It Started with Not Feeling Good

With all the grief I received with the original story, (It was an experiment on my part), I received a request to add additional chapters. I realized that there were only a handful of stories that I read at this website that actually covered a counseling sessions.

If you feel that an unfaithful partner deserves the gates of hell, please do not continue and go onto another story. However, if you feel that a relationship of 25+ years, children, grandchildren can have an effect on people, then please read on. Life and people are messy.

By the way, I have relatives and many friends in the counseling 'business'. My knowledge has been gleamed from hearing 40 years of nameless and faceless stories of people attempting to better their lives.

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Session 1 Martial Counseling

Carol and John were sitting in the marriage counselor's office.

Social Worker: "When you set the appointment, you spoke about your marriage was near divorce because of unfaithfulness. What are you here for today? What do you want to accomplish?"

John: "I'm not sure. Having a grandchild opened me up to talking together. Right now not so sure. Her cheating. It all really hurts."

Carol: "I really fucked up, I've lost so much. I still know that I can never undo what I've done. I want my family back, I don't know if it is possible."

Social Worker: "This is how I work. Everything in this room, everything said is confidential. It does not leave this room unless you both agree. Each person needs to be heard and to hear themselves. We will develop realistic solutions, look at patterns of behavior and look at how your relationship works, or doesn't."

"In short, what is said in here stays in here. We will listen to one another and ourselves and figure out workable ways to solve our problems. And finally, we need to see how we act and what is triggered in ourselves and the other."

"I will be asking questions of both of you, but I will try to let you both guide where we go. Although sometimes I will over rule if I feel that it is necessary. Any immediate questions?"

Both Carol and John nodded no, then the Social Worker asked John directly, "How did this all come to a head?"

John: "My children took the lead when I found out I had an STD. My daughter is my doctor. They confirmed what I had dreaded. They took the lead in the discovery and the break up too."

"However, upfront they said that I needed to make the decision to end the marriage. I let it ride the past year. Our son, my lawyer kept delaying the divorce until I gave him the go ahead. He never got it from me."

"My youngest son met Carol and found out she was going to a therapist. My daughter spent several hours with her the next day. Ann is pregnant. Having a grandchild on the way changes things for everybody."

"I found out later that my therapist is in the same practice as Carol's and they were authorized to consult with other as they saw fit. They agreed with each other to recommend the marriage group to us individually. I didn't know Carol was going to be there."

Carol: "I didn't know John would be there either. In the new person introductions, I figured I had one shot with John, just one. I thought he would leave as soon as possible. So I just said what I was and what I felt."

Social Worker: "What was that?"

Carol: "I can't remember the exact words, but it included I was a whore."

John said with no anger "Self centered whore, a cheating self centered whore." Carol looked at John in a bit of shock. He continued looking directly at her, "Carol, It was the start of you speaking openly and honestly, not pretending, not hiding. I didn't say this to be mean, I said it was because it was so important to me, that I heard it directly from you."

Carol looked on but not in anger and continued, "When ever I had trouble with life, I abused others to deal with it. I was brutally honest about me, probably the first time in decades."

John nods yes.

Social Worker: "What did you think you were going to accomplish? If he stayed and did not run away like you feared?"

Carol: "I needed to show him - and me - that I was not the same. At that time it was over 4 months in therapy finding out about who I am, what I think, what I was afraid of, how I protected myself. I WAS DIFFERENT."

Social Worker: "John, why did you stay?"

John: "As I said before, I started to hear honesty out of her. She was taking responsibility for what she did. There was a grandchild in the wings now. I also saw the hole with our adult children, especially our daughter. I could not bear to cause them more pain, needless pain. They were as upset with this as I was."

Social Worker: "What about you? What else was there?"

John: "I wanted, no I needed, needed very much closure of any sort. I kept putting it off. When the Marriage group session was over, we went to Starbucks for tea. We went there after every meeting."

Social Worker: "What did you talk about?"

Carol: "We did not talk about the heavy deep issues. For me that would have been very scary. I would have done it, but I knew I wasn't ready. John, you didn't look like you were ready either," looking directly at John, "were you?"

John: "I wanted to, but I couldn't. I'm full of anger and depression. And fear, fear too. I don't trust my self. We were meeting after the Marriage group session for three months. I felt we were just dancing around the issues. Neither of us could bring things up."

"I learned much from that group, but I don't trust myself. I've been seeing my therapist for a while, and I know my limits. I knew that I couldn't do this unaided."

Carol: "I've been feeling that way too. It took a lot for me to become ashamed for what I've done. I've realized that I've damaged everybody around me. To be honest, I'm grateful for any contact with my family at all."

Social Worker: "I'm going to ask you both a series of questions and each of you need to give us all as honest as possible answers. Who wants to go first? I will alternate asking each of you." Carol and John both nodded yes, but John waved Carol to be first.

Social Worker: "John, why did you let Carol go first?"

John looking a bit surprised, "Well? I always let her go first."

Social Worker: "Why is that? Take your time with this answer."

John thought about it for a couple of minutes. "Carol is aggressive and I'm more laid back. She tends to want to have things quicker, faster, no patience for anything. I used to get run over a lot, so I just let her go first and not deal with it. It was not worth the fight."

Social Worker: "Would it be going out on a limb to say that this was a way to buy peace?" John nodded yes, "Do you agree Carol?"

Looking a little bit flustered, she closed her eyes and spoke softly. "If what you are saying is that I'm a bitch, then that is correct."

Social Worker: "Lets not take the term bitch into this Carol. Why the lack of patience? What were your goals? What was important to you to do this?"

Carol: Getting a bit agitated; she got a scowl on her face.

Social Worker: "This is a difficult question for you, isn't it? Please take your time."

At that point, Carol's face went from anger to nearly crying. John reached out and held her hand with out saying a word. Then she did start to cry.

Carol: "I've just started looking at this in my sessions. Remember, my father was southern Italian. He had no patience, no patience with anyone, no patience with me. That is how I treat others."

Social Worker: "John, what does that do to you?"

Taking his time and thinking about it carefully. "I always felt dumped on, less than human, not a man, not a husband. I was a hired hand. I needed to protect myself from it. I knew it would pass, so I just endured it. Tried to not let me get hurt by it. It caused me to live in my head. I had a three kids I was responsible for too."

Social Worker: "Carol, How did John interact with you after you both would interact like this?"

Carol: "He would clam up. That got me doubly mad. He was not who I demanded him to be. I was good in everything, the world had to be as good as me. I'm realizing now that I was out of control, and he wouldn't stop me. I would not let him stop me even if he tried. NO, bitch is a good term for me."

At this point tears begin to well up in John's eyes. For the first time since that day at the motel, she reached over and held his hand quietly. He jumped at her touch, but held her hand back.

The session ended a few more minutes. All agreed to continue their individual councilors and the marriage group.