Lessons Learned

Chapter 1: Fucked Up

It had been a fucked up day at work. My unit had lost a contract that I thought was a done deal. Instead of a big fat bonus, we were now worrying about losing our jobs. All I wanted to do was go home and get a drink. I knew my wife, Sandy, would help me figure out how to salvage this terrible situation. She was always my biggest supporter, bucking me up whenever I had doubts, listening to my problems, and offering the best advice on how to get ahead. We had been in tough situations before and always figured it out together. She said we were a team, and right now, I was glad she was on my side.

I walked into the house, dropped my briefcase by the door, and headed for the kitchen. Instead of the usual routine of cooking dinner, watching television on mute, and taking on the phone all at the same time, I found Sandy sitting at the kitchen counter. The television was off, nothing was on the stove, and her phone was nowhere to be seen. Instead, she had a glass of wine in front of her and a pair of lacy red panties spread out on the counter. When she turned to me, it looked like she had been crying.

"What's the matter, honey?" I moved across the kitchen to hug her, but she held her hand up palm out.

"Stay the fuck away from me."

I froze. What the hell was wrong? I honestly had no idea. Her bottom lip quivered, and I thought she would burst into tears again. Someone must have died, or maybe there was some terrible news event I hadn't heard about yet. The last time I'd seen her this upset was one of the school shootings.

She looked down at the panties in front of her and took a deep breath. Then, in a shaky voice I could barely hear, she said, "I was cleaning out the suitcase from your trip last week before putting it away. These were stuffed in the inside pocket." I just stared at her with my mouth hanging open. "Don't you have anything to say?"

"Oh my god, honey, I have no idea how they got there." I was racking my brain.

Her mood went from hurt to Ice cold anger in a second. "You don't know how they got there. Are you fucking kidding me? Obviously, some woman took her panties off for you, and you decided to keep a trophy."

"No, no, that didn't happen," I almost shouted.

She cocked her head, and a little smile crept across her face, but there was zero warmth in that smile. "Well then, maybe instead of leaving a note when they inspect your bag, TSA has started leaving panties stuffed in the pocket." Fuck, she was mad. "What the hell happened on your last trip?"

"I told you. We worked out the final details of the contract." This was the contract we had just lost. "Everyone was happy, and we all went out to celebrate. I drank a little too much and had the worst hangover flying home the next day."

She looked down at the panties in front of her. "Celebrate, eh? That must have been some celebration."

"No, honey, nothing happened. I swear." I was feeling desperate.

"If you 'honey' me one more time, I will lose it. Who's panties are these?"

"Honestly, I don't know." I was racking my brain, trying to remember what happened.

"Okay, who was at this little 'celebration?'" She put air quotes around celebration.

"Steve, Mike, and Melissa are on my team, along with some of the folks from the company team."

"Do I need to ask Melissa if she is missing a lacey red thong?" There was no quiver in her voice now, just pure cold anger.

"No, hon..." I stopped myself just in time. "No, Melissa and I would never. I would never."

She picked up the panties and waved them at me. "The evidence says otherwise."

Then I stepped right into it. "Honey, why won't you believe me?"

She switched again from ice-cold anger to red-hot rage. "Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? Get out. Get out of my house right now." She stood up and moved toward me, and I stepped backward. I was honestly afraid of her.

Frank, my best friend, emerged from the basement just then. "Hey, hey, what's going on?"

Sandy turned on him. "Get him the fuck out of here. Now."

I was backing out of the kitchen, and Frank moved between us."Okay, okay, he's going. What happened?"

She picked up the panties again and waved them at Frank. "This happened."

Frank stared at the panties with wide eyes. "Fuck."

I couldn't take it. I needed to get out of there. This day had gone from terrible to one of the worst in recorded history in just twenty minutes. I grabbed my keys and left.

Chapter 2: Wins and Losses

Sandy, Frank, and I had known each other since college. We met our freshman year and have been best friends ever since. Except all through college, it was Sally and Frank, Sandy and me, the four of us, until our graduation.

We were in the same group during orientation week. Frank and I couldn't believe our luck when we saw the two hot girls we were teamed up with. Frank said we flipped a coin to see which one we would be paired with. I think I picked the brunette, and he chose the blond. However it happened, it just seemed to be fate. Within a week, I was dating Sandy, the brunette, and he was dating Sally, the blond. From then on, we studied together, partied together, worked together, and vacationed together. In those days, we did everything in the extreme. That included some pretty crazy booze-filled trips to the beach where no one wore clothes, and we fucked like rabbits all together. Except we always stuck to the Bro-Code with our partners. There was no swapping. Still, Sandy and I watched Frank and Sally have sex in every way imaginable, and they had watched us.

By the end of four years, it was clear that I would marry Sandy, and Frank would marry Sally. The girls had the whole thing planned: a big double wedding with everyone being each other's best man or bridesmaid.

Then the graduation party happened. The four of us had an off-campus house together, and we invited nearly the entire class to a last big blowout party. We started in the afternoon, and by night, everyone was pretty wasted. I'm still not sure what happened. What I remember is waking up naked in my bed with Sally, who was also naked, and both Frank and Sandy screaming at us. It was pure chaos.

Frank later told me Sally had always wanted to hook up with me. He said he was sure that if Sandy and I ever broke up, she would have made her move in minutes. Except Sandy and I never broke up. I'm not sure about that, but it seems she didn't wait for something to happen between Sandy and me. She just made her move.

Yes, Sally and I fucked. No, I don't remember it. The upshot is that Frank and Sally split. Within our little group, she was held responsible. Sandy forgave me, but she never forgot.

So Sandy and I got married with Frank as our best man. He joked that he had to be both best man and bridesmaid. Our daughter, Mallory, was born the last year, two years after we were married.

It took over a year for Frank to recover from Sally. Sandy would try to set him up with girls she knew, but it never worked out, so the three of us hung out together. Then Frank met Anne. She was somebody he worked with, and Frank seemed smitten. All of us tried to be a group again and make it work, but Sandy and I never felt Anne fit in, and we weren't sure she was right for Frank. Honestly, it would be hard for anyone to break into our tight little knot, but we said nothing. They were married within a year and split a year later. The worst part is that Anne caught Frank cheating on her. When I say caught, I mean naked in bed, balls deep in someone they both worked with, which is why Frank has been living in our basement for the past two months.

I had retreated to O'Malley's, our local pub. I needed to figure this out and decided to call Melissa. I knew Steve and Mike were pissed about losing the contract, and I wasn't sure they didn't hold me somehow responsible. Melissa was probably pissed too, but I thought she might be the most reasonable. So I called her.

"What?" was how she answered the phone. Okay, this was not going to be easy.

"I'm trying to figure out why the contract tanked. I thought you might have some ideas."

"You mean besides you fucking the account manager for the company? You were trying to figure out what else could have gone wrong." Yep, she was pissed too.

"What? I didn't fuck the account manager. What are you talking about?"

"Dave, we all saw the two of you leave the bar together and stagger to the hotel elevator, giggling. The three of us hoped you weren't doing what we thought you were doing. Stupidly, we didn't stop you."

"Fuck. I swear, nothing happened."

"Tell it to the judge." She hung up. This was bad. This was really bad. I ordered another drink.

Chapter 3: The Proposal

That is how Frank found me when he walked into the pub. He sat on the bar stool next to me, waving off the bartender and not looking at me. "What the fuck happened?" I filled him in with the best information I could piece together, telling him about work today, the conversation with Melissa, and what happened at home with Sandy. He was quiet for a long time, just nodding his head. "Did you fuck the account manager?"

"No, I woke up in bed alone in my clothes. Well, most of my clothes. My jacket, shirt, and shoes were off, but my pants were still on. I figured either I had found my room or Mike had brought me back to the room. I swear, nothing happened."

"You're still fucked, man. In fact, it sounds like you're doubly fucked. You could lose your job and your wife." I waved for the bartender, but he stopped me. "No more. You've had enough. I'd say you've had your last drink."

I stared at him. "What are you talking about?"

"You can't drink your way out of this." He had been sober since he left Anne.

I glared at him. "What are you doing here?"

"Sandy sent me here with a proposal. Take it or leave it, she said. You're not going to like it."

"Is it going to make this day any worse?"

"From now on, you sleep in the basement."

"What about you? We can't both sleep down there." The basement guest room was a little cubby hole, really a big closet. That is what we used it for until Frank moved in.

"She is moving me into your room with her."

"What? What the hell?"

"She said that if you don't go for it, we can both move out. She is done."

"That is fucking crazy."

"I know it is. You got a better deal?" Damn, I needed a drink. "Listen, we are both fuck ups," Frank said. "We can go off and be fuck ups together, we can go off and be fuck ups separately, or we can work this out with Sandy and at least try to save your marriage."

"You're going to save my marriage by sleeping with my wife?" I was pissed. "I don't believe it, but you made this day even worse."

"I'm not going to sleep with her. I'm pretty sure she is as mad at me as she is at you right now."

"You actually did sleep with your colleague. I'm innocent here," I whined. It sounded pathetic even to me.

"What did Melissa say? 'Tell it to the judge.' Listen to me. Sandy is the best thing in your life. She is the best thing in both our lives. You don't want to lose her, and I don't want to lose either of you. She just needs some time to cool off. If we are both out of the house, she will figure out she is better off without us. If we are in the house, we can figure out how to make this work, and maybe you can make your case. It seems to me this is your best chance, maybe your only chance, to save your marriage. If anything, do it for Mallory."

I put my head in my hands and slumped against the bar. This was so fucked up.

Frank ordered us both the Irish stew and soda water. O'Malley's has the world's best Irish stew. I could barely eat it, and the soda water tasted like battery acid. Not that I've ever drunk battery acid, but you get the idea.

"We need to make a plan," Frank said. "First of all, neither of us can do anything to piss Sandy off any more than she already is. You've got to agree to do everything thing she says." Frank was woofing his stew down.

"Fuck this," I grumbled to myself.

"And you've got to lose the attitude. She is looking for any excuse to toss both of us out on our asses. I'm serious. I've never seen her so pissed, not even when you fucked Sally." Frank hadn't forgotten either.

This was so unfair. We should have gotten the contract. The three of us should be celebrating right now. Hell, I should be buying drinks for the whole bar. Instead, I was sipping soda water with Frank, who would be sleeping with my wife, while I was sleeping in the basement.

"Are you listening to me?" Frank was staring at me like I was a stupid kid. "Have you heard a word I just said?" Now, he sounded like Sandy.

"Yeah, yeah, make a plan, lose the attitude. I heard you." I ate another spoonful of stew.

"I said, you've got to trust me. I'm not going to sleep with Sandy. We've got to stick to the Bro-Code. She will mess with us, but we can't let her spit us up. We're in this together, and the only way we can get out of this is together."

"So what's the plan?" I didn't like anything he said so far, except that he wasn't sleeping with Sandy. I wasn't entirely sure he meant that.

"We have to find out what she wants. What price is she going to demand? Then we'll know how you can win her back. If she says anything to one of us, we need to tell the other one. No secrets. Two heads are better than one." Frank loved using cliches because he didn't have to think of smart things to say.

"That doesn't seem like much of a plan." I was highly doubtful this would work.

"You got a better idea?"

The sad fact was that I didn't have a better idea. "So what now?"

"Well, if you agree with her proposal, then I can bring your sorry ass home. Otherwise, you can sleep in the dumpsters out behind O'Malley's 'cause I'll bet she has frozen your credit cards by now." Frank was speaking from experience. Anne had frozen his credit cards before he was out of the driveway. He just got some of his accounts back last week.

So home we went.

Chapter 4: The Terms

Standing outside my front door, Frank said one last time, "Remember, do everything she says. Don't argue."

"Yeah, yeah," I grumbled.

"And for fucks sake, lose the attitude."

I put my key in the door and turned. The whole house seemed dark. I wasn't even sure Sandy was here. Maybe she took the baby and left, which is why when I turned the light on, she scared the shit out of me. She was sitting in the middle of the living room in one of the high-backed dining room chairs from around the table. She was wearing a black turtleneck, her black leggings, and little black ballet slippers. Whenever she wore this outfit in the past, I told her she looked like Catwoman. I wondered if she wore it now for deadly effect.

I started to say something, I don't know what, and she held a finger up. "Not one fucking word. Don't say one fucking word." Frank and I stood there, looking at her like teenagers caught sneaking in after curfew. "I assume since Frank brought you home, you have agreed to my proposal." Again, I started to speak but Frank glared at me, and I shut up. "First, I called Steve to find out what happened on the trip last week. He told me you lost the contract. He said you are a dickhead and that you fucked the account manager for the company you were contracting with. He thinks you'll be fired, and he is hoping to save his job and the jobs for the rest of the team. He said he hopes he never has to see you again." She stopped to let all that sink in.

Frank and I just stood there. "So now we know who's undies you snitched." I bit my tongue to keep from protesting. "I'm inclined to kick both of your asses out of here, but you have a baby, and she has done nothing wrong. She deserves to have a father, no matter how much of an asshole he is." Sandy's parents had split when she was young, and we swore we would never do that to a kid. "Remember how I told you that if you ever cheated on me, I would kill you? It turns out that murder is illegal in this state, so you're lucky."

With that, she stood up and slowly approached us until she was standing as close as a foot in front of us.

"Both of you are lying, cheating pieces of shit who think with your dicks. If not now, then in the past, so it doesn't matter. Furthermore, you are irresponsible drunkards that fuck up more times than should ever be accepted. The time has come to pay the piper.

"You're here, which means you've accepted my proposal to sleep in the basement while Frank sleeps in our room with me. Now, here are my terms, which are non-negotiable. If either of you breaks any of these rules, the deal is off, and you will both find yourselves on the street immediately. If you protest, I'll fucking call the cops on you."

Frank and I just stared at her. This was a Sandy neither of us had ever seen. I was worried that if I flinched, lasers were going to shoot out of her eyes and fry both of us. Catwoman would have been a pussy cat compared with Sandy just then.

"Rule 1: Both of you only speak when spoken to and only to answer the question or explain yourselves. I don't care what you are thinking, what you are feeling, what you want, or what you don't want. I don't give a shit, and I don't want to hear it. Furthermore, since I am the only one talking here, you won't be talking to each other. If I find the two of you in a room together without me, I will assume you have been talking, and the deal is off. I don't want to hear one peep from either of you, or there will be punishments.

"Rule 2: If I ask either of you a question and you are required to talk, I expect a short, honest answer followed by Ma'am. If I discover you have been lying to me, not telling me the whole story, or deceiving me in any way, you will have broken the rule, and out you go.

"Rule 3: If I tell you to do something, I expect you to eagerly and happily do it, no questions asked. If, for some reason, one of you Pea Brains doesn't understand what I'm telling you, you will hold up your index finger, and I will explain it again in simpler language that any child could understand." She demonstrated by holding her right index finger in front of her face. "If you can not complete the task for some reason or think it could be done another way, you will hold up two fingers like this." She held up the first two fingers on her right hand in the shape of a V. "You will wait for me to ask you to explain. If I think you are being stupid, there will be punishments. I will prepare a to-do list for both of you, and I expect both of you to complete the tasks in a timely manner. The deal is off if I think either of you are slacking off or sabotaging me.

"Rule 4: Both of you have lost all privileges. That means no television, no computers, no tablets, and no phones. You won't watch news, movies or sports. You won't play video games or use social media of any kind. I will prepare a reading list for both of you and if you have any downtime, you can read a book. This will be an easy rule because the only phone, tablet, and computer in the house will be mine and locked to both of you. However, if you figure out how to break the rule, the consequences are the same. The deal is off and out you go.

"Rule 5: Clothes are denied both of you inside the house. That means I expect both of you to strip completely naked upon entering the house. If for some reason you need to leave the house I will give you clothes to wear. There will be punishments for any failure to follow the rule.

"Rule 6: Tomorrow, we will switch all accounts to my name. Neither of you will have access to money that I don't control. I will expect both of you to contribute around here." She glared at me. "That means, Shithead, if you lose your job over this little clusterfuck, you will get another job immediately. I don't care if it is digging ditches or flipping burgers. Then, we will figure out how to get you a real job.