We dated all through high school, as steady a couple as could be. Yet, I never got past kissing her. "I'm saving myself for my husband, Bob" is how Tina explained it.
Sometimes going to Catholic schools instills great will power - it certainly did for her, anyway.
"I'm going to be your husband, someday" I told her, not just as an attempt to get past that barrier, but because I really did love her. At least, I loved her as much as high school kids could love someone.
Then came that awful day in our senior year. "Bob, I decided I'm going to become a nun. I'm going to a convent, not to college."
Now, honestly people, just how does a love-sick 18 year old male virgin handle such a newsflash?
Very badly, as I recall. Needless to say, we didn't even talk to each other anymore after that.
I took Ruth Kantolowski to the prom, and that night she taught me that not all Catholic girls were like Tina. Not by a long shot.
God, how I missed her though, all through the rest of my senior year, all through college, and for four years after that. I made good constructive use of all that time. I dated a lot and I screwed around a lot. The women who shared my bed might have wanted more. I wanted Tina. They were just surrogates for the girl I really wanted there, and really, when I rammed into them, I was in my mind just grudge fucking Tina.
The good thing was these women usually knew much more about sex than I did, and were willing teachers, too. "Touch me there - a little softer, oh, yes, like that." I, on the other hand, was a willing, often eager student of all they had to teach.
I was living on Long Island, a four hour's drive from my home town of Pottsville, PA. My life was working out just fine, I guess. I worked on the technical side of an electronic surveillance company. (Want to know where the company trucks are going? Our GPS unit kept track, and our mapping software would show their route, almost to an individual address's resolution.. Visual/Audio monitoring in a noisy convention room? Come on, give me a challenge!)
Mom made her usual Saturday morning call (I called her on Wednesday evenings). "Bob" she said, after the usual family updates, "I've got some news for you."
"What's up, mom?"
"Tina left the convent. She came by to visit yesterday, and asked about you. I think she still likes you. Why don't you give her a call or something?"
Tina? Tina! You better believe I called and right away.
We set up a date for the next weekend.
Tina had changed from high school girl cute into something else, way past beautiful. 10, on a scale of 1 to 10, wasn't even close.
We started dating again during my monthly, then weekly, visits home. I was in love again.
"Bob, honey, I'm still saving myself for my husband" she said after I pushed a little too hard one weekend. Here we go again.
"Is it that religious crap all over again?"
"No, honey. I even stopped going to church. It's just that I still think sex is meant for marriage."
"Well, that's simple. Tina, will you marry me?"
Seven months from the date she left the convent, she did just that!
I guess I should have expected some kind of sexual problems. After all, even though she's awfully smart, anyone who had been in Catholic schools all of her life, then went joined a convent for eight years before deciding that being a nun wasn't the life for her could be expected to have at least a few sexual hang-ups.
And, boy, did she ever have 'em.
She was so shy it was coming close to us breaking up.
Again.
Even AFTER we were married.
She would always undress in the bathroom, and came to bed wearing stuff my grandmother would have worn: nothing at all sexy.
And speaking of sex: it was as about dull as dishwater. Cold, greasy dishwater.
It HAD to always be done in the dark and ONLY be done in the dark, and although it might have been "the highest form of expressing love" as she'd say, it sure wasn't erotic. Or anything even close. After a while, having my wife lie passively on her back, not moving, not responding to anything I was "allowed" to do, and my not being allowed to do some of the things I wanted to - going down on her, having her go down on me, for example - was becoming a huge problem. Think about it.
The sex really sucked, but you can bet nobody else did.
I actually told her, after yet another one-sided intercourse session, that " I love you more than anything Tina, but, frankly, you're really, really lousy in bed! It's almost like jerking off with no hands!"
Oh yeah, THAT went over well. Well, she was already crying so I decided to go on with it. How much worse could it get?
I told her I wanted more than she could seem to give in the bedroom! A lot more! I was so frustrated I then went on to tell her just how good some of the other women I screwed around with were while she was still in the convent. I made sure I covered all the bases and even made some stuff up. I made sure she knew in no uncertain terms just how much of a failure she was in the bedroom and just how much I resented it! Oh yeah, I let her have it all. Both barrels. Full volume. I was a real he-man. You would have been proud of me. I was horny and frustrated and she was obviously the cause of all my troubles, including global-warming and I felt she should suffer!
Surprisingly, she didn't take this well at all.
She sort of collapsed in on herself in tears and cried piteously for hours.
Yeah, I know, I know.
I'm a rat. I'm scum. I'm slime. And even that's probably unfair to the real scummy, slimey rats of the world. I probably owe them an apology, too.
She cried herself to sleep that night. As for me, I don't think I slept at all. The next morning we agreed to get some professional help.
Talk therapy didn't work for either of us. Neither of us were willing to use prescription pyschotropic medications, either.
"Sexual inhabitions are often a problem. Maybe 'flooding' would work, it does sometimes" Dr. Spann suggested.
He explained that flooding meant exposing the subject to an overwhelming stimulation of a phobia, in a safe environment. Once that was done, in some cases at least,
the phobia was controlled. It could lead to a breakthrough, if Tina wanted to change. I, on the other hand, could take sometime to reduce my own sex drive.
"Maybe something like that would make me less ashamed of my body, more willing to do what you want me to. I hope we can find a way. . ."
There had to be a way. I, I mean we, couldn't go on like this.
"If you trust me, I think I know how we can beat this thing" I assured her.
"I do trust you."
The following Saturday - it was July - I told her we were going to Fire Island for swimming and a picnic.
We went to Robert Moses State Park. We parked our car in the lot closest to the lighthouse and I insisted we walk east.
Finally we came to my destination, a nude beach - something Tina had never seen before.
"But they're all naked!"
"Yep" and I put down our pack, and spread out the blanket.
"Here? You want to stay here?"
"Yep."