"God dammit Peg," I cursed under my breath. "Why?"
I will admit that I saw this coming a mile away and kinda knew the answer, but actually witnessing it was a different matter entirely. Frankly it hurt like hell. And she was gonna cheat with that ass-hat of all people? Seriously? What the hell did he have that I didn't? Apart from being younger than me, good looking, wealthy, athletic, famous, outgoing and allegedly very well hung, he really didn't have much to offer.
At that point I told my inner monologue to shut the fuck up before I punched it in the face.
The core of the matter was that Peggy and I were married and that implied certain vows. If she wanted to do the dirty with other guys she should have asked for a divorce or an open marriage or something. Period. There was no excuse for cheating in my book.
Which was why I was seething with righteous rage as I watched her slip out through a side door in the company of a tall muscular pirate. Yeah I knew the guy - even with his face hidden behind a fake beard there was no mistaking that hulking frame.
Randy "Horse-cock" Mueller.
No doubt about it.
He would have needed to dress like a fucking Mac truck to truly hide his pumped physique.
Peggy's Cat Woman outfit was even less of a disguise, given that she had opted for the slutty Halle Berry version. In my eyes the least sexy incarnation of the famous super villainess, but hands down the most revealing. It was little more than leather pants, a bra and cat ears. Meow.
Before closing the door behind him, Black Beard Randy swept the room with a quick glance to make sure that nobody had noticed their exit. Apparently he was satisfied that they had indeed managed to slither away unnoticed.
He was wrong of course.
But you could hardly blame him. After all he would be watching out for Ben Beauford rather than a deadly Ninja dressed in all black. Besides, Peggy had probably told him that her beloved husband was out of town on business this Halloween.
Obviously she was wrong as well.
As soon as the door closed I went into action and moved to follow the nefarious couple. Except the fucking door was locked. Crap! They were getting away. My sinister Ninja-skills thwarted by a twenty-dollar lock. How embarrassing was that?
Well, if you can't go through, you just have to go around so I started making my way through the building to the front door.
Which proved easier said than done with the main area filled way over capacity with happy and intoxicated people in colourful costumes kicking it to Monster Mash. I barely made it half way across the room before my progress ground to a halt when something red and green and smelling like an exploded brewery grabbed hold of me and pulled me into a hug.
"Who are you and why aren't we busy making out?" slurred a drunk Poison Ivy whose secret identity was local real estate agent Marge Alling.
Not only no, but HELL NO!
"I am death incarnate and because I am married," I growled in my best Christian Bale voice and wriggled myself free from her embrace.
"Ben?" she exclaimed in surprise. "Ben Beauford? But Peg is here with... oh shit on a stick! I'm so sorry... I... shouldn't have said..."
"I was never here Marge," I said looking her straight in the eyes with my most intense Ninja-stare. "You haven't seen me. Please?"
"Eh sure... ok... whatever you say. But Ben?"
"Yes?"
"If Randy doesn't kill you or maim you too seriously, would you like to... you know... hang out later? I'm not wearing any panties under this."
I turned quickly and melted back into the crowd shadow warrior style. No, I wasn't fleeing -- a ninja is totally fearless and never flees - I simply happened to be headed in that direction in a hurry.
No, really.
****
When I finally made it through the crowd to the parking lot I knew that not even the fearsome power of the lethal shadow warrior had been enough. The birds had flown the coop. The empty space where Randy's car had been was like a big neon fuck-you-sign. All I could do was stare out into the moonlit night. Somewhere out there my wife was in the process of annihilating our marriage and I had no fucking clue where the miscreants had gone to consummate their unholy union.
The hidden gps tracker in Peggy's car was about as useful as Lindsay Lohans brain, since they had left in the Horse-cock mobile. I cursed myself for not planting a gps on Randy's car as well.
"Great job," I mumbled to nobody in particular while walking over to my rental. "Maybe I should have gone with a Mike Hammer outfit instead. At least I'd have had a gun to shoot myself with."
****
Lost in the despair of the moment, my mind wandered back to that fateful day when I first got wind of my beloved wife's un-wifely intentions. The day I was rummaging around in the bedroom hunting for a pair of clean socks and happened to overhear Peggy and Hannah gossiping outside in the garden.
"You wouldn't BELIEVE the size of his thing Peg," Hannah said eagerly. "And he can go on for AGES too. I'm telling you, he reduced me to a pool of quivering puddle before he was even half done. It was out of this world."
They both giggled loudly like a pair of idiots. I was just about to poke my head out the window and announce my presence with a loud "Booh!" but what Peggy said next stopped me cold.
"You know," she sighed. "In all seriousness I could really use a good romp like that. Getting reduced to a puddle sounds wonderful."
"But you have Ben. Aren't you two going at it?"
"Of course we are having sex. Just not the kind of mind-blowing puddle'esque sex you're describing. I mean, we have been married for twenty years for crying out loud. It's only natural that some of the passion goes away with the passing of time. I love him dearly and couldn't imagine a better husband. But just once I'd like to..."
"Have an affair," Hannah blurted out. "That's the solution. You need to have an affair Peg."
"Not on your life! Jesus Christ Hannah. You know how jealous Ben gets. He would divorce me on the spot at the very least -- possibly shoot me as well."
"If he were to find out maybe," Hannah replied. "But who says he will? You will just have to make sure that he doesn't, won't you?"
Peggy didn't respond for a few seconds and I was getting my hopes up. But then the Hannah-bitch played her ace.
"Randy wants you Peg. He has asked me about you a couple of times."
"Really?" Peggy said in a way too eager voice.
"Really. He noticed you at the fair and asked me about you. Say the word and I'll hook you up. Come on Peg. Life is short. Live a little..."
That was all I heard because just then two more of her friends showed up and apparently they weren't in on the insanity. I quietly exited the bedroom with my head filled with new thoughts and emotions.
Peggy wanted to cheat? MY Peggy?
Well I certainly wasn't going stop her. Quite the contrary in fact. In my eyes the intention to cheat was sufficient cause for divorce so the only person who could stop Peggy from killing our marriage was Peggy herself.
And I didn't want to live under a cloud of mistrust for years, so I decided to force the issue and supply her with an opportunity. In other words I was going to give her rope enough to hang herself and then see what happened. Either she was faithful or she wasn't, and if she wasn't then I wanted proof as soon as possible.
I shall spare you the trivial details regarding how I installed a spyware tap on Peggy's phone and a gps tracker in her car. Finally - as the piece de resistance - I let her know that I wouldn't be able to attend the annual Halloween party this year because of an urgent out of town business appointment.
The occasion was a deliberate choice on my part. Halloween is the one time of the year when people have a legitimate excuse to walk around in disguise thus making it an ideal event for cheaters to meet without resorting to hotel rooms or deserted areas. As I had expected the two bitches saw this as an opportunity too good to miss and Peg made plans to hook up with Randy at the party.
Needless to add that I had every intention of attending in disguise as well and catch them in the act.
****
And that was the reason why I found myself sitting in a rental car dressed as Kirigi the Fearsome with no fucking idea what to do next. By setting a trap for my wife I had effectively handed her over to Randy, gift-wrapped and ready for use. He was probably banging her right this moment.
Arrrgh!
But always remember Grasshopper - the true power of the shadow warrior isn't his deadly kung-fu or his devastating weapons. It is his ability to think creatively and turn defeat into a crushing victory. And suddenly it struck me: Peggy had an Achilles heel. Her phone.
She may have my efforts stymied by leaving her car behind, but there was no way she'd ever go anywhere without her precious phone. She had her life stored in that thing -- calendar, contacts, e-mail, social networks and a shitload of other stuff. It was on the bedside table when we were having sex, it was with her in the bathroom when she was taking a dump and it was attached to her arm when we were out jogging.
Her little gadget might just turn out to be my greatest ally.
I began with the obvious, I called her. The phone rang through but there was no answer. Not that I had expected any - nobody want to be disturbed while having illicit sex - but at least it verified that her phone was on silent rather than turned off.
Awesome. Clearly the Ninja gods were on my side.
Phase two of my battle strategy involved bringing up the tracking page on my own phone and activate the Find My Phone function. A very useful service if you lose your phone - or if you lose your spouse and happen to know her code and password. Within minutes I was treated to a map, complete with her current location and the surrounding terrain. It was a place I knew well from way back when I was a teenager.
Lovers Point!
I must say that Horse-brain looked like a really classy guy. Rich as fuck yet too cheap to even spring for a hotel room to destroy my marriage in. Instead he had driven Peggy to Lovers Point and was most likely planning to fuck her in the car like some teenager.
Not that I was complaining, mind you. It sure made my task a whole lot easier, since I could catch my cheating wife red-handed without breaking into a hotel or trespassing on private property. Just rip open the car-door, snap a few pictures of Peggy riding his cock and then I'd be on my way to a lawyer.
That's when I suddenly remembered a third way I could use her phone: My installed spyware. I promptly called her number again with an added hash-sign and the activation code. First I heard only beeps and clicks but then the voices of Peggy and Horse-beef emerged from the speaker.
"Oh my God. Hannah wasn't exaggerating. You are huge Randy."
"And it's all for you Sugar buns. Ah yeah... suck it harder... use your tongue... yeah..."
I felt like throwing up in my mouth. Sugar buns? Had he just referred to my wife as Sugar buns?
"Oh you're SO going down Randy!" I sneered. "That was a capital offence right there."
The moans and slurping noises made my warriors blood boil but I had to keep listening.
No, I was NOT peeping on them. I was gathering intel! Ok?
Soon it became clear that Horse-dung felt that a change of lips was in order. He was making a lot of noise maneuvering his bulk into a position to torpedo my marriage, yet to my surprise Peggy began to sound as if she was having second thoughts.
