He heard the front door close, then heard her heels clicking across the stones of the entryway and then across the hardwood floor of the great room. She walked like a Goddess, pranced and strutted and prowled like a predator she cat. He could practically see her, just from the sound and the memory. How many times had he waited for those sounds of her returning home to him? How many lifetimes had he spent in torturous splendor while she lived out his fantasy?
Why didn't he feel the same about her anymore? How had it all gotten away from him, from them?
"Hello Jonathon," she said, her voice so quiet that it was almost trembling. She leaned against the kitchen door jam, reaching down to remove first one high heel and then the other. Somehow being suddenly six inches shorter did not diminish her power and dominance even an iota.
"Hello Lucinda," he replied from his perch on one of the bar stools at the kitchen counter.
"I saw you at the cemetery, but you were gone so quickly that I could not find you after the service. How have you been, baby? "
He ignored her question, taking a long sip from the bottle of Heineken he was holding.
"Hope you don't mind that I let myself in," he said, holding the bottle up for an instant. "I found this in your fridge...be sure to thank whichever of your boyfriends I stole it from. "
She sighed and forced a smile. "I wasn't sure when I was going see you again. You left without so much as a note, and that was more than two months ago."
"Only seemed right to come back for Oliver's funeral. I didn't know him very well, but he seemed like a nice enough guy."
"I'm glad you did." Her smile stretched her dimples and her eyes seemed to sparkle. "He was a nice man...a good man."
"I suppose I'll have to just take your word for how good he was." He raised and lowered his eyebrows.
Her smile faded. "Was that really necessary?"
"None of this is really necessary, I suppose. I could leave if you like."
"No. I'm glad you've come home."
"Not really my home any more, is it?"
"Of course it is."
"You do remember than my name is no longer on the deed since Arthur paid the place off? He demanded it be in only your name, if I recall."
"I've missed you," she whispered.
When he met her gaze, there was a glassiness to her the bottoms of her eyes. Where was the woman who found life in the garden that day five years ago? Where was the woman he had submitted to? This woman seemed more like the Lucy he had married, more like the mother of his daughters, more like the woman he had asked her to change from. Where was Lucinda?
"Sure you have," he replied, a veil of laughter caressing his voice. "I'm sure the other four boyfriends have kept you more than busy while I've been gone."
She chuckled softly. "They do keep me pretty busy."
There she was; just a hint of the evil Lucinda in that laugh. He did not allow himself even a hint of a smile, no emotion at all, in fact, as though it no longer mattered. He stared at her as though he was already gone again, and her smile also faded again.
"I'm sorry sweetheart...I didn't mean to... "
He waved a hand of dismissal in the air, slowly shaking his head. He was no sweetheart to her anymore. There was only a tired man who had had enough.
"So you are leaving again? " she persisted.
He shrugged. " Part of my job to travel now."
"I talked to your boss a few weeks ago. Angela said you took over the Asian supply chain. Isn't that a step back for you? You were managing the whole region from here, weren't you?"
"I have the whole Pacific rim now, so eventually it will work out better. At least it allowed me to escape all of this. To escape from you. What difference does it make anyway?"
"Only all of the difference in the world baby," she said. " What do you mean, escape from me?"
Was there fear in her voice? Odd. What to make of that? He took another sip of his beer.
"Looks like you're doing okay without me."
"I can't imagine my life without you," she continued. "I always believed that we would grow old together. I always dreamed we would die in each other's arms."
"That's really romantic." He breathed a disgusted chuckle. "Going to be a little crowded, isn't it?"
She sighed deeply. "You do remember that this whole boyfriend thing was your idea, don't you?"
"You planning on growing old and dying with all of them too? Jim is only fifty four. And Arthur is what? Fifty nine...sixty? I'm almost sixty six. You think I'll outlive either of them?" He did not try to hide the bitterness in his voice.
"You are twice the man either one of them are."
There she was again. There was Lucinda, as powerful as ever. How was he supposed to fight off his pride and the swell of love that invaded his tough exterior when she talked like that to him? What was she trying to do? Was she trying to give him hope, to tempt him back?
Did he really want her back? Could he go back? He loved her, loved everything about the memory of their old life together and most things about the new life in the last five years, but could he ever figure out a way to survive the bad too? Could they ever go back to something he could live with?
"Twice the idiot maybe. I was so fucking stupid. It seemed so right...so exciting and so thrilling. There was so much emotion, so much of a thrill from the unexpected. So much passion for the dominant woman you became. So much adoration inside of me from my submission to you. Biggest damned mistake of my pathetic fucking life. "
"Don't say that...I know better...I know what's in your heart...remember? I adore that submissive man."
"Maybe you knew what was in my heart when we started out. But you lost track of what was in my heart when you started giving yours to someone else. I was stupid...childish. It was a fantasy, for crying out loud. I should have never mentioned it. Never should have brought it up."
"I never gave my heart to anyone but you. You're still the only man who will ever have that. What happened was just the natural physical psychology of dominance and submission. It was only natural the way it turned out. We needed this...you needed this...I grew into what you needed and I wanted...you know as well as I do that we never would have made it without them...without Bull anyway. "
Was that true?
Possibly. Probably. Damn.
He hated the torrid and powerful mix of thoughts and emotions that were swirling through his head.
"Then I guess it really doesn't matter anymore, because we can't make it with them either. I've had more than enough of being second, or third, or whatever. I would just as soon strangle that old fucker as look at him. We could have had a double funeral today. "
She gasped slightly. "I see." Her voice was so small that he could hardly hear her and Lucinda almost disappeared again. "You do know this really isn't about him, don't you?"
"Like hell it's not. Who in the hell do you think it is about?"
"You begged me for this. You do remember that, don't you?"
He looked at the floor, sighed deeply then tipped his head back to look at the ceiling, all in an effort not to meet her gaze. He knew she would have him again if he looked into her eyes.
"I remember."
"And do you remember how we did not like each other very much after the girls graduated and moved away? Do you remember how lost and confused we both were? Do you remember that I was ready to run away, to pack it all in and leave you after more than thirty years of marriage?"
"Yes," he replied.
"Then you got this idea about being in submission to me. It was our only hope...the only thing that could save our marriage. You begged me to take contol of you, but I didn't know how to do that...didn't know how to be whatever it was you wanted me to be, and that only made everything worse. If Bill hadn't been there to teach me, we never would have made it. You were miserable...I was miserable, but Bull saved us...and you know it."
"Then how did it all get so fucked up?" He pounded his beer on the counter, some of the foam spilling out of the bottle. "How did it end up getting so far away from me that I don't care if I get it back? How in the hell did I lose you so bad that it doesn't seem to matter anymore?"
