I Do Not Thin so Again

Thanks John for your help in editing. Any mistakes are mine alone.

*****

Here I sit staring out the window. It is the start of a new year and I am alone, depressed and the weather matches my feelings. It is cold, blustery and some snow on the ground.

What has happened to me?

My name is Jill and I have been married over 24 years (or should say was married) to my college sweetheart, Harris.

I met Harris in my third year in school and was attracted to him immediately. He was funny, kind, more of an extrovert then me and was good looking.

For my entire life I was always very quiet and reserved. My parents were strict and expected the two of us to always " do the right thing."

My brother was 2 years younger than I am and always seemed to push the boundaries. He was constantly getting into trouble or causing some type of drama around the house. My father was always battling to keep him in line. My mother was sweet but could be forceful because she was Irish and could keep my father and all of us in line.

Growing up we had a typical middle-class family. I was the quiet bookworm and tended to follow others. I did not like to lead or be the center of attention. I was told I was attractive and sweet. That may sound brash, but it was drilled into me by my Mom. To be kind and follow the rules. She had been raised by an alcoholic father and her childhood was difficult.

As I mentioned my brother was my opposite. He was a good athlete, extroverted and always getting into something. Most of his problems were not extreme but it led him to constantly battle with my parents. Staying out to late, chasing lots of girls, being the class clown and not worrying about his studies.

I did not date much because I was mostly a wallflower. A few boys asked me out and I went with them, but they were mostly friends and we never had sex, only kisses and some touching. It was exciting, but I always knew I had to keep focused if I wanted to go to college. I felt I was too young to get to close to anyone at my age.

I had friends who dated and were close to guys. They would tell me of their experiences. I mostly giggled and enjoyed their stories but was determined not to give myself to anyone until I was in love.

I graduated in the top 10% of my class and left home to go to the university. Going away to school was exciting but worried me a great deal. I was smart but very innocent. I had a good roommate the first year and we became friends. She was reserved but had a boyfriend. I hated when he visited because I usually had to go to the library or somewhere else, so they could have private time.

My roommate Sharon would often try to fix me up with others or get me to go to parties. She helped me out and I did go with her some. I was being asked out, so I know I was not ugly but because I was so shy and not letting guys have sex with me, although we would do some necking, I usually did not get many dates after the first few.

I could always ask Sharon about guys and she would tell me what she knew. I was curious and wanted to meet someone special but was never going to let myself go until I met that perfect guy.

She laughed and told me, "Jill there are no perfect guys, you have to meet guys to find the 'right' one."

As my third year started at school, I was deep in my studies. Sharon had a friend she went to high school with and his roommate was a great guy. She wanted me to meet him. I just shook my head and said, "everyone I have been introduced to, by you was either a partier or a geek with no personality. I am an introvert, I need someone who will want me for who I am."

She laughed and said, "yea with two introverts at a table it would make for a quiet date."

Finally, she convinced me to meet this guy. She told me he was a good guy and had just broken up with a girlfriend. I said fine I will meet him.

The following weekend I met my Harris. I liked him immediately. I found him pleasant, kind and easy to talk to. This was something new for me. I felt good with a boy.

Harris was good looking and had an easy personality. He could talk with a janitor or a dean and it was the same. They all liked him.

Harris and I started dating and at first, I was curious, but wanted to see where this relationship went. We started meeting weekends and then during lunches. As time went on I looked forward to my time with Harris. He had a great sense of humor and everyone found him personable and pleasant.

As the year wore on I found myself in love with him. I could not wait to see him. I know he wanted to get more physical, but he also accepted my limitations and still seemed to want to be with me.

Spring time arrived, and our school had the ring dance for juniors. It was the biggest dance of the year and I was so excited when Harris asked me to it. I got a new dress and was so happy.

We had a wonderful time at the dance and I loved it so much. After the dance I went back to his apartment and spent the night. I did not mean to do it, but his roommate was gone for the weekend and we had the place to ourselves.

Harris undressed me, and I was so scared and nervous. He told me to relax and when I was naked, he gently and lovingly caressed me. He then made love to me so tenderly. I was so in love with him I could not stop.

At first, he kissed me and touched me all over. It felt like I was in heaven. He gently kissed me on my breasts and nipples. My nipples are so sensitive. I was getting so aroused. He gently put his finger in my pussy. I was so wet and horny. I wanted him so much.

I told him, "please be gentle Harris, I am so scared, but love you."

He kissed me and continued caressing me. I reached down and pulled his pants down. His cock was so hard, and it looked huge. I was nervous. I had felt one other guys cock through his pants before, but this was my first hardon in my hand. It felt like a steel pipe. He moaned as I rubbed it. I did not think he could put that thing in my wet pussy, but he did. Slowly, at first and then in and out. He had a condom and I helped him put it on his hardon. I loved it. When he entered me, I thought it felt like a huge bat going inside me. As he slowly started to thrust it felt so tight, but it started to feel so good.

I had always been told by my Mom that you should never sleep with a boy until you were married. I laughed at the thought of that as my lover and the man of my dreams kissed me and told me how much he loved me. I felt so good and so content. As he was so horny and told me he was about to cum I tightened up and waited to see how it felt.

He moaned and put his tongue inside me I felt my whole body shake and my pussy quivered from his feel. It was amazing I closed my eyes and felt flushed all over. It was so intense. Damn, I loved this so much. I started to cry.

When Harris finished. He kissed me and held me tight and asked if I was hurt. I told him no I just enjoyed it so much and that I loved him so much.

He held each other in our arms and cuddled for so long. Finally, I dosed off and he did too and we both slept until the sun came through the windows in the morning.

I got up and I went to the bathroom. My pussy felt a little sore, but I looked at myself in the mirror and realized I was no longer a virgin. I felt so good and laughed at what my mom would say.

I decided to make some breakfast for Harris. Typical of he and his roommate, there was almost nothing in the way of breakfast food except cereal, oatmeal and a couple of bagels. I thought that will have to do. I fixed oatmeal and was getting it ready when he walked into the kitchen.

He came up behind me and hugged me and told me he loved me. I felt so good. My entire life I had waited for someone to make me feel this way and it had finally happened. Here was my man and I loved him so.

I had a summer intern job with the city and he worked construction during the summer months. He made good money and got in good shape. We couldn't wait for the weekends sometimes he would come up and spend a couple of days with my family. I was always so proud to show my Harris off to my friends and family.

As time went on I knew everyone liked him and felt he was the one for me. He protected me and was always there.

We started our last year at school, then tragedy struck, my father died of a massive heart attack very suddenly. We were all heart broken, including my brother. Harris was the rock for us all. He came home with me and we worked through all the arrangements. We both took a few days off from school and he was there to help us through it all.

After the funeral, we went back to school, but I wanted to dropout, but he helped me through it all. Harris and my Mom talked and said that we needed to finish the school year graduate and then after discussing this with my Mom asked to marry him. I was so happy I just started crying because he was my love and I knew my soul mate.

After this tragedy I had something to look forward to. We did go back to school. The year did seem to fly by and I visited my Mom a lot as I left many weekends to see her. Sometimes Harris would come and sometimes not.

As the school year progressed, I was so looking forward to graduating and then getting married. I already had a job with the city as I had worked there as an intern. Harris was interviewing and was trying to find something in Richmond as well. He understood how much it meant for me to stay close to Mom. Even though Mom was strong I could tell she was devastated by my father's death. I just could not leave Mom. I knew she needed me.

Harris had a degree in finance and was given an offer from a large retail store that had an opening in the store. I was so excited for him. He was happy as well, but being typical, Harris, he had put my feelings first and was willing to go to Richmond for my sake.

We graduated in May and moved in early June and got married in late June and started our jobs in July. What a whirlwind summer. I was so happy but very nervous about being a newlywed and new worker. Harris was away some for training and working lots of hours at first. I was also going to training and working a lot.

We had only been working two years, but I found out I was going to have a baby. We were excited and prepared. I had very severe morning sickness and Harris would get up with me and be by me whenever I needed him. I know many times I had to call in sick and he would work then come home and take care of me.

Mom had also been a lot of help and I needed her so much. My pregnancy was difficult, and I had to quit work after my fifth month due to complications.

Our beautiful baby daughter came in a little early. She surprised us, but I had some difficulties and after delivery my Doctor said I should not have any more due to the problems. I was so excited having my new baby, but sad that we would not have any more. I was a wreck at first, I had post-partum depression and our Stephanie had colic for four months.

Harris and I took turns staying up with her as we both needed sleep. Since I was nursing every time I seemed to fall asleep Harris had to wake me. I do not know how he did it, but he still worked a full week and kept an even keel. At times he got frustrated too because of a lack of sleep but we both loved our daughter so much.

I took off for almost 5 years after Stephanie was born and went back to work as she entered kindergarten. It was nice being at home with her, but Harris and I felt we needed to save extra for college and home expenses and I went back to work.

I really missed Stephanie but soon got into the pattern and we did fine as a whole. The city had its inter office politics as most businesses had but I usually stayed out of them.

I was in the codes and compliance department and as time went on I became very proficient and climbed up the department. Mr. Tom Lambert was my boss and he was wonderful. He was a great boss. He held everyone accountable but was very fair and nice to work with.

As the years went by I got more raises and soon was elevated to the assistant to the Manager of the department. Mr. Lambert had trained me well and I always felt appreciated by him. He had been in the city for over 30 years and I knew would be leaving soon for retirement.

At home our life progressed well but Stephanie was involved in everything. Girl scouts to soccer to tennis, Harris and I were her always taking her somewhere. She was our baby and as much as I know Harris would have wanted more children, he never said a word about it. He was a great father and good husband. We had our arguments but usually they were minor.

I always depended on him. He had to go to conferences and I always hated it. I loved going to bed and waking up with him near me. Fortunately, the conferences did not occur often, but I did not like it. Harris would always tell me it was only for 4 or 5 days. I would call him, or he would call me almost every night. Even though we were married for many years I still loved being intimate with my Harris. I missed his hugs and touch.

We did not have a perfect marriage, but it was close. We both had our moments of frustration or anger, but it usually passed, and we were fine. He paid all the bills and I took care of all the household things.

As Stephanie got older, she was very independent. She was an excellent student and mature for her age. She was more like her father and was more outgoing. Her boyfriends were mostly friends, not lovers and she knew what she could or could not do. We were proud of her and she exhibited a mature thought process when dealing with the dating scene.

Harris and I continued to be good partners in and out of the bedroom, at least I thought we were. Harris wanted to get more adventurous and I always told him no because I thought our love was fine and I did not feel it was appropriate after so many years of marriage. I had never been willing to try new things, even though Harris said after all these years we ought to be able to have sex when and where and how we agreed to it.

I told him I was happy as it was. I know he was disappointed but never got angry. Looking back on it, I hate myself now for not trying new things with him. Since he was my only lover I should have been willing to do whatever he liked to simply try things.

This seemed to be our biggest problem. I was always uncomfortable with public affection. Harris was always a hugger and loved to cuddle. He also realized most of the time it might lead to more intimacy.

The last year that Stephanie was in high school it was a very stressful year. Harris had climbed up to assistant Manager of the store and still always made sure to go to all of Stephanie's tennis matches. He loved to follow her and give her encouragement.

Unfortunately, Harris' father was diagnosed with cancer. He and his mother had retired to Florida and we did not see them much in the last 5 years. We usually visited during the summer and they would come up at Christmas.

His father was given only 3 months to live. We were devastated. He loved his father very much and always could lean on him for advice with his father not being intrusive. I loved Harris' father a lot too and he always treated me well.

His mother was also kind to me but did not have the warmth that his father had. I could see where Harris got his demeanor from. His father passed almost exactly as his doctor said. He lasted three and a half months after diagnosis. It was a very virulent form of cancer.

His mother was also a mess. Suddenly Harris had to visit his mother a lot to help with the finances and was gone quite a bit. I started to resent the fact that he was gone more now.

As Stephanie got ready to graduate I knew I was going to miss her a lot and I got depressed when I realized the house would be empty and with Harris on the go I would be alone a lot.

Harris felt pulled by me and his Mom and became a bit angry because we both wanted his time. With Stephanie leaving he felt the additional burden of losing his daughter as well. Looking back, I realized I added to his angst by complaining and bitching about his time. I wish I had been more supportive.

As I told my friends Sally and Beth, I felt that maybe I needed more in my life than to work and tend to the house. They told me that they went out with a group of ladies and felt I should join them. I thought about it and agreed.

I spoke to Harris about it and he told me that was good. I told him if I did go out with them some I would leave from work and go straight to a restaurant and he would have to fix his own dinner. He readily agreed he would do that.

I started going out with the group from work. Sally and Beth were my closest friends and they were married with children and we all had a lot in common. The girls could let their hair down and say anything they liked. Even though I was very introverted I always enjoyed chatting with different people, especially more outgoing ones.

Most of the times we talked about the kids, the office, our husbands or current events. However, depended on who was there, we might talk with the single women and they would fill us in on their adventures. It was an eye-opening experience for me to listen to them. Harris had been my one and only lover and not being very adventurous or dating a lot I was naïve about sex except what he and I did.

After a couple of years, Mr. Lambert was retiring, and they were going to hire a new Manager. We all assumed it would be someone from our city. They had an interim in place and he ran the office for 6 months. We all thought that he would get the permanent job, but he never did.

We all stayed as we were, and I continued going out with my coworkers. A couple of them were very open about their relationships. Beth, Sally, and I would listen as they mentioned their sex lives. I know I was naïve, but the way they talked about all their different lovers I was amazed.

I would never talk about Harris or anything personal other than general things. Sally and Beth confided in me personal problems and I mentioned things that bothered me but nothing too explicit.

The single ladies were interesting to listen too, but I always thought they sounded a bit slutty. I must admit I was looking forward to listening when they discussed it. They told me the guys with the biggest dicks would make them cum so many times but most of them were arrogant assholes. Not having experimented much I never thought about how different dicks would feel. It made me feel funny, but curious. I knew I would never cheat on Harris and he would never cheat on me, but I liked hearing about a different world of which I was not aware.

After Stephanie had gone off to college and Harris was back home from his trips to help his Mom, I was happy he and I were back together again.

Then tragedy struck again. His mother was diagnosed with cancer, just like his father. It was another blow to my husband. He then had to go back and forth to help with her and I went as well. We asked her to come home with us as we had the room, but she did not want to leave her home and friends.

At first the treatments went well, but they weakened her and made it difficult for her to rebound from them. Then as she was progressing she developed pneumonia and an infection. She died very suddenly, the doctors told us her heart probably gave out in reaction to the treatments.

Harris was deeply depressed, and I tried to be extra kind to him. He had been through a lot and I was determined to love him so much to forget about his loss or at least lessen the pain.

After my mother-in-law passed away, my job then changed as well. There was a new Manager hired. His name was Robert Haverford. This was the beginning of the end of my marriage, I just did not know it.