I am 47 years old. My wife is 39. Katie is as beautiful as she was when we met in the university town where I was teaching. She was 23, I was 31. We married two years later. Ages 33 and 25. The age difference didn't seem to matter in those wonderful years and several more. Apparently, it matters now.
It was about 9:00 on a Monday morning. Katie walked into my den/office and told me we needed to talk, right away. She was wearing the kind of conservative business suit that successful women wear. She was in the businesslike mode that has helped her succeed in leadership roles in both her career and high-profile volunteer roles. She is, indeed, a strong woman, but she has never been a domineering wife. We've worked out a sharing-of-duties structure within our family that has kept things nicely in balance. We have also actively pursued individual interests such as her club-championship-level tennis and my pretty decent golf.
There is, though, a confession I should make before describing that Monday morning conversation. Katie's youthful beauty relates to her commitment to diet and fitness. Me, not so much. Over the years, I've lost some tone and gained a pound or two or twenty. I've been told, several times, that I have a beautiful daughter. But holy shit, who's ready for this?...
She sat down in the leather lounger across from my desk, took a sip from the coffee cup she had brought with her, carefully placed the cup on the lamp table beside her, and turned to meet my eyes.
"I thought you should know that I've scheduled a massage appointment for 7:00 tonight."
My first instinct was to say 'fine, no problem' but then the warning bell rang. What the hell? She makes all kinds of appointments, including massage therapy related to tennis. We've never had a serious morning discussion about any of that. I frowned, quizzically. "Why are you telling me this?"
"The appointment is here"
"Here? Where here?
"In the rec room. He'll bring his own table and supplies."
"He? He, who?"
"Justin."
"Katie, what the hell is going on? Who is Justin? Where did he come from?"
"Jenna and Margo on my league-team use him."
A vision was beginning to form in my head, but I really couldn't believe it was possible. "What kind of massage?"
"Tantric."
My heart was suddenly pounding. I cleared my throat, "Tantric, as in the... the stuff I've seen on porn sites."
She simply nodded. "Quite possibly, but it's a serious form of massage."
"Is he, I mean, trained?"
"Margo and Jenna think so."
We had been talking for less than a minute and my head was already spinning. "Katie, slow down, reset, did you really just walk into my den and tell me some guy will be fondling your tits tonight at 7:00?"
Now I got a half smile, "Among other things."
"Holy shit. Don't you think we should have talked about this?"
"We are talking about this?"
I practically sputtered my, "No, I mean, talked before you..."
She leaned forward, her blue eyes intense. "John, listen to this carefully. I have been 'talking about this' for five years. I've given you every clue I knew how to give that... that, frankly, I need more. So I made this decision on my own while I'm still under 40. I don't feel a need to ask your permission and I don't want to get into a long debate. It starts tonight at 7:00."
I was grimly aware that I was playing defense, big time. "But can't we talk about things I can do, or..."
"John. Stop. It's going to happen."
"But why did you tell me at all? Why not just go someplace and..."
"Because I don't want to sneak around behind your back. Because I'm safe here. You'll be here tonight, right?"
She was the keeper of our calendar, so she knew the answer. "Well, yes but, son of a bitch, have you given any thought to all this from my point of view."
"John, on this subject, I am sick and tired of thinking about your point of view. Nothing happens. You can know that I'm safe. You can know that I'll be a happier lady. I'm sure you can fight your way through the rest of it."
Now the visual was close to clear and starkly believable. I took a deep breath. "So you'll be naked?"
"Yes."
My throat felt dry. I swallowed hard. I have seen too many videos. "Tantric isn't... I mean, he won't... I mean this isn't about a guy fucking you, is it?
"Not tonight."
"HOLY SHIT, KATIE! What does 'not tonight' mean?
She stood and retrieved her coffee cup. "That's one of Justin's optional services." And she started toward my door.
I stood, too, trying to find some kind of footing as her husband. "GODAMMIT, KATIE, turn around and talk to me. This can't just happen out of the blue."
She didn't even slow down.
___________
I can't understand many of the things that went through my mind that day. If I'm honest, the biggest one was fear. Fear that I had really fucked up in letting her get to this stage, but then anger that she thought she could brazenly make this decision and simply announce that some guy would be stroking her naked body ten hours later. That anger led to thoughts of an all-out confrontation that would at least halt the craziness. But then I would recall her expression during the coffee meeting and the fact that I had never seen her so powerfully focused, and I've seen a focused Katie slay dragons while battling for her causes. Finally -- and worst of all -- I rummaged through recent memories and could recall times when Katie had suggested things like weekend getaways or re-establishing our Wednesday party night, 'at least for a little while.' For one reason or another, I just didn't help make those things happen.
So my stomach was involved -- almost non-stop butterflies all day. And, truthfully, my penis was involved. Katie is a truly beautiful blue-eyed blonde. She is lean, but definitely not skinny. She has nicely defined calf and thigh muscles. Her ass is beautifully curved but firm to the touch. Her breasts are likely 34-something, not voluptuous, just nice.
So I would think about Katie's body, exposed to, and being touched by, some asshole named Justin, and my dick seemed to be taking a whole new interest in my wife's qualities. That line of thinking actually caused me to have an optimistic thought that I executed as a text message about four hours before zero hour:
'Cmon. Katie - you just made Justin up to get my attention, right?' [SEND]
My notification signal sounded right away.
'Wrong."
For whatever combination of reasons, my conclusion was a desire to be involved in the process, not sexually, but rather to try to understand what she was thinking and how all this really worked when it was real.