LOVE LOST
Unfortunately, through friends and family, I've seen everything in this story play out in real life. I try to make all my stories as real as possible. Some don't agree with the decisions or outcomes in the stories. But that's how real life is. It's different for everyone.
My thanks again to Randi for her editing and advice.
"Tom Sutton, how can you say something like that?"
"I said it because it's the truth. You're the one that's not being honest."
She looked a little angry, but more confused. "We've been together 30 years. You must know me better than that after all that time."
Thirty years is a long time to be together. You do get to know almost everything about the other person. But people change. When you meet a person at 25, they are not necessarily the same person you know 30 years later, even in the case of my wife, Abby. In fact, they can be radically different. Wants, needs, desires, emotions, almost anything can totally change.
I met Abby when I was twenty-five and she was the same age. I went to a party hosted by a friend of mine who was also a good customer. Abby was a friend of his wife. Little did we know, it was a setup. I didn't care, because as soon as I saw Abby, I was very interested. She was tall at five-nine and very slender. She had a beautiful face and was dressed very elegantly. I was in the fashion industry, and she oozed class. Her blond hair was worn short in a pixie style. I was drawn to her and after we talked for some time, I was hooked that very night. She told me later she felt the same. She liked that I was tall, at six-two, and although no one ever called me slender, I was in good shape from lifting and running every week.
She was working for the state as a social worker. After her undergrad work, she had gotten her MSW and she had a good job. I say good job, because she really liked her job and it gave her a lot of self-satisfaction. Social workers, even ones with master degrees, don't make a ton of money, but that wasn't the driving force for Abby. She liked helping other people. At least she felt like she was making a difference, and I suppose she was.
I was different. My degree was in business administration and I know what I wanted to do after college. At the end of high school and all thru college, I worked at a high-end men's clothing store. I worked summers, holidays and breaks doing anything needed. I sold, merchandized, ordered some inventory, took in delivered goods and even cleaned the bathroom if needed. The man who owned the store, Bill Nicholson, was a friend of my grandfathers who I really liked. He treated me great. When I got out of college, I went to work for Mr. Nicholson full time. I loved the business: the selling, the buying and the fashion industry. We sold only the finest brands, and therefore appealed to people who only wanted the best. We sold everything: dress shirts, ties, dress trousers, beautiful jackets and suits. Adding in accessories and shoes gave us have a full line of clothing. When I joined the store, there was only Mr. Nicholson, one other older gentleman and myself.
Two years after we met, Abby and I were married. Our marriage was great, and two years later we added Tommy Jr. to our family. Of course, two more years brought little Maggie along. After Maggie's birth, Abby stayed home with the kids. By then, I was making enough money at the store. Whenever you're living with one income in this day and age, sacrifices sometimes need to be made. Abby and I felt the sacrifices were well worth her being home with the children.
When Maggie was twelve, Abby approached me on her going back to work. She asked, "Tom, Tommy will be in high school next year and I think Maggie is old enough, so I'd like to go back to work and use my degree. Plus, I'm kind of bored being a stay-at-home mom. What are your thoughts?"
"I don't have any problem with it. Where are you thinking?"
"Well, my friend told me about an opening for an MSW at the hospital nearby. I want to go talk to them."
"Abby, it's entirely up to you. The store is doing fine, but if you think this would add something to your life, then go for it."
The next week, Abby sat down with the HR department at the hospital. She had the right degree and could still talk the talk, I guess. After a few more interviews she started back full time a few weeks later. Everything worked out well. Our kids were very reliable. They came home from school, did their homework, then did kid stuff. We had an older neighbor lady who would be waiting for them to make sure they were okay. They always told her where they were going before they went anywhere. Abby was always home about five and the lady would go on home. It all worked very well.
Abby loved her job and took to it like fish to water. She was also still a very good mother, so her job didn't seem to affect the children at all. My store was doing very well. I say my store, because eight years after college, Mr. Nicholson asked me if I would like to buy him out. He had a lot of money, so he gave me the proverbial offer I couldn't refuse. I kept the name "Nicolson's" for name recognition, but I made a few changes. I added some luxurious sportswear lines that really took off. Suits and ties were not worn as much, but sportswear was always good. I was now selling everything from tuxedos to jeans and tee shirts, just very nice jeans and tees.
A few years after Abby went back to work at the hospital, we had a problem. By then, my wife had bought into the idea that the doctors at work all walked on water. She came home each night going on and on about all the doctors with whom she worked. They were so intelligent, so sophisticated, so calm under pressure, so handsome, so wonderful in every way. After a few weeks of this, I had about had enough. I was going to lay into her at the dinner table that night, but my son Tommy beat me to it.
"Mom, what is wrong with you? You go on about those guys like they're God."
Maggie interrupted him. "I think it's disgusting the way you talk about them in front of Dad. How do you think that makes him feel?"
Abby looked at the kids like they were nuts. "That's ridiculous. I don't look at the doctors like they're God. And your father knows how I feel."
"Do I Abby?", I said. "How would you feel if I went on and on about the women that came into my store? How beautiful they are? How sophisticated they act? How they love to flirt with me, married or not? You wouldn't like it one bit. Nobody would. But you seem oblivious to the disrespect you show me." I was really pissed off now. I needed to get out of there before I lost my temper. "I've lost my appetite. I'm going out."
I went for a drive until I calmed down. I ended up at a sports bar not too far from home. I had a drink, ate some wings, and watched some English soccer. When I felt all right, I went home.
As I walked in the door, I found Abby waiting for me at the kitchen table. "Tom, I want to apologize to you for my disrespectful behavior. I wouldn't like it if you talked about other women like that."
"Are you really that enamored with those guys? It seems you have them on a pretty high pedestal. How should I feel about that?"
"You should feel that you're my husband. I love you and only you. At the hospital, the doctors are the most important people. I suppose I got caught up in the whole atmosphere. All the patients, nurses and other staff always defer to the doctors. The work they do really is impressive."
"Abby, in the last several weeks I've seen how you've lost respect for me. I don't know what I can do to gain it back. I've been a loyal husband, a loving father and a good provider to my family. If that means anything to you, you wouldn't be going on about other men. A lot of those guys have gone through nasty divorces, spend little time with their children and are hitting on the enamored female staff all the time. I don't deserve your disrespect. If I get any more of it, it will be on you when our marriage fails."
"Again, I apologize Tom. Don't talk about our marriage failing anymore. I love you and respect you. I hear what you're saying, and I've been out of line. It won't happen again."
Our life went on in a good way. Abby was always a great mother and a good wife. She talked about her work as we all do from time to time, but never about the doctors the way she did. She still enjoyed the work. My business was good and always growing. Most of our time together was connected with our children, as with most families. There was always school events or sports involving our kids. Abby volunteered at the school as much as possible. Because I owned the store, I rarely had to miss a game or anything the kids were involved with.
When both children were in college, our life went through a slow change. It was so gradually I didn't notice at first. Abby started throwing herself into her work. She also volunteered for various charitable groups around town. They really loved having her help. She was very good at organizing events, and because of her contacts at the hospitals she was able to get sponsors at some of their fundraising activities. This is all fine, except I was hoping that we could spend more time together after the kids left.
I know it's different for a woman when the children leave the nest. For many years your life revolves around being a mom. Suddenly, they don't need you as much as they once did. It creates an empty space in your life, and it's a big adjustment. Abby dealt with the emptiness in the house by spending less time at home, a lot less time. Almost every evening was filled with meetings, or events or dancing on Wednesday nights. She started taking dance lessons with girls from the hospital every Wednesday evening. One more thing to fill her weeknights. It didn't take long before I felt lonely and left out of Abby's life. It seemed that she was moving on without me.
My job was extremely demanding in a way that few outside retail understand. When you own a retail store, it's work ten a.m. to six p.m. Monday through Saturday fifty-two weeks a year. I had two other sales people besides me, plus a tailor, full-time. I also had a part-time sales woman who worked busy periods, vacations and when I was at market in New York in spring and the fall. My job is very lucrative, but it is demanding and I'm always under pressure to buy new updated goods that are tasteful, current in the latest fashion and keep up with the changing sizing and fits. I always have to be on top of my business. Abby's job may be rewarding, but it doesn't pay for her lifestyle or the children's college education.
Something else compounded the trouble in our marriage. During the last several years, our sex life had started to dwindle. Post menopause left Abby with dryness and pain. We tried lubricants, and they helped, but Abby slowly lost her desire. It was partly the fault of how uncomfortable sex had become, but also her libido was gone. She was nice at first. She tried to be accommodating using her hands and oral sex, but eventually she stopped trying. She just didn't care anymore.
"Abby, how do you expect me to live my life celibate?"
"I can't help it, Tom. A woman's body is different from men. Sex is just too painful and I don't feel any desire."
"I'm only in my early fifties? You know how I work out. My sex drive is almost as high as ever. Have you considered hormone replacement therapy?"
