It was a fluke, an accident, just the merest set of circumstances and yet it happened, and it has changed my life.
If the battery on my cell phone wasn't dead.
If my wife had been home so that I could have used hers.
If I hadn't used the land line phone.
If the number wasn't on speed dial
If a bug hadn't flown in my face.
I never would have found out.
It was on a Saturday afternoon and Melanie, my wife of three years, was out shopping when I decided to call my brother. I picked up my cell phone and when I turned it on I got the disturbing notice, 'Battery low, recharge at once'. The land line we have is for local use only and since my brother lives on the West Coast I hate to use that phone for long distance calls. But Mel keeps her cell in her purse so I used the landline phone instead. It was a nice day and I went out on our terrace and started to punch in my brother's number. I got the first two digits in when a bug flew in my face and I fumbled the phone as I tried to wave it away. I must have pushed the talk button because when I got it under control I could hear it beeping away and then a male voice on an answering machine pick up the call.
"Hi, I'm either not at home or (a long pause) I'm doing what you think I might be doing. Leave a message after the beep and I'll come for you as soon as I can."
What the hell was that and was that a double entendre that I heard. I had only punched in two numbers. Was that number on speed dial on our phone? I tried it again and sure enough, it was on speed dial and the number showed on the little window on the phone. Mel must have put it there. I wonder what she has on her cell phone?
When she came home from her almost all day shopping spree she greeted me with a kiss on the lips and went straight into the shower. I noticed that she had no purchases with her.
Should I have been happy she didn't spend any money?
Why did she go straight into the shower since she had already taken one when she got up this morning?
I went to her purse and searched for her cell. I finally found it tucked away in a little pocket on the side next to another pocket that held three condoms.
Why the hell was she carrying condoms around, we only make love at home and she is supposed to be on the pill?
I opened her phone and went to message history and sure enough there it was, the same number showing up day after day, incoming and outgoing. They must have been in touch several times a day and now I had a name and a face to go with the number. She even had a picture of him in her cell! To say that I was upset was putting it mildly but I was not about to go charging into the shower to confront her. I wanted to know more.
It took a couple of weeks and more than a few bucks but I practically knew what color underwear he had on each day.
He was listed in her cell as Keith Richards with his email address, home address and work, house and cell numbers. So I googled him and his address. Didn't find out much about him there except that he was 30 years old and single but I did find out that he lived in an apartment house. It is amazing how much information is available out there online about any one of us. Through methods that were not always strictly legal I found out what he drove, where he worked, how much he made and where he spent it.
Now I had to figure out what I was going to do with the information. I also wanted to know just what the relationship was between Mel and him and how long it had been going on. First step was to put a recorder on the landline phone. That was easy and was a goldmine of information. The second was to secret a mini sound activated recorder in the lining of the satchel she called a purse, I don't know how she carried it around, the thing weighed a ton. That told me more than I wanted to know.
Mel works in the men's wear department of a chain department store in our up scale suburban mall. She is a cashier/sales clerk and fills in wherever and whenever they may need her. As such, she works irregular hours, often evening and weekends. I almost never know when she will be working. It plays havoc with our social life and makes our sex life catch-as-catch-can and very spontaneous when we are home at the same time. It also makes it very easy for her to be on the house phone when she is home alone and just as difficult for her to be on her cell phone when at work.
The first day I checked the phone recorder, she had called him. She greeted him with,
"Hi, it's me."
"Hello gorgeous, how's my sexy girl."
"You forgot."
"What did I forget?"
"Today is our anniversary."
"Anniversary?"
"Yes, it's a year since you came into the store and we met."
'Mmmmm, yes it is, but I was waiting to celebrate until next week."
"Next week?"
"Yes, then it will be the anniversary of the first time we made love."
"Oooooooooh you did remember."
"Of course I did. In fact I have one of your gifts in my hand now."
"You do? What is it?"
"If I tell you it won't be surprise, but you can guess.'
"Can the whole thing fit in my hand?"
"It could before but not now."
"Can I have it tomorrow night? I get off work at 4 and I'll tell Carl I'm working late. We will have until 9 o'clock."
"OK, I'll be sure to be home early and have it gift wrapped with a big red bow."
"I can't wait to unwrap it and try it on for size. Love you. Bye."
Short and sweet and so very informative. That bitch, a year, I never knew. I was pissed and when she walked into his apartment house the next afternoon, I was outside. I waited fifteen or twenty minutes, found his name and apartment number on the buzzer and pushed. His voice came through the speaker,
"Who's there?"
"UPS."
"Does it have to be signed for?"
"No."
"Bring it up and leave it by the door."
He's too damn busy fucking my wife to even answer the door. He buzzed me in and I went upstairs and knocked on his neighbor's door. A little old guy answered, I said.
"Is Keith home?"
"No dummy, he lives next door."
"Oh, I'm sorry."
"Tell him he will be sorry to if he doesn't keep that bitch from screaming anymore. He's turning this building into a whorehouse."
He slammed the door in my face. I put my ear to Keith's door and heard voices but couldn't make out what they were saying until I heard Mel scream out,
"Yes, yes. Oh my god. Please, yes, right there. Yes, do it again. AAAAggghhhh."
Then I heard slapping and some grunts and then silence. I left, I had enough, I went home. I heard it all when I fished out the purse recorder that night. She had come home after 10 o'clock looking a bit bedraggled. I said,
"You look like you had a hard day."
"Yeah, it was and on top of it all my register didn't balance out and it took me forever to find the error. I thought the day would never end. I just want to soak in the tub and fall into bed."
"Give me a call when you get there and I will rub your back and maybe make you forget about your tough day."
"I'd like to do that honey but I am bushed, how about a rain check."
"OK babe, catch you in the morning, Good night."
She gave me a kiss and disappeared into the bathroom and when I heard the bedroom door close I made a beeline for her purse and retrieved the mini recorder. It turned out I was right getting one with an eight gig memory card because after the garbage in the beginning I got the whole 4 Β½ hour session. I was almost sorry I got it all. It started with,