Metamorph

The next day, Dan felt he had to go home. It was time. He was still bewildered by June's actions -- he knew in his brain what must have caused them; he only had to look in the mirror for that -- but he didn't

understand

them on an emotional level. He thought he knew what the catalyst was, but to hear why -- what she was thinking at the time when she decided to do this -- he needed to hear that. Even though he knew he wasn't going to like what he heard.

So there he was, standing on his own porch at his own front door and wondering what he should do next. Should he ring the bell, just open the door with his key? What?

In the end, the choice was taken for him -- the door had a smoked glass plate that revealed when someone was outside, and while he'd been standing there dithering, June must have seen the figure in the door. Give the size, it could only have been him and she drew back the door and gasped on seeing him.

He almost gasped on seeing her. She was a mess. No makeup, her hair not combed or cared for. It looked like she hadn't showered in two days and she didn't smell so good either. There were tell tale bags under her eyes and the eyes themselves were puffy, probably from crying.

She yelled, "DAN!" on opening the door and threw herself at him, throwing her arms around his neck, sobbing into his chest.

He knew they were making a spectacle of themselves on the porch, so he gently pushed her off and walked into their apartment home. It was one of those apartments that was built in the 1940's, for returning GI's. It had no parking garage but did have it's own entrance and distinct address and some specific just off street parking. It was small, but they'd loved it because of all the light it let in -- there were large windows everywhere.

On closing the door, June tried to grab Dan's head and kiss him and he stepped sideways. God, he wanted to kiss her, but at the same time, he wanted to strangle her. He was hurt and angry and loved her with all he had, all at the same time.

She came towards him again and he held up his hand to stop her. "Look June. This is hard for me. The last time I saw you, well, we both know how that ended. All I have right now is that picture of you in my head. Right now, I am not going to kiss you nor am I going to allow you to kiss me. There is too much confusion in my head right now for that."

"Oh honey," said June, "I just don't know how to say I'm sorry enough. I must have been insane. I just can't even understand myself. I jeopardized everything and I can't tell you how sorry I am. I just... I can't..." and she started sobbing again. "I didn't know where you were. I didn't know if you'd come back. I need you Dan. I can't live without you. Please, tell me you are staying. Please, tell me we can work this out. Please."

June was a mess, Dan could see that. Trouble was, he was too.

"OK June. Sit down. Take a breath. We need to talk, obviously."

He guided June into the living room and sat her down in the couch. He, very deliberately, took the easy chair opposite.

June sat in her chair, her back straight, her hands in her lap, twisting them and not able to meet his eyes.

"So," said Dan, since it was apparent she wasn't going to start. "I think I need to start. There are things I need to say and questions I need to ask. There are things I just have to know. I need to know if you are going to be honest with me." He said, gently.

June nodded, started to say something, then stopped, then blurted out, "I'll tell you anything you want to know Dan. I just...don't want to hurt you more than you are already are. I just..."

Dan was surprised at himself being so calm when he was afraid, sad and raging inside, all at the same time. He was plumbing depths of control he didn't know he had. "I know June, I know. But...we can't ignore this. This...this can and probably will destroy us. Everything has to be out there."

"Dan...I...it wasn't love. It was just sex. Nothing else. I love YOU, no one else."

Dan grimaced and said, "Ten points."

June was taken aback. "What?" she asked.

"I had a bet with myself. If you said, 'its just sex', first, then it's twenty points. If you told me you loved me first, then it's ten points. Look, can we just cut to the chase? The bottom line here is that you'll tell me 'it was just sex', 'it didn't mean anything', 'you still love me', 'we can get past this' and all the rest of the crap that women tell their men when they've cheated on them. Yes June, you are a cheater, ok? That's what you are. Lets not honey coat it. It's not a 'little mistake', you took our marriage, my trust and faith in you and you flushed it down the crapper."

Dan was starting to get heated -- although no one could really blame him -- and he forced himself to calm down. June just sat there and stared at her hands during his rant.

Then, very quietly, she said, "But it's still all true."

"Which bit, June? That you still love me? That it was all just a mistake? That it didn't mean anything. Well, let me answer a few of those for you. It might not have meant a thing to you, but I can fucking assure you, it meant something to me. A big fucking something. It was all a mistake? Yes, I'd agree with that. But it was a mistake

you

made, not me. I didn't do anything here, except encourage you to go after your dreams in this business. You still love me? I dunno -- see June, here's the kicker.

I don't believe you any more

. A relationship is based on love, trust and faith in each other. I may still love you, and you may still love me, but you've pretty much destroyed the other two. Anything you now say is seen through the filter of you betraying me and our marriage. You lied, you betrayed me -- of course I don't fucking trust anything you say. Why the hell should I?"

Again, Dan was heated. It took more effort to calm down now.

"Oh honey, you

have

to believe me. I am so, so sorry about this. I never meant to hurt you. It was never about you." June said it with earnestness but Dan wasn't about to let her off that easy.

"See, there you go, lying to me again."

"I am

not

," said June, hotly.

"Oh really," said Dan, dryly. "OK. Lets try this question. The only one that I really care about. Why, June? Why? Was our life so bad that you couldn't wait to get some strange? Was his body that nice? Ooohhh... there it is."

June's expression had flickered for an instant when Dan said that. He'd seen it and she knew he had.

"So that's it then. You just...don't want my body. I get it. I really do. All my friends said that you were too hot for me. That you were meant to be with beautiful people but I dared hope that you were different. I really thought you were. I had thought you were for years. But I guess they were right. Weren't they June? Along came Mr. Perfect Body and off you went."

June started crying again. But Dan needed to push it. He was pretty sure there was a lot of unspoken feeling going on here -- that June had felt this way for a while and just wouldn't say it for fear of hurting him. He needed to prod the wound, because he wouldn't feel any resolution until he understood her motivation.

"So that was it. He looks better than I do. Fucking great. Is his cock big too June? Is he bigger than I am? Did he make you cum harder?"

"Dan... please...don't. We've had so many years of happiness. You have to believe I love you, that is was all a mistake. Please. Doesn't all those years count?"

"It sure didn't seem to stop you June, did it? Sure didn't count to you when his cock was sinking into you, did it? How long have you felt this way June? How long? How long have you been hiding the disgust when I touched you?"

"NEVER. I LOVE you. I just wanted something else! I wanted more positions, someone who has seen their dick!" June screamed, frustration boiling out of her.

And then there was silence as both digested what had been said. Everything Dan had feared was out in the open now. June sat there, mouth open, a hand in front of it.

"No Dan, no, that's not what I meant. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it."

"Sure you did June. We both know that -- all evidence has been proving that," said Dan. "But you know what? I expected this. I've been waiting our entire marriage for the other shoe to drop, and now it has. I have only myself to blame for wanting to believe it wouldn't. You are perfect and so, I'm sure, is he. I don't doubt it would have carried on once you got home. Christ...how you must disrespect me."

"No," said June, forcefully. "It was only in New Orleans. It was a temporary thing. I knew that and so did he. We were both very careful, none of the crew knew what was going on. You were never going to find out. This wasn't about you, or any disrespect I had for you, it was about me. I...just fell for the flattery. I don't know. I just was there, he was there, there was opportunity, I wasn't thinking about you. You are just...always there, in the background of my life. Always going to be there. I could do it, it was a bit of stupid fun with a bit of strange that had no chance of getting back to you -- it was like I was living a completely separate life and in that life, it was ok and...well, we know how that ended up."

"Bullshit. You've had guys hitting on your for years June. Why now? Why this particular guy? Again June, do explain to me how I can trust anything you say. For all I know, this could have been going on for years. How do I know it's the first time either? And I dunno June, from what I saw, I think you were very much enjoying it. I highly doubt you would have stopped."

"I don't know how many times to tell you -- it was never going to last. We both knew that. It was just...t the perfect storm of situation, desire and me being overworked, tired, drunk and all the rest. He asked about you, but I was deliberately vague. You were a writer, that was all I told him."

"Whatever June. You can tell me whatever you want and I will never know, will I? You can lie through your teeth, as you have been, and I would never know," retorted Dan. "For all I know, you could have both been having a good laugh about me. I'm sure you were."

"Dan...I would never laugh at you. Never. Please, if you don't believe anything else, believe that. I love you."

"You have a funny way of showing it June."

She looked down and spoke quietly, "I know. I know... I'm so sorry. I just didn't think about it affecting us at all. It wasn't anything to do with us as a marriage. It was just me sowing some wild oats in a totally safe and private and isolated environment. I can't believe how I've hurt you."

"Oh June. You have NO idea how hurt I am. My ego is now just shit. You've destroyed the last of my remaining confidence and frankly, I doubt I'll ever be able to get it up for you again. All I can see now is that image of you and him, and...well, I know now that I'll never measure up. That you want what I'm not, physically."

June's eyes widened in alarm at that. "Don't say that. You know I'll do anything you want."

"Oh yes. Then we come to the real fucking kicker. So, that night's sex June. Where I got your ass?"

June's expression became guarded. "Yes?"

"So how did that come about exactly? What prompted you to do that? Guilt?"

"I...I don't know. It seemed like the right thing to do," she said, uncertainly.

Dan got up and walked to the bedroom.

"Where are you going?" said June, fearfully, standing up.

"I'm going to pack some things. I told you if you lied we would be done. You lied. I'm leaving."

"I...I...Look, Dan, what does it matter?"

"It fucking matters to me. The only reason you did it was because

he

suggested it? Isn't that true?"

June collapsed back down on the couch.

"What difference does it make?" she said, not actually answering the question.

"The difference,

dear

," said Dan, dripping venom, "is that it's something you know I've wanted, you've never given me and the only time I have had it, is when

some other guy you are fucking tells you to

. Not because you wanted to, or because I'd asked, because your

fucking lover told you to

. That gift is now not worth any fucking thing. Nothing. Worse than nothing. It's a fucking insult to me, our marriage and our relationship. Tell me June, did he fuck you in the ass first?"

She looked at Dan again, finally, and said, "No, I told him I didn't do that. And if I did, it would be with you."

"And so you came home and

did

do it with me. What do you think would have happened the next time you saw him Junie, dear? Think he would have asked you if you had? Did he ask? I

wonder

what was next on the sexual menu for that night I was there. And you know what June? You aren't a fucking idiot. If I can work this out, you know fucking well you could too. You knew. You gave me your ass to salve whatever conscience you had about giving it to him later. And then you just lied to me about it now. That's it. Case closed."

June was silent. There was nothing to be said to that. They both knew it to be true.

Dan went into the bedroom and came out a few minutes later, having hastily packed a few things into a bag. He went around the living room grabbing a few more items -- his Bluetooth speakers, some games, the external hard drive with all his music on it.

Eventually June said, with resignation, "What are you going to do? Are we done? Is it a divorce?"

Dan stopped and looked at her. He put down his bag and said, while looking intently at her, "June, explain something to me. You say you love me. You say we can get past this. I ask you this. How? How are you going to rebuild the trust you've destroyed? How are you going to get that image of you and the perfect body out of my mind? How am I supposed to deal with the hurt and betrayal you've pushed onto my shoulders? How do I deal with that and still look at you and love you? Can you explain to me how that is going to happen?"

June's shoulders sagged. "I don't know," she said in a small voice, "I really don't. I've spent the last few days trying to figure out why I did it, and what I can do to make it up to you."

"June, this isn't you missing a birthday dinner. You don't just 'make it up' to someone when you completely destroy their life, betray their trust and give them a gift that isn't even meant for them."

"I know. You are right. I just don't know what to do Dan. I don't. Tell me what to do. I will do anything. I just can't lose you. You are my rock. Without you I am just adrift."

Dan snorted, "Don't talk such utter crap June. You've never needed me, as you have so ably demonstrated. You'll go back to work, find something to immerse yourself in. You've never need me. I've just been, as we've already established, a large lard ass holding you back. So whatever."

"I wish I could make you see how much I need you Dan. I know I hurt you, I know it was all me. I'm so sorry. But I'm also sorry for me too. I fucked up and now...you are leaving."

Without even knowing it, Dan had made a decision. "Look June, here's the deal. I'm going away for a while. Don't try and call me or text me or email me -- I'll just ignore it and delete any message. I won't be at work either. I'm just...going away for a while. I need to get my head together. I'll be back in a few weeks, or more likely, months. You can do whatever you want while I am gone, I'll never know. Fuck Mr. Perfect body, whatever. If you can stand there when I come back and not lie to me and tell me you've been celibate and make me believe it, maybe we stand a chance. Frankly, I doubt it. But what the fuck. What have I got to lose? I'm fat loser anyway, either way you cut it."

"No Dan, please, no. Don't ever think that. I love you. I know you don't believe that now, but I do. What I did was...wrong and hurtful and I'm sorrier than I can ever say. I never meant to hurt you. If you have to go, I can't say I honestly blame you, but I'll be here when you get back. I don't want anyone else except my husband. I married you for all the right reasons and I still believe that. I've been weak and made mistakes but no more. And I'll prove it to you, any way you want."

Dan looked at her from the door, as he hefted his bags. He thought about some parting comment -- "whatever" or just calling her a slut, but found he didn't have the stomach for either, so he just turned and left, hearing the door click shut behind him.

He loaded the bags into his car and drove about a mile before he found he didn't have the stomach for anything and had to pull over to heave up the churro he'd eaten earlier.

Monday came and right before nine o'clock, Dan trudged up to the desk at the gym, and asked for Greg. The girl behind the counter looked at him coolly and said, "He'll be down in a minute, please wait."

So Dan sat and watched the early risers on the running machines and bikes. After five minutes, Greg arrived, in a grey tracksuit, all teeth and suntan. "Dan, glad you can make it. Although you won't be, once we get going." said Greg, holding out his hand.

Dan just looked at it, and then at Greg and made no effort to take it, and said, "Look asswipe. I'm here and here for one reason only. To get fit enough to kick your ass up through your teeth. That's it. We aren't friends, we aren't buddies and there sure as hell is no fucking respect. So lets just get on with it and get it done."

Greg pulled his hand back and his smile wavered just a little bit, and then he said, "Yeah, I guess I can't really blame you on that. OK, so, lets get you situated, then we have to go out."

They went down the corridor to the end and up the stairs and down almost the whole way, to a door in the end. "This is your new home for the next few months," said Greg, as he opened the door.

The apartment was ok -- nothing great but not shabby either. A single bedroomed standard apartment, decent kitchen with range and island. A large LCD screen TV was on one wall, and Dan noticed an Xbox hooked up underneath it. Greg said, "There is Wi-Fi here too, and you can buy your own groceries and cook, although we'll be monitoring your food intake and making recommendations. I hope you like Rice. I'll see you downstairs in twenty."

He left Dan to unpack what little he'd brought, take a look around and then he walked downstairs. When he got there Greg tossed him some keys and a keycard. "The keycard opens the outside door, and the key is for the apartment. Also, you'll note there is a direct elevator in the building lobby, so you don't have to go through the gym every time. Now, we have an appointment."

Dan was guided outside into the back of the big black SUV, where Greg drove. Greg tried a couple of times to start a conversation, but Dan was not in any mood to chat with his wife's lover, and he made it plain.

Eventually, having navigated the 405 and I10 and spent at least an hour doing it, they pulled over on a street in Chinatown. Greg nodded at Dan and they got out and Greg walked up to what looked like a solitary door in the wall. He knocked and they went inside.

The interior of the building was part sweat shop and part fabric store. A small wizened man came up to Greg, bowing constantly, and guided the two of them into a small room, with four mirrors. Greg motioned for Dan to sit, which he did.

Then Greg got measured for a suit. He saw different fabric swatches, was measured and it took a couple of hours. Dan was well and truly pissed off and made no bones about it at the end of the first hour.

Greg looked at him in the mirror and said, "You pissed? Don't see us making any progress in dumping some lard?"

Dan's face flushed and Greg said, "Oh come on Dan. You gonna run home to Mommy the moment the nasty man says something you don't like? I warned you this would be hard. I'm gonna be an evil bastard -- I'm telling you that upfront. Some of the shit I'm going to say will make you want, - no,

need

-, to kill me. And we need that anger and that pain and that humiliation because

you

need it to keep going. You don't have the promise of ten million dollars for the next part in the movie to drive you to keep going. Hell, you don't even know you have June to go back to. But you need to do this, if only for your own self respect. So shut the fuck up and sit there and take your medicine. You'll get your chance to give me mine at the end of this. Now, did you decide what you wanted to do about watching June?"