Les Hommes

Roger says, "Well, see Bill, It's a little more complicated than that. I mean, she's kind of in, that's for sure, it's what they both told me. But right now she's what they call a 'provisional member'. You know what that means, right? The word 'provisional'? Good. What it does is gives her certain rights but not totally everything, not like she can walk in the front door of the club and order a cheeseburger. See there's a process."

"Provisional?"

"Yes."

"What's that mean? Like half in?"

"I guess you could look at it that way."

"Well, I'll put an end to that." It was time to finish this nonsense once and for all.

"You can try."

I didn't care for the way he said it, not one bit, but I had to keep digging. "And what's this process BS all about?"

"Well, to be frank, which I believe is always best..."

"Roger!"

"Yes, a process. And the thing is it goes right through you."

"Me? What the fuck does it have to do with me? I mean other than these guys want to bang my wife."

"Ummm...I wouldn't put it that way. Most of them don't even know Anna or you yet."

"Then what...?"

"They're just giving you a chance, an opportunity."

"A chance at what? What are we talking about here?"

"Well, monsieur. I told you. Comprennez-vous? It's a couple's club. Only couples get admitted. I don't mean the guys. They have separate rules for that, I mean people like you and I..."

"You and me." Thank you Anna.

"Exactly, guys like us, we have to come in as part of a couple. See? And that's how it goes through you."

"Couples only?"

"Right-O."

This was the loophole I needed. Clutching at straw? Sure, why wouldn't I?

"Couples? Good. So if we're not in together then she's not in?"

"Correct. But I hope you two give it a try. Claire says..."

"Why on earth would I want to do that?" I snorted and gave him my laser stare. This poor deluded numbskull.

"Don't you see Billy-boy? Isn't this what Anna talked to you about last night? Claire told me that she..."

"She never mentioned a club for black guys who want to fuck her, no. Maybe it slipped her mind." As I might have mentioned already, Roger doesn't seem to process sarcasm, takes everything literally.

"Having memory issues is she? I'm sure it's just temporary."

"Not my point Roger."

"But Billy, that's really not what I meant at all. I mean she talked to you about feeling guilty for lying. Right?"

"She did."

"And that is the point, the whole point of the club, at least for us couples. Honesty. You join up, see? Everything above board. No more lying. Not her, not you, not no one. It's all out in the open. Case closed."

He does that thing where you clap your palms rhythmically to clean off the dirt and dust. Job done. Mission accomplished. He sits there beaming like he just pulled a trump card. The idiot.

"Honesty, huh?"

"Exactement, monsieur."

"Or, you could look at it like this," says I, locking on his eyes with a steely fierceness.

"What's that?" He looks confused.

"Step one: I refuse to join the pervert club."

"But..."

"Step two: then Anna doesn't get in."

"But listen..."

"Step three: she doesn't get fucked by these guys to begin with."

"Yes, but..."

"And step four: there's no more lying that way either." Now it's my turn to clap my hands clean, a job well done.

Roger looks nervous, like this thing is getting away from him.

"Ummm, yeah. I take your point, which is quite an interesting one, but I see now that I messed up a little. See the thing is Anna has committed. The club made her provisional but she has committed."

"I thought you just told me it was up to me?"

"The part about joining the club? It is. That is completely up to you at this point."

"Well, what part isn't up to me?" I have a sinking feeling that there's some answer to this.

He leans in close, conspiratorial like, and says, "It's like this my friend. Anna committed and when the club made her a provisional it booked her a sort of what you might call something like more or less a date with one of the guys, Claire thinks it's probably Jevon, although we're not certain. I think they take turns but they don't like to tell us in advance, keep everyone guessing, which can be a real pain at times. Even Claire says that..."

"A date?"

"Yeah, sort of. One of the guys. Like three weeks from tomorrow."

"My wife has a date with one of these guys in three weeks?"

"From tomorrow, yes. Which is good, gives us all time."

"Time for what?"

"For the process."

"All right, forget that. An actual date?"

"Yessir."

"You're saying Anna committed to this?"

"Yessir."

"You're kidding me, right?"

"No sir."

"My wife agreed to this?"

"Yessir."

"Really, really committed?"

"Bill! Are you listening at all? How many times do I have to say it? That's exactly what I've been trying to tell you!"

"But..."

"Please Billy! For your own sake, try to keep up. This is hard enough without your attention wandering."

"I wasn't..."

"See, Anna more or less had to commit, I mean to get provisional, but from what the two girls told me she definitely wants it too, thinks it will be fun, something different, a bit of excitement, you know? So they booked it, like I said three weeks out."

"And what is this 'sort of a date' bullshit anyway? What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, on the date, let's just call it that for now, Jevon, or whoever it is, I heard one guy say it might be Thomas, they're both great but I hope it's Jevon, and whomever, whoever it is, I can never remember which is correct, is going to pick her up at your place and like take her out to dinner or something."

"You're telling me you want my wife to go on a fuck-date with my permission?"

Roger gives me a pained expression and drops back into the vernacular. "Whoa dude! You're talking like this is up to me, like I made the plan. Don't shoot the messenger."

"Ok, sorry, sorry. I know that. But it is a fuck-date, right? You are saying that, right?"

"Oh, no. Please! You're not even close. It's nothing crude like that. All classy. All above board, old sport. It'll be a real old-fashioned actual date. Probably a nice dinner, like I said. Anna might get flowers out of it. One of the guys made it an afternoon picnic, that was a big hit too. And another guy did it as a river cruise dinner, you know, the old paddle boats with the waiters and waitresses dressed up like characters from the old South or something. Toot! Toot! That whistle always slays me. That was Amanda I think. Nice, nice girl."

"So you're telling me it's what? A get to know you thing?"

"Exactement! Now you've got it."

"Feeling her out?"

"But not feeling her up, ha ha!"

We paused staring at one another, me waiting for the next shoe to drop. It does.

"They don't fuck till after."

"Oh Jesus. You are saying that, I knew it. Goddamit!"

"Calm yourself Billy-boy."

"They fuck right there and then on the date."

"Bill. Please! You're going a little crazy on me now. Calm down and try to listen. No, not right there and then." He shakes his head sadly at me, like I'm the moron. "That's ridiculous. What? You think they clear the table at the Ritz and he fucks her on it after the dessert course? Don't be an idiot."

"I'm not saying that..."

"No, he probably brings her back to his place. Most of the guys have these private places in the city. Or he could just get a room at the hotel, someplace nice like the Ritz. I know that's how Franco did it with Claire on her first date, but that was different Claire and I were already in the club by then. So who knows?"

I saw a glimmer of hope in that, another loophole, more straw.

"But then they can't fuck. She won't be in the club."

"Sorry dude, doesn't have to be. Jevon, or whomever, can have sexual intercourse with a woman outside the club if he wants. Free country, right? She's kind of a civilian they like to say. Plus Anna committed to it, so definitely more than just any old civilian. And the really great thing? I hope you're finally getting this, and getting it loud and clear..."

"Getting what? Getting more and more pissed is what I'm getting. She..."

Roger stands and cups his hands around his mouth. "Earth to Bill. Earth to Billy. Come in Billy-boy, Alert, ALERT: No one is lying, right? You hear that?"

"Lying? What are you talking about?"

He sits back down with a goofy grin. "Oh, just that your wife knows I'm telling you all this."

"Anna knows?"

"It's part of the process. See? Completely open and honest."

"You mean she put you up to it, telling me all this crap?"

"Well, kind of Anna and Claire together. But yes she definitely knows it's why I invited you down."

Goddam you Anna! Why am I hearing this from Roger? Why would you not trust me to talk it over together? What is happening to me? To us?

I look at him. What a fucking dolt. I mean I love the guy, or did before I heard about the pervert club, but come on.

That's when I felt the first real jolt. Honesty. What was Anna apologizing for last night? Was it for fucking the asshole Farrell? Or not that, but just for lying? What was she promising me? That she wouldn't fuck around again? Or that she wouldn't lie about it. Fuck!

I shake my head and fight back. "If all this is true, and you must know it sounds completely insane, but if it's true and everyone is being so honest then why didn't Anna say anything about it last night? Not the club, not a date. Nothing."

"Oh, that's easy. Because of the process."

"The process. You keep saying that."

"Yeah, you're finally getting it."

"What's it mean? There's some rule?"

"Bingo. See it works like this. Every few years openings for couples come up. They like to keep us at about 14 to 16 couples. Naturally some couples drop out over time for whatever reason, like the girl gets loses interest or wants to start a family, or the husband has to move for work, or there's some family issue. Whatever. Right now we're at 13, and it's never 100% clear that Tom and Cindy are 100% committed, like they're on again, off again and some of the guys are grumbling about it even though Cindy is one of the hottest, not counting my own wife of course, hottest girls...'

"Go on."

"And when there's an opening or two or whatever then one of the couples is assigned a recruitment duty, which in its own way is an honor even though it's not really as easy as the guys make it out to be."

"And the recruiters are..."

"That's right. Me and Claire. I mean just for you guys. Eddie and Linda have a different couple over towards Norwalk, someone name of Smith or Tomlinini or it could be Barnes. Something like that I believe. Is it Christine and Paul? Charlene and Patrick? Cindy and Walter? Pretty sure it's one of those, but please keep this info under your hat monsieur, not sure I should be telling you this. Merci!"

"Roger!"

"Yes, and Nick and Leslie have another couple, but theirs is..."

"Stop! Can you please just tell the part about Anna?"

"Oh, yeah. Of course. The part about you and Anna. Good point. See the way it works is Claire approached Anna like two weeks ago. My wife always said Anna would be a good candidate, told the guys about her too, told them you both would be good candidates."

"What? That I would be too? What would..."

"Claire really likes you too you know, always has."

"Great news, thanks."

But I have to admit his words gave me a jolt. My God but his Claire is delicious. This liking me, I wonder what that means. Did she ever imagine us? Does she now? I mean if she's out there fucking these other guys to begin with. Roger has been a great friend so I would never even consider it. But if Claire thought of me that way that would be... Wait. Focus on Anna, stupid!

Roger keeps going. "Claire said the talk went really smooth...smoothly?... casually did some girl talk, got Anna talking about inmiticy, you know, sex, about a woman's sex needs. Then she hinted around a bit and then eased into how she and I, or is it me?"

"No, it's I"

"Thanks. How she and I are in the club and blah blah blah, how happy we are with it, what it's done for our marriage, and you know the part about there never being any lying, which is key. Imagine two women having a serious conversation like this? Hysterical! I can't imagine how Claire pulls it off. And does Anna want in?"

"Two weeks ago?"

"Something like that. Claire could see your wife getting more and more excited. Then Anna tells Claire right out, yeah that's the problem she had, cause she hadn't been honest with you, you know cause of getting fucked so many times by this guy Farrell a while back."

"Jesus, Roger! Please!"

"So Claire told her this was the opportunity she needed, clear the air, admit how she fornicated, or actually I guess it would be adulteryated, with Farrell, apologize for the lying and get her needs out in the open."

The "fucked so many times" is banging around in my head, making me hot and angry. "Her needs? What the hell do you two know about her needs?"

"Well, we're getting to that, aren't we? Claire says Anna was hooked right away, even told my wife she felt the itch coming on again. At first I thought Claire was talking about a UTI or yeast infection or something, but it turned out not to be that sort of itch. Itch? Down there? Get it? I mean if you know what I mean." He stops, winks. Pauses, winks again. "Do you Bill? Do you know?"

"Yes, I know what you mean," I say sadly.

"Anna kept asking for more details, and got more and more excited. You know? What the guys are like, what the other women are like, what the husbands are like, what happens in the club. Claire told her everything. Smart, rich, sophisticated men, a beautiful setting, fantastic sex, no emotional drain, socializing with nice people, and a loving husband at home. How it will work with her schedule at the new job. Plus, and this was the clincher for Anna, no more fucking around with colleagues like Farrell. Anna knows that's dangerous for her."

"Jesus."

"Yeah, but after that Anna got kind of down because she didn't think you would be open to our sort of club."

I spit out the words, "Well, she sure as hell was right about that."

"Yes, understood, but then Claire tells her there's a way to try it without you, try it but with honesty. And Anna says what? The next thing you know they're dialing the club to book an interview with some of the guys on recruitment. I think that was about ten days ago. From what they tell me the interview went really, really well. So after that Anna has a second interview with the president of the club, that's Julian, you'll like him, and that one went super great too. That's when Anna committed and got named a provisional. That's when they set up her date."

"In three weeks."

"Correct. And which you know about it as of right now. Right? Meaning, Anna can try things out without lying."

"Because I already know..."

"Bingo. You know and she knows that you know, and you know that she knows that you know. And she knows that. Like everyone knows everything. Right? When Anna goes out the door with her man that night you'll know exactly what's going to happen. No silly lies about visiting her mom or her girlfriend in Cincinnati. No hiding behind her job to get fucked by a guy like Farrell. Right?"

It was all so sickening, but ridiculous too, made me want to laugh. Did Anna think I was going to approve the date? Did she think I was going to sit here and just let it happen? Some stranger ringing the doorbell to pick her up for a fuck-date?

Wait. Does she need my approval? I'm sinking here. Roger however seems less nervous now that the bomb has been detonated. He sits there with a placid smile.

I'm bursting with anger and spit out the words, "And you and me? What are we here for? Why the fuck is it you telling me all this?"

"Calm yourself, Billy. It's all good my friend! See, you and I, us fellas, we're the other half of the process. They used to do it, even two years ago when we got in, that the girl, or wife or whatever, did the whole thing together with the new wife. But the problem was the girls would get too emotional or carried away or something and the guy, I mean the new wife's husband or boyfriend or whatever, would end up really confused like what the hell are they talking about. They could tell it was about the wives getting laid, I guess that would jump out at any guy..."

"You think?"

"Yes, but everything beyond that got all fouled up. They had these new guys coming in with like zero clue what they were supposed to do, and how to behave and whatnot. One guy, they said, came in the first time in cutoff jeans and a Notre Dame sweatshirt. Can you imagine? So last year they decided to have the woman do the woman and her husband do the new guy. Which is why we're here. Me doing you. Claire has already done Anna."

Leaving aside the distasteful notion of Roger "doing me," I was finally getting the drift.

I shake my head. "So you're my recruiter?"

"Bingo"

Shake it again. "Recruit me into the pervert club?"

"Well, hold on there big fella, I sure wouldn't put it like that."

Shake and spit it out, "Put it however you want."

"Thank you but I haven't told you yet how I want to put it. You keep interrupting me."

Collapse into the chair. "Fine. Go ahead, recruit me. I'll play along. Tell me what I'm supposed to know."

"Good. We're finally making some progress here."

"Are we?"