Long After the Fact

KIM

April 26

The sky was a cloudless blue and the sun's rays reflected off the swimming pool were dazzling. Dan was grateful for his new sunglasses.

He was sitting at the poolside bar of a resort in San Diego, drinking a Corona and enjoying the heat of the sun on his shoulders. He had just finished the second day of a lengthy interview at Cygnodyne, a three-year old technology firm that Sam Evans had recommended he look into.

"They've got some topnotch people, Dan, and I think in the next five years they're going to make a lot of people rich. If you're serious about getting away from here, that's the first place I'd check out."

So Dan, armed with a letter from Sam to one of the Cygnodyne vice-presidents, a friend from graduate school, came out for an interview. He wasn't sure yet that he WAS serious about leaving Ohio; but now, sitting in the sun with his beer, he was pretty sure that if he moved to California he would take the Cygnodyne job. The people were fun and smart, and there were lots of

projects on which they could really benefit from Dan's help.

Dan suddenly felt a pair of cool hands covering his eyes. Almost at the same moment a teasing voice cooed, "Guess who?", while Dan felt a woman's breasts pressing against his back. A fraction of a second later he caught a whiff of her perfume, which brought back memories from years before.

Smiling, he said, "that has to be Kim Roth!" He turned around and gazed into her pretty face, which at that moment was pouting with mock-disappointment.

"Damn!" she said, unable to hide her growing smile. "After 16 years, and 2000 miles away from Ohio, and I still can't fool you?"

"Well, Kim, you've always been pretty memorable." That got an even bigger smile out of her. Dan stood up, and they shared a long hug.

Kim was the younger sister of Dan's first serious college girlfriend, Annette Roth. He'd seen her from time to time when she visited Annette at school, or when Dan went home with Annette over vacations. She'd never concealed her interest in her big sister's boyfriend, and there had been moments when Dan had been sorely tempted!

Kim was tall and stacked, blonde and blue-eyed, and very very sexy. In fact she was unquestionably more attractive than Annette. But she had also been giggly and immature, and Dan had always made clear to her that he belonged to the big sister in the family. That hadn't stopped Kim from flirting, though. Dan could remember a couple of times when she'd gotten him turned on enough that he'd had to retreat to a bathroom and quickly jack himself off.

Now, he just sat back and admired her. Kim was wearing a turquoise bikini, a small one, and she looked incredible. All around them, both men and women were gazing at her with interest. Kim clearly knew it and was enjoying the attention.

"So tell me, Kim Roth—how have you been, and what on earth led to you San Diego?" As he spoke Dan waved to the bartender, and he ordered Kim a drink.

"Well, Dan, it's not Kim Roth any more—I'm Kim MacElroy, thanks to that dumb son-of-a-bitch I just divorced." Kim's face turned cold, the pleasure of seeing Dan disappearing from her eyes.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dan replied, genuinely sympathetic.

Over the next hour or so, and a couple more drinks for each, Kim and Dan got caught up. Dan gave her the short version of his situation, and she told him in rather more detail about the overbearing, selfish ex-husband she had just put out of her life. He may have been the wrong guy, but it appeared that he had plenty of money, and that Kim was living a life of leisure on the part of it she'd acquired in the settlement.

Kim insisted that Dan join her for dinner at La Paloma, her favorite Spanish restaurant in San Diego. Afterwards they drove to a bar she liked with an outdoor terrace overlooking the city, where they talked and enjoyed the view of the city's lights.

Dan knew that Kim was coming on to him, and he was deeply torn about what to do. On the one hand, she was even sexier than she'd been as the 16 year-old younger sister of his college girlfriend. He hadn't had sex in more than two months, and Kim's eager availability was almost impossible to resist.

On the other hand, he was also realizing that he didn't like Kim very much. As a high school girl, she'd been silly and giggly but also kind of fun. Now, as a 32 year-old divorcée, she seemed bitter and self-absorbed. She spoke nastily about her ex (which of course may have been fully justified), and had hardly a nice word for anyone or anything else in her life. As tempting as she was sexually, Dan knew that he wouldn't want any more to do with her than a quick screw, and he was reluctant to take advantage of her that way.

At a little past 11 pm, Kim leaned over and put her hand on Dan's upper arm. Leaning close, she said, "would you like to see my place, Dan? I have a beautiful view of the city from my bedroom window."

She smiled slowly and added, "we can have a nightcap there—what do you say?"

Carefully choosing a white lie, Dan replied, "God, Kim, I sure am tempted! But it's been a long day, and I'm really fading! I've got to be back at Cygnodyne at 8am tomorrow—can we take a rain-check?"

She sat back abruptly, looking hurt and annoyed. But all she said was, "sure, Dan. Let's do it another time."

On the drive back to Dan's hotel Kim was nearly silent, and he knew that he'd hurt her feelings. But he was also sure that he'd made the right decision and avoided a worse mistake. It wasn't even about being faithful to Susan, though she was always in his mind. It was more about not sending the wrong message to someone he knew he didn't want to be involved with.

When Kim pulled up in front of the hotel, she said coldly, "well, Dan—great to see you."

He turned and took her hands. "Kim, please don't read me wrong. I am very attracted to you—probably more than you realize! But everything with Susan is all mixed-up in my head right now. I wish I could forget all about her, and just jump on your bones!" He grinned at her.

"But I'm just...well, it's all tangled up in my mind. I'm sorry."

Kim smiled warmly at him, and Dan saw that he'd said the right words.

"It's okay, baby," she said, stroking his cheek with one hand. "But the next time you're out here I'll expect you to make up for it!"

Their evening ended with few warm, friendly kisses, with just a little bit of teasing tongue in them. Dan headed up to his room aroused but relieved—he knew he'd done the right thing.

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HOME AGAIN

May 2

Susan sat in Dr. Branden's waiting room, wondering whether Dan would appear for their session. She hadn't seen him in two weeks—since his angry outburst in the therapist's office, he had neither called nor answered her calls to him. Since that time he had missed three appointments with her and Dr. Branden.

A week earlier, Susan had talked to Sam Evans. To her horror, Sam told her that Dan was out in California, interviewing for a job in San Diego.

"Is he really going to move out there?" she asked him, clutching the phone tightly.

"I don't know, Susan. I'm not even sure Dan knows. It's a good company, and they'll probably make him an offer. But I have no idea what Dan is planning to do."

Susan had spent the past week feeling more and more unhappy. During the five terrible weeks before Dan first reappeared, she had clung to the hope that if she could only see him again, only persuade him of her love and total commitment to him, her remorse for the affair, he'd come back into her life.

But the therapy sessions that made little progress; then his passionate, furious words in their fifth session; and now this two-week absence, all left her as frightened as she'd ever been.

Diana was continuing to be a great friend, coming over for coffee or talking to her on the phone for hours; but Diana's increasing anger at Dan wasn't helping matters any.

"Look, Susan," she'd said the other day. "He's been jerking you around for weeks now! I know you love him, but you've said you're sorry, you've done everything you can to make it up to him. What the hell does he want?

"If you ask me it's time to show him what he might be losing. You don't have to wait for him to divorce YOU, you know. And you don't have to stay home alone every night, either."

Susan sighed to herself. It was all fine for her friend Diana to talk to her about considering a divorce, or starting to date again—but she felt as though her choices were Dan or a lifetime of loneliness. The idea of another man in her life was unimaginable.

Just as Dr. Branden opened her door and invited Susan to enter, the hall door opened and Dan rushed in, a little out of breath. He smiled at the two startled women and said, "sorry, couldn't find a parking space. I hope I'm not late?"

When they'd settled in the office, Dr. Branden said, "Dan, I'm glad you've come back. We have missed you the last two weeks."

"I'm sorry—to both of you." He looked over to Susan. "After . . . after the last time, I just needed some time away—time to think. I flew out to California for a few days, had a job interview, considered my options.

"Susan, I should have called you, and I'm sorry. But I'm here now, and I was hoping I could begin the session?"

Both women were looking at him in some surprise. The change in his appearance was remarkable. Aside from having a nice tan, Dan seemed relaxed and open. His facial features weren't pinched tight, and his body language suggested much more comfort with himself than anything Dr. Branden had ever seen in him.

"By all means, Dan, why don't you go ahead?"

Dan turned to Susan and looked intently at her. "Honey, I had a lot of time to think while I was away, and it's been really helpful."

He recounted his successful interview with Cygnodyne and their job offer. He talked about how beautiful and appealing the San Diego area was—"especially compared to Ohio winters!", he said with a laugh—and then he went on to talk, more seriously, about his encounter with Kim.

"I don't think you ever met her, Susan. She's Annette Roth's younger sister, she always had kind of a crush on me while I was dating Annette."

Dan spoke openly about his evening with Kim, her interest in him, and his decision not to go to bed with her. His face was serious, but he spoke with energy and purpose.

"The fact that she was offering herself to me—sex on a silver platter, with a very attractive woman—made me realize that sex alone wasn't what I wanted. I could never have had a relationship with Kim, and I didn't even want to think about starting one—with her or anyone else.

"It took a couple more days, Susan—a couple of days of wrestling with myself—but I realized that I want to be with you." He looked directly at her.

"I know it will be very difficult for us. Well, for me at least. I have a lot of anger inside me, and it may be a long time before I feel I can completely forgive you, and trust you again. But I want us to try."

Dan sat back in his chair. Both he and Dr. Branden looked at Susan and waited for her response. Dr. Branden couldn't have been more delighted by his words and his new open attitude.

Susan found herself trembling, and knew vaguely that there were tears on her cheeks. She'd listened to Dan's story with increasing, almost unbearable tension, and now the words burst out of her before she had even a moment to think about what she was saying.

"Oh, how nice for you, Dan! You've thought about it, you've had your time on the beach to consider, and now you're going to do me the honor of giving me another chance!

"After disappearing for more than a month, after tearing my heart out, leaving me to cry over you—then after vanishing again for two MORE weeks and jetting off to California without a word—now you're going to bestow your lofty forgiveness on ME?

"That's just lovely! How noble of you! How kind! And of course you expect I'll just fall into your arms, weeping with gratitude? 'My lord and master is taking me back!'

"Well fuck you! You're going to forgive me? How about asking whether I'm willing to forgive you, for the cruel way you disappeared on me?"

Susan continued to hurl angry words at Dan, her face growing red, her voice approaching a shout. He looked utterly nonplussed.

Dr. Branden tried to cut in at one point, saying, "Susan, I'm not sure you're being fair about what Dan said . . ."

But Susan cut her off. "Dr. Branden, I heard the same thing you heard! He's going to take pity on me, the poor sinner, and raise me up! He's going to give me the chance to crawl on the floor in abject surrender, lick his boots until he thinks I've suffered enough, and then maybe allow me to be his wife again!"

She went on another few minutes, finally subsiding into a furious silence, her chest heaving.

Dr. Branden wasn't fast enough. She knew she had to take control of the situation, help Dan absorb the unexpected blow, but he spoke before she could gather her thoughts.

"Well, Susan," he said, very quietly. "I had no idea you felt that way."

He waited a moment, then continued. "If you're not interested in getting back together, I guess I'll take that San Diego job."

Before either woman could respond he rose and walked to the door.

"I'll get the rest of my things out of the house in the next few days. You should probably find a lawyer, so we can work out how we're going to handle the financial stuff."

"Dan, you should stay and let us discuss this..." the doctor began.

But without another word, Dan left the office.

Dr. Branden turned to Susan, who was sitting frozen, her mouth hanging open. She looked utterly shocked and miserable. After a moment she burst into tears and was soon sobbing, her face buried in her hands.

"What did I do?" she wailed. "He offered to give me another chance and I yelled at him—I chased him away! What the hell is wrong with me?"

Abandoning professional detachment, the therapist knelt by Susan's chair and held her, feeling the tears roll down Susan's cheeks onto her arms. She said nothing, instead waiting many minutes until her patient grew calmer.

Finally, Dr. Branden returned to her chair and began to speak.

"Susan, I'm so sorry about what just happened. Sorry because I didn't anticipate it, and wasn't fast enough to help Dan understand it. I didn't expect him to jump up and leave so quickly."

Susan was still sniffling. "But why DID I attack him like that? I didn't mean all those horrible things. I want him back! That's all I want!" She resumed crying, quietly.

Dr. Branden began to speak, gently but with authority. "Susan, the big problem here—aside from the obvious one of adultery—is one of timing. I've never seen a situation like this before, where you and Dan are so far out of sync.

"For you, the affair is a painful episode from the past. You feel guilt and remorse about it, but much less than you did two years ago. Our work together helped you understand your behavior, put it in the context of your depression, and—to a great extent—you were able to forgive yourself. Above all, by re-dedicating yourself to Dan and your marriage, you were able to atone for it in your own mind.

"But for Dan it's still brand-new, a gaping wound in his heart, an enormous blow to his self-confidence and sense of masculinity. As much as you and I know that the affair was a product of your depression, for Dan it's a direct rejection of him as a man. And a further cause of his anger is his feeling that you lied to him for so long—you kept this secret from him.

"Conversely, you are much more aware than he is of the pain he's caused you over the past three months. I'm sure he'd admit that his disappearance was partly to cause you suffering, as it did. But while for you that pain is uppermost right now, for him it's a small detail, compared to the pain he feels about your affair.

"For Dan it is perfectly reasonable to feel that what has to happen is him forgiving you. But you are only human—of course you're angry about how he's treated you since February."

"But that doesn't mean I should have torn into him like that!" Susan replied tearfully.

"You were honestly expressing how you felt at that moment," Dr. Branden said. "If I'd been faster, I could have helped Dan understand that it was only part of what you were feeling. I will do my best to do that at our next session.

"He won't be back," Susan said bleakly. "I know what he's like. He just made a decision—he's leaving and he won't change his mind."

Dr. Branden felt uneasy. "Then you and I will just have to keep reaching out to him until he listens."

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PACKING

June 5

Dan sat with Sam amidst the clutter of half-filled boxes in the living room of his apartment. They clinked beer bottles and drank.

"So the job offer was really that good? I'm impressed."

"I was surprised too, Sam. You must really have told some whoppers about me in your letter," Dan said with a laugh.

"I'll be making almost 30% more than I was, plus there's the mortgage allowance if I find a place to buy out there. But for now I'm just going to rent an apartment, until I get to know the area."

They talked some more about the job, the technical challenges of the work Dan would be doing, and all the ways in which life in San Diego would differ from that in northern Ohio.

"I'm going to miss you, Sam," Dan said seriously. "I couldn't have had a better friend, let alone boss. Thank you for helping me so much during the past few months."

"Well, now I wish I hadn't written such a great letter," Sam responded with a smile. "I can get by without you at work, but losing my best friend is another matter."

"You just have to promise to come visit. The weather is incredible, and the beaches are absolutely beautiful. I've never seen so many well-filled bikinis in all my life."

There was silence, as they each dug into the pizza. Then Sam said, seriously, "and what about Susan? Are you sure it's over?"

"Last time I saw her, Sam, in a therapy session, she really ripped me a new one. I'd been so cruel, I abandoned her, I was asking her to humiliate herself. I just don't need to hear any more of that shit." Dan's eyes were hard as he gazed out the window.

"Have you spoken to her since then?"

"No. I went back to the house the other day to pack up the things I'd left behind when I moved here. But I picked a time when I knew she'd be at work. I was in and out in three hours."

"And hasn't she been calling you? She's spoken to me twice, Dan, asking me to let you know she wants to talk to you."

Dan sighed. "Yeah, Sam, she's been calling me. But what's the point? She's the one who screwed around on me, and now I'M supposed to be apologizing to her?

"I'll be honest with you—I haven't stopped loving her. But if she can't love me enough to understand what she's put me through, then..."

Sam sat a moment. Finally he said, carefully, "Dan, I would never say anything to you except out of friendship. I hope we will always be friends, and that my giving you my two cents now won't piss you off.

"But I think you need to talk it out with Susan before you leave. It sounds like there's still a lot of unfinished business between you."

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At 9 pm, as Dan was using strapping tape to close up some of the boxes, his doorbell rang. To his surprise, standing in front of him in the hallway was Dr. Branden.

"Hello, Dan. I hope you won't mind my barging in for a few minutes. You haven't returned my calls, and I know you haven't returned Susan's either."

"That's all right, Dr. Branden—please come in." He ushered her to the couch.

"Pardon the mess, as you can see I'm in the middle of packing."