Losing Control and Loving It

I am writing this as a way of understanding how I came to be what I am—totally devoted to this woman, Susan, who has so radically changed my life in ways I never would have dreamed of. Obviously I'm not unhappy or disappointed, but there are times when I am puzzled by how things turned out. You see, before I met her, I was very independent minded and quite the rebel. Susan takes care of everything: the bills, the plans, arrangements—you name it, she handles it. She's very bright and capable and loves me. She earns a very big salary and pretty much supports me.

However, I do a lot around the house--all the maintenance because I'm very handy at repairing things. When we decided to make major improvements to the house, I did a lot of the plumbing, carpentry, and electrical work that saved us money. I clean the house and do most all of the shopping. She does most of the cooking because she enjoys it, and she is an excellent cook. It seems like she is good at everything she does. Anyway, I think that I contribute a lot to this relationship. Obviously I please her a lot, or at least I try to and she seems pleased with me. But it's strange the way things turn out. So, I guess I'm writing this to see if I can figure it all out.

I met Susan, my partner, about ten years ago. She was a student in educational administration and close to earning a master's degree. She grew up in a wealthy family headed by a very aggressive father who is a CEO of a large corporation. And she is smart as a whip. She had been valedictorian of her high school class. When I met her, I was working as a property manager for a state agency in Wisconsin for about five years and thoroughly disliked it. We hit it off right away and things developed rather quickly. After a torrid romance of about two months, we moved in together and we've been together ever since. She was 21 years of age and I was 28.

She is very career oriented and we have never wanted children. We never married—although we told relatives and some other conventional types that we were. To our friends, we introduce each other as, "this is my lover, (Susan or Ron)".

I don't know if it was simply "erotic chemistry" or what, but just being around Susan made me feel really horny. There was a certain mystique about her with the way she sometimes looked at me—it often felt like she was gazing into my soul. In my early encounters with her, there were moments, probably only split seconds, in which I felt transfixed by this penetrating look of hers. It could be quite unnerving. I wasn't the only one affected by this. I've witnessed others having the same reaction, especially men.

She has a very strong sex drive and a free spirit, and fortunately for me, she found me attractive. .

I've always been extremely attracted to her. She is tall and slender with long legs, auburn hair, and perfect 36 inch breasts with prominent nipples that drive me wild. She has the loveliest pussy that I've ever seen, the scent reminds me of rosemary, and those long flappy lips sandwiched between the puffy outer ones excite me to no end. Just the thought of them wrapped around my dick gives me an instant hard-on. And all this fascinating architecture is topped of with an excitable clit that my tongue loves to play with. During the first couple of years, we had sex as often as I could ever want it, in all kinds of places and positions

I think that is was around the third year that things started to change a little. Susan was offered, and accepted, a very good position in San Francisco which meant that I had to give up my job--but I was glad to leave it. I was initially busy with fixing up our new home which was an old Victorian in Noe Valley. I spent about four months rehabbing and restoring the place. It was beautiful when I finished, and worth considerably more than what we paid for it. After that I didn't really look for a job, and I just naturally assumed the role of a house husband. She earned a very good income and didn't mind my being at home and taking care of things.

It seemed like Susan was initiating sex more. There was one unusual experience that I remember very well. I was absorbed in a book I was reading, and she sat down near me, spread her legs apart, reach under her skirt and put her fingers in her pussy, and then into her mouth to lick them. She knew how much I enjoyed eating her pussy, but still I thought that this was rather strange behavior. Being totally into my book, I didn't respond right away. She acted very annoyed and came over and took the book out of my hands, sat down on the couch beside me and started caressing my dick and French kissing me. Well that got me in the mood real quick. After she got me into a panting, heaving state, she moved my head down to her bush (she wasn't wearing any panties) where I eagerly went to work on her lips and clit with my tongue until I brought her to a screaming orgasm. Afterward I regarded this incident as just a very unusual happening.

But in time I was to learn that this was no isolated incident. Maybe because she was so accommodating to my needs that I really wanted to please her and respond to her needs. But, in any case, I found myself getting instantly turned on when she did this finger-in-her-pussy thing and waved it at me. Sometimes I didn't respond immediately and she would come over and start messaging my cock through my pants while French kissing me. Soon, even if I were preoccupied with other things, I found myself getting a raging hard-on when she did this in front of me.

I'd say something like, "Oh please, Susie, can I have a taste too?" And she would put her pussy-juice laden fingers in my mouth and I would make appreciative noises followed by kissing her, going down on her to feast on her juicy lips and clit, and then fucking her to exhaustion. After several weeks of this type of come-on, she would only have to raise her skirt in a provocative way with a come hither smile on her face, and I almost immediately became hard and went down on her.

I think it was about a year later that I started suspecting that she was having affairs with other men. I became fully aware of this when we went on a camping trip with my visiting sister over a three day weekend, and during the afternoon of the second day Susan volunteered to go into the nearest town for some provisions. Well she didn't return until the next morning. I worried a lot, not so much for her safety because she could take care of herself, but that she likely had slept over with some guy. I remember being terribly embarrassed to have this happen when my sister was there. She finally turned up early the next morning and was unable to give any kind of reasonable explanation. After my sister left on the following day, I questioned Susan further about the incident. She gave some lame excuse for staying overnight in town, but I was convinced that she had an affair. She never admitted anything, and didn't even apologize.

I hated having secrets and didn't want this sort of thing to happen again, so I suggested to her that we have an open relationship. I asked that we be totally honest and above board about it by informing the other partner if either of us were having an affair or had an affair. However we would maintain a primary commitment to each other, and if the other ever felt threatened, the relationship with the outside person would be terminated. Susan agreed without making any comment.

This arrangement seemed to work out very well and I found the next two years to be very exciting. And Susan clearly did too. It was wonderful having the freedom to have sex with other women and not hide it. It seemed to just enhance our own relationship. I loved her more than ever. She would even set me up with women at the office where she was working, and occasionally with old friends of hers who came to visit. There was a period in which I was carrying on affairs with two other women while maintaining a very active sex life with Susan. My cup runneth over.

She often had affairs of her own, and I really enjoyed knowing this. In fact, I would sometimes ask her for details of her sexual experiences, and afterward make wild, passionate sex with her. I loved the thought of her fucking another guy! So much so that I sometimes wondered if I was normal. From reading the articles on this website, I now realize that it is not so unusual.

I have many pleasant memories, and some which I cherish. One evening she came home much later than I expected from a meeting at a large coop house shared by a number of single people. I stayed up to wait for her because I was a bit worried. Susan always let me know about her schedule and I could always depend on it. I had expected her to be home around 10:00 PM. She came in the door shortly after midnight with a big grin on her face and told me that a young guy--she thought still a teenager because of his awkward manner--came on to her after the meeting, and finally blurted out that he wanted to have sex with her. Because he seemed so needy, she stayed there after the meeting and went with him to his room. Her face glowed with a sweet satisfaction. Clearly she had thoroughly enjoyed the affair.

This turned me on to no end. I started French kissing her and wanted to have sex right away, but she apparently had had enough. While embracing me, she rubbed my dick through my pants until I was hard, then unzipped my pants, and the next thing that entered my awareness was that she was jerking me off! I had absolutely no control of myself, went off like a fountain in no time, and collapsed on the sofa. I generally have powerful orgasms, but this really blew me away! Once the orgasm subsided, I felt strangely confused—relief from sexual tension, but frustrated and embarrassed at not achieving the kind of fulfillment that I had intended.

On another occasion Susan let me know that she was going to sleep over at a guy's house in the evening. It was a fellow I knew somewhat, and with his rugged good looks I could see why she was so attracted to him. He was sharing a house with a workmate of Susan's, a woman with whom I also was acquainted. I found that just the idea of this affair was so thrilling. Soon I became so obsessed and aroused by my imagination that I couldn't resist going over to his place later in the evening to see if I could observe anything.

It was a hot summer night so the windows were open, and I found a secluded place in the back yard and discovered the two of them in a back bedroom. I could see and hear quite a bit. It blew my mind when I saw her go down on him, and then later seeing him on top of her and hearing her moaning with pleasure and ending up nearly screaming with excitement. She was always very noisy during love making and I loved it, but watching another man actually fuck her was a rather surreal experience. I felt waves of anxiety roll over me followed closely by other more powerful waves of mesmerizing sexual arousal.

Unfortunately Susan's workmate discovered my presence in the back yard when she came to the back annex for something. Since she knew me, she wasn't frightened and I waved her off with a familiar smile and left. I was worried that she would mention this to Susan.

To my embarrassment the next evening Susan brought up the subject and asked if I had enjoyed myself. She wasn't angry or upset; she just seemed amused by it all. But I couldn't really answer her question. I guess I was a bit uncomfortable with the fact that I had gotten very aroused by watching her get fucked and going down on him. She gave me a knowing look like she had discovered a big secret about me.

After we went to bed that evening, she initiated sex by caressing me and rubbing my cock which responded enthusiastically. But instead of proceeding on to intercourse, she started stroking me and talking to me. In the midst of the pleasurable sensations that were spreading over my taught body, I was hearing her tell me about being fucked by her friend and going into great detail about it. I found myself getting extremely turned on and I came very quickly shooting my load all over her arm. "Aha, I finally got my answer!" and she laughed hysterically as she grabbed for tissues to clean up with. Well, I could hardly deny that I did indeed enjoy watching her having sex with that guy.

In time I became aware that this experience also triggered something in her, because over the next several months there were several incidents, mostly setup by her, where I was present while she was having sex with another guy.

One such incident happened when an old acquaintance of hers from Wisconsin called her one morning at work. He was attending a convention and staying at a hotel downtown. Susan met him for lunch and they apparently hit it off. She called me in the afternoon and told me that she would be spending the evening with him. Well, around 10:30 after I had just gone to bed, she called to ask me to come down to his hotel room and join them. I was a bit tired and wasn't sure that I could handle a scene like that, and begged off. But she coaxed me into coming over.

(It seems like she can always talk me into anything. I often thought that she should have been a trial lawyer, because she could argue any point of view very persuasively. Even when she was dead wrong on an issue--and that didn't happen very often--she could make a very convincing argument that she was right. One time she talked me into letting her hold my dick while I peed in the toilet. This was surprisingly difficult for me to do, but she was patient with me and talked my anxiety down to a level where I felt relaxed enough to let it go.)

On the way over, I remember having very mixed feelings about it. I had also met the guy a few times in Wisconsin, and he had impressed me as a very pleasant fellow. But nothing like this had happened before, and I wasn't sure I could handle it. When I arrived the two of them were in their bathrobes. He and I got reacquainted and we managed to strike up a conversation.

Then she went to the bathroom to freshen up, and meanwhile I undressed. He took off his robe, and we both got into bed. He and I continued chatting while she took her time. The delay seemed to just increase the sexual tension; and when she finally joined us, we were both in a high state of arousal.

She removed her robe and got in the middle of this king sized bed and lay down between us. At first he seemed a little inhibited about the situation, so I started things off and he followed my lead. After caressing and kissing Susan, he would do likewise. While sucking on her left nipple, he would enjoy her right nipple. I went down on her, and then he followed me after I finished. From the sounds Susan was making, it was clear that she was thrilled with all the attention. I got on top of her and fucked her a while, and then he moved on top of her. I, to my surprise when I thought about it afterward, held and guided his cock into her vagina. It seemed so natural, and enjoyable. And what a turn on to see him fucking her and to see her enjoying it so much! Pretty soon they gradually moved to the other end of the bed and completely ignored me. This bothered me, and finally I just got up, dressed and left.

The next day we briefly talked about the experience. She was glad that I had come over to join them, and hinted that it had greatly enhanced the experience for her. She somehow knew that I had handled his cock (I suspect that he told her), teased me a little about it, and asked me if I wasn't a bit attracted to men. I felt a bit flustered, but waved this off as just an amusing incident. She was so happy about the experience that I decided not to mention my disappointment at the end when I felt ignored.

On another occasion she expressed interest in having an affair with a college instructor that we both knew, and hinted that I should get it on with his wife. I didn't take the hint very seriously, but about a week later Susan asked how things were going with his wife and me, and I indicated that I wasn't sexually interested in her. Well I got quite a scolding! I began to realize that Susan's request had something to do with this guy's need to swap partners if he was going to have sex with Susan—and she clearly wanted sex with him. Seeing how much she wanted this, I went along with it. Sex with his wife, who was attractive enough, wasn't the most passionate sex I ever had, but it was a small price to pay to get along with Susan and keep her happy.

For some reason one day she wanted me to fuck her anally. Well, she was very adventurous and I guess she just wanted to try something new. I had never thought about doing such a thing, but I agreed to do it. I don't think she was particularly impressed by the experience.

About a week later she wanted to reciprocate by fucking me with a dildo. Again in her cool, persuasive way, she managed to get me to go along with this. Susan got the dildo herself and one evening asked me to give it a try. Well, this turned out to be quite a revelation! It did hurt initially, but after a short while it felt absolutely wonderful. While taking me from behind doggy style, she reached around with her hand and jerked me off. God, what an orgasm I had! I had never experienced anything that powerful before. And she was quite impressed by my reaction. Over the next several weeks to my great satisfaction, she occasionally fucked me this way.

Soon she was suggesting that I should try to have sex with a man, saying that anal sex was clearly something I really enjoyed. (Sometimes I thought that Susan knew me better than I did myself.) She argued that fucking me with her dildo was more of a favor that she performed for my enjoyment, but that it really didn't do much for her; hence I should seek out men for this. But I was very uncomfortable about this idea and she knew it. She tried to relax me about man to man sex, claiming that it was just another expression of human sexuality. It didn't mean that I was any less of a man, and so on.

One day Susan suggested that it might be helpful to become more comfortable with the idea if I imagined having sex with a man while she was fucking me with her dildo, and that I should make it a daily practice to jerk off normally until I came close to orgasm at which time I should fantasize about a man fucking me. I didn't think much of this idea, but I agreed to try it just to please her. After I practiced this for a few weeks, she brought up the subject again. She said she thought I was ready for the real thing and said I should go to a gay oriented bathhouse that a gay male friend of hers had told her about. I put her off as long as I could, but it was clear that she wasn't going to let this slide. I finally I got up the courage and went.

Well, I learned a whole new side of myself that I was pretty much unaware of before—having sex with men was great! I learned how to suck off a man, how to fuck, and especially, to be fucked by a man. I learned how to put a condom on a guy's cock with my mouth while sucking him. I tried everything. I found that I enjoyed the taste of cum, although I wouldn't swallow for safety reasons. I discovered that I was mostly a "bottom" as they say in the gay world, that is, I enjoyed receiving a guy's dick in my mouth or ass more than any other activity. I never have lost my desire for women, in fact, I think I prefer sex with women, but the orgasms that I received from men were often more powerful than vaginal fucking. But I still love turning a woman on and bringing her to orgasm.

It wasn't long before Susan came up with the idea that we should go to a coed bathhouse together. I was surprised that there was such a place, but I went. It was like being at a nudist colony only the participants were there strictly for sex or as voyeurs of sex. We had every kind of sex in that place over the next several months. I won't go into details, but you can imagine. Maybe I'll write them up in another article in the future.