought out loud, "Why don't they just shut up and give everybody the virus. Then see who's left and let the survivors have whatever remains?"

The doorbell rang.

Carmen questioned, "Who could that be at this hour? Probably one of our no-count neighbors wanting to borrow one of your tools. Make him return it tonight or you'll never see it again."

Warren went to the door and saw a cab driving away. He greeted and let in a man about his and Carmen's age. They went towards Carmen. Warren spoke, "Carmen, don't you recognize the love of your life?"

"Randy? Randy Fowler? Oh my gosh, it's been ages. Warren, why didn't you tell me we were having company? I would have made myself more respectable."

"No need, dear. Randy will be here to see you at your best, your worst and your in between."

"What do you mean by that?"

"You've been telling me for years that you made a mistake in marrying me and that you should have married Randy. Now, you'll get your chance to prove yourself right or wrong." Warren went over and got the folder.

"Here is an agreement for a legal separation for 90 days. This allows either of us to have intimate relations with anyone else and the extramarital sex cannot be used by us as part of any divorce settlement. At the end of the 90 days, we can decide to stay married or get divorced."

"Where the hell did you come up with a crazy idea like that?"

"From you, dear. You kept saying you should have married Randy. Now you can see what it would have been like if you had. I guess I not only said to Randy, 'Mi casa, su casa,' but also, 'Mi esposa, su esposa.' He will move in tonight and will have all the privileges I,

cough,

'enjoyed' and whatever you agree to. Sort of like a trial marriage. I promise that if you and Randy are happy together and want to become man and wife or friends with benefits after the 90 days, I won't stand in your way. I just hope you'll be happy whatever the outcome."

"What about you? Are you going to be living here too?"

"No, I'll be leaving tonight. I don't want you to feel any pressure about you and Randy doing what you want. I have a temporary place to stay."

"What about you and other women?"

"No need to worry about that. You've already said that no attractive, self-respecting woman would have anything to do with me even if I were available. You are probably right, but I intend to find out. If I go without sex for too long, I can always go to Canal Street (Carmen knew that was where hookers are plentiful). If we get back together, I'll be sure and get a test for STD's first.

Warren continued, "In a nutshell, I thought you should have a chance to have your dreams with Randy come true since your dreams didn't seem to include me."

Carmen turned to Randy, "You actually agreed to go along with this? It sounds awfully weird to me."

"Carmen, it's my dream come true. I regretted marrying Amy soon after we bought our house. Other than her large breasts, there wasn't much to her. I've thought of you and our times together for years. Amy and I just got divorced a few months ago and I decided to come back here. I ran into Warren at Sully's Restaurant recently. We talked about old times. I was kind of afraid when I confessed to still having feelings for you. I was totally shocked when instead of him getting mad, he said he might be able to help me. He said that you had complaints about how he treated you.

"I was surprised, pleasantly, when he reported you often wished you had married me. Warren proposed to me that the next time you said it, he would call me and let me have a trial marriage with you for 90 days. If it worked out, he would leave the marriage without a fight and we would be free to marry. So, here I am. I hope you will agree to the proposal. I have missed you so much and prayed we could be a couple again."

Carmen was still in a state of shock. Shock quickly turned to undisguised anger. She figured this was just a trick Warren was using to get her more under his control. That's the only thing that made sense. He had to be bluffing. She decided to call his bluff. She asked smugly, "Warren, don't papers like these require a notary to be legal?"

"You're absolutely right. My secretary is a notary and by now she should be waiting in her car outside if you agree to sign." Hearing no objection from Carmen, Warren called for his secretary, Marta, to come in. He waved at her husband in the car.

Carmen was a bit flustered but still angry. "Let me see those papers." She read over them quickly, took a few minutes to consider the pros and cons, and then signed them. Marta notarized them and gave a copy each to Carmen and Warren. Warren was letting this game go on longer than she had expected.

Carmen decided to raise the stakes in the poker game Warren was playing. "Well Randy, I guess we better see if we are still compatible in bed. Come on. Bring your big dick and come to bed." She grabbed Randy's hand and started upstairs. Carmen was absolutely expecting that Warren would stop her and confess to the trick.

Warren said, "Stop." Carmen smiled, ready to gloat over her exposing the obvious scam from her pathetic husband.

"I need to get my things first." Warren bounded upstairs and soon came back with a suitcase. "I'll come get more stuff tomorrow after you've gone to work. Good luck kids. Enjoy." A few seconds later, Warren was gone. Carmen and Randy were left holding hands at the bottom of the stairs.

Randy spoke up, "Well, are we going to the bedroom? I'm so ready, I don't care if we do it right here on the rug."

Carmen was even more highly pissed now. She calculated that Warren was counting on her being too scared to actually have sex with Randy. The play Warren had produced evidently had another act. She'd show him. "Yes, Randy. Let's go to bed."

She took her own sweet time taking her clothes off. Any moment she expected Warren to come in yelling, "Don't. Don't. I'm sorry." But nothing happened before she was totally nude. A naked Randy waited in her bed, stroking a penis Carmen had remembered as larger.

"Come on and get in bed, Carmen. I've been dreaming of this night for a long time."

"Okay Randy, but let's not hurry. We have time. I want us both to enjoy it." She was stalling.

With no interruptions during the foreplay, the two new lovers eventually began the process of putting their bodies together. Randy seemed intent on trying to make love. Carmen was trying to make sense out what she thought was going on. Could Warren really be willing to let her have sex with Randy? The agreement seemed clear that he could not hold it against her if she did. "That's it! The agreement is not real. His secretary would notarize anything for her boss. He's trying to trick me into committing adultery so he can have leverage in a divorce. Well, I'm too smart to fall for that."

"Randy, I'm sorry. I would love to reignite our old flame tonight, but I have to make sure the agreement is valid. I'll take it to my lawyer tomorrow and if he says it's valid, we have 90 days where we can get it on."

"But . . . Carmen. I'm SO ready. My balls are bright blue as it is. Surely you can do something. How about a blowjob?"

"How about a hand job?"

Disappointedly, Randy said, "Okay. At least your hand is better than my hand."

"Let me get a towel first, Randy. I'm not changing sheets if I don't have to." Two hand jobs that night and one for the morning wood Randy was sporting the next day kept him satisfied for the time being.

"Get up Randy, time for coffee and breakfast."

"I like my eggs scrambled and don't burn the toast."

"And I'd like a cook to fix my breakfast. Around here, you eat what you make yourself for breakfast."

"Do you have any cereal?"

"Yeah."

"You go ahead and fix your breakfast. I'll snooze a little longer."

"Okay. Wait a minute. Do you have a car here?"

"Oh shit. I forgot. I haven't got a car right now. My car was a lease deal through Amy's company. I lost the access to it in the divorce. I have been looking to get a car but since I'm out of a job, they won't give me credit. I should have a job soon."

"Well, get yourself in gear. I'm not going to be late to work on your account. You can drop me off at work and come get me when I get off. You need to find yourself your own car today even if it's a rental."

"Yes, dear."

At her office, Carmen faxed over the agreement to her lawyer. By mid-afternoon, Carmen had confirmation of the agreement's validity. She could screw Randy and the act would not be a consideration in any divorce proceedings. He reminded her that, conversely, Warren could screw any woman he wanted, and she could not use it against him in a divorce. That possibility began to germinate in her brain.

When Carmen and Randy returned home, she saw that Randy had adjusted quickly to his role of man of the house, at least from the standpoint of privileges. There were three empty beer cans on the floor beside Warren's recliner. Carmen stood beside him looking at him questioningly. Randy said, "We're out of beer. Can you add that to your grocery list? I prefer Coors Light. Thanks, babe. You're the greatest."

Carmen shook her head. She told herself, "I guess it will take some time to get used to each other's habits."

At supper that night, the only topic for Randy was, "Well, do we get to do it for real tonight?"

Carmen had been wondering the answer to that ever since she found out the agreement was legit. What let her make her final decision was that she had truly believed that if she and Randy had married, they would be a happy couple now. She had spent too many nights imagining Randy was the one making love to her to prevent her from finding out if that was true. This was an opportunity she could never have imagined. It was too good to pass up. Still, it was an odd sight to see a nude Randy in her bed instead of Warren. Carmen finally acquiesced to have sex with Randy, but her initial participation was not hot and enthusiastic as it had been in her imagination. Doubts kept creeping in. 'How could this be happening?' was the chief doubt. In a few minutes of having sex, Randy came quickly which did not particularly displease Carmen. She was glad to get the first time over with.

Randy sat up in bed. "Carmen, I'm sorry I came so quickly. It's been a long time and I've been super horny ever since Warren told me what we could do. Give me a few minutes to recover and we can try again. I promise I can do a lot better than that. It certainly was not nearly as good as I remember in the back seat of my car prom night."

Carmen was still having trouble believing she had had sex with Randy and that Warren had not tried to stop her. Warren, damn him, was playing hard ball. Her anger returned. She could play hard ball too. Her next session that night with Randy was much better, but still less than earth moving.

In a few hours, Carmen got a call from Warren. "Ah ha, here it comes now. Boy, is he going to feel bad about what Randy and I did tonight. He should know better than to dare me."

"Carmen, I just wanted you to know that I have a room at the Motel 8 for the time being. Randy called me earlier today. He was very happy and said you were too. I'm hope that this means your dream finally is on the way to coming true. You still have plenty of time to find out for sure though. If so, I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted."

After a pause, Warren continued. "Before I forget, we probably need to go over some financial stuff. As it says in the agreement, I'll continue to contribute what I have been of my income to the mortgage and utility expenses. Randy is supposed to chip in when he gets a job. It might be tight until then, but we should be able to make it without dipping into savings. Call me on my cell if you need to. Talk to you later."

For the first time, Carmen began to think that Warren wasn't bluffing after all. "That SOB just gave me up without a struggle. Well, screw him. Randy and I will do just fine without him."

As the weeks went by, Carmen started to get peeved at Randy's inability to find a job. There were jobs, but none that paid what he thought he was worth. Being at home a lot during the day somehow didn't give him enough time to pick up after himself, much less help with all the chores Warren usually did.

Randy was not overly fond of Carmen's cooking, so he suggested going out to eat for dinner most evenings. Carmen didn't really want to spend that much money, but she also wanted to show everyone her lover. To her the upgrade was obvious. Randy was taller, handsomer, and dressed more nicely. Her public displays of affection towards Randy were meant to say, "Eat your heart out, Warren."

One night at the Olive Garden, Carmen and Randy were dining and drinking wine. She had just begun to be relaxed when Warren and a gorgeous young blonde walked in. She recognized the girl as the new nurse in their general practitioner's office, Erin. Erin also recognized Carmen and came over to say hello.

"Hi, Mrs. Chandler. Good to see you. Oh, this must be your boyfriend, Randy. Warren told me what a thing you two had for each other in high school. Now you're together again. How romantic. Well, they're about to seat us. Pleased to meet you." Randy barely could keep his tongue from hanging out. Erin stopped to add, "I just want to thank you for letting Warren date other women. I have to admit, I've had a crush on him for some time, but didn't feel right saying anything about it. Anyway, I hope you two are as happy together as Warren and I are. Bye." Warren just stood and grinned.

Once Warren and Erin left, Carmen fumed. "So, that was his game after all. Tricking me into letting him have an affair without me being able to legally go after him. Son-of-a-bitch! He planned this all out. Damn it, Randy. Did you know about this?"

"No, but I don't see how it really matters. Sweetheart, we're together. That's all that matters to me."

"Well, it's not all that matters to me! If he thinks he's going to get out of our marriage easily so he can go fuck some young girl without a penalty, he's got another think coming. Let's go home."

"But I'm not through eating. Can I at least get a to-go box?"

Carmen called Warren at work the next day. "Warren, I don't want to play your devious little game anymore. If you want to chase after little girls, then let's go ahead and divorce. Just know, I'm going to take you for everything I can get."

"But Carmen, I don't understand. You said you wanted Randy. Now you've got Randy. If you're talking about me dating Erin, she has been a surprise to me too. I had no idea she had wanted to go out with me before our separation. It was Marta who brought Erin to dinner with her husband and me when I took them out to pay her back for the overtime notary work. Marta goes to the same doctor as we do. Erin had told Marta that she was interested in me when Marta told her about our odd separation agreement. I admit, Erin's age and immaturity are a concern to me too. But, on the other hand, we have a lot of fun together and she never complains. She's a delight but I have no idea yet about the future of our relationship. Are you sure you want to break the deal so soon? I thought you and Randy were getting along well, at least that's what he tells me."

"Randy is okay, I guess. Some of the differences about him I like but others I don't. Just out of curiosity, what would it take to break the deal anyway?"

"I think you just need some more time with Randy. It's not been 30 days yet. You need to know if you want him for the long haul or not. If we stop now, I would always be wondering if you might start fantasizing about Randy again because you really hadn't tested him out enough.