Memories

Tracy tells the truth. But is it the whole truth?

As Ron walked in the door, I jumped up and gave him a big kiss. "Welcome home, honey. How was your trip?"

"Tiring. I'm glad to be home again. Hey, what's with the flowers?"

I had been sitting at the kitchen table reading something on my laptop. A beautiful bouquet was sitting next to it. "They're from Nigel. I don't think I ever told you about him. He was my first boyfriend. We dated our senior year in high school while his father had an assignment in the United States. We lost our virginities to each other. Then his father's assignment was cut short. I had been away with my parents on vacation and when I returned, he had gone back to London. I never even got to say goodbye. I was devastated!"

"And he's kept in touch all this time?"

"No, this is the first I've heard from him since he left the country seven years ago. He called to tell me that he had a short layover in Atlanta and wanted to see if we could meet him for a few minutes at the airport. I told him you were on a business trip, but I knew you wouldn't mind if I spent a few minutes with an old friend."

"Friend, no; lover, maybe. Tell me about those 'few minutes'".

"Here, he sent me an e-mail. It talks about what happened."

"Can I believe this e-mail from a stranger?"

"Maybe not, but you can believe me. I promise you that it's all true."

I turned my laptop toward him, and he read:

My dearest Tracy,

It was great to see you again after so many years, even if it could only be for such a short time. It was a miracle, really. After all, I only had a three-hour layover in Atlanta, and I didn't even know if you were still there. It was a miracle that I was able to find your number and get in touch with you. Thank you for agreeing to drive for two hours just to see me there for just a few minutes!

When you ran up to me in the airport lobby, I saw that young girl I knew had blossomed into a beautiful woman. It was great to remember those times. As adults we can look back and laugh, thinking of our tentative first kiss and how we finally consummated our love. Two inept 18-year-olds fumbling in the back seat of my father's rented Buick! Even though I'm always embarrassed when I think of it, that is still one of my fondest memories. Thankfully, we did manage to be intimate a few times after that, especially that one glorious night when we were able to spend a whole night together in an actual bed - as the poem says, "Pulse nigh to pulse, and breath to breath, where hushed awakenings are dear." It was the last time that we were intimate, and I will always treasure that memory.

I'm gratified to know that we are both happily married to wonderful people. If your husband had been able to join us yesterday afternoon, I would have told him that he is one of the luckiest men in the world. Better yet, show him this letter so he can see what a precious woman I think he has and always remember that he should cherish and treasure her. Although I'm sure he doesn't need reminding.

I guess we didn't talk much about our current lives. Our time was so short! So, I've attached a picture of me with Jane and our beautiful daughter, Tracy Ann. No, I never told Jane why I named her that!

Did you get the flowers I sent you? I hope that, for a few days, they will brighten your life the way my memory of you will continue to brighten mine. I don't suppose our paths will ever cross again but, now and then, think of that gangling teenager and remember that you will always be in his heart.

Yours,

Nigel.

Ron looked at the picture for a long minute and said, "Well, he's very handsome. Do I have to worry about this suave Englishman carrying a torch for you? Just how intimate was this meeting?"

"Oh, honey, he's in London by now. He's happily married and so am I. You read the letter. You know how big the Atlanta airport is. A three-hour layover would barely give him enough time to get out of the secure area and spend half an hour chatting with me before he would have to go through security again. I can show you the receipt from the short-term lot at the airport - I was parked there for less than an hour. If I had done anything inappropriate, I wouldn't have had to mention Nigel at all. Well, I did kiss him goodbye."

He chuckled. "I guess I can forgive one little kiss, although I doubt it was so very little."

I blushed. "Well, no it wasn't. For a little while, I was eighteen again, giving him the goodbye kiss that I never had the chance to give him then. But seeing him now and talking about our past got me thinking. I'm not eighteen anymore, honey. I'm twenty-five. It's time to move on with our lives. I know I've been reluctant to start having children. But I'm ready now. What do you think if I finish this month's pills and then stop taking them?"

He pulled me up and kissed me passionately. "I think it would be a great idea."

"Let me send him a picture of us." I took a selfie, our faces cheek-to-cheek with the flowers in the background.

"That's perfect! I can thank him for the flowers and show him that I married just as well as he did! Go take a shower, honey. I'll clean up here and maybe we can start practicing our baby-making skills?"

As Ron went upstairs, I thought about how clever Nigel was. He must have realized that my feelings for him were very strong, and was afraid that I might do something stupid. So, he wrote a coded letter that was completely truthful but would say different things to Ron and me. Because two teenagers living with their parents were never able to spend a night together. No, the "glorious night" he said he remembered so fondly was last night. And it was indeed glorious.

When Nigel called me before his plane left St. Louis, he had no idea what kind of reception he would get after seven years. But when I gushed about how much I wanted to see him again and that my husband was out of town, he was able to change his connecting flight to this morning and book a hotel room, so we could have dinner together. Really, all I had intended was a quick chat, and all he had planned was a leisurely dinner. But when I saw him looking so much more handsome and mature than the skinny boy I remembered, I rushed up and gave him a long, passionate kiss. Seven years of bottled-up passion were released in one burst. Suddenly, we were teenagers again, sharing our first love. When he told me that he had changed his flight, I suggested that instead of eating at a restaurant, I drive him to his hotel, and we order room service.

We hadn't been in his hotel room for five minutes before we were both naked on his bed. We did have a small dinner in his room, several hours later. After dinner we made slow, passionate love, then fell asleep in each other's arms. All night I was half awake, feeling his body pressed against mine, occasionally rousing as I felt him gently caressing me and falling asleep again after a tender kiss. It was the most intensely passion-filled night I had ever experienced. We made love again in the morning. Our goodbye kiss was tender, sweet and loving.

Fortunately, Nigel has always been more level-headed than I. He wrote a letter to make me realize that the past must forever remain in the past - the road not taken will never be visited again. He showed me that we must move forward, he with his and I with mine, as we follow the paths that we have chosen for ourselves. I should have felt guilty for what I did, but I was glad it happened. I realized that some of my reluctance to have children with Ron had stemmed from my unresolved feelings towards Nigel. After all, we never broke up, so our relationship never really ended - it was just interrupted. This morning, I was finally able to say goodbye, and Nigel's email was a gentle way of breaking up with me. I understood that when he said that night was the last time that we were together, he also meant that it would remain so. I will always treasure my memories of Nigel, but I finally accepted that he is truly in my past and that Ron is my present and my future.

I sent Nigel the picture in an e-mail, thanking him for the flowers and for the chance to give him the goodbye kiss I never gave him all those years ago and find closure in a relationship that had ended so abruptly. I could even show this e-mail to Ron, but Nigel would understand what I was really thanking him for.

As I finished in the kitchen, I got my purse and pulled out an envelope. I had written a letter to Ron while I was still high on endorphins after my night with Nigel. But when I read his e-mail, reality set in. I have kept his e-mail in a special folder, where I occasionally reread it to relive our glorious night, and to remind myself what a big mistake I almost made. But I had to destroy the letter I wrote to Ron. The shower was running; Ron did not hear anything as I put it through the shredder.

Author's note: An interesting rationalization of her night with Nigel. She was just belatedly doing what she should have done seven years earlier - saying goodbye to a boy she may never see again. She finally got closure, so their romance is finally all in the past. The past is still the past, whether it was seven years ago or just yesterday. For a little while it affected her more than was wise, but now she finally put that relationship behind her and committed herself fully to Ron. All's well that ends well, right?

Note that everything that Nigel wrote, and Tracy said was true, strictly speaking. Oh, how much the truth can conceal!

The poem mentioned is the World War I poem "I Have a Rendezvous with Death," by Alan Seeger.