I want to thank the Hip and Knee Doc for all his help in making this story a lot more acceptable than my last ones.
This story should be mandatory reading for all 30+-year-old guys who are even thinking about tying the knot again. The under twenty crowd are still thinking with their little heads, so what I say won't make a whole hell of a lot of difference to them. I only wish I had read and took advise from this before I got married the second time, and maybe I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in right now. In other words, the gals will hate this story and the guys will love it. I hope so anyway.
"You can't be serious, Steve, as there's no way I'm going to sign this," Ann said as she read the first paragraph. "This is a joke right? Who put you up to this? Was it Andy, Bill, whoever did, its not very funny Steve," my fiancée of two years informed me.
"Hon, it's not a joke and I've got no problem with signing it, so why should you?" I asked her as Ann continued reading paragraph after paragraph.
"No one in their right mind would sign this," she yelled. "How about this?" she said pointing to a paragraph on the second page. "It says here, that if I refuse you sex, I'm obligated to pay for someone to have sex with you. Are you completely nuts?"
"But it works both ways hon. If I refuse you, the same applies to me. That's fair isn't it?" I said trying to keep Ann from blowing her cork, though it didn't work.
"You've ruined the damn mood for tonight" she told me. "When you get your head out of your ass, call me," she said while slamming the front door.
"Well, that went well," I said to myself while picking up the papers on the floor and putting them back in order. I knew that she was going to be pissed, and I thought; "better now than later," as I got a Corona from the fridge.
You may think that I'm some kind of an asshole, but all I want is to be happy in my upcoming marriage, that's all. My name's Steve, and the lovely lady that just left in a huff is my fiancée, Ann. We've been together for almost three years and up until ten minutes ago, she was, as she would also call me, my 'soul mate'. I've been thinking about this pre-nup for the last six months, and finally got the nerve, or balls as my friends call it, to actually put it down on paper, with the help of Greg, a lawyer friend of mine.
"Damn it Steve, she's going to hit the ceiling when she reads this," Greg told me. "Can you video her response? I'd love to see it, especially when she gets to sections two and three," he said with a laugh and added, "I only wish I would have had the nerve to do, what you're doing before Peggy and I got married. What happens if Ann refuses to sign it? You've only got ninety days until the wedding?"
"Good question," I replied. "I'm not sure, but I'm leaning towards it being a deal- breaker," I told him. "I've got time, I'll let it slide for a week or two and then bring it up again." So, that's how it started.
As you can probably guess, I've been married before. In truth, it was great at first, but was a complete disaster at the end, but only in my eyes. Carla thought, even to the day I served her with papers, that we had a great marriage. She was in shock when I told her that I'd been planning the end of it for over a year.
You see, my definition of marriage and that of my ex-wife's were totally different. There was the love, honor and obey in our marriage vows, but that lasted only for the first couple of years. Unfortunately, after that, all bets were off.
Carla and I were in lust with each other from the first day we met. If we weren't eating, we were screwing. If we weren't in school, we were in bed; get the picture? We couldn't get enough of each other, even after we were married. After four years of such activity, we had two kids; Danny and Sue; who were; one year apart. Even with two kids, we still found the time to do it four to five times a week. Talk about being in heaven.
At about the eighth year, things started to cool a bit, and by the tenth it was starting to get a little frigid. By year twelve, sex had all but stopped. There was the mercy fuck, or pity sex if I complained long and loud enough, but it was quick and to the point; get me off without breaking a sweat. I tried talking to her, suggested a marriage counselor and even threatened divorce, but nothing made any difference. The straw that broke the camels back was when I came home one day to twin beds in our bedroom.
"No way," I yelled, as I threw one mattress out the window, as Carla tried to get me to settle down. "I'll start the stinking paperwork tomorrow and in three months we'll be divorced," I told her as the box spring followed the mattress out the window. "I'll have Greg start the paperwork and you'll have it by Thursday," I said stomping down the stairs as my kids wondered what the hell was going on. "Sorry kids. Your mother pushed me over the edge this time," I said almost running out to my car. I had to get the hell away from her before I did something I'd regret.
"What a bitch," I said to myself as I washed down the peanuts with my fifth beer. "I've given her everything and I guess that wasn't enough," I thought as I finished number five and motioned the bartender for number six. "I should have put my foot down years ago, so it's my own damn fault," I told myself as I took a swig of number six.
I think that I had eight or nine beers, but I'm not sure. All I know is that I must have handed Greg's business card to the cab driver, because that's where I woke up the following morning, with the worst hangover of my life.
"I guess there really is life after death," Greg said as he handed me a cup of black coffee. "I found you on my doorstep at 1:30 this morning." "Peggy and I got you as far as the couch, but in your condition, the floor would have been just as good," he said with a laugh. "You want to tell me what brought you to this point?"
"Is Peggy around?" I asked.
"No, she's upstairs getting the baby ready. Why?" he replied.
"Carla surprised me with twin beds last night. I guess I went a little crazy and threw one of them out the window," I told Greg through my haze. "Things have gotten downright cold in the bedroom and this was the last straw. I completely snapped," I said taking a sip of coffee. "I need you to draw up divorce papers as soon as possible. I'm going to take care of the rest of my stuff today and want her served tomorrow if possible. She can have the house until the kids turn 18, and we'll split everything else 50/50. I just want it done and over," I told him.
"Easy Steve. Don't you want to think about this a little? Maybe you're still a little drunk from last night?" he asked me. "At least, talk to Carla. You've got nothing to lose, do you?"
"I've tried, that for the last couple of years and have gotten nowhere. I'm tired of fighting. She's got her job, her country club membership, her friends, and a nice house. What more does she need? Not me, that's for sure. I take care of the kids 80% of the time because she's off doing what's important to her, which leaves me out in the cold. No more. Just do the paperwork, have her served, and we'll let the chips fall where they may," I said putting on my shoes.
"All right, but your going to take a financial beating," Greg told me. "You're looking at a minimum of 25 to 30% in child support plus expenses. Steve, we're probably talking about somewhere in the area of 35% of your net income being taken out until the kids turn 18, and that doesn't include if they go to college."
"I'd pay twice that amount to be happy again, because right now I'm absolutely miserable. The kids and I will cope with the divorce and Carla can go to hell for all I care," I said standing up for the first time. "If I can steal another cup of coffee, I'll be out of your hair. I've got to get my ass in gear, because I've got a lot to do today." I thanked him for the use of his couch and told him to call me on my cell when it was done.
I called work and told them that I needed a couple of days off to take care of a personal matter. I changed my withholdings and took Carla off my life and health insurance policies. I cancelled all our joint credit cards and went to the bank and took out 50% of both our savings and checking accounts. We both had cars that were paid off, so I figured we'd each just keep our own. I was having a late lunch, when I realized that I'd turned off my cell phone last night. "Damn," Carla had filled up my mailbox with messages. At least now I know how messages it takes to fill up a voice mail account; fifty-three. "Screw her," I thought as I started to delete them all without listening to one.
My next stop was the apartment complex a block from where I worked. The apartments weren't anything great, but at least they were cheap and cheap was what I was looking for. However, they asked for "five and a quarter for a furnished one bedroom." I was a little shocked. That was double what I had paid for my last apartment, but that was many years ago. I signed a lease on a month-to-month basis. It was a little more than I wanted to pay, but I wanted to leave my options open as soon as possible.
Now came the hard part. I had to sneak home and grab some clothes for work tomorrow, and I didn't have a clue where Carla was. "Damn I can't win," I said to myself as I drove past my house and saw her car in the driveway. "There's no way I want to get into an argument with her before she's served tomorrow," I thought, so I went to J. C Penney and bought a change of clothes. I finally had dinner at about 7:30 that night, and then checked into the Day's Inn. Unfortunately, I tossed and turned for the rest of the night. Was I making the right decision? I think I was.
The next morning I had another thirty-five messages from Carla, which I erased, and one from Greg, that I listened to. "The paperwork is done. Carla is going to be served about 9:30 this morning at work, and Peggy thinks you're an ass. Good luck, because you're going to need it. Call me if you need anything else," he told me. So it began.
It was about 2:00 in the afternoon when I heard, "Do you hate me that much Steve?" I looked up and saw Carla standing in front of my desk.
"No Carla, I don't hate you. I'm just tired of being unhappy. That's all," I replied.
"All this because of twin beds? If it's that big of a deal, we'll go back to our old bed," she said like she was placating one of the kids.
"You still don't get it do you? Look Carla, this isn't the time or place to air out our dirty laundry. I'll meet you at the house after work and we can talk for, whatever that's worth," I told her. "Anyway, I want to see the kids and I need to pickup a few changes of clothes. I'll see you about six," I told her.
"I'll have dinner waiting for you. See you tonight. Just remember, I still love you," she said and walked out.
At 6:05, I pulled into the driveway. My kids came out to greet me and asked, "What the heck was going on dad, are you and mom getting a divorce?" I wasn't about to discuss it with them on the driveway, so I just told them that their mom and I were having problems.
