Contents: British English spelling and grammar.
OK, they're not married. But 'Loving Wives' is where most of my readers are. Category Police feel free to point this out anyway.
***
Just some guy I met up the pub
There was nothing particularly unusual about the guy as he approached my table. Except perhaps his hands: he was carrying a pint of lager and half of Guinness; that was a little unusual. He stopped right in front of me.
"Where did Mickie go?" he asked.
"Who's Mickie?"
"Mickie Durston. She was sitting at your table."
He nodded towards it, and the unoccupied chair. There was an empty half pint glass which had clearly contained Guinness not long ago.
"Sorry mate, I've no idea. Actually I was sitting at her table; it's always crowded in here Friday lunchtime."
Someone on their way to the bar jostled him.
"Why don't you sit down, before you spill something?"
He did.
"You don't know her then?" he asked.
"Never even spoke to her; friend of yours?"
"Yes. I bought her this."
"Maybe she went to the toilet. There's no more chairs available, so she'll have to sit on your lap whe she comes back. I wouldn't mind her sitting on mine - fantastic legs. No offence if you're her boyfriend."
"None taken; I'm George and I used to be her boyfriend."
"Dan."
We shook hands.
"So what happened?" I asked. "She dumped you because you ran off with another woman, and now you're hoping half a Guinness might win her back?"
He laughed.
"No, I got a new job in Bristol about a year ago and left town. This is my first time back; up for a mate's birthday party. I just spotted her from the bar and got her this. It was supposed to be a surprise."
"Well, she'll probably be back in a minute. I certainly hope so."
"I hope so too. But if not, she'll be at his party tonight."
"So who's this mate of yours? Maybe I know him."
He took a swig of his lager.
"Peter Hughes. Rich, flash car, lives in a mini mansion on the outskirts of town."
"No, I don't know him either."
"We always called him Peter the Peeper. A real voyeur."
"Me too. I thought all men were."
He laughed and we clinked glasses, acknowledging our peeper brotherhood. I only took a sip of mine, as there wasn't much left. But he nearly drained his.
"Can I get you another?" he asked.
"That's very civil of you." I replied. "I'll have a Heineken."
"Sure. I'll leave her Guinness here. If she comes back, don't let her wander off. Tell her George is here."
"No problem."
I watched him weave through the crowd to get to the bar. A complete stranger buying me a beer. Aren't pubs wonderful? It's a very male thing though; something women would never do. It was more than five minutes before he returned.
"No sign of her?" he asked.
"Afraid not. Maybe she left after all."
"Looks like it, doesn't it?"
He pushed the Guinness towards me.
"Fancy this Dan? Shame to waste it."
"No thanks George, can't stand the stuff."
We drank again. He was going a bit slower this time. I'd have to buy him one back eventually, so this might turn into a session.
"So tell me more about this peeper."
"Do you know, I actually think he's ill; priapism or something. He reckons he has to shoot his load at least six times a day. He watches porn movies, reads porn mags, and his wife knows all about it."
"Wow!"
"Yeah, imagine being married to a woman like that. She gives him all three holes and indulges his voyeurism; she says it keeps him on the straight and narrow. He claims he's never been with any other woman, just wanks himself stupid when she can't take any more."
"Do you believe him?"
"Absolutely, he dotes on her. She even lets him take his own movies at their house."
"What? He films himself fucking his own wife? Then watches the movies when she's worn out?"
"Close. They've got this really big house. And Pete set up a guest room with it's own shower room. On one wall, there's a huge floor to ceiling mirror. Behind it is a tiny room with all the house security monitors. From there you can see into the guest room. It acts like a window and he has cameras in there, capturing everything."
"Wow, again!"
"He's set up two more spy cameras in the guest room itself. Another in the shower, and even one peeking up at the toilet!"
"Ew! I like watching sex as much as the next man, but I don't fancy spying on a woman having a piss - or worse!"
"I tell you, he's insatiable."
"So how do you know all this, does he share these movies?"