"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there's got to be a way through it." - Michael J. Fox
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Leaning against the marble tiled shower wall like he was holding it up, Dan let it all go. Let it all go. With his head tilted down, he smiled to himself with the enjoyment of letting the hot water from the shower pour over his head, roll off and fall drop by drop to the floor. As he watched the water swirl around the drain before going down, he considered it a perfect metaphor for where he was in his life. But it was calming. Until the hot water ran out and turned cold. He dried himself off and put on his robe. Now it was time for the lecture. It was time for some truths and acceptance after the fact.
Looking in the mirror, he gave himself a quick once-over, and speaking to his reflection, "Well, here we are again. Admit it to yourself now and acknowledge the truth... because the truth, Dan my friend, will set you free."
Decisions had to be made. Any thoughts of self-pity from now on we're going to be dismissed as pathetic, non-productive behavior. Don't do anything rash, but do something. Put a pen to paper and write down some sort of plan. Look at all the options. Divorce? Not this time. There would be no divorce.
To confirm that Dan spoke to his reflection, "Get real, you have it all here. But you didn't do it alone. Carrie was by your side the whole way. And now you depend on her. Your sort of stuck, sucker."
The face that reflected back to him turned stern and the voice hard demanding, "Make peace with this thing, Dan. It's over. If you don't, it's going to slowly rot you inside-out..."
Then the fact check. "Let's cut to the chase, your not going anywhere. You know she loves you. You know it. And you love her. That's something to work with. A beginning anyway. So are we done here? Because I want to go to bed. No more nonsense. No Divorce. The end! Final! "
That guy in the mirror seemed pretty convinced, but how I was going to live with Carrie and that decision?
That wasn't so clear.
Dan paused a moment to study his appearance in the mirror with a critical eye. Was he an attractive man? Did women consider him an attractive man? Leaning over the sink while twisting his head this way and that to examine his face for flaws, he continued the conversation with himself, "Now, if you're are going to move forward with Carrie, you have a really big inconvenient truth to accept. You already know the truth in your heart, but you have to make it real. You can't move forward without a reality check can you?"
Dan looked into the mirror with a mixture of resolve, regret, and sorrow by listening to an inner truth that could not be denied. So with surrender, he made it real by speaking the words aloud to his image in the mirror, "Be honest with yourself, it's not Carrie's fault you don't do it for her. That ball's in your court. That's your problem, not hers."
Man, that hurt to acknowledge. That cut a real as a knife. Down to the bone.
As he backed up from the mirror absorbing the truth of his own counsel, Dan sighed and gave himself no mercy, "You're pretty much a dumb fuck, you know that, right? How could you have lived with this woman for so many years and not know how to rock her world? But even a dumb fuck can learn to man-up. So man-the-fucking-up and stop being angry at Carrie because you can't do the job dipshit. Why are you hurting, because you're second best? Hell, you may not be even in the top one hundred, or top one thousand, or the top million even. Anyway, besides this sex stuff recently, she's been a good wife and a good mother. That's solid gold.
And can't you see she must really love you. She must love you something crazy. Think about it. Try and remember all the sex you've ever shared together. You couldn't count the number of times. And throughout all those years together, Carrie fake it with you to protect your feelings. She sacrificed herself for your ego.
Poor Carrie knew you were giving it your all, giving it your best shot and she didn't want to hurt your feelings by letting you know you weren't doing it for her. Yeah, she should have said something but isn't that just like Carrie. Being considerate and all.
That is a lot of unselfish love for a woman to give any man. How many women do you know, would fake it for you like that? Every moan of pleasure your ears heard or every display of passion Carrie displayed was faked. Sure that hurts to hear but you know it's true. And just to be married to you? Seriously, get real. Carrie loves you.
The end.
Accept it, you just can't do it for her like her fantasy man. Live with it. The song remains the same. Get on with your life and be happy. You know sex isn't everything. I guess..."
"
Carrie was in bed, rolled over to one side. With her right arm propping up head in hand, she lay quietly alone with her thoughts. She heard Dan mumbling something to himself in the bathroom. It wasn't unusual after he got out of the shower, he would talk to himself in the mirror of their bathroom.
She considered them pep talks to himself. Before he would start any new projects around the house she would know about them weeks in advance because of these talks with himself after a shower. She had heard him many times while checking out her phone waiting for him to come to bed. "...it's not going to get done if you don't start it. You're going to need a least 3 gallons of paint..maybe 4...." Those 5 minutes after a shower was where Dan would turn over ideas to formulate plans that could be turned into action. She felt a sense of comfort hearing him as he mumbled to himself in their bathroom.
Carrie had plenty of time to think about what she had done to Dan over the past two weeks, but tonight made it real. To see her husband having sex with another woman had been devastating. How could he have done that to her? Then almost immediately it flipped back on her, how could she have done that to him?
Watching the bathroom door intensely for Dan to come out was her focal point, but her thoughts were all over the place. "At least he's home. I can start working on fixing this now. How did I get into this mess? Less than 3 weeks ago I had everything. Now I am struggling to save my marriage to a man I know I can't be without. It's not just the love between us, it's also the companionship we share. I'm struggling to save that friendship. We had our own world. He trusts me so much. At least he used to. I just pray I can regain that trust. And I promise, never again. Never, ever again. I swear to God if we can just move past this...."
So many thoughts were zipping through her mind, but there was one thought just under the surface and couldn't quite break through. And in between all those random thoughts, that one that was below the surface would make its presence known to Carrie by hinting during pauses of the inner voice's consul. About tonight. Like there was something she missed. It definitely had something to do with tonight and Janet. Something was off. She could feel she almost had it, but her inner voice would reassure Carrie saying, "It must not be important, it will come to you later." Then the bathroom door opened.
Dan looked at her briefly and smiled before he flicked off the light which left the bedroom in total darkness. Carrie heard Dan mover over to his dresser, open a drawer and pulled out something to wear in bed. After putting on some old track pants and a t-shirt, Dan slipped under sheets and mirrored Carrie position turning on his side propping up his head with his hand to face her.
The room was dark except where the curtain was open allowing some illumination in from the street lights. What small amount of light that came through, fell across their bed and allowed each to view each other. Their king size bed allowed both enough space to keep their distance comfortably. Looking a Carrie, Dan knew he should say something, " You want to talk Carrie?"
Carrie looked at her husband but didn't say a word. Slowing Carrie started moving her way towards Dan side of the bed. Dan looked at her come toward him, what the heck was she doing now. When she reached the middle Carrie spoke softly, "Scoot over to the center of the bed Dan." Dan did as he was told. Carrie moved right next to him face to face and kissed him gently on the lips. Then she took his hand in hers, quickly turned over, and pulled his arm around her so they were spooning. She tucked his arm into her body, she kissed his hand and said, "Welcome home husband. I've missed you. Goodnight."
"I missed you too, wife. Goodnight."
