One memorable day I arrived home from work and noticed new neighbors moving into the little rental house next door.
I only caught a glimpse of a young woman going into the house, but the man stood outside. He looked young too, and I learned later that he was 20 years old. He was fairly tall but scrawny. For some reason he was frowning at me.
"I'm John," I introduced myself to my new neighbor and shook his hand. "Welcome to the neighborhood."
"I'm Bob," he replied, still frowning. "You people sure do wear fruity clothes," he stated while glaring at my shirt.
I looked down. That day I happened to wear a pale pink shirt with my suit. I usually wore white shirts but changed it up occasionally with a blue, yellow or pink shirt. "My people? You mean bankers?"
"Gays," he said as if that was obvious.
"Oh, I'm not..."
He cut me off. "I'm not prejudiced," he said, "but the Bible says sodomy is a sin. All you gays are big sinners."
I gawked at him. What kind of idiot goes around randomly spouting stuff like that? I decided to play along for laughs. "Don't knock it until you try it," I said and rested a hand on his arm.
His eyes looked down at my hand on him, then back up at me, then down at my hand, and back up at me. Then he stormed into his house without another word.
I chuckled to myself and muttered, "What an asshole."
==
The next day I went home for lunch and saw my new neighbor's wife unloading groceries from her car.
Holy fuck, I thought. My asshole neighbor had a gorgeous wife!
She was tall and slim to the point of almost being too skinny. It appeared that fat collected on her body in just two places: her tits and to a lesser extent on her ass. God damn, she had a bouncy rack. Tits that high and proud were only possible on a young woman, and I later learned that she was 19, less than half my age of 40. She wore a long, loose, shapeless dress but it was impossible to hide a body like that.
She had shoulder length blonde hair and a classically pretty face. High cheekbones, cute little upturned nose and generous pink lips. Her eyes were icy blue.
"Let me help," I called out and quickly grabbed the last 4 grocery bags.
She flashed a bright smile and chirped, "Thanks!"
I followed her swaying butt into her kitchen. "I'm John," I introduced myself while she put away the groceries. "I met your husband yesterday."
"I'm Tracy," she replied with another smile, but then she hesitated. "Bob told me that you're gay."
"I'm not..." I started before she interrupted.
"I feel sorry for you people because you're all going to burn in Hell. It's so sad," she stated. To her credit she sounded genuinely sad.
What could I say in response? Seriously, what? I decided to continue my prank from the day before. "A leopard can't change his spots," I said in the sassiest flamboyant "gay" voice I could manage. Apologies to any gay men embarrassed by my caricature.
Tracy shocked me by rushing to wrap me in a hug. She looked up with tears in her eyes. "I hate to think of anyone burning in Hell forever," she sobbed.
Good lord, I thought, this girl is a nut job. But a super hot nut job. Her big soft tits felt wonderful pressed against my chest, and her weepy expression made her pretty face even more sensuously gorgeous. "Don't cry, honey," I tried to soothe her. "I'll be fine."
"But you won't be," she sobbed.
"Your concern is touching, Tracy. If I had a girl like you, I probably wouldn't be gay at all."
She immediately stopped sobbing and looked up into my eyes. "Do you mean that, John?" she asked hopefully. "We can do one of those intervention things and save your soul!" She'd done an abrupt emotional 180 and was positively giddy.
"Intervention? Um... I don't think..."
She interrupted yet again, "I'll talk to Bob about it when he gets home from work. Have dinner with us. Be here at 6:30, okay?"
"Dinner sounds good but..."
"I'm so excited!" she gushed. "I've never done an intervention before!" She kissed my cheek and hustled me out the door before I could say anything else.
I got nothing done the rest of the day at work because I daydreamed about my sizzling hot wacko neighbor Tracy.
I also thought about her "intervention" idea and dreaded the lunatic stuff she and her idiot husband would dream up to try to convert me to heterosexuality.
I decided to continue the prank by coming up with my own proposal for how an intervention would work. I used my work computer to create a fake instructional sheet entitled, "The Guaranteed Effective Christian Method for Saving the Souls of Homosexual Deviants".
The instructions were simple: "The Guaranteed Effective Christian Method is based on acclimatization through heterosexual dating. Effective treatment of the homosexual subject requires dates with a woman for at least 3 months to thoroughly purge him of deviant impulses. Frequent dates are recommended to discourage backsliding. 3 or more dates a week is ideal."
It continued, "The dates must be with a woman who is committed to the cause and is prepared to engage in heterosexual sex with the subject throughout the process of intervention. Sex should begin as early as possible and a wide variety of sexual techniques should be used to entice the subject away from his deviant desires."
The instructions concluded, "The intervention MUST NOT be ended before a full 3 months of dating treatments. Stopping midway may cause the subject to commit suicide. Do not interrupt the process for any reason after it is begun!"
I laughed as I reread my ludicrous creation and printed copies for Bob and Tracy.
At 6:30 that evening I knocked on my neighbor's front door. I wore a pink Polo shirt and skinny jeans I bought on the way home.
"Hi, John," Tracy greeted me at the door with a distinct lack of enthusiasm. She ushered me into the dining room where dinner was already on the table.
Bob sat there with his usual frown on his face. I ignored him. "What's wrong?" I asked Tracy.
She sighed. "We want to help you with an intervention, you know to make you straight, but we don't understand how. The information we found is psychological mumbo-jumbo."
I suppressed a laugh. "Oh," I said. "I was curious about this whole intervention thing, so I looked around on the internet and found this. It explains the process pretty simply. Very informative."
I handed them copies of the ridiculous "Guaranteed Effective Christian Method for Saving the Souls of Homosexual Deviants".
Bob began reading and quickly exclaimed, "Sex?! The intervention includes sex?"
"Well, duh, Bob," his wife replied. "How else are you going to turn a gay man straight?"
"I... it's just... I don't know," Bob sputtered ineffectually. "How will we find a woman to do it?"
"What do you mean 'find a woman'?!" Tracy asked him. She sounded highly insulted. "This is our intervention, Bob! I'll do it."
"What?!" Bob yelped. "No you will not!"
Tracy jumped to her feet and towered over her seated husband. Angry, she yelled, "Bob Tower, how selfish are you?! A man's eternal soul is at stake! I'm not going to let him burn!"