Honey We Have to Tal

"Honey, we have to talk," she said.

I let my wife stand there for a minute, with her hands on her hips, until I acknowledged her. I sat at the kitchen table, coolly chewing the steak I had just grilled for myself while she was "out with the girls."

"Out with the girls." Yeah, right. I knew exactly where she was and what she was doing. I had known for months.

"Do we?" I finally asked after making her fidget from foot to foot for a while.

"I'm not happy," she said, "with our marriage. I feel like we need to do something about that."

"Do you?" I asked, chuckling to myself. "What could we possibly do?"

I had worked my ass off for twenty years at the mill, pulling overnight shifts more often than not, and working overtime every week to put food on our table and a roof over our heads. I worked hard enough to put our son and daughter through college, and made enough money to allow Rebecca, my wife, to stay home and raise the kids. Evidently, that wasn't enough.

"I...I just feel like it would be good - for both of us - to maybe expand our horizons a little," she said.

I took another bite of steak. The rarer, the better, I always say. This piece was practically mooing.

"Expand our horizons," I repeated. "You mean like taking a basket weaving class together or something?" I nearly choked on my steak.

"Well, not exactly," she said. She slinked toward me, and I could smell the cheap wine on her breath, the same way she always smelled when she came home after a night out. I smelled something else, too. It was something distinctive and unsurprising.

She sat on the chair next to me and rubbed her hand along my thigh as I continued to eat.

"I was thinking more along the lines of something fun," she said. "Kinky, even. Something...exciting."

"You mean like sky-diving?" I asked, trying not to laugh.

"No..." she said. Her hand wandered clumsily over to my crotch. "I was thinking...maybe you'd like to do something a little wild...sexually."

"Oh, sexually," I said. "You mean maybe you'll finally let me fuck you up the ass?"

"Eww, no!"

"Then what do you mean?"

"I mean," she said, rubbing my dick through my pants a little more vigorously now, "what do you think about opening our marriage? Wouldn't you like to fuck some new, young, pussy?"

"Sure," I said, "except there's that inconvenient thing getting in the way."

"You don't have to wear a condom," she offered.

"No, I mean our wedding vows," I said. "I mean, I promised to forsake all others, in front of our friends and family and God. I can't very well break that promise, could I? What sort of despicable human being would ever do such a thing?"

She gave me a fake laugh. "Oh, honey, it's just sex. I wouldn't mind."

"Well, I would," I said.

She suddenly stopped her dick rubbing. It wasn't getting her anywhere, anyway.

"Why do you always have to be such a stick in the mud?" she asked. "Every time I suggest we do something new and exciting, you say no. We're not getting any younger, you know. Our window of opportunity keeps getting smaller and smaller."

"Well," I said, chewing another bite, "if you want to break the promise you made to all those people, that's your choice. But I'm not going to be a part of that."

Her demeanor shifted once again, and her dick-rubbing exercise recommenced.

"You mean...you'd be okay with me having some fun even if you're not doing the same?"

I picked up my last piece of steak with my fork and examined it for a moment before popping it into my mouth. Then I pointed my steak knife straight between her eyes.

"You really think you can cuckold me?"

The dick rubbing came to an abrupt halt once again.

"I...I was just thinking it might spice things up for us," she stammered. "You know our sex life has been pretty much dead for a long time now."

"Yeah," I said, "it has. And whose fault is that? Mine? I know what you've been doing, Rebecca."

"Wh...what do you mean?"

"I know about your so-called girls nights out. I know all about the guys you've been sucking and fucking in the back room of the bar, in their cars, in seedy hotel rooms, and even in a seedy alleyway. Seriously, do you have no standards?"

The expression on her face was priceless. Her jaw practically hit the table and her dopey eyes bugged out of her head and grew as wide as a couple of dinner plates.

"Wh...what are you talking about? I didn't do any of those things!"

I shook my head slowly and sighed. "Really, Rebecca? Are you really going to insult my intelligence by denying you did this?"

"Yes!" she exclaimed, folding her arms in front of her.

I shook my head again and motioned toward the pendant dangling from her necklace.

"Do you remember when I gave you that necklace?" I asked.

She looked confused for a moment. "Umm...yeah. Our last anniversary. What does that-"

"That's around the same time as you started your girls nights out, isn't it?"

"Umm...I guess so."

"And you never noticed anything unusual about that necklace?"

She held it out in front of her and turned it from side to side, examining it from every angle.

"It's amazing," I said, "how far technology has advanced in my lifetime. I remember when video cameras weighed a ton. And you had to carry them around with the VCR attached! Remember that?"

Rebecca just cocked her head and looked at me like I was crazy.

"Anyway, the cameras they have today are so tiny you can fit them in a necklace pendant. Can you believe that?"

Once again, I savored the expression on her face as the realization came to her. She seemed to fade into nothing, right before my eyes.

"Every night after your night out, I waited until you passed out - or "fell asleep" as you would say. Then I took your necklace from the dresser, downloaded the latest video, watched it from beginning to end, edited the best parts, and uploaded it to my favorite porn site. Oh, by the way, congratulations, honey, you're a porn star!"

I didn't think her complexion could grow any paler, but I was wrong. She was how practically invisible.

"Don't worry, love," I said. "I set all of these videos to private, so no one can see them but me."

I reached into the bin next to me and extracted a manilla envelope, which I tossed in her direction.

"I had my lawyer draw these up about a week ago," I explained. "I was just waiting for the right time to give them to you. Now seems like a good time."

She was visibly shaking, and her watering eyes overflowed, creating streams of tears down her cheeks.

"I'm not going to lie." I said. "The terms of this divorce aren't fair. You are getting far less than you could if you choose to fight this. But...and I don't mean to be an asshole about this, but you've given me no choice: if you don't accept these terms, these videos I've uploaded will be made public to everyone you know. And trust me, I will make sure they all have the links."

I've never actually seen a person melt into a puddle of tears before - until that moment.

Epilogue:

Needless to say, Rebecca accepted my terms and we achieved an amicable and stress-free divorce. For the first time in her adult life, she is working. In fact, she is working as a waitress at the same bar where she used to whore herself. That has to be awkward for her.

As for me, I've never been happier. I work less, go out more, and I have just met an incredible woman who seems to appreciate me for who I am.

The other day, in fact, she told me, "Honey, we have to talk."

I sighed and shook my head. "What is it?" I asked.

She smiled. "I just want to tell you how much I love you, and how much you mean to me."

"Now that," I said, "is a conversation worth having."