Trigger Warning - This is a comedic erotic story (at least I hope it is). Its principal theme is the humorous yet emotional reaction of a husband and his friend to the wife's demand for threesome sex with both of them, under the manipulative threat of going out and being in a threesome with two strangers. The characters are intentionally over-the-top (yet loving) caricatures for the purpose of humor and are not intended to be hurtful or disrespectful to: men, women, construction workers, Italian Americans, Catholics, members of any Catholic church anywhere which might happen to be named St. Aloysius (a name I chose because I thought it sounded funny), anyone from Melville, Long Island, residents of Long Island, Staten Island or anyone from the greater metropolitan NY area in general. I have done my best to capture the NY/Long Island accent based on the time I have spent there in the past and other source material, again no offence intended and apologies in advance for any regional inaccuracies. If you are or may be potentially offended by any of the above and continue to read at this point - that's on you. For those who continue, I hope people enjoy this little romp in the spirit in which it was written.
###################### Part 1 ##################################
"You want me to WHAT?"
"What, do I friggin stutter over here? I said, I want you to fuck Natalie."
"Fuckin Christ Danny, are you NUTS?"
Danny was serious as a heart attack. We were sittin' in the back yard, crackin some cold ones and bullshittin about sports, then all of a sudden he drops this shit on me.
"Joey, you're my oldest friend. We know each other since second grade. You were my best man. Shit, you were a fuckin pall bearer at Pops' funeral cuz you were like a second son to him. If I can't come to you with this, who can I?"
I got up out of the lawn chair and stared down at Danny.
"What the fuck is goin' on Danny?"
Danny slugged down another beer. He had outpaced me 2-to-1 all day. I shoulda knowed somethin' was wrong. He wiped the foam from his mouth with the back of his hand.
"Natalie wants to be with two men."
I grabbed my head, walked back to the chain link and leaned on it. I kept sayin over and over "Holy shit.... Holy shit... holy shit!"
Danny walked up next to me, slugged another bottle of beer, belched and said "Yeah, hows you think I feel about it."
" Danny... Danny... what the fuck man. This is Natalie were talkin about here. She's on the friggin' fundraising committee at St. Aloysius. She's your freakin WIFE man!"
Danny drank, belched again, and laughed in a weird way. "Yeah. Fucked up right? But she's serious Joey. I don't know what's goin on, but she said if I don't do this with her, she'll go out and do it on her own."
"Jesus Danny. Have you talked to Father McCarthy about this? Or anyone? Maybe you two should get some counselin or somethin."
Danny turned and looked at me and snorted "Father McCarthy? Seriously Joey? How's that gonna go down. 'Hey Father, Natalie wants one in her cooch and one in her ass at the same time. Whaday think? Okay or what?"
"Wait, you serious? She doesn't just want to just... suck two dicks at once... or get spit roasted? She actually wants..."
"Yup."
I turned and slid down the fence till I was on my ass on the ground. "I think I'm gonna throw up."
Danny sat down next to me and threw the empty bottle over his shoulder. I heard it crash into the rocks in the creek behind his fence.
We sat there, in the backyard we played in as kids, behind the house Danny grew up in and I was at any day he wasn't at mine. And he was tellin' me he wanted me to help him DP his wife. I looked over at him. And fuck me sideways if he wasn't cryin.
"Danny, buddy. C'mon bro."
"She's gonna do this thing Joey. God help me she's gonna do it. With or without me. And it's killin me. I don't know how she got this idea into her head.... Jesus Fuckin Christ Joey, I love her and this shit is has really got me freaked out!" He put his head in his hands.
I massaged his shoulder with one hand, like we did when we was wrestlin together and one of us got banged up. "Hey.. hey man... c'mon now man. Listen, you want maybe I should maybe talk to Natalie? Try to find out what the fuck is up over here?"
Danny nodded. He pulled his head up and sniffed in air. "Yeah, you do that. Okay... talk to her ya know?" He stood up and weaved towards the house. "I gotta take a piss."
##################### Part 2 ###################################
The diner was noisy, typical Saturday night. Paul Anka was playin low over the speakers. Natalie was sittin across from me. She was your typical Italian Long Island girl. Big hair, big earrings, big tits, big ass, not too big though, just nice ya know. She was wearin a top that was maybe too open for a married woman. I could see the tops of her tits real good and the lace of her bra. I was tryin my best not to glance, this was my best friend's wife, but Jesus what a pair she had.
"So what's so important Joey that I gotta send Danny Jr to my sister's for the night? Sounded like... I don't know...the friggin world was comin to an end."
"Listen Natalie, Danny's been tellin me somethin... about... you... and it's got me real confused. I figured maybe you and I could talk a little you know. Maybe sort somethin out before things get too weird over here."
"So he asked you then like I asked him to?"
I stared at her. She was serious. "YOU asked HIM... to ask ME? Jesus Natalie... I mean... seriously... what the fff.." I stopped myself before I said it, there were kids and grandmas in here.
"What, you think he woulda come up with that on his own?" She shrugged. "Sure I asked him to ask you. You're still hot Joey, you don't look much different from when we were young. You got all your hair, you keep fit..." she picked up her glass of soda, put her tongue on the tip of the straw and smiled ".. you got a monster schlong."
I hunched my shoulders and pulled my head down "Jesus Natalie. Keep your voice down."
She laughed but lowered her voice. She leaned over the table a little closer to me. "What Joey, you don't think half the girls that grew up in Melville don't know about you and your... you know. Christ Joey you're a friggin legend. I get moist just thinkin about it."
I hunched even lower "For Christ's sake Natalie."
"Oh grow up Joey. We're not kids anymore. We shouldn't be embarrassed about se...." I looked at her and shook my head, warning her with my eyes. She lowered her voice to a whisper "...sex."
"Natalie, we're not just talkin about.... That. What Danny is tellin me you want... it's... it's..."
"What Joey? Abnormal, perverted, a sin?" her voice was going up. People was startin to look. Natalie's chin was quiverin and her eyes looked teary. Oh fuck, she was gonna start cryin any second, and the manager was lookin over at us. Instead she picked up the napkin, wiped her eyes and blew her nose into it. Then she stood up and came around to my side of the booth. She shoved my shoulder to push me in and sat down next to me.
She leaned in close and spoke softly, not whisperin, just soft you know. "Listen Joey. I don't care anymore. I been a good Catholic girl my whole life. I went to my bridal bed a virgin, mostly anyway. I'm good to my husband. I keep a tidy house and don't spend too much money. I'm stayin home and raisin Danny Junior to be a good kid. I do right by my family and the church. I got no intention of divorcin Danny, he's a good man. But now this is somethin I want, for me. And I want to do it with my husband and his best friend who I've known since fourth grade. Not a couple of strangers."
