Lie Ind Exchange

Like Kind Exchange Part 2 of 3

Mark finally regained his own composure after explaining to Sandy how visions of her with another man not only haunted him but interfered with his dealing with the very fact of her infidelity. Horrified Sandy had thrown herself upon Marking clinging to him as if their love depended on it.

Mark unpeeled Sandy from him, letting her stay in his lap.

Sandy nervously searched his eyes. She'd hoped Mark could get past his anger, now she saw that wasn't his largest issue. It scared her to death.

Mark said, "Let's change the subject a little."

"Yes Mark. To what?"

"We have this time to wade through things, so let's wade."

Sandy nodded her head unsure of where Mark was taking them.

"Why did you see me on a ranch in your fantasy of my future?"

Sandy was non plussed, that wasn't a question she expected, "Not a desert ranch, more of a green Montana ranch."

"Are Montana ranches green?"

Sandy was caught short as neither of them had been to Montana. "T-They are in my mind. It was a green ranch in my mind."

Sandy's unsure response made him chuckle. That Mark could chuckle made her thank the heavens.

Sandy got serious. "A vast green ranch was the place I saw you fit. That or..." Sandy froze, "Oh wow," she murmured as an idea crystalized in her mind, "... the lake house."

She saw Mark's expression wipe clean in response. Her eyes opened wide at his display. "Oh no! I didn't think your desire was that strong. I was very aware that you wanted it and I pressed for this place instead. When the matter was decided you'd never said another word about it. Not once. I thought maybe it hadn't meant that much to you." Sandy's lungs felt like they'd gone dry. It was an odd unpleasant sensation.

Sandy was stunned by the ideas flooding in. She blurted, "Mark, all your desires revolved around your grandfather's lake house. How you wanted to live featured the lake house, didn't it? I never saw that before. How could I have missed that?" She puzzled until saying, "I must have seen it, because it shows up in my natural vision of you. I-I swapped upstate for Montana. Instead of roaming the woods between the lakes I put you on a ranch. I had you racing dirt bikes instead of boating."

Sandy was astounded. "Our problem existed long before I... cheated on you. You had lived the life you wanted summers growing up. You worked towards regaining and keeping that life. We were looking for a house when your grandfather passed. I wanted this house, and you wanted your grandfather's place on the lake. Instead of the lake house you took the money in your grandfather's will and let your brother have the house. You did that to finance the higher price of this larger older Victorian because you knew I loved it." Sandy nodded as if watching a movie unfold in her head. Her voice fell to a whisper, "I pushed for this house. At some point I must have seen a glimpse of how much you wanted the cottage on the water. Enough so that I moved my fantasy thoughts of you half a continent away to Montana to keep them safe. But I never addressed it with you directly."

Sandy's eyes went huge with recognition. She explained, "I was always scared of big bodies of water. I think I wanted to push that possibility away, instead I pushed your dream away without even addressing it.

"Dear Lord, Mark. I don't hate that house or the lake. I was scared to death of drowning as a small child. I don't know why, irrational fears are irrational, dammit. I was trying to evade an anxiety attack, not bury your dreams because I wanted my own." She shook her head. "My gosh that had to look selfish to you. How could you make that sacrifice and not even hold my feet to the fire?"

Her eyes grew huge again as the facts added up in her head, "I DO respect you. My huge failing wasn't some weird, twisted, thing that hides a growing disrespect. Mark, I was amazed at you in the woods and on the water. I went with you. Please remember I never argued, I didn't even tell you how frightened I was of the water because I was fine if I was with you.

"The prowess you showed around the lake showed me you were a natural outdoorsman. I was very impressed. To answer your question, I put you in Montana because that seemed like the big outdoors to me, and I swapped mountains for water because my mind still shies away from water. I swear I wasn't trying to separate you from the land you loved. Well, the water you loved... the lake you loved?" Sandy said trying to sound out the syntax. It seemed as hopeless as she did. "I'm tripping all over myself."

Sandy shook her head again worried at the conclusions Mark would make when he put the house decision and her infidelity together. "Oh wow, then I go and do what I did at the Christmas party. I-I wasn't looking to score. You're right if you're thinking I wouldn't have fallen for someone who wasn't really attractive to me. But I swear I wasn't trying to get a prize for myself. I was just so polluted I didn't have any discipline. No, it was more; in the seconds it took to decide, I didn't remember any attachment or vow. I just didn't remember them; I didn't purposely negate them. Lord knows, when I woke up, they were front and center, because they are my core, they are the most precious things in my life. I've been so angry and disgusted at myself since."

Sandy looked sickly as she peered directly into her husband's eyes, "But if you already think I denied your dream house to capture my own dream house, why wouldn't you believe I subverted you now to get what I wanted again? I hate to admit it, but the pieces fit when viewed from that angle. You must think I'm the most selfish bitch you ever met."

"The thought had crossed my mind."

Sandy winced, "Your next thoughts would be that I don't look out for you. And that I'm willing to hurt you to attain what I really want. Oh Mark, is that what you've been thinking?" Sandy felt the room begin to sway.

Mark was taking his time thinking over what his wife said. He wasn't trying to underscore her precarious position by not answering, only trying very hard to not become more overwhelmed himself.

Sandy fearing she'd struck a hidden nerve, delved into Mark's history with the lake house, "Hunting in the woods around the lake house was something you loved yet can't do where we are. Everyone has a firearm up there, where they're skittish about them here. The closest thing to sportsmen here are soccer coaches and tennis players. Your outside adventures on the lake have no parallel here. Relaxing on the lake isn't available to you here either. The closest water is a small stream meandering through the local park. Heck, that entire central park is small by your lake standards. Y-You don't really relax here, do you?"

Sandy's hand had reached up to her mouth as she thought it all through. An especially nasty thought made her head twitch sidewards in an abrupt tick. She couldn't believe what she was only now putting together, "Y-You watch what you say because you aren't in sync with the neighbors here. And the house requires so much maintenance you don't relax anyway because you're always working on it. You can walk for fifteen-minutes at the lake and be in true wilderness conditions. The raw acreage where you feel solitude just isn't here."

Agitated, Sandy's fingertips traced back and forth across her bottom lip as she uncovered more, "Maintenance. There's a point there." She practically put her finger in the air stating, "You've said working on a thing you care about is a joy because it's a labor of love. You want to do it to be part of what you love. Maintaining the lake house was a joy to you because it was the life you wanted to live. Maintaining this house is as fulfilling as taking the trash out: it's something you do, because if you don't, conditions will deteriorate further."

Sandy's hand left her lip to palm her forehead as she put more pieces together, "You're a wage salve to own this place, so you don't have time or money to pursue things you enjoy, nor can you let the maintenance slide. You're... chained to this place at work and at home." Sandy was horrified, especially as Mark hadn't corrected any of her conclusions.

Sandy stood woozy. Her lips parted in fear as her eyes gazed into his. "Oh Mark. I had no idea I'd done this to you, not this bad. I knew I'd saddled you with a neighborhood and lifestyle you didn't enjoy, I just didn't realize I'd also taken away the life you wanted. I'd noticed that you didn't enjoy working on this house like you did on your grandfather's place. I thought you liked working on nice real estate. I've never understood the considerable differences until now. I thought your situation was pressure related; that the fun was gone because you HAD to do things now instead of doing them because you wanted to. I also understood that we are mortgage and kid poor, though I hadn't understood the lifestyle you'd given up for those burdens. It's ghastly that I haven't seen any of that until now. You can't help but see the contrasts."

Suddenly Sandy stepped back as if she'd been slapped, "A-And now I've done something else to you, something even worse. And it's taken the lid off what you were already holding inside." She paused again, dismay becoming horror, "I'm so sorry Mark!"

She stopped reasoning the impact these things would have on her beloved husband, "But anger isn't your primary emotion: it's pain and disappointment; in me. Perhaps your choice of me, but definitely me. I was supposed to watch your back, how could I - of all people - do this to you?" She looked up as she followed out the chain. "How could I do this because... I was supposed to love you!"

She shrank back with her hand over her mouth, eyes swollen in terror.

Her hands dropped from her mouth to clutching her throat, "Oh Mark, I do love you. You must see that! Do you think that my love isn't strong enough? That it has holes in it? That's what you must be wrestling with. That's hideous!"

Sandy was clearly sorting through a great number of ideas now. She finally uttered, "How did I put us here?"

Mark felt some relief that Sandy took responsibility for their compromised conditions.

Stunned she took a hold of his forearm, "I was frightened of the water. But you made me comfortable going out on the lake with you. I was a good girlfriend, always there, always a companion. I looked out for you, and wanted to share what you loved. But your wife chose a way of life she never fully discussed with you." Her eyes twitched as if reading a report. "It's not just the house, or the time and money we must devote to it. I admit the people here are pretty priggish. While I don't agree with them completely, it must annoy you that I'm much closer to those beliefs than you'd like me to be. I love this house and that the neighborhood is a quiet and safe place to raise kids."

Sandy looked down, "You wanted adventure because that's how you were raised. Life just isn't safe, isn't that the point? It's not supposed to be or won't be. It's best to be trained on how to weather the bad times instead of ignoring that they're out there. That's your mantra. I've said it over and over while acting in ways you must think contrary. Y-You don't think this is a good place to raise children, do you? Oh Mark. What have I done?"

"Sandy, you were busy too; raising the kids and working when you could."

Sandy reproached herself, "Watching out for everything I loved, except for you. I thought I was doing well by you. I kept a good house, though much less so since the kids. But you've actually disliked this house, while I watched out for the neighbors, our lifestyle here, and the kids. And you're not on board with any of it. You'd have the kids doing vastly different things! Even if we say I neglected you to keep your house and family, you aren't on board with the specific house or how we've raised the kids. Just when I think it can't get worse, I remember that I've been unfaithful!"

Mark's head involuntarily ticked to the side. He answered, "Sandy, any disagreement in how you've raised the kids is nuance. You've done a fabulous job! I've taken them afield; I've trained them up. Perhaps not as much as I would have liked, but enough that the way of life I was given has been passed down."

"But not fully espoused."

"They've been exposed to enough to make their own choices."

Sandy noted the disappointment in his voice. She summed, "And they like way too much of this cozy suburban lifestyle for you." Sandy waved off his attempt to counter saying, "Mark, being honest when looking at it all, you should dump me as fast as you can. I thought I'd done a good job of being your wife and partner but now it looks like I've neglected those duties entirely. It looks like I stole your great girlfriend and saddled you with a nasty shrew of a wife!"

Mark sighed, "You're overwrought. That's the guilt talking. We're trying to cut our way through the thicket here, there will be patches where there isn't much light. But you know I love you."

"But Mark I have no credible way to say I love you back. How didn't I see any of this? Was I so focused on what I wanted, that simply because you never complained I didn't see you never warmed to life here?"

Mark wasn't sure how to answer Sandy on that count.

Sandy took a deep breath, "I didn't see it because I was scared of it. I don't normally shy away from problems, but I would because of my intense feelings for you. I wouldn't be able to bear causing you harm like that. So, I packed up all the romantic notions you engender, and I moved them in my mind to Montana." She shook her head. "You may have made a disastrous mistake choosing your mate, Mark. You don't make big mistakes. I can't tell you how crushing it will be if the biggest mistake you make in your entire life turns out to be me."

"I didn't say that Sandy."

Sandy passionately respeonded, "I didn't realize how much the lake meant to you. I LOVED this house; it was my dream house come true. I've said it before."

"I've taken great pride in helping you attain it, Sandy. That you loved it so much and thought so much of me for getting it for you was my reward."

"No, the price was too high. I didn't realize how high. I would've discussed it more, I would've! Surely, we could have come up with something better than your hardly being back at the lake for years and years." Sandy was blown away. "Mark, I thought we chose one house over a close option. I completely whiffed on you're giving up a dream house and way of life you identified with to... to become an indentured servant slaving away to keep your self-absorbed mistress happy."

Mark tried to redirect the conversation, "My brother has the lake house now and took it in directions I wouldn't."

"Because you want what you remember having. If we'd moved there, it wouldn't have changed," Sandy reasoned.

Mark tried again, "What I remember was a starting point for what I wanted. But my brother changed some of the spirit of the thing."

"Those are only cosmetic changes, Mark."

"Yes, in keeping with the wishes of its owner. I bought into what it was. Now, it's all become... something else."

Sandy felt dizzy again wondering if Mark thought his comment applied to his marriage as well. She probed, "Mark, your brother changed what you loved, just like I did. Parts of your life have been erased. I erased how you wanted to live, not just where you'd live. Now I've erased the image of the woman you gave all that up for, while changing her into a cheating tramp."

"Whoa, whoa. Stop right there," Mark had finally reached a line he wasn't willing to cross.

Sandy was trying hard not to completely lose her composure, "No, I won't! I thought I'd made a one-time mistake. But I-I've cheated you before: I knocked you out of your dream, I altered your self-image."

"No, I see myself the same way."

"But not living as you'd thought."

Mark relented, "Not living as I'd dreamed. But that's a big difference. Who gets to do that anyway?"

"I did - because of you! I just never understood the depth of your sacrifice procuring all that for me. It's unjust all on its own. It takes me down quite a few pegs as a spouse, doesn't it?" Sandy's self disgust grew.

"Sandy, you are my happiness."

"Happiness? You made my dream real by sacrificing your own. Now, on top of all that, I'm unfaithful. You'd think a man who did all that for his spouse could at least count on her fidelity. I've taken away even that lowly baseline. I can see you're as disappointed now as you were then about the fate of your grandfather's place. I've cut your heart out with this slutty stunt I've pulled."

"Sandy please."

"I can hardly imagine how you're living this life I've given you. You want to come home and smell the lake water, feel the pulse of the waves at the shoreline, hear the waves lap at the dock, but you traded them for a gal who cheats on you at a Christmas party. A Christmas party for heaven's sake! What a holiday gift: congratulations, it's a trull! You get a wonderful used woman. That's your thanks, a wife who can't hold her liquor or her legs together. One that goes out for one miserable night and ends up tearing up the sheets with some handsome..."

"STOP! Please God, Sandy, you're ripping me to shreds. You have a gift for making me see your words. Please don't make me see THAT picture!" Mark stood with his hands beside his head as if fending off pressure waves.

Sandy felt like slapping herself, "Oh Darling, I'm just so upset with myself. I'm horrified by what I've done. I've become a villain in my own eyes. To find that the scales of justice are more uneven than I thought, discovering that I've made you pay a price for loving me, and that my misdeeds didn't start last week but years ago, is devastating. I'm completely disgusted with myself."

"Please don't paint yourself as disgusting in my eyes. I don't want to see that!"

Sandy was shocked, "I-I thought you already did." After a second she concluded, "After everything I've done, you're still fighting for me. Oh Mark, I can't tell you how much I love you. Let me kiss you, Mark."

Sandy did, though Mark didn't respond emotionally, though he did on a physical level. Which was unexpected and wonderful. Although Mark seemed upset with his reaction.

Sensing she'd pushed her affection as far as she dared, Sandy got up to dry her face. She fixed her husband another drink too. This one larger. She knew they'd taken a deep dive. Now Mark needed something to cut the sting: pain was outweighing progress.

Sandy stood very close to Mark as she gave him the drink. He didn't move to allow her his lap, so she sat right up against his side.

She nuzzled his ear in a non-seductive comforting way, whispering to him, "I knew you wanted the lake house. I didn't understand how much. The way you've worked and the amount of money you've made, if we didn't have this old house, you could have had the lake house and made the changes you wanted, even with three kids. I have another confession: I was scared of raising kids on a lake. A nice suburban neighborhood seemed safer, if less genuine. Seeing through this new filter now, I'm wondering how much of a disservice I perpetrated on our kids by making that bastard choice."

Sandy sat back caressing his ear, alternately tracing a fingertip through his hair admitting, "I thought there was better hunting in the parks you traveled to anyway than at the lake. Yes, they were a farther drive. I didn't foresee the kids coming as rapidly as they did, so I didn't see expenses tightening to the point you wouldn't take your hunting trips. I didn't factor in the fishing at all, which you used to do from your own pier. I didn't understand the intrinsic value to you of that old lake house. I thought you could still have most of what you wanted, while we did the best for our kids living in suburbia. You dialed up your efforts to give me exactly what I always dreamed of: this old Victorian. It seems I chose my dream over you, while you chose me over yourself.