It Was an Even Split

IT WAS AN EVEN SPLIT

If you were to ask anyone who knows me to use one word to describe me, I would bet 9 out of 10 would say 'Fair.' Not 'fair' as in just above poor but not good 'fair', but reasonable, just, honest, truthful 'fair.' During my life, this sense of fairness has been paired with traits of being dependable, hard-working, responsible and trustworthy. These traits led me to the establishment of a thriving packaging business. We bid on the right to making the packaging for all kinds of products so that they can be shipped without damage. Some people say I am made out of cardboard, bubble wrap, snowman poop, and held together by packing tape. I don't care. Our packages have become known for their reliability. Several companies have returned to us after they went with a cheaper bid and then suffered higher breakage rates, thus making the cheaper packaging more expensive in the long run.

My wife, Andrea, of 15 years and I are an 'opposites attract' marriage. She is beautiful, spontaneous, emotional and vivacious. And, well, I'm the opposite. We have two children, boys, aged 13 and 11. In spite of twice being a mother, Andrea has maintained a slim figure. Her breasts are slightly bigger now and she is even more well-proportioned than before. We had what I considered a near-perfect marriage and family life. I'm afraid I left out one important personality flaw I have: I was clueless about what my wife was really doing in her spare time.

Andrea spent the first few years of our marriage preparing for children. Once we were ready, the pills were thrown away. It did not take long to have the two boys. I got snipped soon after. Our home life was busy, but happy. Most things were centered around the boys. Andrea seemed happy in her roles as mother and wife. I helped with the boys as much as I could. I thought I was paying enough attention to my wife also.

When the boys got older, Andrea suggested childcare before school age. She wanted to make sure they were prepared academically and socially for public school. I agreed. Now that she had spare time, she got a part-time teaching job at the community college. It was two nights a week. We adjusted our schedules and I took over a couple of chores that were previously hers.

Our lives did not change much in the next couple of years. I remember when she said that she had to leave earlier on school nights to have time to prepare the classroom and review the lesson. That was the first red flag I missed. She came home later and was often too tired for sex. Second red flag missed. Soccer matches and weekend trips were more and more for me and the boys and not for Andrea. The ground was beginning to be covered in red flags. I guess I stepped over them without noticing.

Andrea announced one day out of the blue that she was filing for divorce. She was still teaching courses in English part-time at the community college. I was informed by her that she had fallen head over stiletto heels for a non-traditional student in one of her classes. Non-traditional usually meant a person who had not gone straight to college from high school. In this case the young man had served in the military after high school and was now going to college on the GI Bill. According to my wife, the young man (some ten years younger than my wife) came to her office one day asking what he could do to improve his grade in her class. She was immediately taken by his good looks and fit physique which she soon found out included an eight-inch penis. Basically, she fell in lust. He earned a better grade and she acquired a lover.

Somewhere along the way, she changed her student's status from lover to soul mate. Andrea wanted, she said needed, to be with him all the time. The solution was easy - divorce me and move him in with her and the boys. By taking 50% of all our assets, especially my business, she and he could afford for him to stay in college and have a good life. There was no stated concern about what would happen to me.

"Craig, it's just one of those things. When we married, I did truly love you with all my heart. Well, hearts can change. I still love you in some ways. You are a wonderful person. But, I am no longer IN love with you. Brad is my soul mate and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Please don't be too upset. I want to be fair to you in the divorce. All I want is my half of things we have accumulated since our marriage. I will stay in the house and the kids will live with me. I want the option to buy out your half or get half of the proceeds from the sale of the house. We each will keep our cars. I will get half of all liquid assets. I will become 50% owner of the business, but you will remain the manager. Alimony will be set at $3000 a month for three years. I am asking for $1000 a month in child support, but if I know you, you will probably spend more on the children than that. And, of course, you can see the boys often as you want. I think that would be a fair settlement, a 50/50 even split." She waited for my response.

"To say I am shocked is too mild a description. I had no idea you were so unhappy with me and our family. The boys will be devastated. It sounds like you have been planning this for a while. It would have been nice to have talked about this before you made up your mind."

"I was afraid of hurting you. By the time I realized what I wanted for sure, it was too late. I'm sorry."

"You could at least have let me know how inadequate you thought . . . "

Andrea interrupted, "Craig, it's not that I was unhappy with you as much as I think Brad will make me happier. He does make me so happy now that I think about him whenever we're not together. When we are together, I am happier than I have ever been. I just can't pass up the chance.

"Just because we divorce, our children should not have to suffer much if at all. The kids will still have both parents but now with there will be an extra father. A younger father who can do more sports activities with them and who has more time to be at home instead of working all the time."

"You make it sound as if a divorce would really be fair. As far as your proposed division of assets, I would be financially ruined. Taking half my business would force me to sell it."

"Craig, I'm not TAKING half your business. You will still be the manager. I will just be a 50% owner. You will still have half ownership AND you will get a salary as manager. As half owner, I will just get half the profits at the end of the year."

"But, Andrea, how can decisions be made if you can always claim you have equal say? For example, if I think that I need to make a large purchase which would cause the business to go into debt one year in order to make even more profit in future years, are you going to be willing to not make a profit that year? Are you going to have to approve all business decisions before I can make them? That could mean you will have to come to the factory every day. I can't work under those circumstances."

"No, silly, listen. I would let you continue to make all business decisions without me being involved. I believe you will make the right decisions. You're not going to sabotage your business just because you didn't like getting a divorce. If you don't believe me, I will put it in writing."

Suddenly, I had an idea

. "I am beginning to see how that might work. How about I put it in writing since I'm the one who handles all our finances? Then you can show it to a lawyer and sign it if it looks fair. One of the things I will insist on is that I have the discretion of how to divide all our joint assets to present to you at our final divorce meeting. The reason I need that is because of the way some of our assets are structured. Things like penalties for withdrawing early some of our monies can be lessened if done a certain way. I will need the authority to make the decisions on how best for each of us to get half of what we deserve."

"Craig, I trust you. If there is anything that has been constant in our marriage, it's been your sense of fairness. I'll have my lawyer look at it as soon as you give it to me."

"Thank you. Andrea. I want you to know I have truly loved you, so believe me when I wish you and your soul mate all the happiness you deserve. Now I would like to take my children out to dinner. Would you like to explain to them what is happening, or would you like me to?"

"I thought we would do it together."

"I don't know if I could do that without breaking down emotionally. I would appreciate it if you would let me."

"Actually, it would take a big weight off my shoulders. I have wondered how I could explain things to them."

"They are both mature to still be preteens. You might be surprised how much they can understand."

*****

I waited anxiously for the agreement to be returned from Andrea. I was surprised her lawyer let me be so general in what control I was to have in dividing the assets. I'm sure she told him that it was okay because I had always been fair. What she did not realize is that I was always very detailed in my business agreements so as to preempt any disagreements later if something went wrong. Being specific in agreements tended to prevent future claims of unfairness. I now saw my divorce as a business agreement. I could now go to work on dividing our assets. She thought it was fair to destroy our marriage, our family and my business in order to have the lover she preferred over me. I thought it would only be fair to do as much as I could to do the same to her.

THE DIVORCE HEARING

Andrea, her lawyer and her soul mate, Brad, sat on one side of the table. My lawyer and I were on the other. They were surprised at the amount of materials that were on the table. They asked what all of this was.

I explained that today was meant to be the final meeting regarding the division of assets and other conditions of the divorce. I had brought all the assets I could to the meeting except the actual house and the business.

First, I showed them the title to my wife's car. I had had my name removed from the title. I showed her where I had had her name removed from the title of my car. That was fine with her and her lawyer.

Secondly, I showed her two identical bags of cash. I told her that I liquified all our assets like checking, savings, IRAs and pensions. The cash was equally divided and placed in the bags. Her lawyer asked how was his client supposed to know if there was more money in my bag than hers. Andrea looked at her lawyer crossly and said, "Craig wouldn't do anything like that." I merely said that she could have either bag she wished. He still did not look satisfied. Lover boy immediately took the bag Andrea had chosen and started looking inside.

I was beginning to explain about the house, when Brad exclaimed, "The money is all messed up!" He poured part of the contents of the cash on the table. There were numerous one hundred dollars bills. More accurately there were halves of a lot of one hundred-dollar bills.

"Where the fuck are the other halves of the bills? You have to have more than half a bill to use it."

I couldn't resist. "Such language young man. You must have had a very poor English teacher." The other side of the table all had frowns on their faces. I figured that 'looks that could kill' would be next. "It should be obvious. The other halves are in my bag. I divided the money in half as promised." I could have resisted the smirk on my face, but I didn't.

Andrea's attorney rose and yelled. "Your smart-ass stunt will get you nowhere. I'll have a judge force you to provide money that can be used by my client. We are done here."

"Don't you want to know how else I have divided the assets before you leave? You might have more things to tell the judge." He sat down.

I continued, "The house. I just had an aerial photo made. You can see that someone has taken a large chainsaw and sawed the house in half."

I paused while Andrea gasped, "My beautiful house! What have you done to it?"

"As with the bags of money,

dear

, you may have your choice of which half will be yours. One half has the bathrooms and the other half has the kitchen. I wanted you to know that to help you choose. I have arranged for separate utilities for each half once you decide which half you want."

"How could you? I thought you would be fair."

"How have I not been fair? We both are getting half." She was left sputtering.

"Let's continue." I showed her the jewelry boxes from the safe. Andrea groaned in anticipation of what I would present. I lived up to her expectations. Necklaces and bracelets were cut in half. Matching earrings were split between boxes. The hardest thing to have done was to split the diamond and emerald rings. It cost me a lot to have it done, but the expression on her face was worth it.

"But that is my jewelry. You had no right to cut them in half. Those diamond rings won't be worth anything in that condition!"

"You requested ALL our assets be divided equally. You did not ask that any assets be left out of the division. 'Ownership' is not the issue. The issue is that we each get half of every asset."

Child support was the next issue. Andrea interrupted. "I suppose you're going to propose I take one child and you take the other or are you going to cut them both in half too?"

"I thought about having us each take one child, but children are not assets. Children should live with their mother when in their best interests. It is the child support that should be split so we each are paying half the expenses for the child. I am proposing that my half of child support be unlimited BUT be given to you in the form of one half of any and all purchases of what they need. Whether it's groceries, clothes or school supplies/fees, you just have to show me the cost and I will pay my half. I will require a receipt of course." The other side of the table just sat there fuming. Gosh, this was even more fun than I hoped.

"As far as alimony, you have replaced me as your husband, therefore, it is Brad's responsibility to provide for you as I have. Good luck Brad, I just hope she doesn't replace you like she did me. I've heard that cheaters always cheat. I hope that doesn't mean that you will always wonder why she was late one day or what she was doing at one of those teacher conferences or what happens when she has another handsome male student in her classes. Good luck.

"Now the biggie: the business. Here are the photos that were just taken at the plant. As you can see, there is a wide strip of red tape going down the middle of the plant. Again, you can choose whichever side of the plant you want. The two sides of the plant will operate separately as standalone operations. As the manager of both sides, I have decided that in the near future, say right after our divorce is final, one half will soon stand down and be re-tooled to make a new product that is still in the drafting stages. I'm afraid that half will have temporary, but indefinite, lay-off. You will get the profits of which ever half of the business you choose."

"I think that about covers it." I grinned.

Again, Andrea's attorney spoke. "Your attempt at humor will fall flat when this is presented to a judge. The damage you have done to the assets will be made up from what your half of the settlement should be. See you in court."

"Thanks. Have a nice second half of the day."

Andrea was in tears. "How could you be so cruel?"

"Well, I found out that there was this huge pot of cruelty hidden in our house that I didn't know about until recently. You took your half of the pot first when you came up with the idea of dumping your husband, destroying your family, and trying to ruin my business. I took the half of the cruelty that was left to make your half of your 'winnings' as worthless as possible. Seems like a fair deal to me."

It took several months for there to be a trial. I stayed in the house after I had put plastic tarp over the cut down the middle of the house. Andrea never said which half she wanted, so I used both sides. She was hurting for money and had to borrow to pay for her own car insurance and health insurance as I had taken her off my policy through our business. With the liquid assets in hundred-dollar bills that could not be spent, Andrea was forced to send me the lists of what our children needed so I could buy them what they needed. I only paid half of the mortgage, insurance, and utilities bills until the trial.

The boys were happy to see me because they were crowded into lover boy's one-bedroom apartment and their mother could not afford to take them out for dinner. For some reason, she didn't want to live in half a house. Our boys had been promised their good life would return as soon as their father regained his senses, or a judge forced him to. I received loans from my friends to keep my lifestyle the same.

Finally, the trial began. My wife's attorney said the divorce should have been simple and amicable. Both parties had agreed to an even split of assets. In order to punish his wife who was seeking the divorce, the defendant, me, perverted the process by using the Clintonian defense of semantics to literally split the assets instead of figuratively split the assets so that the halves retained their original value.

My lawyer said, "The case IS simple. My client was given the power by the plaintiff to split the assets however HE deemed appropriate. There should be no contesting that the assets were split equally. We can show the document that proves the plaintiff agreed to let my client make the decisions. Now the plaintiff wants to change the deal after the fact. That should not be allowed."

Once the judge heard how I had literally split the assets, he took the unusual step to just ask my lawyer if the plaintiff was factually correct. My attorney said that it had been stated correctly, but the issue was that the husband was given the power to do it. The judge said, "I'm putting this nonsense out of its misery. The defendant is hereby given 30 days at his own expense to restore the value of all assets to their former status. The plaintiff's portion will be given at 60% of value at the time of the initial divorce petition plus $1500 a month alimony for five years and $1500 a month in child support. The plaintiff will be given one half of the profit of the business on a monthly basis or half of the profit from the sale of said business. Case closed."

Neither I nor my lawyer were surprised. The pleasure I wanted was achieved. I hope Andrea, her lover, and her attorney were wary of the smirk I still had on my face. I had in fact counted on the ruling. There were several actions I had taken well before the judge's decree.

PHASE II SCORCHED EARTH

Andrea's attorney had not frozen our assets at the time of the first filing for divorce because, I'm sure, that she had convinced him I would not take advantage of her. He had them frozen after our hearing. Too late. I anticipated a ruling dismissing my division of assets, so several weeks before the hearing I secretly sold my business and put the money overseas. I gave all my employees a bonus. I took back the split bags of money and paid college students to tape the bills back together as instructed. Instead of sending half of the newly whole bills to Andrea, I sent that money overseas. I gave my lawyer access to an account I had set up just to pay expenses for the kids. I left the house as it was. I left the country.

Once I was settled in the non-extradition country, I contacted my children to tell them what I had done and to apologize for leaving them without saying good-bye. I told them truthfully that I would have given them the chance to go with me, but they did not have passports and it would have taken both parents' permission. I promised I would keep up with them over the internet and see them when I could. When I got a reply, they made it clear they were mad at me and my mother both. They also didn't like their new 'asshole father' nor he them.