It Started with Not Feeling Good

Session 5 Marital Counseling

Social Worker: "You both seem to be a bit upset today."

Carol: "We were talking just before we came in here. John has decided to get rid of our bed and replace it totally; bed, mattress, box spring, sheets and comforters. Everything."

Social Worker: "Why is that an issue for you? You two are still living apart."

Carol: "That bed is not that old. The mattress and box spring have more years left on the warranty. I spent a fortune when we upgraded to the king size bed from the queen that we had for years. It's a waste."

At this point Carol held up her hand to stop anyone else from speaking. She then added slowly and softly, with some hesitation, "This is our 5th martial session, and we have not addressed my being unfaithful to John and our marriage. I know that John may have thought that I defiled that bed like I defiled our marriage. I told him that nothing ever happened at our house. This bed is innocent. I was not."

Social Worker: "John, tell us what you think."

John: "It was true, at least before Carol told me, that I thought this bed was the scene of destruction for me. I can accept that it wasn't. But I want to get rid of it. We got it when our youngest was a junior in high school. It is so big that I never knew if she was in the bed with me when we were sleeping."

"I'm an in-town and an over-the-road trucker. I sleep alone more than I ever want to. Sleeping in this bed was like sleeping alone. Sometimes I couldn't tell when she got up, or came back to sleep. I don't like sleeping alone."

Carol had a look of shock on her face and the other two saw it. She held up her hand to hold them quiet. "John, burn that bed, get rid of it, give everything about it away." She paused. "That is when it started. That was it."

John: "What?"

Carol: "That was when I was slipping away from you. Hearing you I can see it so clearly now. We got that king sized bed, and I no longer felt your presence at night. Like when you were on the road, but it was all the time after that. BURN THAT BED. BURN THAT GOD DAMNED BED."

At that point, both Carol and John looked at one another. With all the hell they had gone through, they found and agreed on the starting point. Their minds were running a thousand miles a minute, with out a word being said. It was several minutes before the therapist broke the silence.

Social Worker: "Looks like you both discovered something. What does that mean to each of you?"

They looked at each other and Carol nodded to John to begin. She had learned it was the little things that made or broke a partnership. She was starting to learn to bring John out, to give him a place in their lives. To be a team, not to be in control. Right now that place was only 3 hours a week.

John: "That was when I started to feel alone. It was bad when you would get on your high horse and try to control the world around you. And I was a big part of the world, along with the kids. But by that time, we had two out of the house, in college. The last was going in 2 years. And the great recession started. My trucking job was no longer steady; I had to take more cross country hauls to keep us afloat. Just at the time I needed you more, you were farther away. All I could do was to keep going. Put food on the table, pay the mortgage, and pay what ever tuition I could. I was the health insurance. It was on me. Nose to the grindstone. I was on the road and when I was home, you were farther away emotionally and physically."

Carol: "I remember getting more angry with you at that time. We were going through hard times, tense times, and you pulled away. Your cross country hauls kept us going, but you were gone. I was lonely for you. When you were on the road, I cried myself to sleep after the youngest would go to bed. When you came back, you were distant."

"What I did was wrong, so very wrong. I was wrong to start something for what ever bullshit reason. But I should be damned to have continued it."

Social Worker: "Are you both ready to talk about how it started?" With tears, both nodded yes.

Carol: "I was lonely, and starting to get to wits end. So much was inside of me that was about to burst out of me. Even then I knew I could do some real damage to anyone I came across. By this time, I burned out most of my girlfriends. They had problems too."

"My boss at work saw that I was not my normal bitchy self, I was depressed. That is not good when working with customers. So he started to talk with me about things. I opened up to him. Things I should have been saying to you John, I was saying to him because he would listen. That was all that went on. He was a safe sounding board for me. I never had a male friend that could do that with. I had burned out my girlfriends, so this was a port in the storm."

"Looking back on it, I realized now that the kids thought I was having an affair. I was. I was intimate with him, just not sexual. It felt good to feel like I was wanted for just being me, not a mom, not a wife that had to take care of the laundry and cook meals."

"Our lives stabilized. Your job became the norm and we got used to it. We grew a little bit closer, but only a little. You know how I act when things aren't right. Bitch, moan, complain and generally make life miserable for everyone around me. You've seen that all these years. Only now I can own it and from these sessions we've talked about what we should do about it. You say something and I deal with it. I've learned to not have to defend everything. We've been successful the times we'd tried, haven't we?" John nodded yes.

"Then we didn't do it that way. I'd bitch and moan, you'd withdraw even further. I couldn't talk with you about it without making it worse. And if you brought it up, I'd get angry and castrate you and your efforts. There was no way to win. You even brought up counseling, but I was so angry and full of myself that I shot that down big time. John, you married a stupid self centered idiot."

John: "You did too."

Carol now had tears welling up in her eyes. "You're just saying that to make me feel better. No, I didn't marry an idiot. I married a caring man that always looked out for me. And I payed him back with being unfaithful and staying unfaithful. No John, you got the short end of the stick."

John: "We both married people who are not perfect. We lost our way after raising our three kids, and we raised them well. We forgot about each other after the raising was over. You were lost in your anger; I was lost in my depression. We both lacked courage."

Carol: "But I moved on from being just emotionally intimate. I was at work when a coworker made a pass at me. It shocked me at first, but I didn't stop him. It made me feel good, guilty, but good. That is when the rationalizations started flooding my mind. I didn't ask for it, I didn't lead him on, but I didn't say no. Someone was paying attention to me."

"It started to snowball after that. When the heavens didn't open up and take me, I thought, what the heck. When you were on the road, making a living for us, a stolen kiss progressed to meeting for drinks after work. Then longer kisses, then groping each other at the bar. Finally, it was the back seat of his car, then a hotel. I DIDN'T STOP WITH HIM. I DID THIS TO YOU. I WAS UNFAITHFUL AND TRAMPLED ON YOU AND OUR FAMILY." At that, she held her face in her hands and cried. John didn't reach over to console her, the feelings had overwhelmed him and he too sobbed.

"Then I did worse, if there can be anything worse than this. He left for another job and that is when I started working for Bill Ross. He went after me. I had a reputation by that time. I welcomed his attention and his touching. I wasn't hurting anybody, nobody would know. I got company whenever you were out of town. I destroyed my husband and my family in those two years. I also destroyed his family too. Yes, he was responsible for what he did to his family, but I was part of that too."

"John, I cannot ask you for forgiveness. What I have done has been so vile that I cannot ask for forgiveness."

Social Worker: "John, what is going on inside of you? Tell us about it."

Wiping the tears from his eyes with a tissue, John looked down, dejected. It was what he had to, but never wanted to hear. The only thing he did not hear was the details of what they did. He actually saw that on the laptops outside of the hotel room over a year ago. "I've missed you for years. I was working all I could to make a life for us, but you wouldn't allow a life for us. I always hoped that things would get better, but they didn't. I always wanted a marriage where I felt supported, but I never got it. I withdrew just to survive."

"I've been living with this for over a year, trying to come to terms with it. I've never wanted to hurt you, but there was always more of your father in you than was healthy for me. I understand that that is who you are. That core will never go away. I want to run away and hide now. Just pull back and wait for the pain and anger and the depression to ease its way out. Then it is back to normal. Low grade functioning normal."

"We've both learned things in the past 6 months. I know that I can't do that anymore. That is as hard for me to do as controlling your temper is for you." He reached over and took a sip of a water bottle. He was stalling for time. He knew it, so did she.

"I want to get beyond this. I want to get beyond this with you, but it is still raw. I've always been a sensitive man. My feelings get hurt with ease. I can't let this one roll over me, but I don't want to let it determine what I route I take in life." That was when Carol reached over and held his hand. Touching each other in the past several months was rare, it always had an outsized meaning for both of them.

Social Worker: "What do you two want to do?"

Carol: looked at John, and he nodded for her to go ahead. "John, we have more things to work out. Can we both keep doing what we have in the past 5 weeks? I want so much to be solid with you, and I'm not willing to take any chances."

John: "That would be good for me too." And he stood up and hugged her, like he had at their granddaughter's birth.