Its Not Cheating If Divorced

We married when she was 18 and I was 20. Twenty-five years later, after our two children left the house to go on their own, she asked me for a divorce. At first I thought it was a joke. She kept insisting that we divorce. It was not a joke! I was blindsided. I questioned what I had done to bring this about. I thought we had a great marriage. We had strong family and social ties. Both of us worked and had similar incomes, so money was not the problem.

She was about to graduate high school when we first met. I had already started college. We both lived in our parents homes. She continued attending high school social events after graduating. I looked for something to keep me busy after classes. The party we met at was given by a friend whose younger sibling was still in high school. Hence, the invited guests included high school and college students.

I saw her from across the room. He blond hair stood out against the gyrating crowd of dancers. One never knows what is under the hair and face until you are up close. Her body was ideal for the way she danced. She was slim and well proportioned in all the right places. Some girls wore sneakers and jeans. She looked more mature and formal in her skirt and low heels. Unlike the girls who tied their hair in pony tails or randomly bunched up behind their heads and held in place with pins, she let her hair fall in waves that settled on her slim shoulder. She looked more mature than her years.

I walked up to within a few feet of her and watched her dance. I couldn't tell if she was alone or dancing with someone lost in the crowd. I must have stood out, standing in place, as everyone around me, danced. I think it was my clothes that drew her attention to me. I dressed as a typical college preppy with Dockers jeans, short sleeve collared shirt and penny loafers. My hair matched the preppy image of what I wore.

She never stopped dancing as she approached me, looked up and asked, "are we dancing together?"

I was tongue-tied. She was beautiful, and she was talking to me.

Above the din of the crowd and music, I finally answered, "now we are."

I moved between and around other people so that I could watch her. She mesmerized me, as she looked up into my face and smiled.

"Have we met before?"

"I would have remembered if we did."

"So, this is our first meeting," she said as she slid into my arms, to the slow tempo of the music.

Everyone moved slowly as the volume and tempo of the music lowered along with the lights. I couldn't believe that I was holding her in my arms. She felt so soft as she melted into me. I hardened as I felt her firm twin peaks against me. She didn't pull away, instead, she gyrated against me. My thoughts abandoned me as my body felt her's.

"Are you comfortable dancing this way?" she asked while looking up into my eyes.

"Are we dancing? I asked. "Holding you feels natural, like we have done this before."

"I like you," she said as she leaned her head against me."

"Are you comfortable this way?" I asked.

"Yes. You smell so good, more like a man than a bottle of cologne."

"Which would you prefer?"

"A man of course,"

We continued dancing together until we were the only ones on the dance floor. The music had stopped and people were either siting or standing in groups talking. We stopped dancing when we realized there was no music. She took my hand and pulled me towards a table where four women sat. When we reached the table, she introduced me after awkwardly asking me my name. Within minutes I was sitting at a table with five good-looking women, one of whom I danced with, one of whom I wanted to know better.

After several introductory minutes, getting to know each other, the girls talked about people and things that were foreign to me. I sat quietly as each girl said her piece, but I concentrated on the girl I danced with. There wasn't much I could contribute. They were still in high school, or had just graduated. I was already out of high school more than two years.

We parted at the party, not before she made me promise to call her. She insisted on getting my number so that if I lost her's or forgot to call, she would remind me. In my mind I knew that there was no way I would forget her or her phone number.

I can't tell you if it was infatuation or immediate true love. From our first formal date till we married we were never apart. We married less than six months after we met. She had just graduated high school, and I was in my second year of college. Her mother objected to our marriage because she felt that her daughter was too young and would miss out on the single lifestyle many had before committing to marriage. Aside from that one objection, our parents got along with each other and with us. It didn't take long for a strong bond between the six of us to develop.

Our feelings for each other were too strong to seriously consider her mother's one objection. When we announced that we wanted to marry, both our parents were surprised. We were too young, too inexperienced and with no resources to fund a marriage. While I had been with other women, she was a virgin before me. She insisted and I agreed, that when you find "your one true love" you had to move on it or maybe lose it forever.

Neither set of parents had expected and therefore saved for the cost of a wedding. Our wedding was a small affair, limited by our parent's finances. There were a lot more people at the wedding ceremony than at party afterwards.

Once married it was only natural that we spend our nights together. Aside from several nights at a nearby resort hotel as a "honeymoon" we were on our own. Without resources of our own, we needed to rely on others for a place to sleep. Since neither of us worked, we relied on the hospitality of our parents. We alternatively slept at my parent's home, her parent's home and my dorm room, when we were sure we could be alone.

Our rotating sleeping arrangements lasted a year until both of us, with part-time work, could afford a place of our own. She worked full-time for the first six months after graduating high school. Afterwards, she continued working part-time while she took college classes.

It was at the beginning of our second married year when we found out that she was pregnant. It was not a good time to get pregnant, but I guess it never is. It just meant that we had one more hardship. With a lot of manipulation and time management, we accommodated our youngest arrival. My wife was a ball off fire with boundless amounts of energy. While I focused on my studies and part-time job, she made everything else happen.

She awed me. I was in love and thought that there would never be another, and there wasn't. With all our hardships we never wavered. We had each other to face whatever hardships life presented.

By the time the second baby came, I had finished college and was working full-time. All of a sudden we had money coming in. As the hardships diminished we enjoyed more of each other and the two new additions to our family. Life felt good.

When the children came, others envied her for her balancing act. She managed the house, children and me, her husband. She seemed to always have time to do what she thought needed to be done. She was the social director for our children, our parents, me, and some of the neighborhood women. She never got a degree from college, opting instead to work in real-estate since she wanted flexible hours. She never had that dragged out housewife look. True to the way we first met, she always dressed appropriately and always looked professional when meeting clients. Many of the guys that knew us envied me for having an attractive wife that always looked "good."

When she left college to become a full-time housewife and mother, our lives became "routine." It was routine in the sense that our lives centered around the children and home. While I left the house every day for work, she worked at and from home. She took care of the children, house and job requirements. She had arrangements in place to take care of the children when she needed to leave the house for a real-estate opportunity. Every night we were together for dinner. After watching TV we went to bed and had sex before sleep. It was rare that we did not have some sexual activity before falling asleep. Sleep after sex was satisfying and came easily and quickly.

As our children grew and no longer needed a stay at home mom, she devoted more time to her realtor efforts as a real-estate agent. Once our two children entered their late teens my wife filled her days with other activities. She joined several real-estate clubs but dropped most after a few meetings. She remained with one group "the realtors girls night out." It consisted of women realtors from different agencies and numbered more than thirty women. The core group of four women, arranged for a venue, speakers and other agenda items of interest to the whole group. Ten to fifteen women attended most meetings. After the general interest segment of the meetings concluded, women who wanted to talk more, met at a nearby bar. I think that is when and where the problems started.

**THE KINK

Our problems did not come about suddenly. Over months I noticed a change in her, especially after her girls night out. It was a subtle change that I originally attributed to time and aging. When I felt she stopped caring and found more things to complain about me, I should have taken steps. I don't know what steps I could have taken, but I should have done something. Her changes waned after a few days, then returned after another girls night out. When she came out and asked for the divorce, I originally thought that her girls night out was a cover for other activities.

We guys are so concerned with the women we love, that we never really know what they truly want. We are afraid of shaking the tree for fear that what drops out will be worse than what we imagine. I knew that something was going on that I wouldn't like. Confronting her was sure to agitate our relationship. So I either made excuses or hoped that it would blow over. Looking back I should have intervened as soon as I realized she was questioning our relationship. As soon as she told me about the experiences of the women she met over and over again, I should have enlisted the help of our family. Maybe, my inaction is partly to blame. Unfortunately, life is full of first time events and situations that we are not prepared for.

**GIRLS NIGHT OUT

I thought that maybe she found someone else. She insisted that there was no one else. So when where and why did the idea of divorce come from? The only activity she had that I did not take part in, was her women's group. They got together several times a month for a "girl's night out."

Her request for a divorce lead to many conversations between us. I wanted, no demanded, to know what had precipitated this situation. Contrary to my expectations she only praised our relationship, lifestyle and social interactions. So, if everything was so great, why the divorce?

After a lot of talking, heartbreak, sobbing and anger she told me. In her girl's night out there were women with stories of a free lifestyle before marrying. Several women who were currently single, either by divorce or choice had stories of their own. They recounted stories of sexual adventures with different men, since there was nothing and no one to answer to. They spoke of the advantages of a free lifestyle. They could do what they wanted, when they wanted. That included sleeping with whom they wanted. They made it sound like a wonderful and worthwhile experience.

Some of the married women had stories of what they did before they married. It was when they sowed their wild oaks without answering to anyone. They lamented the loss of what had been exciting. Those stories increased my wife's resentment at not having stories of her own. She felt cheated at what others had in life that she didn't.

She was always faithful to me. She didn't want to cheat on me, but she wanted stories of her own. Her answer was to divorce me. We would live apart so that she could live a free lifestyle without guilt, for an undefined period. When her curiosity was satisfied, and she had stories of her own, we could remarry and continue as we had before. This way she would not resent the loss of a free lifestyle that she never had. She was so sure of our love for each other that she was willing to give me everything in the divorce settlement, except what she needed to live on.

I was devastated. Our children were devastated. Both sets of parents were devastated. We tried reasoning with her. Both her married and single girlfriends tried reasoning with her. They told her that it was not, and would never be, the same as it was for them. They were young or never had the relationship she had with me. They envied her relationship with me. As much as they loved their husbands, it was not the same. She would never duplicate her current relationship and love she had with me. Still, stories by her single girlfriends and cheating wives painted a romantic and exciting adventure.

My parents and her parents tried to persuade her of the folly of her thoughts, to no avail. Our grown children, one of who was already married and the other engaged, intervened, to no avail. Her desire for a divorce was eroding the trust I always had in her. It didn't matter that something may or may not have been going on before she asked for this divorce. My imagination, fueled by her request, was damaging our future relationship, even if she stayed with me. At the same time she was damaging her relationship with our children, our parents, our friends, and everyone else that knew us.

Contrary to her claims, we all thought this was a cover-up for one or many affairs she had or was having. It was an unproven revelation that she denied, but in our minds, she had been cheating and now wanted to continue relationships that she either had or craved. The arguments went back and forth for several months as she insisted that the divorce and separation would not last forever. In the end it would strengthen her relationship with our children and me. As much as we tried to impress on her that the damage done till now could possibly be repaired. Once the divorce was finalized and she moved out, there was no turning back.

Before our children entered their teens My wife had returned to the workforce and earned decently, so it was possible for her to support herself, on her own.

"And what am I supposed to do while you are running around with other men, and I assume fucking them?" I asked. "Sex is an intimacy that strengthens relationships. It is an expression of love. What am I to do while you are doing this? What am I to think and feel while you are persuing your adventure? How do I know for sure that you will want to return to me?"

"You'll be free to do what you want, as long as you remember that you love me and we will be getting back together again."

"Life changes people. What makes you sure that either one of us will want to get back together again?"

"I have faith in our love," she said.

"Once the bonds of our love and marriage are broken, we will both change. Even now the family and I think there is more to this than what you are telling us."

"Why can't everyone see my side of this, the logic of this? Would you rather I cheat on you behind your back? Do you want me to go through the rest of my life, resenting that I never had a time when I lived a free lifestyle? I am giving you practically everything we have gained during the years of our marriage, in the divorce."

"I could threaten you," I said, "but then you would do what you want anyway, so what's the use?"

Every time she explained what she wanted to do, it was with sobs and tears, that it was creating so much hurt, and that was not what she intended.

"When you hurt people, you supposedly love, they will avoid more hurt from you. They will avoid you, as will I," I said.

"It hurts me that I am hurting everyone I love. But I am sure that everyone will get over the temprary hurt and realize that I need this to feel complete and continue life. After all, don't we all love each other?"

"I am questioning your love for me now. Love has limits," I said. "There may not be forgiveness."

"You are only saying that, because your hurt. After a decent time you'll forgive me and understand how this is better for all of us," she countered.

"My parents are understandably hurt and angry as are our children. But your own parents are telling you not to do this," I said.

"My parents are old. They married late in life. They did everything I want to do now. They don't understand. They don't remember. They'll come around later, I am sure of it," she said.

After several months of arguing back and forth between her and the rest of the family and friends I received the divorce papers. Everything was according to what she said it would be. A handwritten note was attached, "if you fight me, I'll fight for more than what I am currently giving you. I'll move out on the day you sign the papers. I've already arranged for a place to live."

The divorce papers were indeed generous to me. I got to keep almost everything. Since the children were already on their own, there was no point of contention. She was taking her personal items, a few pieces of furniture, some pictures and her car. The house was fully paid, and it would be mine. She had already taken out credit cards, and car insurance, in her name only.

The night before I signed the papers and she would move out, she wanted a last night of lovemaking. My hurt from her betrayal was too much for me to stay in the same bed with her. I slept that night in the guest bedroom and promised myself that if she really moved out, I would throw "our" bed and all of the linens we ever shared in the garbage.

We always had a great sex life, or so I thought. Once she brought up the divorce, all my sexual interest in her died. She kept prompting me to share our bed one last night. I just wasn't interested as much as she coaxed and teased me. I responded to her request for one last night by telling her to leave me alone in the guest bedroom. I needed my sleep. My only thoughts were that within the next week she would be in bed with another man, maybe a stranger. I was too depressed to think or want sex with her.

There were times since she brought up the divorce where she seemed to understand what she was leaving behind. She teared, sobbed and cried, then recuperated and insisted on the divorce.

**SHE WAS GONE

The evening of the day she moved out of "my" house, the house was full of people who sympathized with me. It was like a wake for a beloved departed one. I was grateful for the support as I thought about her all alone, or maybe not alone. Maybe she was now free to entertain somebody new, or somebody familiar. I didn't want to know. I was happily distracted by people around me who cared for me, my children and family.

During the next week I took time off from work to settle our, now my, financial matters. Even though she left all our common account credit cards with me and had herself taken off our health care, car and other insurances, I made sure that only my name remained on any and all previously common accounts/documents.

Every night I came home to an empty house and cried. I understood what she told me, but I still questioned whether I did something to precipitate it. Maybe I could have been more proactive and initiated more activities for the both of us? What could I have done differently to keep our marriage together?

Like anyone, when you don't know the truth, you imagine, as in this case, the worst. As I sat and cried I imagined her in bed with other men. Even at 43 years old she was a good-looking woman. Her job brought her into contact with a lot of people. It was easy to envision that many guys knowing she was available, would target and conquer her, to her delight.