Well, she actually would care. I don't doubt that she (my wife) actually loved me -- in her own way. The issue was that she didn't love me in any way that I really needed her to. I'm talking about my wife here, not Cassandra. Oh, you didn't pick up on that? No Cassandra isn't my wife, she's, my lover. I really do try to keep them separate. I do actually love my wife. Hell, I married her. Well, maybe not 'love'. I married her for better or for worse. True, I also vowed to forsake all others, but that was before I found out about my wife's little loophole. Before you get your panties in a wad, No, she was not cheating on me. She wasn't having sex with another man (or woman for that matter). So, NO, this wasn't revenge cheating or anything else like it. I fully admit that I was flat out cheating on my wife. I do not have issues about that. You ask, and I admit it. I was having sexual intercourse with a woman who is not my wife.
OK, perhaps I should explain my views on 'love'. First off, I don't believe that romantic love actually exists. I think that it is a made-up emotion by romance authors in order to sell books. Seriously, if it was real, why are there so many women buying those books to read and fantasize about? If they really had love, why bother with the fantasy? No, I believe that two people begin with a sexual attraction, then look for compatibility. They get married because they enjoy sex with each other and they are compatible enough to be able to put up with each other. Their mutual attraction keeps them together as well as a caring for the emotional, physical, and mental well-being of the other person. I believe in lust, but not love. I am honest enough with myself to understand that I have never had the slightest feelings of 'love' to any woman that I wasn't related to. Now, for those perves out there, I am not talking about sexual love with family. I do understand that children love their parents and siblings love their siblings. This is strictly about romantic love, which I do not believe actually exists.
So, I met my future wife. We dated. We even had sex. I found her to be compatible with me, and she seemed to think that I was compatible enough with her to live together for the rest of our lives. I proposed. She accepted. We got married. Life moved on. We had kids. By the time of this story, the kids had grown up and were just starting out as adults. I should mention here that it had been four years since my wife and I had been intimate.
Why, you ask? It was for a couple of reasons. First off, there were a couple of times when I had been too drunk to perform. It happens. Then there was the fact that my wife became extremely self-conscious about her looks. As a result, she refused to do anything unless all the lights were out. Sorry, but I really am not good at Braille. I want to see what I am doing and what I am doing it with. I found myself fumbling around in the dark and generally spending too much effort attempting to feel what was going on instead of being able to enjoy it and bring pleasure to her. The result was that neither of us were enjoying it, so she stopped putting out. One time, she caught me masturbating and got pissed off because I wasn't making love to her. WTF? She was the one denying me, but she gets mad because I was taking care of myself? It wasn't like I was ignoring her; I was constantly hitting on her and offering myself. After a while, she even refused Braille sex.
So, here I was. I had just gotten dressed after a nice roll in bed with one of my wife's friends. To be clear, she has no idea about my extra-marital activities, and I am sure that she is not having an affair with anyone else. She has not given me a 'Hall Pass' and would be severely pissed if she ever found out. No, I will not divorce her, because I married her 'For better or for worse'. I understand that there are a lot of you out there that will condemn me for what I am doing. I am having a sexual affair outside of my marriage. Understand that if my wife would be willing to engage in sexual intercourse with me, with at least enough light so I could see what the fuck I am doing, I would break off my affair in a heartbeat. I do care for my wife. I do want her to be fulfilled, happy, and healthy. Unfortunately, at this point, we are more like platonic roommates than spouses.
Go ahead. Fire away at me. Tell me what a piece of shit I am. You can't tell me anything that I already don't know. A lot of you will tell me that there is never an excuse for cheating. Perhaps you are right. Still, it was not my decision to suddenly become part of a sexless marriage. I didn't want that, but I didn't get a say in the matter. If my wife is going to refuse to perform her duties to her husband, I feel that I have the right to get those duties filled elsewhere. Yes, I have attempted to discuss this issue with her. No, she refuses to discuss it. I've done all I can. I will not force her. She has the right to refuse, but I will not be forced into celibacy. I continuously let her know that I am wanting to make love to her, but until she takes me up on my offers, I will continue to visit Cassandra.
