(4th in the sequence of Jasmin)
I thank you readers for your patience and furthermore for your indulgence with the way I am telling our story. 'Our' of course refers to Jasmin and I. I started off our story with my current age of 36 and Jasmin at 31 when she arrived on my doorstep after a three year 'exile'.
Jasmin was in trouble with the arseholes she had taken up with three years ago that had caused me to throw her out and effectively end our marriage. And now she wanted to come back, saying various things like always thinking about me, how sorry she was and that she knew how wrong she had been. I knew also that she had been manipulated, possibly even blackmailed to a certain extent. That had happened to her in the past also when she let herself be pushed into a corner.
But none of that made much difference in my world. I have always been very black and white and found that whenever I had compromised my principles by allowing shades of grey that what I had compromised only invited more of the same behaviour. That had happened with Jasmin a few times. She said she finally realised the damage she had caused me and now wanted to fix things. She had also said that before, at 18.
To convince me of her sincerity now Jasmin had volunteered a diary she had kept from the age of 18. I knew of her regular diaries that she had kept since well before then but this secret diary she had kept hidden from me for all the years we were together. Jasmin said it told of every time that she had betrayed me.
Jasmin might believe that by allowing me to read it that she would be absolved of guilt. Well nothing is ever easy. Reading her diary that she had named, 'The Diary of My Guilt', was an incredible eye opener right from the inside board. There are confessions inside that I had no clue of and some that I do. I could not doubt the veracity of Jasmin's secret diary either, the descriptiveness inside was too authentic to be contrived.
When I came downstairs the first day after her return I learned from her why she had let me have the diary. "I have no secrets now, Damien," she said. "You will know everything, even the last three years away from you. I wrote everything in that book that I thought of as a betrayal of us, of you."
Before I had come downstairs I had learned where this Rick character fit in to everything and how he had come to 'dedicate' Jasmin's 'Diary of My Guilt'. Just as she was now, at the age of eighteen Jasmin had been in trouble. The difference then was that I thought she always told me about things. Of course I've cleaned up her writing, changed people's names and omitted dates the same as the first translation I submitted. Be assured though, sometimes truth is freaky.
I'm relating this part of our story from when Jasmin was 18 and I was 23. This was the start of the rot.
-- Eighteen-year-old Jasmin wrote:
I have been unfaithful to Damien again over the last two days. I don't think it's my fault anymore though. I thought I might be able to tell Damien about it and that he could do something. He is a policeman after all. But if he knew what's been happening it would split us up for sure and I just can't lose him. I love him so much.
I feel sooo bad, dirty just like I've seen in movies. One thing though, I'm so glad now that I agreed with Damien that I should go on the pill. Everyone always wants to cum in me, it's like some kind of sick game to get a kid in me. They're so sick. I almost refuse to write down what happened but I will. I promised I will, that I would.
I want to write something good first before the bad stuff. It will make it easier to write that other stuff.
Really it started at the Italian restaurant. I wrote that in my diary not you, you're just a horrible book I wish never happened.
I didn't see Damien for ten days after that magic day at The Koala Park (author - ok I'll let Jasmin call it that, I still think it was a Reptile Park but I do admit her memory would have been much fresher than mine when she wrote this). Being with Damien in the car while we waited for the park to open... that was fantastic. I have never felt so in love, never so close to him. I know he felt the same. We saw inside each other and I knew we were always together. You'd never understand; you're such a bad book.
So on the Wednesday over a week later, Damien and I were going crazy with not seeing each other. I wrote some poems to but you're never going to hear any, you're such a dirty book.
I had an idea that I could see Damien by saying to mum I was going to Linda's after college. So Linda brought my new dress to college and I changed there before Damien picked me up. It was so great to see him after so long. When he smiles I feel like my heart will burst. And that smile is all for me. But this is not for you, horrible book.
Damien took me to a lovely Italian restaurant and also brought a bottle of costly red wine. And this is so beautiful I'm going to write it in you anyway.
After we had eaten the entrée and main and before desert, Damien went to one knee and asked me if I would marry him! I was breathless. The strange thing was that I felt like he had asked me that before, or that I expected him to ask me. There were a few people at other tables that stopped talking and just watched. It was embarrassing but I felt so loved. Damien had no care for anyone looking and I loved him for that too.
Of course I said, "Yes! Oh, yes!" I know that while I live at home mum will make it unbearable if she knows I am going to marry Damien. For some reason she is really set on getting me together with Graham. Just about every second or third day that Damien isn't visiting, she lets Graham come over for dinner and those nights I'm not allowed to go anywhere.
So, Damien made me so happy when he asked me to marry him. Some of the people watching wished us well. Others just smiled and went back to their own business. I think about moving to Bondi with Damien but it's too far to go to college. Plus if I do that I know mum will cut me off.
(author – How I wish Jasmin had been strong enough then to move to Bondi with me at that time. So much hurt would have been prevented at that time and also more recently as well.)
But if I went to Bondi with Damien I wouldn't have had to do what I've done. Too late now, he won't let me and I just can't. I just have to make sure Damien doesn't find out. I don't care anymore if mum knows but if Damien finds out he'll dump me. And that's where I will be, right on the rubbish heap with these scum that don't care about me or what I want. They just want to fuck me as much as they can.
So I accepted the ring Damien had for me but I asked him to keep it for me. I felt stupid doing that and I was afraid Damien would think I didn't like the ring. It's a beautiful ring. Other than mum's old ring I've never seen diamonds before. I saw this other woman in the restaurant nodding at me with a smile. She looked almost as happy as I was.
I'm not sure Damien understood about not telling anyone or about me leaving the ring with him. He was happy on the phone today though and he knew by my voice I was unhappy. I hope he believed me when I said I was not sad about anything to do with us.
Now about after the restaurant: Damien dropped me off three blocks from home, before he had to turn onto the riverfront road. Naturally it was dark then, maybe 8pm.
Mum expected me no later than 10pm so I was nice and early. I was hoping she would let Damien come over for dinner the next day.
-- Ed --
I was nearly home and had just walked past this big dark car when the window went down and I heard someone say, "Come here, Jasmin."
I couldn't believe it. It was Ed, Rick's dad. "What do you want?" But I stayed on the path, not stepping any closer to his car.
"Look at this Jasmin." He held a big glossy photo up at the window. I couldn't see it in the dark though. But I could see the big grin on Ed's face. He had a lighter in his other hand and when he lit it I could see the photo clear enough.
Ed was laughing a bit then. I didn't notice as my bag fall down my arm from my shoulder. All I could see was the big glossy photo dimly illuminated by Ed's lighter. It was me and Rick. The photo was taken from the side. Rick was holding me up, his face leering at my breasts and I had my legs wrapped around his middle. I was naked and I knew of course when this photo had been taken, when Rick had turned me on so much that I couldn't refuse him. I had to admit that yes, the photo was hot.
"Get in Jasmin," said Ed. "You need to do some negotiating."
I knew what he meant. Ed wanted sex with me to give me the photo. "No way. Never," I said. "I'm not getting in your car. Anyway, I have to go home. Mum's waiting."
"No, Jasmin. Mummy ain't waiting for you. Linda told her you're helping her get Craig home. Then you'll have to stay the night because the trains aren't safe that late. It seems mummy doesn't think she needs to go and pick you up from Craig's while you're with Linda. You remember Craig, don't you Jasmin? You broke his leg. He can't drive that shagg'n wagon of his until his leg heals. The idiot can't work either," Ed chuckled.
"You talked to Linda?" As I stepped off the path and closer to his car I could see the photo better. At first I thought that Ed must have saved some of the videotape from when I threw it in the toilet. But the photo was too clear. In it I had my eyes closed, my teeth biting my bottom lip. Rick's hands were pulling my hips so hard the muscles in his arms were clearly defined. There must have been a camera in the room as well, no videotape would be that good, surely. It also looked like the photo had been taken from above, like the camera was looking down into the room, with Rick's bed in the middle.
"Maybe," Ed said. "Maybe she's pissed with you for breaking her boyfriend's leg." Ed showed me a second photo. In it, Ed and Rick, facing away, were looking at Craig on the floor at the foot of Rick's bed with his leg broken. I was standing near Rick, facing the camera and still holding my leg up after kicking him. Linda knew that Damien had taught me a few things. She will know from the photo that I did that.
"You didn't show her that, did you?" I asked Ed. Linda is my best friend, even better than Gloria and I don't want her to see that photo that's for sure.
"Of course I haven't shown her yet. She won't see it if you get in the car and come with me now."
