Kathleens Secret Life

Case Study; Kathleen. By Dr. Susan P. Sharp

My name is Dr. Susan P. Sharp and I am a praticing family therapist with over thirty years of clinical and private practice in marital and family counselling. I was formerly an adjuct professor at Rutgers Graduate School of Social Services and still lecture practicing counselling professionals. For the last ten years, except for my teaching and research work, I have conducted a private practice out of my home in an affluent suburb in Northern New Jersey. My clients are predominently upper middle class and wealthy couples who live in surrounding communities.

This case study was abstracted in my address, “Changing Norms in American Family Relationships” presented before the American Association of Family Therapists in November 2001 at our annual meeting in Las Vegas. At an informal gathering after my presentation, there was a lively discussion among my collegues about the lifestyle and behavioral changes we have all observed in the last twenty years amoug our married clients.

Since my presentation only provided the broad outlines of Kathleen’s story, there were many questions from my collegues, most addressed to the more abberational details of Kathleen’s behavior. At first I assumed that much of the interest was merely purient, since the account was so remarkable. But gradually my collegues began relating similar stories from their own practices.

At the request of my collegues, I have prepared this detailed case study in a narrative form and I hope to use it in my upcoming book entitled Changing Norms of the American Family Structure. I caution the reader that some of the details of Kathleen’s behaviour are shocking and I have made little attempt to sanitize what she told me in our sessions that spanned nine months. Of course, the names and places have been changed to protect the annonymity of my client and the other persons related in her story. Most important from a clinical standpoint, I caution the reader that the main facts related in Kathleen’s story are true! There will be a great temptation for the reader to dismiss some of the more unbelievable elements of this narrative, which are from my initial interview with the patient and later, from transcripts of tapes made at the actual sessions. But I assure you that, asside from names, places and some other non-essential facts, this is Kathleen’s story, exactly as she related it to me.

Session One; Intake.

Kathleen was referred to me by her close friend and a former patient of mine. She was looking for a female therapist with exceptional credentials who would take her case. Apparently, one of Kathleen’s criterea was also that the therapist be local and private. The fact that I work out of my home which is in a rather affluent and more rural area of Northern New Jersy seemed important to her. My house and office are not visible from the street and it was important to Kathleen that her car, a late model Mercedes Benz, would not be recognized. At our first meeting I was very impressed with Kathleen. She was 34 years old, dressed tastefully in an obviously expensive two piece business suit which appeared custom tailored. Underneath her jacket she wore a cream colored lace camisole which gave her a feminine, yet attractive, business like appearance. Kathleen appeared to be about 5 foot 7 inches, and in perfect physical condition. She had the lithe body of a dancer. Her most attractive feature was her piercing blue eyes and raven black hair which commanded one’s attention. I guessed that she worked out or had a personal trainer since she appeared lithe and toned, not muscular but no evidence of fat or “secretary spread” that is common in more affluent professional women that I see.

At our first meeting I spent a great deal of time getting information about Kathleen, her family history and background. Kathleen related that she was a licensed CPA and a partner at one of the larger local firms in town. As she told me about herself, I realized that I recognized her from her picture in our local town newspaper where she writes a weekly column (actually more of an advertisement) on small businesses and tax issues.

Kathleen finished sixth in her class at Columbia University and completed her undergraduate studies in only three years. She went on to graduate school and obtained an advanced degree in corporate taxation. Throughout college and graduate school Kathleen lived at home with her two parents, both of whom are still alive and married to each other. Her home life seemed stable and relatively uneventful. She was raised in a religious Irish-Catholic home and had a younger sister who is now a practicing pediatrician in a suburb of Chicago and with whom she has a close relationship. She started dating only after her first year of university studies. Her dating thoughout college and graduate school was occasional and informal. She had only one love interest during this period and, according to Kathleen, her studies took precedent and that early relationship did not work out.

After graduate school, Kathleen was courted by all the big accounting firms and began as a Junior Auditor at one of the “Big Eight” firms in Manhattan. It was there that she met and married her husband of eleven years, Bill. Shortly after their marriage, Kathleen decided that she wanted to start a family while she was still young and wanted to return to her career in accounting as soon as her family was started. It was at that time that she left her fast track carrear in Manhattan took a position with the local accounting firm in which she is now a partner. Although Kathleen had three children, she continued to work, albeit at a reduced schedule, throughout her marriage.

Bill, who I met only after several private sessions with Kathleen, is a lanky and relatively handsome man of about 35 years old. He is now a partner in the international accounting firm for which he works and appears to be a hard working and dedicated husband and father. While he sometimes appears distant and withdrawn, there is no doubt that he loves his wife and enjoys the life that he and Kathleen have been able to provide to their family in this affluent community.

At our initial meeting I was impressed by the research that Kathleen did before she decided to consult with me. She was aware of my prior teaching position and had even read one of my published papers on family therapy that had been written for professionals. Kathleen is organized, intelligent and capable. She is a “take charge” person and has a commanding presence. She is involved in in several local charities, coordinates the annual blood drive for her parish church (in which she is active), and was formerly the secretary of the local PTA. At thirty-four years old, she is the epitome of a successful modern business women and mother of three beautiful children.

After my intitial intake interview with Kathleen, I was curious about her reasons for consulting me. She appeared well adjusted and capable. I assumed our work would invlove issues surrounding her husband and his behaviors and was suspicious that he did not join her for our intitial meeting, since it is almost impossible to conduct family therapy with only one party present. I began with my usual question.

“So, Kathleen, tell me why you think you need my help?”

“Dr. Sharp, lately my life seems to be unravellng and I really don’t know where to turn. Until now, things have been going pretty much the way I planned but lately, certain events … Let’s just say I have not exactly been honest with my husband and I think it’s time to set things straight. He is a very traditional guy and I know I am going to need some professional guidance so that I can put things in the best light.”

I was surprised at Kathleen’s answer but not shocked. It is not unusual in my practice to see high powered woman who have affairs, but Kathleen just did not really fit the type! I proceeded cautiously. “In what way do you think you have not been entirely honest with your husband?”

“As I told you, when I left my job in Manhattan at Bill’s firm, I gave up a promissing carrear to start a family. For about eight months I tried to get pregnant, but nothing happened. My gynecologist tested me and told me that I was fine so I assumed, rightly so, that Bill would not be able to give me children. So I kind of took things into my own hands.”

“But you told me you have three beautiful children.”

“Yes,” Kathleen answered, “but none of them are Bill’s.”

I tried not to look shocked by this revalation. “Whose children are they then?” I asked quietly.

“What does that matter.” Kathleen responded. “They are my children - our children – and we love them.”

“Don’t you think that matters to Bill?” I asked incredulously.

“He loves our children and he loves me. It shouldn’t matter to him. After all, if we adopted children, they wouldn’t be either of ours, biologically. I never thought that simple biological issues should stand in the way of my plans for our happieness.”

“So you never told him?” “Not yet. That’s why I’m here.”

“Don’t you think Bill would be interested in how you became pregnant, what led up to you having children by another man? Was it one man?”

“I don’t really know!” Kathleen looked down at the floor and mumbled. “I’m so confused. Things just didn’t work out the way I planned. Oh, Dr. Sharp. I really don’t know what to do!”

For the first time, Kathleen’s professional, in control, demeanor started to crack and she began to sob softly. I handed her a tissue and waited until she was able to compose herself.

I must admit, by this time my head was reeling and I needed time to compose my thoughts, go over Kathleen’s file and think about what she told me. Our session was almost over and I could see that my normal, 45 minute consultation would be inadequate for this client.

“Kathleen, our time is up for today. Let me propose this. There is obviously a lot you need to tell me and all of it is going to be important for your therapy. I would like to schedule you for my last consultation of the day so that we can do a double session, longer if necessary. Also, I would like to tape your story and transcribe it. I don’t usually do that, but I think I need to in your case. The tapes will be absolutely confidential as will the transcripts. They will be helpful to me, not ony in your therapy but in some research I am doing. Would that be acceptable to you?”

“Yes, it would.” Kathleen answered. “I want you to know the whole story and I would be honored to help you with your research. I want you to know I am not a bad person. I love my husband and my family and I only wanted the best for them and for me. I’m not a person that likes to settle for second best. I know when we get done you will understand and I’m hoping you will be able to help me straighten out my life.”

I gave Kathleen a warm smile and showed her out. When she left I shook my head in disbelief and as her words echoed in my mind. “No Kathleen, I really do not understand.”

Session 2. Kathleen’s Story – The Beginning

Session 2: Tape 1

SS: “Ok, I think this tape is working. How are you feeling today Kathleen?

K: “Fine, thank you. And you Dr. Sharp?”

SS: “I have had a long day, but I’m glad to see you this afternoon. Let me first give a recap and brief introduction for the tape. Kathleen has sought my help with a problem that has been going on for several years. She has been unfaithful to her husband, Bill, who is unaware of her affairs, and is now seeking a way of ending this situation and moving on in her marriage and in her relationship with her husband. Unfortunately, there is a complication – none of Kathleen’s three children are from her husband and he is unaware of that fact. Does that accurately summarize where we are right now, Kathleen?”

K: Well, . . . I would like to clarify a few things you said, just to be clear, for the record.

SS: “Go right ahead.”

K: “I have never had an affair and don’t see myself as “unfaithful” to Bill. The way I see it, my major problem right now is that I have not been entirely truthful with my husband about my work.”

SS: “Or about your children?”

K: “That’s right, or about our children and the fact that Bill is not their biological father.”

SS: “Kathleen, how can you admit that Bill is not the biological father of your three children but claim that you never had an affair or were not unfaithful? Don’t you think you are playing with words?”

K: “This is complicated. I think I need to start from the beginning. Then maybe you can understand.”

SS: “That’s why we are here. Why don’t you start from the beginning.”

K: “OK. Bill and I were married in 1991. We both decided that we wanted children and dreamt about having a nice house in the suburbs just like most couples our age. We were both making great money at the firm but were working long hours. At the beginning, we were often traveling on assignment, sometimes for weeks at a time. Even worse, sometimes we would alternate on travel assignments and, for a while, we never saw each other! We both agreed this had to stop or it would wreck our marriage. We decided that I would quit the firm and take a job in the suburbs. Even though this meant putting a promising career on hold and taking a cut in salary, I was willing to do this on one condition, that we immediately start a family. I felt that this would make my sacrifice worthwhile. Also, I reasoned that when our children were older, I could return to my career in Manhattan if my suburban practice was not rewarding. Bill understood this and agreed to it whole heartedly. This was the deal we made and all of my actions have been planned to make our dreams of having a family and being financially independent a reality.”

“As soon as I moved to the firm I’m with now, I tried to get pregnant. Nothing happened. Both of us were tested. We were both fine, although Bill did have a low sperm count. The doctors told us that we just had to be more “mindful” if I wanted to get pregnant. You know, make sure all the conditions were right! For a while things were tense. We would check my temperature and make love at the right time of the month. After a while sex was becoming a chore for both of us. After about six months, I decided that I didn’t want to live this way. I told Bill that getting pregnant wasn’t the most important thing in the world and that we should just relax and see what happened. He seemed happy I made this decision.

SS: “Had you changed your outlook, your plan - I mean about getting pregnant and starting a family early?”

K: “Absolutely not. I told Bill this for a couple of reasons. I did want a rest from the pressure. I also thought that Bill might be more relaxed and that might help! But I never gave up my goal. I guess this was the first lie I told Bill.”

SS: “I wouldn’t be so hard on yourself. This is not really a lie, it’s more like an attitude adjustment.”

K: “Well, when six months passed and I was still not pregnant, I began looking into alternatives. As you know, Dr. Sharp, I am a very thorough person. I looked into artificial insemination, adoption, you name it. I concluded that they were all too expensive, too emotionally draining and not what I wanted. I knew that I could get pregnant. The problem was Bill and his sperm! So I began to work on the real problem – how could I get pregnant and have a family without relying on Bill’s little sperm guys!”

“Right after I was hired, my firm assigned me to a client in Patterson who owned a bar. I think they did it as a joke. I was the youngest in the office and the only woman. The owners were two brothers, Tony and Vince Salerno. The bar, actually it was a topless bar, was a sleazy neighborhood joint in downtown Patterson and barely turned a profit.”

“I’ll never forget my first day on this account. Tony began calling me “Sweet Cakes” after I introduced myself and was very condescending. Don’t forget, these two were used to hiring bubble headed topless dancers and didn’t really believe a woman could be smarter than they were. Within two weeks, I showed Tony (he was the brains of the operation) that he was loosing money on the bar! That was supposed to be their profit center! Some business men! I helped them analyze their financial problems and within three months, they were making money hand over fist – or should I say, hand over tit. When they saw how lucrative this business could be, they told me about an opportunity they had to buy a large existing club in Union, New Jersey called “EXstasy”. The federal government had sent the owner on an all expense paid vacation to Allenwood, Pennsylvania at their minimum security prison for tax evasion. The Salerno brothers couldn’t even imagine where they could get the $1.5 Million asking price they thought they needed to buy this club. I explained to them how they would go about legitimately buying this club. They gave me the go ahead to represent them, and I was able to arrange a loan at a local bank after working on cash flow pro formas I expected to see at the new club, based on the Salerno’s existing experience. I was able to negotiate a final price of under $1 Million for the new Club and basically put the Salerno boys in business - BIG business for a very little cash outlay on their part.”

“By this time I was spending about three afternoons a week with the Salerno’s. I became their consultant and business advisor. They were paying a sizeable retainer to my firm for my services, and even though I got a 20% cut, I realized that the gravy train was leaving the station and I was on the platform. After about three months at EXstasy, I took over the hiring of talent. You see in the “Gentlemen’s Club” business, particularly the more popular clubs, you don’t need to pay girls to dance. They make an amazing amount of money from tips and most would gladly pay you to get to dance in a popular club. After some of my suggestions were implemented, the Salerno’s saved over $350,000 the first year. When they saw how important I was to their business, particularly the “cash” portion of the business, they were open to my suggestion that I become a “silent partner”. After all, if it wasn’t for me, the Salerno’s would still be selling dollar beers to deadbeats in Patterson!

“Tony and Vince put me on a “cash” retainer of $2,000 per week. That translated to a taxable salary of over $200,000 per year and I was still getting my small but steady draw from my accounting firm. I was doing great! “

SS: “How did you feel about working in such a seedy industry? I would think that a woman with your background and education would be appalled at working for a strip club? Didn’t it bother you?”

K: “Not really. Even though my client’s business was seedy, I wasn’t on the payroll and technically wasn’t even associated with the Salerno’s. I was their accountant, a professional servicing her clients. Does it bother you that some of your client’s are not nice people and that you try to help them?”

SS: “I see your point, in a way. Go on.”

K: “By the end of 1995, EXstasy was paying Tony and Vince an annual salary of $150,000 each on the books and triple that off the books. They began to get worried about the cash “skim”, particularly in light of the problems the prior owner had. I made them another deal. I set up some off-shore bank accounts to funnel the cash into and set up a conduit to get the money back into the country, legitimately but tax free. The Salerno’s were overjoyed. I was given 10% off the top of all the skim money for this operation. Now I was accumulating about $180,000 a year in an offshore account tax free in addition to my cash draw.

“It was at this time that Bill signed up a big national manufacturing client and was traveling almost weekly to supervise audits at their plants around the country. I was feeling desperate – I was able to do such great things in such a short period but my dream of starting a family was not one step closer. Even though Bill wasn’t around much, we both loved each other and were committed to our relationship.