How to Divorce a Lousy Lay

"Hi Sweety, I'm glad you're home!"

Oh things were looking up! I had the crappiest day. I spilled my coffee on my pants at breakfast, and had to go change before going to work. When I changed out of my paints I. Noticed the shirt was stained too, and had to take the time to change it and add a different tie. So I left for work late, which had me going a bit too fast resulting in a ticket for speeding in a school zone. I don't know how it is where you live and work, but here it's like passing a school bus with its lights on, a thousand dollar fine. Of course, that meant a further delay as the cop checked my license, registration and insurance, and impounded my car for outstanding tickets. I didn't remember any outstanding tickets. It had to be my wife. She liked my car for shopping because it had a bigger trunk.

So after the cop's lecture is done, I get to work to find my boss pissed that I missed the weekly production meeting. So after an hour of him chewing my ass, me making a personal report to him on my departments production, and me kissing his ass, he fires me. Turns out some young hot shot sold him a bill of goods as to how to better run my department, so my missing the meeting was the last straw. So I went to clean out my desk, and just as I am finishing, the phone rings. I answer it myself since my secretary has already been reassigned, and it is my daughter. She's talking fast. All I can get out of her is blah blah blah new boyfriend blah blah really hot blah blah blah spent the weekend blah blah living together blah blah pregnant blah blah big wedding next week. Oh good.

So I called my boy to see if he knew WTF his sister was thinking. My son had better news. He was taking a year off college to go trek the foothills of the Himalayas seeking the meaning of life with a Guru Maha Mini Mini Ha Ha or something. He would be out of contact for at least three months, but would be sure to keep a journal and publish it as a blog when he came out of his quest.

I left the office building and got a cab downtown to see about getting my car back, but it wold not be completely processed until the next day, and I would have to appear before a judge to get it under the new scofflaw act the city had just passed. So I hailed another cab, the driver of which smelled like a goat and spoke barely passable English in a dialect that seemed a cross between Scottish and Swahili, so I bailed out and ended the ride about a mile from home at my favorite neighborhood watering hole.

The keg on my favorite tap had gone bad and the brew was flat and soured. They were out of my favorite bourbon, and my favorite waitress was on vacation leaving me with toothless Terry, the grouchiest bitchiest man hater you ever met, so I settled for an Old Bushmills neat and decided to pass a bit of time brooding and crying in my whiskey. The drunken fool who mistook my ass for the bulls eye on the dart board could do nothing but laugh at me, but at least my friend Rosco, the barkeep had the sense to usher the guy out before I took his head off. When Terry waddled her cottage cheese filled bulk over towards me with the first aid kit saying "let me help your asshole Asshole" I left.

So I flowed home in my one man whiskey flood, and found a decent Tennessee swill in my own liquor cabinet, and had just settled into my comfy chair in a suitably dark room when my wife's sing song greeted me.

"Hi Sweety, I'm glad you're home!"

Strike 1.

Then she turned on the lights and opened the drapes. So much for suitably dark.

Strike 2.

She was messing with fire.

"I have some good news and bad news."

I hate those fucking jokes. They just are never quite right. Forget about funny, they are just so wrong.

Strike 3.

I was just about to call her out and throw her out of my fucking game when she continued. Damn her. This woman's voice was music to my ears, I couldn't call her out now.

"The good news is I have found my soul mate."

Oh fuck. Can I invent a strike four? Can I decree hat there is an extra harsh penalty for strike four!?

Strike four.

"The bad news is I would like your blessing and a divorce."

Now logic would suggest strike five, but that wasn't the case. As a matter of fact, the good news was actually good and the bad news really good. But she went on.

"Before you over react, I am proposing he most generous of settlements. I intend to take nothing except my clothing and personal care items. I'm denouncing my claim to any community property or financial support now or in the future."

Let me see, I had good news, then really good news, so I was up to...rescinding strikes three and four, there would be no call of out and no ejection from the game.

"The kids are grown, and they will always be our connection to our old lives. We will see each other at weddings, baby showers, all that good stuff..."

Oh. She was leaving, but I'd still have to see her?

"So you'll get to see me."

I might reinstate strike three...

"And Teddy is very sensitive to the fact that he is taking me from you in your golden years. He knows you didn't expect this, and has agreed to let me make conjugal visits on your birthday and our anniversary each year. So that is good news too!"

Oh no, no it wasn't!! I had to dissuade her from this one!!

"However, he says once he and I are married, I can only give you blowjobs, not my pussy..."

Phew, that was a small blessing. No seriously, if you haven't figured it out, my wife Sally was the worst fuck in the history of copulation. That's why the bad news here wasn't so bad, and the good news was great. Thing was she couldn't suck a dick worth a shit either, so I might still need to find a way out of these conjugal visits. How did she manage to pick that term for a mercy fuck? After all, a divorce would be letting me out of prison.

I decided I'd play this to the hilt. Sally was nothing if not stubborn. She obviously had made up her mind to leave me for Teddy. However, Sally was a softy, and a very compassionate softy. This would require acting aplomb on my part.

"Teddy?" Sniff, sniff. I let my face go blank and dropped my jaw. Her cheery countenance faded. I'm sure she expected a reaction, but not one of distress. We haven't been super passionate lately, but we've always been comfy-cozy. She might have expected anger or a stiff upper lip stoicism. Those were both a part of my normal tool chest of emotional responses. "Teddy Worthaton from the country club?"

"Why yes dear, Teddy Worth..."

"You've been cheating on me with Teddy?"

"Noooooooooo! We have not cheated on you. We have deliberately held off from having sex nail you and I are properly divorced! I made vows to you I intend to keep!"

Good. They hadn't had sex. Oh yes, I believed Sally. She was always painfully honest, and I am quite sure something existed in her brains hard wiring that made lying impossible for her. That meant Teddy would still be in the dark about what a bad fuck Sally is. He would also be quite anxious to sample her "charms." Yes, I would definitely be able to play this one up.

"But you vowed 'As long as we both shall live' too! I have counted on that through the past twenty five years! Now that I am too old to start again, you are going to leave me alone? I get to spend my golden years in this big old drafty and empty house, with only the ghosts of you and our kids to keep me company?"

I was so into my role, I felt the tears coming on, and made no effort to stop them. She rushed to take me in her arms to comfort me, but just as she did I squirmed away.

"Stop! Just stop. Don't touch me! You think you can break my heart and give me any comfort? Is like rubbing salt into the wounds! That and you conjugal visits? I've loved you all my life like no one else. I'd have walk through fire for you, and you spring this on me? 'Surpise honey! You get to spend the rest of your life broken and alone!" Thanks Sally. Thanks so much. Now at least leave me with some dignity, and take your meager comfort and your twice a year mercy fucks...oh wait no...mercy cock sucking sessions back to Mr. I Have Everything So Im Stealing Your Wife Just For Kicks Teddy Worthalot. Leave me here to try to find something to look forward to."

"Oh sweetheart, you have so much! You have your wonderful job, and your beautiful vintage cars..."

Perfect. That brought a wail from me. I recounted being stopped for speeding, having my vintage El Dorado impounded because of her tickets, and then being fired before she delivered her good news. By the time I was done she was crying her eyes out, and ran from the house blubbering.

She ran to the driveway. There was a spiffy new Jag parked there. She got in, but it didn't leave. A short time later, she got back out, and this time led Teddy Worthalot into my home.

She let him talk.

"Jim, I'm sorry. This wasn't planned. But Sally and I have spent a lot of time together the past few months working on various civic and charity projects. We grew close. Over working lunches and after parties we discovered we have many interests in common, and a strong emotional bond developed. We have been seeing each other socially for about a month, I can't lie, but we have not done more than hold hands and exchange a chaste kiss now and then. When we decided to pursue an exclusive relationship, we had hoped to spare you pain. Sally thought you would respond calmly, and eventually accept what she wants out of the rest of her life. We never anticipated you taking it so hard."

"Still, we both feel strongly about pursuing this dream, so I am prepared to make your life easier in return for your acceptance of the inevitable. I spent my life trying not to flaunt my wealth, and trying to use it to make the world better, so I feel very strange having you think of me as, oh Sally, how did he say it?"

"Mr. I Have Everything So Im Stealing Your Wife Just For Kicks Teddy Worthalot."

"Yes, quite painful. But I do see your point. So in return for your understanding I am prepared to offer you some distinctly pleasant compensation. First, I am on the board of directors of your company. We will be holding our monthly meeting on Friday. Before that meeting the law firm of Cox and Coles will send a representative to the chairman with a lawsuit claiming unlawful termination due to age discrimination against the company and your ex-boss. I will ensure you are handsomely compensated for your losses by an extremely attractive golden parachute deal, partially funded by a severe cut in salary both to your ex-boss and the little toadie he hired to replace you."

A good start I thought. Lets definitely forget inventing strike four.

"Next, I can't replace the loss of your wife in your golden years as she reports you put it. However, I can assure you ways of attracting ample female companionship of either the long or short term variety as you desire. I have a property at the harbor with a lovely four bedroom condo, a 50' docking space, and deeded membership to the attached yacht club. It is yours free and clear, with 15 years of fees and membership costs paid in advance."

Strike three, erased.

"I will pay your parking fines, and get your car out of impound. Since old cars are your passion, I have a '72 Dino 246 GT in my garage at West Palm that could use a little TLC. The car is like new, but it has been stored for years, and I have been meaning to sell it to someone who cares. I believe you will love this car and treasure it as it should be treasured. While not a woman like Sally, driving it to classic car meets on a sunny summer day would make you look extremely sexy, and may grease the skids for you finding someone to fill the void Sally will leave behind."

Yes Teddy did have money. And he wasn't afraid to use it. I had to be careful not to insinuate he was buying my wife. I was actually pretty happy with how far he was going, I didn't want to ruin it now.

Strike Two? What strike two? I never said strike two, did I?

"Next, I have this little townhouse in New Hampshire. I bought it for my son when he was on a learn to ski kick, but it didn't last, and no one ever uses it. I know you love to ski, and this place is quite lovely. It has maid service and I'll even throw in the Jeep in the garage. Sorry, it is a new Jeep, and I know you like classic cars. But it is very reliable in the cold and even in very deep snow, so I think you'll like it."

Like to ski? Shit, I loved it, but Sally didn't. So we rarely went, and never for longer than a day or two. So money, a condo on the water, a condo on the slopes, a jeep, a classic Ferrari, my Caddy back in my garage, and a significant financial settlement.

Strike one erased.

But I had to play it cool.

"I don't know. How can I accept that in return for the love of my life. It's very generous Teddy, but there just isn't money to replace Sally. You win. Take her. I don't need compensation."

"Don't look at it as compensation. Look at it as our guilt offering. We can't help being in love. We want you to have some happiness too, so we want to ease your suffering."

Ease my suffering? Wait until he fucks her. Hell, she had me at "The bad news is I'm leaving." I've been channeling my inner "WOO HOO!" ever since.

"Fine. I don't want to stand in the way of Sally's peace and contentment."

Peace and contentment. Where the hell did I pull that one from!?

"Just send me the papers. I'll sign them right away."

Teddy whipped out his phone and turned his back talking to someone. Sally rushed to me, squealing with delight. I stopped her short.

"Please Sally, no. I'm a little fragile right now. I'm afraid hugging you would just bring the pain back. Maybe some day in the future, but for now, again, give me my dignity. For your sake, and for a life of love with you, I'm going to suck it up and let you go. If you don't want me anymore, I still want you to be happy."

"Oh Sweety, it's not that I don't want you, actually I wish you would agree to my visits to your bed on special occasions. I still want to share part of my life with you."

"I can't. That would hurt to much when you left. Better to break it clean and remember the good times."

Ok I was laying it on thick, playing the brave martyr. The brave, soon to be rich and retired and single martyr.

"Just make me one more promise instead."

"What my love?"

"Stay my wife until the divorce is final. It would mean a lot to know you respected our fidelity until everything was official? Do that one thing for me?"

I was sure Teddy was planning to get his rocks off in my beautiful now-estranged wife as soon as they left. Hell he was decked in Armani and she was dressed to the nines, they were certainly going out on the town to celebrate. But I know Sally. Ever honest, ever compassionate, ever true...well nearly true. She may not have fucked him but the kind of intimacy that leads a woman from her husband is cheating too, only sans orgasms. Wait I said sans right, I should properly keep the entire metaphor French, so sans les Petits Morts. I love that the French know the orgasm as "the little death." Just that heart stopping moment when nothing in your life matters but cummmmmmming. Something I had to look forward to. And something Teddy was about to find less intense than the French label indicates. Oh Teddy, have hope. You did get screwed today, but not by Sally.

There was a knock on the door. Two gentlemen in suits entered the door which was answered by Teddy. He actually had his lawyer down the street in the grand tradition of the Lincoln Lawyer, with a laptop and a printer in the back, and pre-written contracts for the divorce and settlements ready for some blank fill-ins. They had driven up while the paralegal/notary was typing, printed the documents, and in minutes I was signing the end of my marriage and a post nuptial dowry from her new fiancé. Yup, I said fiancé, because as soon as I put down my pen, he put the ring on her finger and popped the question.

I guess he thought he got the last dig in with that. But he hasn't heard about my last words with Sally. As they stepped out of the house, she told him. The last thing I heard HER say as they left was , "Sweety, I was talking to Jim while you were talking to the lawyer on the phone. I promised him I wouldn't be unfaithful, so no hanky panky before the divorce is final, ok?"

Then I heard his last word.

"WHAT!"

So I moved on. The company settled for an obscene amount of money. I collected my new wealth from Teddy. Then I took a cruise around the world. There were many lovely ladies on board, and I sampled several. They all lived up to the cute French little death thing. Damn did they ever. I was away for the divorce final decree, anchored in the Mediterranean with an Italian vintner's daughter who had a thing for vintage Ferrari's. but Sally and Teddy each sent me a lovely email.

Sally's said "It's done Jim, the divorce is final. I don't regret loving you or our life with the kids. Think you for that. And thank you for being so big about Teddy and me. I appreciate that. I do regret losing you though. I wanted it all you see, but couldn't have you both at the same time. I'll always love you!"

Teddy's was much less wordy, but no less emotional. It read"FUCK YOU! I GAVE YOU THE WORLD FOR THE WORST FUCK EVER!"

Yup he did. Two months later, my cruise ship docked back in Florida. I came off the ship smiling ear to ear. A porter wheeled the baggage cart full of my luggage and acquisitions after all those moms at sea. I was tanned. I was Fit from hitting the health club each day. I was feeling like a stud after sampling the cuisines and women of dozens of cultures. I had my housekeeper park my Escalade in the lot so I could drive myself home, but as we approached, I saw Sally leaning against a familiar dark Jag parked beside it.

She smiled, and came close, careful not to spook me with a hug. I told you she was sensitive. I had, however, made tremendous progress in healing on my trip. I took her in my arms and hugged her.

"It's nice to see you Sally."

"It's good to see you too Jim! And I reallllly mean that! Cruising agrees with you."

She squeezed my bicep and ran her hand over my bulked up shoulders and chest.

"Thanks Sally. But why are you here."

She had the good sense to blush, since there really was no good reason to be here to meet me. Our divorce was final, our kids on their own, and she wasn't living in my house, so it couldn't be something domestic like a broken water pipe.

"Jim, I'm going to be direct. I made the worst mistake of my life with Teddy. It wasn't love, it was lust, and once we scratched that itch we quickly lost interest in each other. It wasn't long before I found myself craving our marriage and wanting you back. I've been kicking myself over what I did to us. So I came here to find out what it would take to become your wife again?"

I opened the car door and tipped the porter who began loading my baggage, then turned back to Sally.

"Easy Hun, turn into her."

Sally turned to follow my point. A striking olive skin beauty strode our way, her tight fitting knit blouse doing nothing to hide her ample but firm breasts, and her long lean legs pumping the perfect hip swaying model walk as she continued to draw close on her stylish high heeled scrappy sandals.

"0h sure," Sally giggled. "All I need is to lose 25 pounds and 10 years, then gain an Italian maker and a pair of thousand dollar shoes. Ok, very funny. She's gorgeous, I'll give you that, but I can't turn into her, so dream on."

"No need to dream Sally, I wake up to her every day now. I'd like you to meet my new wife, Anna Maria DiOrio, recently of Tuscany, Italia. We met and married on the cruise."

Sally's face fell. There was nothing more to say. She congratulated Anna Maria and hugged s both. She began to tear up, and confessed to us both that she had hoped to throw herself on my mercy, and remake our life together.