After the phone call with Ingrams HQ was done, April decided to have a beer in the pub, to celebrate. She'd been there every evening after work and this evening, as she appeared and took a seat, Bernie glanced over at her, didn't even blink, and just got her a pint of cider and placed it in front of her.
April was very pleased. She was a regular!
"You look happy?" inquired Bernie, and he wiped down the bar, glancing around. There more people than usual, but it was still not exactly crowded.
"A friend was just found back home. She'd been missing for a while - kidnapped or something," she said, as she took a long sip.
Bernie stopped wiping and stared at her. "For real? Kidnapped?
"Something like that," said April, wishing she'd not said anything.
"Wow, miss April. You guys out there live dangerously," said Bernie, as he returned to his wiping. "I expect you've been on the dog all day, no doubt," he said conversationally.
"The...dog?" asked April quizzically, putting down her glass.
"Dog and bone. Cockney rhyming slang," answered Bernie.
April just arched an eyebrow at him. She'd found this worked well to get explanations when the language let her down.
"There's this church, right? In east London. In Bow. Bromley by Bow, in fact. Anyway, it has this big old bell in it. When they ring the bell, if you were born in within hearing distance of the Bow Bell, then you are a true cockney. See, it's east London right? Where all the docks and stuff were, on the Thames Estuary. They had a ton of people show up on the ships there, all of who spoke different languages. So all these Johnny foreigner types would wander the markets and sit in the pubs and jabber away in their lingo, and no one could understand them. They all spoke English, of course, but could talk about people and stuff and no one would understand them. But your English boy, well, he couldn't say anything because he only spoke English and everyone understood that. So they came up with a way of using English that you'd understand only if you were local, right? Sort of like that Pig Latin thing, but a bit cleverer.
"So the idea is that if you want to use a word, you use a two-word phrase where the second word rhymes with the word you intend to say. So, Dog and Bone - Phone, right? Whistle and Flute - suit. Apples and pairs - stairs. Trouble and Strife - wife. You get it?"
April nodded, enthralled.
"Often though, it's abbreviated to one word - the first word of the two-word phrase. So, you'd say 'the trouble is on the dog - you want me to say you ain't here?' And that means the wife is on the phone. You get it?"
"Yeah. Sounds complicated though? Isn't there a lot of it to remember?"
"Can be. It's a living language, though. New stuff being added to it all the time. So you could ask for a pint of Britneys, meaning Britney Spears, beers. You have to be fluent in it though, to use it a lot. You spend any time in the east end and it comes thick and fast. I am generally left working out what the word was three sentences ago. Once you know the trick you can often work it out from context but still, it's very uniquely London."
A customer ambled up to the bar and Bernie wandered off to serve them, and then April got hit on.
It had happened to her the world over. In a bar, alone, nicely dressed, having a drink and not obviously with someone, given time, she'd get hit on.
This time it was a local - a young lad, obviously put up to it by his friends, at a table in the corner, who were doing their best not to show they were watching intently. She'd seen them in the bar before, and obviously they'd been cajoling each other, in an attempt to muster up the courage to actually approach her.
The bravado the youth showed was endearing, as was the amazingly inventive bullshit he produced. April judged the boy to be in his early twenties, certainly not more than twenty-four.
He introduced himself as 'James, the Duke of Chelsea,' and he was just about to inherit his title, but he was put out 'to the world' as he put it, by his father, to learn about the world, before the title was bestowed on him. He was wondering, as April was obviously a woman from 'the great country', if she'd have a drink with him and discuss the issues of the day.
It was pure bullshit and quite eloquently delivered, if lacking a bit because the gentleman doing it was too young and didn't believe a word of it himself. April didn't know if she should be offended or impressed. She glanced at Bernie - while "James" was extolling the virtues of the English pint - who shook his head and rolled his eyes, dramatically.
One part of the pitch had had April in genuine pearls of laughter. James, at one point, while discussing why one beer was better than another, dropped into the conversation, "Well, of course, this beer is the dog's bollocks."
April had had to stop him right there, and inquire, incredulously, "I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"It's the dog's bollocks. You know. Bloody awesome."
"Dogs...bollocks, are awesome?"
"Well, most bloke dogs seem to think so. They seem to be licking them enough. They must be great to get so much attention?"
It was all done so matter-of-factly that April couldn't help bursting into laughter. Every day she learned some new phrase that made her laugh. She couldn't wait to drop that into conversation once she got back to the US.
In the end, April decided if bullshit was the order of the day, she'd drop some out there herself. When she could get a word in edgeways, she accepted his offer of a drink, but then during conversation, casually mentioned that she was a professional psychologist, on sabbatical from the University of Pennsylvania, doing a post doctorial study in Domination and Submission, and James seemed like a perfect candidate to interviewed on the subject? She kept pressing him, mentioning that most of the interviews were done while handcuffed, and James, being a man of the world and all, would have no issues with that, surely? When she started describing some of the more intimate things they would do, with him wearing sensors, so she could tell exactly
when
to stop swatting him with the riding cane, before the pain got too much, he went a bit green, and then announced that while it was lovely to meet her, he had to get back to his friends, or "they'd run out of things to talk about."