Live From the Game

I don't normally do this – add to a story when it's done. I prefer to write, finish something and let it stand on it's own merits. But I honestly felt that I left part of this story undone. The end confrontation with Deanna just didn't have in it all it should have. Rather than editing what is there, I'm going to add this and see if covers what I think it should.

It's a risk, doing this, because there are going to be those who think the story was perfect the way it was, and those who really want to see this side of the story. I can't really win, so I'm doing this mainly because _I_ think I screwed up and missed an opportunity. This was written over one day, once I had decided I needed to do it, it just flew onto the keyboard.

There will be more from Deanna and Ryan. I'm not done with their story, even though I thought I was. While writing this, I came up with something I've not seen done before on Lit, and I'm going to give it a try. But don't expect it till sometime later – I have Ingrams stories to finish first!

Happy New Year Lit Erotica!

Chapter 5 – Deanna

The man finished fussing with the microphone, touching it and going "check check check" in that irritating way that people do when fussing with sound equipment. There was a camera on a tripod next to his chair, facing the chair the woman was sitting in. Eventually he seemed satisfied and took the headphones off, went back to his easy chair and sat down.

"OK, Deanna, we are set up. Again, for the record, are you absolutely sure about this? I stand by my assertion that this may be too soon. That some of the behaviors and your responses to it may not be as considered or...obvious to you, as you may want them to be."

"I'm fine with this. I need to do this. It's knawing away at me Jim. I can't sleep at night for not talking to Ryan, not getting to tell him what happened, why, how I feel – not getting him to understand how much I love and need him. You know from the discussions we've already had how this is destroying me. I've got to

do

something, or I'll go insane."

The older, balding man in the checked shirt and threadbare cardigan sitting opposite her smiled gently. "Yes, Ryan mentioned how strong willed you can be – how you can fixate on something to almost the exclusion of all else. I wonder if that isn't part of your problem, Deanna."

Deanna's eyes flashed at the man she called Jim and she said, tightly, "Look, this is going to be hard enough ok? While we've talked about this stuff here, me going over all of it in one go. It's going to be humiliating enough without you throwing half baked diagnoses at me."

Jim swallowed, thought about his response and then said, "Yes, you are quite right Deanna. I'm sorry – this is going to be hard for you. But to be clear, when you first came in here, you told me you wanted me to be honest and clear and never sugar coat my responses to you. You said you wanted honesty. That's what I'm giving you. And secondly, while this is hard and humiliating for you, you don't have to do it. This is your choice and you are doing it before I would have said it was going to be accurate. So lets not indulge in an orgy of self pity when you are doing something

you

feel you need to do."

There was just a hard edge to his even delivery, and Deanna stared at him for a moment – the tension between them palpable. Jim swallowed again, wondering if he'd just pushed too hard or not.

After a second, Deanna relaxed and said, "Yes, ok, fair point. I guess you are right. Sorry."

"No need to be sorry Deanna. You are a smart woman and you can see these things too – I think it's just the situation and what you are about to do. Bearing your soul is hard for anyone – when it's something you are deeply ashamed of, well, anyone would be a little...squeamish."

Jim chose his words with care. Deanna could be very prickly and required just the right blend of sharp and soft to get her to actually face up to her own issues. He'd concluded over the past ten weeks of sessions with her that she was definitely smarter than the average person, but at the level of smart where she was extremely good at justifying her own bad behavior, and making it someone else's fault. She wasn't at the smart level which allowed her to actually view her own behavior from someone else's point of view, with their filters in place. She could still only see what she'd done from the inside out, not the outside in, and she'd done a great job putting a lot of filters in place to justify her emotions and her reactions to the point where she was 'reasonable' and everyone else was not.

Ryan, her husband, had been helpful in that regard. Jim had seen him three times, on his own, and the history and his stories and his reactions had given Jim a lot of background to tackle some of what Deanna had shared with him.

When she'd first come in, while she'd ostensibly been looking to find the reasoning for what she'd done to her husband and family, what she'd actually been looking for was justification that what she'd done was not as bad as she feared it was. She was having real trouble with how society and Ryan viewed what she'd done, versus her own internal dialog and justifications – what she really wanted was for a professional to back up those internal justifications, and he just wasn't about to do that. It had taken eight weeks before he'd finally broken the wall of her own filters to show her what she'd done, how she'd destroyed the man she loved and the marriage she loved. How her own justifications where just that, high level reasoning to basically allow her to do whatever she wanted and to hell with the consequences.

"How do you want to do this Deanna? Do you just want to...spill, or do you want me to guide, or ask questions?"

"Err... both I guess. Let me just start out, giving history, and then you can jump in where you think it's appropriate."

"Ok, and to be clear, what are your aims here? What do you want to accomplish with this message to Ryan?"

"I need him to know what happened. I need him to know the progress we've made. I need him to know everything. Whatever decisions he makes over the long term, he needs to have all the facts, however nasty they may be. I can't bear the fact that he's hurting and he doesn't even know why. I think he at least should know everything, where my mind is at now, and then move on from there. I owe him at least that. Well, I owe him a hell of a lot more than that, but this is all I can do. He won't speak to me, and I don't honestly blame him, but I have to do

something

."

"Right, so a clean breast of it, both in terms of history and your emotive state now? Is that it?"

"Yes."

"Ok then. In your own time Deanna."

Jim sat back and looked at his watch, idly wondering how long she'd spend on this. Deanna was dead set on doing this and he hadn't been able to dissuade her. He was firmly of the opinion that if Ryan actually watched this – and it was 50/50 that he actually would – it might do her position with him more harm than good. Ryan was, from what he could tell, in a very fragile emotional state. Anytime the kids came up, he almost lost it. The strain of what he'd been through, where he was at, it was adding up. Even though Ryan was doing the best job possible of trying to move forward, he was evidently heading for his own personal fall and this probably wasn't going to help. But she wouldn't be persuaded otherwise, so here they were. At least he would be able to keep her on topic and try and gloss over some of the parts that were really going to hurt.

Deanna took a deep breath. She'd been rehearsing this in her head for days, and now it was here. She was nervous, but determined.

"OK, well, lets go chronologically. I met Jordan at his loft down town about five months ago. It was another standard staging job – a two bedroomed loft that, honestly looked like a jocks dorm room. All baseball pennants on the walls and glossy black furniture. I'd seen apartments like it before – usually in divorced guys. It was obvious what I needed to do, and Crystal and I knew I could do it. I made an appointment with Jordan to do a once through, and honestly, it was just sparks at first sight. I don't know why – I guess there are just people out there with the combination of looks, first impression and raw...whatever it is, that can do it for you. Ryan did the same for me, the first time I met him. Crystal was there, and I did my best to just not be alone or touch this guy – we were as business like as we could be. When we were done, Crystal and I drove back to the offices in Schaumburg and she was like a giggling school girl, and to be honest, I think I probably was too.

"She said to me, 'Wow. A cutie. He couldn't take his eyes off you, you know.' I just blushed and she looked over at me and laughed and said, "Oh man, Super Mom is in L.O.V.E. What will you tell Ryan? New Toyboy, story at ten!' I said something like 'Shut up Crystal', I dunno. Either way, she'd seen it too, so it wasn't just me.

"Anyway, we had to do the actual staging, and I made arrangements for that to happen. Crystal was supposed to be with me, and normally when I do it, I just have access to the apartment by myself. However, when I got there, he was there. Crystal had begged off at the last minute – I think she was off fucking one her clients."

"Can I interrupt there Deanna. Can we explore that just briefly? You say Crystal was off fucking a client. What did you understand about her life?"

"Oh she was a whore. I mean there's no other word for it. She loved sex. She loved the thrill of the chase, whether it was a man chasing her or her chasing a man. She loved the illicitness of it, and she was not above using it to get better deals. It wasn't like she was a company whore or anything – it just she used her sexuality. She just viewed it as a huge joke. I mean, to be honest, I admired the way she was able to keep her love for Charlie – her husband – entirely separate from what she was doing at work. It was also amazing how she could turn the sex appeal on an off at will. She could talk to two guys, one it would be total friendship and genuine interest in a purely platonic way, and with the next guy, she was just oozing sexuality and flirtation. It was amazing to watch – so completely different from the person I am. I mean, you

have

to be a pretty together person to be able to do that, right?"

"Well, we aren't here to justify Crystals behavior, Deanna."

"No, I know. I know what she was doing was wrong. But it was...amazing, to watch her get away with it. To navigate life and be so sure of what she was doing. She did get away with it ultimately. Even Ryan didn't bring it crashing down on her. After it all ended for me, we had one heart to heart and she told me she had reconsidered her position and brought up all this stuff about what we'd been doing. I was completely confused to be honest, because it was all the opposite of what she had been doing – and getting away with, quite successfully, I should add. I realized later that Ryan had got to her, and most of what she'd trotted out to me had come from him, but at the time I didn't know that.

"Anyway, the point I was trying to make was that she was doing things I never could or would, and it was...enlightening, being in her company. I didn't approve of it, but it was...titillating. It was so far from my life and all the things I was dealing with."

"Well, we'll revisit that in a bit. Lets get back to the chronology."

"Right. Ok, so the day I go to stage – move in some new furniture, move some of his out into his storage unit in the base of the building – he was there. And I tried. I did. I tried to just get the job done and not respond. But once the job was done, he offered me a beer, I took it, he offered me his cock, and I took that too. We never even kissed each other at that point. He just said, 'You're hot. How about it?' and I was in that bedroom and spread for him in an instant. There was no chase, no silver tongue, nothing. He just asked, and I was there."

"Lets get into that a bit Deanna. Why do you think you did that? Why were you so hot to trot, as the kids say?"

"I...just...I still am not sure. I think I have to give you an idea of my mindset at the time. I mean, it doesn't justify it, but I dunno, perhaps it'll make it more...understand able. I was a soccer mom. And I loved it. I had chosen that, I was happy with the choice. I wouldn't have given up Ryan or the kids or any of it for anything. But... that life is, well there's so much of it, you know? It's all bullshit and minutia. Living in the twenty first century, there are just so many small things to cope with. Making sure there is dinner on the table, dealing with the kids squabbling, listening to yet another fucking episode of Kids Next Door on the TV because the kids love it. Making sure they get to their dentist appointment and that the house appliance warranty is paid. I mean, I chose this life, but it doesn't mean I love every part of it."

Deanna stopped for a moment and took a sip of water from the carafe at her side. She continued.

"It's all like low grade irritation, you know? I know how horrible it sounds. There are lots and lots of great times with the family, and they come at odd times, but a lot of it, the day-to-day, well, it grinds you down. I know Ryan felt that way too, but he handled it differently. There were days when I just wanted to scream. Without the job I had, I'm sure I would have. But we all needed our Third Place – the one thing we have that is just for us. I just didn't have that. I think Ryan did – I don't really know, to be honest. We were in harness together for years, and we knew each other well, but I think both of us got ground down by life with three kids in the twenty first century."

"And you think this is why you were easy pickings?"

"I don't know. Perhaps. It was just a spur of the moment decision. Ryan would never find out, this guy was hot, there were sparks, my life was grinding me down – this is something I would have had. My Third Place, if you will."

"And it didn't cross your mind, the boundary you were crossing? The betrayal you were perpetrating?"

Deanna looked annoyed. "Of course not. Obviously. I wouldn't have done it if I'd been face to face with the consequences, would I?"

Jim acknowledged that it was, perhaps, a silly question. But it was asked to make the point clearly, that Deanna wasn't thinking of home at all. He knew Ryan had said this too, and he needed Ryan to know that Deanna now acknowledged that.

Deanna took another breath and then said, "I know now that this is the root of it. That I should have been talking to Ryan. But I didn't realize at the time, consciously, how ground down I was. I mean, I did, subconsciously, but not at the forefront of my mind. And even if I did, I thought Ryan was as beat down as I was. And saying 'Hey, my life sucks a bit and is missing something' to someone else who is feeling the same way is not the way to get them to come to your rescue. I mean, if I was feeling this way, what was he feeling? How could I expect him to overcome all his own issues and then feed mine? You say to someone else whose life isn't what they thought it should be, 'Hey, my life sucks' and what happens? You just get into a competition on whose life sucks more. Nothing gets resolved.

"And even then, hindsight is 20-20. I didn't realize how the mindset was going to twist my core values at that precise moment. It's hard to head something off at the pass when you don't even know the pass is coming up."

"Well, that's justification again, Deanna."

Her eyes flashed again. "No, it

isn't

. I'm trying to explain my mindset. I'm not saying it was right or ok, just where I was at. I know that jumping into someone else's bed isn't the way to solve that, but at the time...I was looking at Crystal, I was feeling sorry for myself and this opportunity arrived from a great looking younger man, who was obviously interested, I could get away with it and no one would ever know. I thought it might be the Rejuvenate Button for me personally. And if it wasn't, well, again, no one would ever know. I'm just saying – perfect storm of situation."

Jim just pursed his lips and said nothing.

"Right, so we fucked. I mean, there's no other way to put it. He was good. It was good. It wasn't great, but it was, well, it was better than what I'd had recently. This is hard to express. I know I have to, but this is hard. I just know I'm hurting Ryan even more with this, but I've got to be honest.

"Ryan and my sex life was ok. It wasn't that frequent – I know I would have liked it more often, and I'm sure he would too – but when we did, it was good. Earlier in our marriage we tried lots of things but over time, well, you know how it is. When you do get to do it, both of you are tired. While we still did it for each other, the opportunities weren't there very much and the fizzle, well... I dunno. I don't think Jordan was better than Ryan, or had a bigger cock or anything like that. To be really honest, I barely noticed what size it was – it was big enough to stick in me and that was really the important bit at the time. It was just exciting. It was unexpected, it was hot, it was illicit, he wasn't bad; it just rang my bell."

Deanna paused. She was trembling. Jim sat there with a raised eyebrow.

"Seriously, unless there's a like a two inch difference between one cock and another, no woman cares that much Jim. Honestly. He might have been slightly bigger, or slightly smaller, I mean, who cares? It's what you do with it that really counts.

"When it was done, we were both lying there and I didn't feel guilty. I felt like I needed to look at the time, to be back home in time to get the kids from school. It was like...I'd done it, it had happened, now I needed to protect myself from possible fallout. There was almost no guilt, at least not then. I just got up and went to shower, and Jordan started telling jokes. I mean, jokes. I know. It sounds so stupid now, but at the time, it really helped relax me. They were so dumb. I remember one – 'how do you communicate with a fish?' answer – 'drop it a line'. I mean how stupid is that? But it worked. I laughed and I relaxed. When I was done showering, Jordan offered me a bottled water and we talked, and there wasn't all that awkwardness you normally feel after a sexual encounter with someone new, you know? I don't know if that was me or him or what, but it was comfortable. He made me laugh, he didn't try to assert any possessiveness or dictate to me. I was just...there.

"Then I left and went home and the guilt started. What was strange was not that I felt guilty about having sex with someone else – I know the value of what sex is, which is basically nothing. It was more about the fact that I'd met someone I liked and Ryan and the family were nothing to do with it. A completely separate part of my life. I felt like I needed that - something just for me, but I felt hugely conflicted about doing it. Of course, I made the vows that I'd never do it again, like every first time cheater does. And I intended to keep it. Of course, life never goes straight, does it? I thought Ryan would see it, and I tried to stay away from him as much as I could, while still being a loving wife at the same time. Have you ever tried to do that? It's impossible.

"I tried to make up to Ryan that night – cooked him his favorite meal, and while we didn't have sex – there was no way I was going to hand him sloppy seconds, nor could I risk him detecting I'd had sex that day – we did the next night and I can't tell you how relieved I was, in his arms afterwards, that it was still good, and I hadn't ruined my relationship with my husband. I had worried that part of me wanted Jordan more, and that Ryan wouldn't be what I wanted anymore. I was confused, and I needed to know that Ryan WAS still my go to guy. And he was. I really remember lying in his arms, eyes closed, listening to his heartbeat, just thinking about my home, the kids, my life, Ryan and all the reasons I loved it."