"Patel?" my wife said, astonished.
It started at the sex therapist. Just before Christmas.
Our sex life was fine, but not perfect. Two years after our first kid, we wanted to have a second, just in time for my wife's thirtieth. However, we both admitted that we could barely conjure up the passion to make love once a week, much less multiple time during her ovulation period.
It wasn't because her body had changed. In fact, all my favorite features about my beautiful wife had barely changed after childbirth. She always had these "slut tits" that I loved. I only called them that in my head, because they reminded me of the type of tits that most men imagined on their penultimate stripper or fantasy hooker. Her little belly was still cute, her eyes were still big and blue, and her ass hadn't changed. We just...lost the passion.
We had everything in life: great jobs, a beautiful five-year old daughter, our dream home, and a pretty damn good marriage. Everything was going according to the plan. Rather than wait until things degraded into a dead bedroom, which many of our other married friends endured, we went to a therapist. We thought the best defense would be a good offense..
I nodded in response to her inquisitive look.
"So this therapist handed you an index card," she continued, a little louder than normal, "...and you wrote on it that the sexual fantasy you turn to when you have to be aroused, before making love to me, is of me have sex with fucking disgusting, lizard-faced Patel at one of the Brighton's pool parties? This cannot be real."
"Now Nicole," the therapist said, "we promised we wouldn't judge. This is an open forum. John, can you explain what excites you about that situation?"
I sighed, "Patel is a pretty unsavory guy, he-"
Nicole interrupted, "Uhm, he's like five foot five, balding, kind of fat, has weird Indian-guy hair, is
addicted to strippers
, let me repeat that,
is openly addicted to strippers
and talks constantly about them like they're his friggin girlfriends...I mean, your co-workers are techy guys, I get that, and some of them are crazy anti-social, but this guy is just outright repulsive. On, like, a base level. That's why this is so....well...."
The therapist laughed a bit in order to add levity to the situation. My wife failed to mention that Patel was a multi-millionaire thanks to his dealings in the tech startup scene. She failed to mention that his stripper ramblings were tongue-in-cheek party talk that came from a man with few social graces and deep, deep personal insecurities. Or, that when we attended one of these pool parties, he stared at her wet bikini-clad breasts like a suckling child every second he could.
"Right," I said, "That's the thing. You talk all the time about how much he disgusts you, and he's unbelievably pathetic. Everybody knows that. Hell, even Patel knows he's pathetic. So....I guess...it's two things. First, if you did make love to him, it would be because I told you to. Any other guy in this world, you might be attracted to, it would make me jealous and feeling betrayed. But him...in my fantasy, you're with him because I told you to be, and that gets me off, really hard. I think it's a power thing."
"Good, good," the therapist said, "That's the root of it...go on..."
"And the other thing," I said, continuing, "So here you are, this genetically gifted person, with so much going for you, and this...I won't be insulting but...Patel's genetic....whatever....his scent, his bonding hormones, his cum....you're risking so much just letting him inside you, and it makes no sense, on like this really animal level, and-"
"It makes
no
sense, at
all,
" my wife said, eliciting more polite giggles from the therapist.
"I know! OK? I know it doesn't. There was one pool party where your top was above the waterline and Patel was just flat out staring at you. I mean this guy was borderline ready to jump your bones five feet away from me. He was in love with watching the water evaporate off your tits. And...I don't know. It really lit me up. It's the last time I can remember feeling something deep, sexually. Something that pierced the veil."
The therapist started to go off on a diatribe about openness. She advised us to not actually act-out these fantasies, but instead to dabble in them in harmless ways. The rest of the session didn't reach that level of emotionality. I was left wondering if I deeply disturbed my wife.
This exchange happened after Nicole admitted her deepest fantasy: having me watch her have sex with another man. She was quick to assure me it didn't have to do with my sexual performance, but it was just a naughty idea that popped into her head.
"At its base, I think it would get me off that you showed that much self control. That you could be a Gary Cooper strong silent type, even in that situation. That's what I love about you the most, when you're just....so, so strong."
I didn't probe into her reasoning the same way she interrogated me. I just accepted her, like I always did.
--
This was in the car on the way home from the therapist.
She brought up the Patel thing, but she was more accepting this time.
"So...let's say, guys
like
Patel....one of these lizard men in their mid 40s with no wife or children...what would you even do if I flirted with them?"
I felt the anxiety from the fantasy bubble up in mind, "That wouldn't shake me. But you could fool around. You could even go further with my permission. That would get me going. Afterwards, I don't think I'd care what you did. You'd get a pass."
I couldn't believe I had said what I said.
"You soooo would care! You would be mad at me forever." she retorted, smiling.