Lie Ind Exchange

Like Kind Exchange Part 3

Sandy fought a valiant battle on two fronts being both angry and disappointed in herself. She knew she hadn't purposely sold out her family to have an affair. She hadn't set out to diminish her inhibitions. But she'd actively engaged in behavior that led to both. Her husband was hurt. Her marriage was in danger; if it failed her kids would be impacted tremendously as well. She would never get over the heartbreak and knew Mark wouldn't either.

It was hard putting a smile on for her family when she felt like slapping herself. At least she had an ally. Mark had seen right through her, and God bless him, they were able to talk about it. They were getting along as friends: talking about and sharing their turmoil. They still were partners sharing a terrible secret. They both wanted things to change back to what they had been or at least move in that direction. But it was obvious they both felt she'd failed at a key tenant of being a wife. As lovers they were basically nowhere. They both knew she was available to him, and both knew he wasn't currently interested, which vexed both of them. Sandy was desperate to change their status and Mark probably couldn't function for much longer this way without the kids noticing.

The unfortunate dynamic continued for several weeks. Sandy didn't think Mark would leave her, but the longer it went on the more she questioned it. She was worried and morose. The kids didn't know what had happened but knew their parents were miserable. They also knew they loved each other. One morning after Mark had gone to work there was an awkward silence in the kitchen before the kids went to school. Sandy had been adrift in a sea of worry when she looked up to see her children staring at her.

They looked so sad and so sympathetic. She didn't know what to do.

Their eldest boy was lost too but tried to find a way through the fog, "Mom, I, uh we, uh we know something is wrong. We want to help." His younger sister stood on one side of him with their little brother on the other. They were uniform in their feelings.

Sandy began to cry, "I love you kids!" She held out her arms and they joined in a group hug. She told them while choking off her tears, "We're working through it. I did something stupid. I've disappointed your father most terribly. T-This is MY fault, don't give him any grief. He's doing more than many men would. He won't let you kids down." She added with genuine awe, "He's even doing his best for me. I've been trying to apologize but found out I'd done something even earlier to really disappoint him."

"Mom, can we help?"

"I've been silly and selfish."

"You're not selfish, Mom," all the kids nodded. They hadn't meant to reinforce the silliness angle, they just vehemently disagreed with the selfish label.

"I don't want to air any problems your father and I have, kids. We have true regard for each other. I love him to death, and you see how he looks at me."

They nodded slowly having noticed their father wasn't looking at her the same way.

Sandy sighed, "I HAVE been selfish. When your great grandfather passed, his estate went to your father and his brother. There was either cash or the lake house. Your father wanted the lake house."

"Yeah, Dad talks about it sometimes," the youngest enthused, obviously infected by his father's tales.

"Yes well, I didn't know how much. The point was we had you kids and needed a new place. We could move in the lake house, which was no larger than what we had, or we could take the cash. Your uncle didn't have kids yet, so the lake house went his way."

"Gosh Mom, Uncle Thomas doesn't seem to like the lake house as much as Dad does."

Yes," Sandy admitted, "but he didn't have a house at all and a house on the lake is pretty wonderful. The lake is huge and ... and I had found this house and fell in love with it."

The girl spoke up, "This house is great, Mom." Seeing her mother's reaction, she knew there was a significant problem.

"Well, I selfishly wanted to live and raise you kids here."

The eldest having seen he was in a minefield ventured slowly, "This has been a great house, Mom. It's the neatest looking one in the neighborhood, has one of the largest yards, and is close to everything and everyone."

Sandy nodded morosely. "Yes, that's what I saw, and I already loved this house. But I loved it so much I never realized how much your father loved the lake house. It's as obvious to me now as it should have been then that the lake house was central to how your father saw his future life and who he was a person. But without a hint of disappointment, he gave all that up to make me happy and do well by you kids."

"By us?"

"I was convinced this house was the better and safer choice in which to raise you. It turns out your father completely disagreed. He also disagreed with prioritizing safety to the degree I did. He didn't want you endangered, but too much safety leads to a false world view. He wanted you to be able to wade into difficult situations to diffuse them, not run away expecting someone else to step up. I'll explain it someday."

The boy spoke with quiet confidence, "Don't worry Mom, we know Dad, we get it. He wants us prepared. He's not pushing us to jump motorcycles over buses, he just doesn't want us scared of our shadows or fearful to stand up for ourselves. So why didn't Dad stand up for himself then?"

"Because he loved me so much, and this property and life is what I wanted." Sandy paused, "I was selfish because I wanted what I wanted so much I never saw how important the other choice was to your father. Because I never seriously considered the lake house, I also never saw it as a sacrifice your father was making. It was a MAJOR sacrifice." Sandy looked like she wanted to throw up.

The kids got it except for one major part. "That was a long time ago, Mom. Why is it coming up now?"

Sandy closed her eyes, "Because I did something recently that drove home to your father that I am a selfish person. I'll give you the tip of the iceberg. He's still working like a dog to pay for this place, and the maintenance on it is huge. It's so fancy with such delicate detailing it's even more to maintain than the lake house which was designed from the get-go to stand up to the lake conditions. Both are more expensive than the average house, but this one being so much larger and more ornate takes a lot of money and time. Your father has labored this entire time to keep it something we can be proud of. He's also worked hard to fund your college careers. If you go to in-state schools, he may be able to pay for all of you with minimal extra loans and no debt to you. In this day and age that's virtually unheard of. Your father has been unswerving in his dedication to us."

Sandy looked away for a moment, "My Christmas party was coming up. I'd done some good things last year and was told I was being recognized. So, I was going to a party that was partially in my honor. Your father could take on an extra project for extra pay, but it meant working late that same night. I decided I'd go to my party and got folks to keep you kids overnight. I even gave them money for your food. While your father toiled at work performing duties he didn't enjoy to make more money for us, I spent some of that extra money so I could go to a party without him."

The kids looked at each other at that revelation.

"Worse, that isn't the only time it's happened. For years you guys are out on some adventure having fun, while I'm enjoying my house and life, and your father is off working to pay for our lifestyles, having given up all the hobbies and activities that gave him pleasure." Sandy rubbed her temples.

"I never should have gone to that party!" Now Sandy had to put on the best acting job of her life to minimize her sin while laying its background.

"Kids, I didn't just go to the party: I got drunk, hammered in fact, and did some things that embarrassed us, especially your father. I, ah, did some things that really disrespected him."

Sandy's daughter was worried, her mind going to dark possibilities, "Like w-what, Mom? Dancing on top of tables?" She diluted her fears with the second idea.

Sandy put everything into keeping her composure: this was the misdirection her family needed to not fragment. "Exactly like dancing on tables. Exactly that sort of wanton disregard for my modesty and I singed your father precious and irreplaceable image of me. I acted like there was no one to be embarrassed other than me. So, I disrespected you kids too. I-I didn't mean to, but I did, and no one made me drink that much. I got my recognition; I was everyone's hero. I got a big bonus which I thought would make your father happy and I thought ... no I didn't think, which was EXACTLY the problem."

Sandy was still for a while. "I was out painting the town red while your father continued to slave away for us. I was having a grand time ..." she barely kept from the phrase "having a ball", "... while your father toiled. That was never going to be right. But I also took it way too far."

Sandy paused while lost in terrible memories, "Because I was so drunk, I took a room there to sleep it off. I didn't sober up enough to call your father to tell him I was okay until halfway through the night. He'd come home to an empty house and couldn't get ahold of me. I'd worried him to death, then had to explain while slurring my words that I was still at a party that had ended hours ago." Sandy shook her heads ruefully, "The contrast in our actions that night couldn't be greater."

The kids knew their mother had wronged their father, but not the true terrible extent. She told them, "Your father is not overreacting. He's really shot down over this. Most men would have given me a MUCH worse time about it. However, I've made him question my concern for him - and I'm guilty! I wish I wasn't. It was an accident, but I jumped into the behavior that led to the unacceptable behavior that hurt the man I love. I'm desperate to make him happy again."

The kids hugged her again, telling her, "We believe in you Mom."

The kids left for school rooting for their parents to escape the tarpit they were mired in. The boys seemed to think their parents would make it eventually. Their daughter was chilled to the bone. She prayed her mother hadn't done more than she said, though she couldn't help thinking her mother wouldn't be this worried if the extent of her crime was showing a little leg dancing on a tabletop.

Sandy watched the kids leave. She had to hurry to work herself. She thought her entire commute. She wished fervently she hadn't been with another man. She wished she hadn't gotten that drunk. She was unsettled. If she'd toned down her drinking and escaped her adultery, she would still be in the dark about how unsatisfied her husband was with his lot in life. The adultery was awful, but so was her blindness to her husband's misery. Breaking Mark's heart to gain her education wasn't right either.

Just as Sandy convinced herself she couldn't do anything right concerning her husband, she pondered her confession. If she didn't confess, Mark would have figured out what happened that night from her altered behavior. Being caught keeping it from him would have completely fried his belief in her. Her blatant honesty was probably the only reason he was trying to keep up the charade of normalcy; making him feel he at least had a partner in keeping the kid's lives normal.

The kids! Her kids weren't very old, but everything was on the table for them to figure out what she'd done. Sandy hoped she'd given them enough answers to satisfy their curiosity. She hoped they'd concentrate on helping the family instead of fixating on what had undermined it. Sandy's family was the most valuable thing in her life. How could she convince them of her loyalty when her actions screamed betrayal? Sandy didn't think her kids felt betrayed, she prayed that with their kid's reinforcement her husband could believe in her again.

Mark's problems were different; deciding whether he wanted to keep this life and this wife. While Mark could rid himself of both, he couldn't keep the life he was living without her. Would he only put up with it to make the kids happy, in effect only delaying execution to a more propitious time?

Could it be that Mark might want to keep her but not the life? That idea clicked, though it needed investigation she was presently too tired to pursue. Having found something to explore she exhaustedly fell back into depression. Sandy had to admit that over time she'd made her husband truly miserable. Sandy began to fear that Mark would be better off with any woman other than her. The fear kept growing.

One night that week after the kids had gone up for the night Sandy caught Mark deep in thought trying to work through his problems. Leaving her wouldn't require that much energy, so he was exploring any path that could lead them to daylight. She didn't intrude or let him know what she'd seen.

Sandy was spending more time praying herself. She knew what she wanted. She understood Mark knew part of what he wanted. That was their bridge: they were in the same boat, bailing like crazy, desperate for the leaky thing to not sink. They knew where they wanted to go, not caring about what it looked like when they got there; yet having no idea how to make the journey.

They had grown into a strange dynamic: communicating more while simultaneously feeling the tension grow. Midweek Mark was extremely pensive and gloomy. Sandy had stayed nearby yet honored his personal space all evening, following him upstairs when it was time to prepare for sleep. She made sure she was there if he needed to talk. He'd begun to disrobe for his shower when he finally told Sandy, "I think I've found a way to isolate some of the issues I'm dealing with."

"That's great honey! How can I help? How can I be accountable."

"I hoped you felt that way. Do you trust me to do this my way?"

"Absolutely. Who knows what you need better than you? I'm dying to help you, please tell me how."

Still deep in thought, Mark rubbed his chin and said, "Sandy, you didn't have to tell me at all about what happened. You could have said you got drunk and were spending the night. Hell, doing so you could've had another round or two with the guy, and once you were home used being hungover to stay away from me to conceal any clues. I may have never known. Why did you decide to tell me?"

Though extremely flat, Mark's voice didn't sound like a rebuke. Mark expected her to take his question and run with it. But he wasn't going to give her any hints as to the direction he wanted. She had to pass muster based on her instincts.

Having already decided to tell the truth, do her best, and accept his judgement, Sandy took no time to formulate her answer. Seeing Mark's approval she spoke, "No, Mark. I couldn't keep it a secret. We're bonded. I'd done something horrible, I had to tell you. I owed you that, even if you had to throw me away as a result.

"Withholding the information would have been a further disrespect, this time by design; my fall wasn't. I respect you more than anyone. I hated throwing this on you, but not doing it would have been worse. I know it sucks, but having done so much wrong, I had to do right wherever I still could.

Mark nodded like he'd just seen something he recognized.

Sandy interjected, "I hated it when I realized what I'd done. Mark, maybe this will help. In my haze I wasn't doing something with him, I was doing something on my own and he just happened to be integral to getting it done. Nothing about this was my chance to "have him." It was all about me, but I wasn't trying to sneak something for myself: I was on my own in my fog deciding to do something for me; there was no one else to sneak from. In fact, when I came to my senses having done something alone made me desperate to reestablish my dynamic with you.

"Additionally, although it was my own fault, I was in terrible trouble. You were the first person I thought of to help me. You know me the best, you're my best friend, you love me: there's no one in all the world like you to help me! I was desperate, I had to reach you."

"Are there any other reasons, Sandy?" Mark asked with his flat even controlled voice.

"Yes, I was compromised. I trust your judgement more than mine when I'm not compromised, but I needed it more than ever being compromised."

Not knowing he was nodding in approval Mark grunted his understanding. Mark felt another tumbler fall, he finally believed again that Sandy respected him, despite her actions that night. His shoulders sagged like they'd just shrugged off a heavy weight. He ran his hands through his hair breathing hard, "That was a huge obstacle."

Sandy wanted to hug him, but seeing he was still in deep thought this wasn't the time. She didn't think she'd said anything she hadn't before. She knew Mark had to labor long and hard to let anything she said sink in again. She prayed it had this time.

Mark had whittled down the topics that had vexed him. Maddeningly as one was eliminated others grew in intensity giving him no relief from the amount of anxiety he felt. Concentrating on one didn't solve it, so he ping-ponged from one to the next, bombarded from all sides. The respect issue had been a huge one though, with the power to destroy them all on its own. While some of the other issues weren't as potent, they still packed a wallop.

With one of the major troubles dispelled Mark found he could see the remaining ones with greater clarity. Did Sandy find him unappealing? No. She'd been making herself available to him in the extreme. He was the one that didn't find her appealing.

Next was Sandy's inability to help him through his obstacles. She was offering to do just about anything, he just wasn't giving her anything to do. Where Sandy could take action, she had; she'd called him in the middle of the night to tell him there was an emergency and to put a plan together to deal with it.

Did she want to cheat on him? Did she still want to be with him? Both are legitimate questions when a mate cheats. Sandy hadn't planned to cheat; it wasn't something she'd done consciously. If her motivation was unconscious it didn't mix with her actions since. She certainly hadn't planned to conceal her cheating. Her adultery had confronted her as much as it had him. She'd gotten drunk and taken a roll in the hay with an attractive playmate. She'd awakened to absolute horror at what she'd done.

All Sandy's actions after her fall were those of a wife that loved and respected her husband. She even wanted to suffer for her misdeed in desperation to earn the possibility of staying with him. She'd even submitted herself for marital execution, putting Mark's needs ahead of hers. If she'd damaged herself too severely in his eyes, she'd pull up her stakes, leave, and hate herself the rest of her days -- if that's what he needed. She respected him enough to put her happiness and future in his hands.

Mark understood Sandy was sorry as hell to dump this on him. And that the aggrieved party determined how the situation could be fixed. The situation still sucked. Mark wondered how to turn down the wick on heartache. His mate had cheated but hadn't intended to: was there such a thing as a lesser betrayal? He wasn't used to problems like this. He'd always thought adultery was like pregnancy: all or nothing. Finding out absolutes had degrees muddied his mind but didn't dilute his heart. Wasn't finding out it wasn't as bad as it could be, good? Damn it, what was he going to do?

Mark sat down hard on the side of the bed, "It really is all up to me, isn't it? Before and since your drunken adultery, you've done everything right. You're the woman I want, except I'm not sure of things I used to be positive of." He held up his hand, "My mind finally knows I can be as sure of them as ever. I just have to make the knowledge seep through my heart. And I don't know how to do that." He locked eyes with his wife, "But I know it's the truth now."