Hello again, journal.
These entries are a far cry from the types of things I wrote about in my youth but it really helped getting through the last entry. So I'm asking for your help again because my life doesn't make any more sense to me than my last entry. I'm crawling back to you to help me through the latest turn of events in a life that is more bewildering than ever.
By the time I made it home from my the coffee shop, I resolved that my marriage deserved what it always deserved. I knew I would offer Tom 100% honesty. Maybe he did not want to know everything. Maybe I was going home to my peaceful, stable, successful marriage for the last time. I made a mistake in that I cheated on my husband. The things I did with Greg did not feel like a mistake. Far from it. But they were incompatible with an honest committed marriage. I could not and would not try to live with this kind of secret from my loyal husband. We would talk about what happened and I would work with him on whatever emotions came up. I had to accept that Tom had every right to be very upset. To end our marriage even. All that said, I did see a path forward and I would give it my best shot.
The first right step started the moment I walked in the door. There was no putting this off. I was missing the pantyhose my husband bought for me, loved to see me in, and noticed I was wearing when I left the house earlier this evening. Dancing around the fact that I left them somewhere at Greg's house and why that would be, would mean lying from the get-go. There would be no coming back from that path. I parked my car in the garage. Admired this house we had, this new car I was driving, and this wonderful life that I built with my husband and walked into the house through the kitchen door.
The sound of my heels clicking across the hardwood kitchen floor evoked recent memories. I swallowed hard.
"Hello, my love," my husband called from the living room.
He was reading in the living room, right where I left him. He wasn't waiting up for me, suspicious of the late hour. He was just enjoying his latest book. He had become a voracious reader since I encouraged him to give up alcohol. He was as intelligent, patient, attending, and loving to me and our children as he ever was. More so.
"How was your evening?" he asked, genuinely interest in hearing about my day, as always.
He was great at listening and helping me navigate work relationships and career obstacles. Our open lines of communication have long been a key to our success.
"It was good. Fun...I think," I was hedging. I hadn't quite worked this part out.
"You think?," he smiled. He joined me in the kitchen.
I side stepped and positioned myself on the other side of the kitchen island, hiding my bare, no pantyhose, legs. Buying time. I wobbled on one of my heels and realized I was not entirely sober. I had a bit too much wine and felt bad about driving home. I was grateful my new EV, the new EV my faithful husband helped me pay for and cheered me on through the buying process, had played a crucial role in piloting me safely home.
"Was there much of a turnout?" he asked.
"Umm. It was a small group and it thinned out," I started. "Listen, Tom. There's something I want to talk about. We have sort of talked about it before...a bit. I genuinely want to know more about what you think of it."
"Sure, hun. Anything," he offered.
"it's kind of a biggie," I continued. "This is a big open and honest moment."
"Ok...", he hesitated but still engaged.
"Is it... Is it really a turnon if a wife sleeps with another man? Or is that just a fantasy and in real life cheating is just cheating?"
He blushed. He had explicitly shared this fantasy in earnest only a couple of times and I never responded well. He had only made passing jokes about it since. Flirting, maybe. Now we were only having a real conversation about it because I was trying to justify my actions after the fact. I felt like such a hypocrite.
"Well, I guess it really depends on the couple. Plenty of divorces happen because of cheating. Directly or indirectly," he was working this out as he spoke.
The truth is, this is really an attractive quality of his. He could get that big brain of his working at the drop of a hat and come up with a rational explanation of just about anything.
He continued, "I guess a key is that cheating is firstly rooted in a lack of mutual consent, thusly it's dishonest. Sometimes it's deliberately malicious, because one partner is doing it to thumb their nose at the other. In any case, real cheating is a symptom of something wrong in the marital relationship. They don't love each other, there's a lack of communication or honesty, lack of shared goals or values. Basically one or more of the partners isn't fully invested. Pick you reason I guess "
"So honesty and consent makes it...not cheating?", I asked, not fully getting the idea as a relationship dynamic.
"At a minimum, I'd say that's the baseline. Wife sharing, hotwives, cuckolding, whatever term a couple might choose, it has to start with honest communication and consent. I can't speak to all couples who might be doing this but I would hazard a guess many couples want reassurance that the marital relationship is the primary one. That each is emotionally invested and loyal to the other spouse over any external partner. Which means the marriage has to be solid to begin with. If there are weaknesses in the relationship or doubts about trust and honesty, I don't know if a marriage could survive the hotwife dynamic," he finished.
"And this is just the wife...dating? This isn't like a sneaky way for the husband to guilt the wife into letting him sleep with other women?", I asked, re-articulating my suspicion of the dynamic from the first time Tom mentioned it all those years ago.
"Well, we are talking about two consenting adults defining their interpersonal relationship however they choose. So hotwifing, if that's a word, is just that. The wife, with the knowledge and consent of the husband, goes on a date and the husband supports that. The husband has no extramarital encounters. It's distinct from swinging in which both partners consent to allow both partners to have other partners... in their presence...I assume. Open relationships are something else," he mused. "To your concern, a husband who would talk his wife into sleeping with another man to somehow claim the moral authority to have their own extramarital relationship is being deeply dishonest. That strongly suggests the marriage has fundamental issues that might not survive normal circumstances, never mind an advanced sexual dynamic with their partner."
"So what makes it a turnon for the husband if only the wife gets to go out and have extra sex?," I asked hoping to get to the heart of the matter.
Tom smirked. It was cute. I think we are getting close to the heart of things.
"Well, I can't speak for all such couples but I would say it's the sense of adventure. Trying something new and different. Knowing another man finds your wife attractive. Maybe your wife is open with the other guy in different sexual ways than they are at home. Maybe watching her experience new pleasures as an observer is it's own type of foreplay. Then there's the excitement of having the wife come home and reconnecting sexually. I imagine it's really reaffirming, having your wife go out and experience something different but still want to come home to her husband and be happy and in love," he paused.
I was stunned. My mouth was hanging open. That had hit too close to home. Literally and metaphorically. I had done exactly that and all I wanted now was my husband and happy life.
"...and there are other dynamics I suppose. Some guys might want an element of female dominance, taunting, humiliation, orgasm denial, but those are nuances on the theme I guess," he shrugged.
I did not understand what most of those last words meant. I shook it off. There was some come running down my inner thigh, like a timer running a countdown. If it made it past my skirt hem, time was up and this conversation might be going in another direction quickly.
"So what about you? What parts of it appeal to you...if it does?", I ventured.
Tom blushed harder and rubbed the back of his head, while he smirked.
"I guess it's the sense of adventure. I envision you unlocking some aspect of your sexuality. Getting excited about sex as a form of pleasure beyond reaffirming marital bonds. Maybe a little good natured teasing and foreplay before you go out on a date. Then coming home to me, excited about your adventure, still turned on, eager to share your story while we had sex, reclaiming each other's body, reaffirming our connection, and having steamy sex," he finished.
"You'd want to have sex with me right after I had sex with another guy? Messy and all that?" I asked, amazed a cautiously hopeful.
"Yeah, it'd be really hot, I think. Sliding into you when you're slick from another guy," he trailed off.
"Do you think you could really enjoy that? Like for real?"I asked.
"Look I'm self-aware enough to recognize that fantasies can be just fantasies that don't translate well to real life. But I'd be willing to give it a sincere try, be honest about how I felt about it, and be willing to accept working through it if the reality had more complicated emotions than the fantasy," he conceded, "But that's all a big 'if'... I'd like the chance to give it a try."
I was probably stalling if I dragged this out any further. I stepped around the island but closed the distance between us hopefully before he noticed my missing pantyhose. It was time to give Tom the chance to decide if this was a genuine turnon.
I gave him a warm hug and leaned my head back and invited a kiss from my husband. As he kissed me, I placed my hand on his crotch. He immediately squeezed me harder and kissed me deeper.
When the kiss ended naturally, I asked, "Would you want to be a part of the planning, or watch, or maybe want it to be a surprise?"
My voice wavered on that last part, but I had slid my hand down the front of Tom's pants and was gripping his swiftly forming erection.
He was getting aroused and flustered with this unexpected fantasy talk. "Umm...yes." His eyes were closed, enjoying feeling my hand on his erection. "All those things could be very...very hot."
