As this story begins I, Brian Walker, had become an amateur "loveologist." Yeah, that really is a word; it obviously means someone who studies love. To my knowledge there are no professional loveologists in the West, but there are some in Eastern Europe and Russia. Anyway, I didn't become a loveologist for any reason aside from self-preservation. Let me explain.
I had been married ten years to Daphne and we had two kids, four and six years old, when suspicions started to creep into my brain. I had never doubted that I loved Daphne or she me since we first met twelve years ago. Some people say that "love at first sight" only exists in fairytales, but that's what I considered my reaction to her and her to me. We didn't even really talk more than twenty minutes during our first meeting, but it was magical -- and resulted in marriage less than two years later.
It's hard to explain why I was suspicious; it was a bunch of little things but I couldn't get them out of my mind and when I tried to put them together like a jigsaw puzzle the reveal was "she's cheating," even if some pieces of the puzzle were missing. Even without proof my revelation had a significant adverse effect on me, which because I'm a scientist by trade -- a chemist -- I decided that I needed to make an in-depth analysis of my situation, feelings, environment, and relationships.
Aside from the obvious very, very, major complicating factor -- our two kids -- there was another problem. I had a confusing reaction to one of our married joint friends; Gail Stafford, and had that strange reaction every time that I saw her since I met her four years earlier. Gail has a daughter the same age as my daughter and they went to pre-school together. I say that I had a confusing "reaction" to her rather than "relationship" because we'd never been one-on-one together aside from a few minutes at parties or kids' events, I'd never kissed her, had exchanged hugs only a handful of times, and I didn't specifically recall ever dreaming about sex with her even though -- probably like 99.9% of married heterosexual men -- I have dreamt of sexual encounters with Anne Hathaway, Gail Gadot, Amal Clooney, Kristi Noem (even though I hate her politics), Alex Morgan, Jennifer Lawrence, and other famous unattainable women.
Before I tried to "solve" whatever problem that I might have had I tried to learn everything possible about the scientific and clinical aspects of "love." The "scientific method" had always worked well for me during my education and career so I thought I'd give it a try even with something as esoteric as love. I vowed to avoid the anecdotal platitudes about love such as "Love means never having to say you're sorry," "Love conquers all," "Love is blind," and the dozens of other clichés espoused in normal life -- I was only interested in explanations as close to scientifically accurate as possible.
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Probably the first thing that I learned is that most psychologists consider that there are distinct types of love for normal people (those without mental problems or clinical conditions like sociopaths or narcissists): Infatuation, Empty, Romantic, Companionate, Fatuous, and Consummate.
Passion is the key component of infatuation. If someone is physically attracted to another person but hasn't developed any emotional intimacy or established a commitment, it's infatuation.
"Empty love" is a committed relationship that lacks passion or intimacy. Examples include an arranged marriage or a previously emotional or physical relationship that's lost its spark.
When someone is romantically involved with another person, they share physical passion and emotional intimacy, but haven't made any long-term plans or commitments.
In companionate love someone is committed and emotionally connected, such as best friends or family. Marriages can also be companionate if the passion is gone, but someone still shares the commitment and emotional bond.
If someone has been swept up by passion into an engagement or marriage without emotional intimacy, this is fatuous love.
Consummate love is the goal for most people when they envision marriage or a spousal partnership. This kind of love includes commitment, passion, and emotional intimacy
In addition to the types of love, I also learned that love has a large chemical component -- which is right up my alley. According to actual scientific studies lust or infatuation (which can be fleeting or the first stage of love) is fueled by testosterone and oestrogen. Attraction (often the second stage of love) is characterized by dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin flowing through the hypothalamus region of the brain. Attachment (frequently characterized as the clinching stage of love, including consummate love) is defined by oxytocin and vasopressin being produced in the hypothalamus.
The hormone oxytocin is so significant that it has sometimes been labelled as "the love chemical." Oxytocin is a versatile chemical messenger which facilitates many physical responses including assisting in the delivery of a baby, and as it relates to love it has the psychological role as the catalyst of social and romantic bonding. It is, in other words, similar to the fictionalized "magic potion" that mystically makes people fall in love. It has been proven that individuals who are in love have higher levels of oxytocin in their bloodstream.
There is hard evidence that love may even affect your immune system. A 2019 study found that falling in love resulted in immune system changes similar to protective viral infection responses. Using statistical data some scientists have even speculated that love might also provide some level of a safeguard against cancer.
The lack of the hormones and neurotransmitters cited above can have significant adverse effects. When love isn't reciprocated someone may experience Takotsubo's cardiomyopathy, the medical term for what laymen call a "broken heart." Takotsubo's cardiomyopathy physically and chemically affects the muscles of the heart and can be life-threatening. In extreme cases unrequited love can actually "break your heart!"
Since in addition to my Master Degree in Chemistry I extensively studied biology in undergraduate school I believe that I got a good handle on the physiological effects of the "love chemicals." That alone led me to several preliminary assumptions, although those would have to be further examined to come to final conclusions.
I tried as best as I could to determine what effects my informed speculations about Daphne's cheating had on my physiological responses to her and what types of corrective or protective actions I could take to mitigate any physiological responses. I knew that divorce was absolutely the last resort because of the children. My six year old son required special attention -- he had a so far undiagnosed condition that made him emotionally fragile despite the fact that he was physically imposing to the extent that he was the largest and strongest six year old in our experience. My four year old daughter truly was a "daddy's girl," who relied on my attention to her for self-confidence and happiness. I could not even contemplate only a part-time life with them especially since the type of love that I had for them, unlike a "romantic-type" of love, was due to an innate biological function akin to breathing, and wasn't influenced to a significant extent by the hormones and neurotransmitters previously described.
My next step in my evaluation -- after ingesting all of the scientific chemical information that I could get my hands on -- was to evaluate my reaction to Gail Stafford. One thing that I had going for me in that regard was that Gail is a professor of psychology at a local community college so I could manufacture a suitable pretext for interfacing with her.
I called Gail up at her office and told her that I was strangely motivated to do an article, or maybe even a book, on the scientific underpinnings of love. I invited myself either over to her school when she had a completely free period, or to lunch at my expense -- her choice. She actually had a lilt in her voice when we talked, and she chose the latter.
The lunch ended up lasting two hours -- fortunately neither of us had real pressing work situations that day so that it didn't affect our jobs. I thought that I was doing a good job of faking discussions that related to my "article or book," until about fifteen minutes before we left to go back to work. I apparently didn't give Gail enough credit for being as perceptive as she is because after I wrote down what I later realized was a bullshit answer that she gave to one of my questions she looked me in the eye and asked "What is this really about Brian?"
"What do you mean?" I stammered.
"You're not writing an article; you're trying to analyze something in your life. I can think of four possible scenarios why you're doing that but rather than making me guess which one is your motivating factor why don't you just tell me?" Gail snickered.
Since I'm not a very good actor and Gail is good at reading people I knew that I was busted. Still I persevered without outright lying to her. "Uh, geez, Gail, I don't know what scenarios you're talking about," I replied as an unwelcome and telling drop of sweat dripped from my forehead onto my nose.
After staring at me for a few seconds she replied "OK, if you want to play dumb, I'll play along -- up to a point. Scenario #1, you and Daphne are going through a rough patch and you want some free marriage counselling; #2 you are thinking of bailing on Daphne and are looking for some justification; #3 you're trying to find out information to help a mutual friend that you don't want to identify."
I sat stone-faced for a while, with more sweat beads forming on my forehead. Without anything else to say I asked the obvious question. "You said four scenarios, that's just three."
"I was hoping to avoid the fourth one in the unlikely event that I'm wrong about the premise, but since you're being such an ass I'm going to say it," she sneered more than said. "#4 is that you have what may be infatuation with me or maybe the first stage of attraction, and you're fishing for a way to find out if it's reciprocated," she continued with an icy stare.
I knew then that the jig was up but I didn't want to concede defeat. After trying to return her stare for a few seconds, however, I wilted, put my arm on the table, and buried my head in it. I sat there like that for a good minute before I lifted my head up. "I guess that it was a bad idea to try and fool someone as smart and perceptive as you are. I apologize."
"I accept your apology, but I still need to know what scenario or scenarios it is; spill," she commanded.
I sighed deeply then replied "#1 and likely #4 too."
"That explains the sweaty palms, the obvious increase in heart rate, and uncharacteristic stammering when you're around me sometimes. Of course I recognized it but thought that I was probably mistaken because your wife Daphne is much sexier than I am," Gail chuckled.
"You've really noticed those physical manifestations?" I asked, truly perplexed.
