TONY
We both sat at the kitchen table in an awkward silence. I could even hear the second hand clicking on the clock in the living room. We were sitting 3 feet from each other, and you'd have thought we were in different time zones. Her eyes couldn't meet mine's, and I was still pretending that she wasn't here.
I got the feeling that she was trying to feel me out. Fair is fair, because that 's what I was doing. It was like we were two boxers, circling each other in the ring. We were looking for signs of weakness from our opponent, trying to time our attacks. Neither of us wanted to throw the first blow. We wanted to be able to see what our opponent had so we can effectively counter strike.
She was the first to go, but if this were a boxing match then she would have definitely landed an unexpected blow and left me dazed. I thought I knew what to expect from her, but what I got sent me hurling back into my corner.
"You scared me last night. You really did. I've never seen you that furious. When you threw my phone at me, I honestly thought that you were going to hurt me. I have never been that frightened of anyone." She paused to sniffle and I could see that she was on the verge of more tears.
"I was a-afriad to sleep in my own bed." She said in a voice that was barely above a whisper. She put her coffee down on the table and wiped her nose on the shirt that she was wearing. I finally looked up at her and my heart broke. No matter what she'd done, I never wanted her to see me as a monster. I wanted to shake her up, but not to the point that she was afraid that I would hurt her in the middle of the night. I pictured her huddled on the couch, jumping at every noise because she was sure that I was coming downstairs to vent some more anger. That image made me sick and ashamed of myself.
I was unable to think of what to say next. If I'm being honest, part of me felt justified for scaring the shit out of her. But also at the same time I was troubled with the level of anger that I had. I was out of control. When I threw the phone at her, all that I needed was for it have sailed a few inches to the right. Then this situation would have been completely different. Maybe even unrepairable. I would have gone to jail for assault (She sure as hell would've called the cops). That would have led to a series of unwanted repercussions. I would have lost my job, my family (my sister and my parents) would have jumped on me (we do not believe in hitting women under ANY circumstance), my kids would have the knowledge that all was not well with their parents, and our marriage in general would have taken on another form. Thank God for small miracles.
She wasn't finished yet. She looked me in the eyes. Her demeanor changed. The fear that she showed dissolved and became determined and resolute. "I understand that you were shocked and hurt by what you ...found. You had every right to be upset. I see that. Honestly, if you kicked my ass out and sent me to my sister's I would have had no one to blame but myself." She paused momentarily to show me the full impact of her next statement. " But if you ever make me afraid like that again..." She didn't even finish her sentence, but she didn't really have to. The look in her eyes conveyed the rest of the message.
I still hadn't said a word. I didn't have the ones that needed to come out yet. I was switching between being the justified wronged party and being the remorseful husband who was sorry for hurting his wife.
I'm sure she saw this conflict going on. Her face softened. She reached across the table and grabbed my hands. Her thumbs gently rubbed the my knuckles. I didn't snatch them away. Her touch was comforting, and let me know that my outburst last night had not changed her opinion of me. This undoubtedly encouraged her, because she gave me a small smile.
Then, her face changed. It became clouded and once again looked serious. "I want you to know that I had no intention of having sex with Brian."
Now it was my turn to look resolute. I didn't need to speak to let her know that this last statement was utter bullshit.
"I know that you don't believe me. There's no way that I can prove that now. But you have to trust me. I love you too much to ever do that to you. I would never..."
That's as far as she got before I got up from the table and left.
I was headed upstairs to the bedroom. I don't know why I went there. Hell, I had my car keys in my hand and I was fully dressed. If I really wanted to get away from her I would have just walked out the door. She would have had to make a choice between chasing me in a T shirt that barely covered her ass and some panties, or letting me go. But hindsight is 20/20, right?
I could tell she was on my heels. I heard her voice behind me, and I knew that she was still talking as I was retreating. Unfortunately, I don't speak bullshit. She could have been speaking Chinese and had a more fruitful conversation me.
I swung around and faced her. I moved so fast that she almost ran into me. I glared at her and huffed like bull does a matador. She cut her rant off in mid-sentence and stared at me.
"Selene, you told me that you never wanted to be afraid of me again, and that I should never make you feel as though I'm going to hurt you. But I have to honest right now. I am literally having visions of lacing my fingers around your neck to shut your lying mouth up. If you don't want to have to enforce the threat that you made earlier, you will give me some space until I figure out how to talk to you without leaving my kids without any parents. In the meantime, I suggest you figure out how to say what you have to say without lying." With that, I knocked her on her ass. Metaphorically of course. As she stood there in stunned silence I envisioned the referee starting the count. I went inside of the room and slammed the door shut
Whenever I need advice, I always call my big sister. Besides Selene, I think she is the smartest woman on the planet. She has never led wrong.
"Budget office. This is Tammy. How can I help you?"
"Tam, its me."
"Hey little bro. Did you call off today? You usually don't call me from your job."
"Yeah. I'm called off."
We both sat in silence for a moment. The implications of me not being at work was more massive than the words would suggest. I NEVER stayed home from work unless I took a vacation. I didn't do sick days. I went to work one time with a fever of 101. So my sister, who knows me almost as good as my wife, knew something was amiss.
"Spill it Tony. What's up?"
And that is how I spent the next 10 minutes. I filled her in on all of the texts that I found. I even told her about the "picture". Naturally, I left out the part of me trying to decapitate my wife with the phone (I needed her on my side, not telling me how wrong I was). She didn't interrupt me until I was done.
"So, have you talked to her?"
"Sorta"
"What's sorta?"
"Well, we try to talk, but then she starts lying and it goes to shit."
"What does she say when she starts lying?"
"She tells me that she never planned on sleeping with him. She says it's just innocent flirting. She says that she loves me. You know, all of the things that a lying cunt would say to cover her tracks. "
"Lying cunt? Wow, you are mad! Just don't do anything stupid Tony. You know how you can get with your temper"
