September 13, 2019
Kenneth Miller
"Seek salvation in glass that cannot be broken."
I woke up to the noise of a text message alert. The number seemed unfamiliar. I tried calling it, no answer. Bit of a strange start to my day.
As I was preparing to get up, I was reminded of the dreaded elephant in the room. My wife was, by no means, an elephant, but you get the idea. Even seeing her face was too painful for me. I got up at 6, earlier than usual, took a shower and got ready for work. I was mentally unprepared for a confrontation.
Work was too intense for me to deal with in my tenuous mental state. I realized that I needed a few days.. Or even months off if I could get it. Money was not an issue for me, so I could even consider resigning if push came to shove.
I ran on autopilot at work. As I was returning home, I realized that facing Sarah right then was a terrible idea. I was definitely not a great actor, and needed more time to mentally prepare myself to confront Sarah and Melissa. I booked a hotel for the night after texting Sarah that I was visiting a sick friend, Bryan. Even now, I felt guilty for lying to her. I wondered how she managed to lie to me all these years without feeling anything. It seemed like an enormous act of betrayal on its own, without the fucking around part.
There was another thing on my mind. The cryptic text that I received from a stranger. At first glance, it seemed pointless. I tried deciphering it and came up with a few interpretations. I thought that perhaps the person that sent me the text was somewhat aware of my personal circumstances, through whatever means. And the resolution that I needed was to be found in unbreakable glass, whatever that was.
I woke up next morning and decided to go for a jog. When your wife cheats on you, irrespective of the reason, you start questioning your own attractiveness. Hearing Sarah's words a couple of days ago, one would guess that even if I kept myself in better shape, it wouldn't help. But who knows.
Gazing upon the pellucid waters of Lake Mackenzie, I ruminated over my life. I thought about the future of my marriage and family. Could I ever forgive Melissa and Sarah's betrayals? Melissa was single, and an adult. While I didn't necessarily approve of what she's apparently doing, she's not the one that cheated on me. The internal turmoil of conflicting emotions was overwhelming. Before this incident, I would have bet my right hand on the integrity of their characters. Both my wife and daughter are very empathetic and helpful. Without Sarah, I would not even be alive.
When I was younger, I almost got into an accident. Sarah and I were walking near a construction site. It was a lazy afternoon, and I was casually strolling around with earphones plugged in (terrible thing to do in public). Sarah went over to the local ice cream vendor to get some cones for us. As I was passing by the construction, I felt someone violently push me to the side and ice cream splattered all over my face, with a loud bang. It took me a moment to process the event. But I realized that a metal beam had fallen to the ground. Sarah risked her life to shove me out of its way. The glistening tears and her broken voice. The terror in her visage as she pondered my potential death. Were they all lies? Did she transform to a different person at some point in our marriage?
I tried to analyze our marriage seeking a possible answer. Nothing. Sarah never changed in any way. We did have arguments in our marriage, as all married couples do. But they were extremely rare. And we never went to bed mad at each other. That's a rule a lot of couples try to adhere to, but very few succeed. We were one of them. Or so I thought.
Now, we arrive at another fork in the road. Sarah stated that she loved me more than anything in the world in her conversation with Melissa that I eavesdropped on. What does it mean to love someone? Can you love someone while fucking other people? I always thought that the answer was a resounding NO. But I have to admit that I've never quite thought it through. It seemed like an obvious truth, but I never thought about it too deeply.
Her actions, aside from having sex with other men, indicated the fact that she undoubtedly loved me. And even in spite of the pain she caused me with her betrayal, I had to admit, albeit reluctantly, that I still loved her. The idea of living a life without Sarah was much more painful than the damage she inflicted.
So, what to do going forward? I tried listing the answers in my head. None of them were attractive prospects.
1. Divorce Sarah and leave her. Have a strained relationship with Melissa for the rest of my life.
2. Let sleeping dogs lie. Pretend I don't know anything and go on as if nothing ever happened.
3. Confront Sarah with the truth. Give her an ultimatum to stop sleeping with other men.
4. Let Sarah know the truth and accept her ways.
I dozed off on the shore, exhausted from my run.