She had always hated hospitals. The last time there was an old uncle who had died did not even know. She was only ten years old, but that smell pungent and slightly sweet was left in the nostrils for weeks, as well as had remained in his ears the words and the tears of relatives, close the pain of loss. But now everything was different. She was 26 years old, was a grown woman and married her. Yet she felt the same feeling of disorientation and fear she had felt all those years ago. Squeezed in a red dress that made them more prosperous breasts and legs left uncovered so dangerously close to the groin, precariously balanced on the heels of those shoes black Prada who had made crazy the first time she had them put the eyes on them, she kept her eyes on the bed on the other side of the glass, without even noticing glances naughty nurses and doctors on duty on the throwing. Her whole world was on the other side of that glass, attached to a respirator and other machines that kept him anchored to life. Rick was motionless, his face disfigured, and she could feel the pain even in a state of coma in which he found himself. But it was another terrible pain she perceived: the awareness that this was all her fault.
1.
Rick and Tamara had met at a party. One of those summer organized on the beach, simple and exciting at the same time. Music, beer, and the sea breeze. She had just broken up with longtime boyfriend in college, he was there with a girl known to work, and of which he had forgotten the name just arrived at the beach.
He had always had a thing for blondes: when he saw Tamara dancing on the beach with her face so innocent and full lips with a thin layer of makeup, he felt the ground beneath his feet fail him. He did not know how he did even find the courage to approach her, usually so shy as to verge on social anxiety. But that night the gods must have looked benevolently from heaven, that Rick was able to walk from her, looking at her as if he had another reason for which to live, and ask if he could offer her something to drink. "But here the beer is free!", she had replied, with a smile so bright to light the entire coast, in a mocking way, but not bad. He was heard to sink, he began to stammer something unintelligible, and she had melted seeing him so helpless and cute trying to find the right words to get out of the impasse. The men who had known her, including ex-boyfriend, had been mostly arrogant and full of themselves, and she could not take any more of that kind.
They spent the whole evening talking. And also the next two. Then came the first kiss. They were married exactly ten months later, with parents and friends are convinced that they were doing a complete madness. Yet, almost two years later, they were more in love than ever. Immediately after the marriage had rented a small apartment with a large window that looked out on the beach of their first meeting. He had a promotion that allowed them to live without too many worries about money, because in early Tamara threw herself headlong into the studio to finish her studies. But in the end, she obtained the highest marks and was called for six-month internship at one of the major law firms in the city. Her task was only to legal assistant, but she had the opportunity to follow and learn from some of the best criminal lawyers of the State.
Only one thing seemed to overshadow their happiness, better, happiness of Tam: their sex life. Sex with Rick was nice and pleasant, and the love she felt was so intense that she would spend the whole day in bed with him. But she could not quite get to orgasm. She felt like it, but he could not come. She pretended most of the time , then she did a small shower and masturbated to cum, burying her mouth in one hand to prevent Rick hearing her pleasure.
She hated herself for the fact that so blatantly lying to the love of his life. But she did not want him to feel a failure, she did not want such a small thing could make him feel less loved or less wanted from her.
Tamara hoped that with the passage of time things would get better, but the months went by and things were always the same. And she always felt a bit more painful deep frustration, a sense of emptiness that was growing larger in his soul. She hated herself for it. Rick had a normal cock, not small or huge, he could have satisfactory erections, and over time, although at the beginning it was obvious his lack of experience with women, had become more skilled and more engaging. She was the problem. She got very wet, but she was never able to get excited until the end. She missed what she had always found so objectionable in men: the feeling of being used as a sex object , to be able to excite the man not for the love he felt for her, but simply for her body, her tits, her vagina. Rick was too sweet, too protective, treated her like a queen, and she loved him deeply for that. For this she felt dissociated: her heart and her head were happy and satisfied, her body was constantly dissatisfied, constantly waiting for a change.
When it finally arrived, the inexorable descent into hell began .
2.
The incident was not particularly traumatic. An incident banal and common, one would have said. A car did not respect the stop, and went straight on to Rick, breaking through the right door of his car. So scared, but no physical consequence for the two drivers. The woman behind the wheel of the station wagon which had caused the collision continued to apologize for two whole days, the insurance paid in a reasonable time after all and were thus able to fix the car without further hitches. But things have not returned to their place as everyone had hoped. Rick began having panic attacks. Before very little, especially when he was driving, then bigger and bigger and disabling, almost to force him home. Thus he began a psychotherapy, and in a few weeks he could take back his life. Or rather, a part of it. Because he could no longer have any erection. According to doctors there were no physical causes, the problem was essentially psychological: he could no longer let go, too frightened by his own physical sensations. Tamara, as optimistic as she was, decided not to worry too much: she knew Rick and she knew that he would be able to fix things, as he always did. It was her guide, her rock, he could not fall, ever.
An autumn afternoon, Rick came home from his weekly session. He looked at Tam, and then said:
"Honey, we need to talk."
Tamara felt the growing anxiety in the pit of the stomach, suddenly frightened. She followed him into the living room, where they sat on the couch , remaining silent for a few seconds. Then Rick looked up, and took her hands, holding them tight in hers.
"What's up, Rick?"
"Tam, today Dr. Steven and I have talked again of my ... er .. problem ..."
"I know that we 're working with commitment, love, you must not be in a hurry, you know!"
"It's two months now!"
"The head and body are often two planets away, you know!", Tamara said with force, knowing what this meant for her.
Rick did not answer right away, just looked at her . Then, turning away, he said:
"According to Dr. Steven, I have to learn again to live my physical sensations, and my emotions without trying to control them. And to do this, I need to explore my fantasies, to dive into them, to use his words."
"W. . What that means?"
"It means ... I need your help Tam. I need you to help me live out my sexual fantasies without judgment, without limits."
He paused a moment, the fatigue in his voice. Then he resumed:
"I'm so sorry honey. I know I'm asking a lot, maybe too much. You are free to refuse, I'd understand. I feel so stupid, so wrong!"
Tamara ran to him, hugging him tightly.
"Do not say that! It is not true! You .. you, you're the love of my life! Do you understand? And I'll help you, always! I'm not afraid of anything if you're with me!"
"Are you sure you want to hear the rest?"
In response, Tamara gave him a gentle kiss on his lips, though she felt the fear grow inside.
"Me and Dr. Steven talked about my sexual fantasies in recent meetings. They were things that I did not think even more that I did not believe they were still there in my head. Things that I am deeply ashamed..."
She looked at him, just listening to his words, hearing his voice trembling with embarrassment.
"The doctor has called these as cuckolding fantasies ... fantasies of watching your girl with another man..."
Tamara looked at him, shocked by what she had just heard, unable to say anything that made sense. He felt the discomfort and surprise in his wife, and he continued, his voice broken by tears:
"Yes, you married a man disgusting. A man so useless and little to get excited thinking about his wife fuck with another man!"
Then he started to get up from the couch, but she hugged him even stronger in his arms and began to kiss him on the face, lips, feeling her tears solcargli cheeks, trembling with rage and shame.
They stayed so long. Eventually, when she heard that Rick had calmed down, she spoke:
"What do you want me to do?"
He looked at her with tired and swollen eyes, almost bewildered by the love that she felt even after hearing such a confession.
"Honey, you do not have to do anything, okay? I did not want even talk about it, I was persuaded by the psychologist from overwork! The problem is mine, and I know I can face it alone!"
She looked at him still, as if he had not even heard. She was his wife, his love and would have helped without even doubting for a moment this thing.
"What should I do?", she asked again.
Rick felt his mouth dry. He tried to moisten his lips, but he could not.
"W... we should not do anything that we can not handle both. W...we have to put sum rules, sum stakes. Our relationship is the most important thing in my life, and we must protect it!"
"What rules?"
"S. . .Should be a known person, but a friend of course. Someone you trust, who can ... do this thing without suspicion. I do not want anyone to know what you're doing for me. Prefer someone that think you want to have fun behind me, rather you are forced to do this for my sick imagination!"
"Alright, but stop saying that! You 're not sick!", Tamara was discovered herself almost screaming.
"And then ... we'll start with something simple, right? Maybe just a little petting , but nothing too exciting, like oral sex ... or else.", He emphasized the word another in a voice choked with emotion.
There was a heavy silence in the room.
