It Started With Not Feeling Good Ch 04

Social Worker: "You both appear to be upset today. Who wants to talk about it first?"

Carol nods to John, but he shakes his head no.

Social Worker: "John, for the past 4 sessions you've arrived with the same attitude. And from what I can see, you and Carol have hit a plateau. What do you think?"

John, looking angry shakes his head no, but no one else says a thing or makes a move. This has happened several times before in their sessions. Finally, he starts to speak. "I thought that counseling was supposed to help me, not keep me angry. We keep talking about things that happened before, choices I made and all I get is more and more angry. I may be a truck driver, but I never swore like one. AND I COULD NOW." With that, he clammed up, holding his arms tightly around him.

Social Worker: "What is triggered you, what is pulling at you? You've said some very strong things in the past, and yet we listened and did not melt from your fire."

John: "Sometimes I feel like I wasted my life. I thought getting married was a great thing, but Carol started changing, and it was not for the better. I always kept hoping that things would get better, but they never really did. The kids took 25 years of our lives. I am glad we had them, but I never realized until Carol's extra sex on the side, how out of the loop I was for MY OWN GOD DAMN LIFE."

"I did my best, I did everything a husband and father was supposed to do. I NEVER STRAYED." He closed his eyes and jerked from trying to control his sobbing.

Carol was beginning to say something, but the Social Worker cut her off. "I've never heard you tell Carol how angry you are at what she did. You have always spoken about it in very controlled measures. When we had our first session, I asked if letting her go first was a way to buy peace. You both have looked at the costs of buying peace."

"John, could you now talk to Carol, like she used to talk with you? Your content, her methods, loud voices, hand and arm gestures, the whole bit. Can you try to do it?"

John looked at the both of them in shock. He never yelled, his anger was always pulled into himself. There it was under control, it didn't hurt anybody. Well that was what he thought. He knew now that wasn't the case. But actually act like a destructive in-you-face Italian? He shook his head no.

But Carol held his hand. "John, please try. You know that I survived under the master, my father. I'm still alive. Please try."

John looked at the two of them. Losing control and hurting other was something he vowed to never do. He remembered scenes from his youth. Still, he was tired of being depressed most of his life. What was going to be worse, depression, or getting angry and learning to not destroy everybody around him. He nodded yes.

"How the fuck could you treat me, anybody, like you did for so many years? How could anybody. NO. HOW COULD YOU ACT LIKE SUCH A JERK FOR YEARS? A SELF ASOBORBED JERK, running over anybody and anything that you felt annoyed with. HOW COULD YOU?"

"That was bad because it affected our entire family. But then, to show how powerful and important you were, YOU BROKE OUR MARRIAGE. JUST BECAUSE YOU WERE GOD DAMNED LONELY? JUDGE JURY AND EXECUTIONER." At that he stood up and stared to flail his hands in the air.

John's highly controlled emotional dam was breached, and the emotions of years started to spill out of him on to the floor, over Carol and the Social Worker. For the next 10 minutes, he never stood down and he never stopped talking. He didn't pre-censor any thoughts, but let them all flow out. It was a volcano blowing up.

When he was spent, he sat down on the chair. He was emotionally empty, but in a good way. He didn't see Carol get on her knees at his side, and jumped when she hugged him saying she was so sorry for the damage she had done. She was crying too.

John hugged Carol back, an honest hug, not a hug to make peace, but a hug of connection between the two of them.