Well, I see some of you wankers are back for more punishment. I guess if you are reading this that you want to hear another incredibly accurate tale from history. Whose history you may ask? The history according to me, of course.
I can see some of you still doubt the validity of my stories. I ask you, where did your version of history come from? The printed words on the pages of a book? Why are the words printed on this page on the Internet less valid than the ones taken from a book written by men, excuse me, or women, long since departed? As all the inhabitants of the times we are referring to are dead and gone, whom are you going to ask? History, especially ancient history is handed down through the ages by folklore.
Have you ever heard a story from a friend, that he heard from another friend that was told to him by his wife, who overheard it at work from a guy at the water cooler? Well, that is folklore, and was the story accurate? Who really knows for sure? The tale is going to be embellished, confused, added to, expanded, or details will be left out and forgotten. So sit yourself back and enjoy. If my story is not authentic enough for you, then watch the discovery channel.
Ah, it's good to be king. Yeah, that's me King Jim. I bet you think I have an easy job. It does have advantages, but there is a tremendous amount of stress associated with my work. With my busy schedule, I rarely have time to relax and just put my feet up. I also have to spend a lot more time on the road than I would like.
When I'm not traveling, I spend most of my time in the office. The paperwork that goes along with running a kingdom can be pretty overwhelming at times. The payroll in itself keeps me busy a couple of days a week. I can barely keep my head above water most of the time.
The complexion of my business changes constantly, you can never tell from day to day where opportunities may arise. For example, a few years back we made a killing on our crusade operation. Now, it's a break-even deal at best. I won't even go into that dragon farm fiasco, we all got burned badly on that deal. I very nearly lost my ass on that project, I'll tell you.
As profitable as business is, you always have to keep your eyes peeled for the corporate raiders trying a hostile take over. Just a few weeks ago, a bunch of crazy redheaded guys from up north wanted to buy me out. Well, I don't care what a man does in his own kingdom but in my neck of the woods men just don't wear dresses. I don't think they were expecting to greeted by boiling oil or throngs of sharp arrows. I politely declined their offer and sent them home.
All work and no play made me a lonely monarch. While I do still enjoy wielding my sword and rescuing damsels now and then. My life was missing something, and it became clear to me when I took off my shining armor each evening that I had no one to share my adventures. I needed a queen to greet me after a hard day on the throne.
I've been told that when a man takes a wife, he should marry for love. I'm afraid though, when you are a king this rarely happens. My wife was chosen for me as a strategic maneuver. I didn't even meet her until the wedding. Luckily for me, she was a real beauty. Maria Elana Lolita Romona Conchtia Esperanza, was from a southern dominion. I have to tell you, I can't usually remember her name. We all call her Mary, though she understands very little of what we say.
It is unnerving to try to communicate with Mary. When she tells me something, Mary talks so fast that the conversation is over before I even know it is me she was talking to. While it is difficult to converse, Mary does understand a hard cock.
As king, I've had wenches by the dozens. But Mary fucks like a woman on fire. I'm told it is because she was raised in a convent and taught by nuns. I barely get in the door at night when she attacks me. Between my work and my wife, the only rest I get is on the road these days.
Does it sound like I'm complaining? Well, I assure you all I am not. Mary has made life wonderful for me. She makes me feel like a king. Ok, that was a stupid remark. But if I could only change two things about her, then she would be perfect. I wish we could sit and talk, it would be wonderful to speak to her about our times together.
The other thing I would change is those goddamned sauces she insists on putting on all of my food. I find them offensive to my taste buds, they burn my mouth and tongue. If you have ever farted inside your suit of armor, then you know what I mean. The way a suit is built, it acts like a chimney. The gasses are directed up to my head and remain in my helmet until I can barely breathe.
My favorite time of year is tournament time. It's as close to a vacation as I ever get. It is a full fortnight of fun and frolic for all of us in the castle. I am especially looking forward to this years festivities. I have had several peons working round the clock to make the beaded necklaces that are thrown to the wenches for flashing their voluptuous boobs.
I was finishing up the employee evaluations for the year. The knights all get cranky if they don't receive their raises and bonuses on time. I had worked many hours of over time with my secretary the last few weeks. I know how upset Mary can get when I work late, but what is a king to do? The work had to be done before the Tournaments could begin.
When I got home that night, the lights were still on. This could only mean trouble, Mary was waiting for me. When she waited up it was usually not good. I get all sweaty and my head pounds when she starts her tirade. She yells so loud and fast I can never figure out why she is yelling at me. As I open the door to our chambers, I can tell right away this is going to suck.
"Where ju bean? Ju air late agin" She spat.
"Honey please calm down. You know I have to finish up the reviews at the office before the festival."
'Hijo de mil putas, ju can no treet me dis whay."
"Baby please, I've been working."
"Ju wark wit dis whore agin."
"What?"
"Ju... with... Puta... agin?"
"Oh, no Baby she's not a whore. She's my secretary."
"Ju say sex?"
"Mary. No sex, secretary... She... helps... me... with... work..." I said talking like an idiot.
"Ju rite abut dis, no sex Mary."
Oh fuck me, how the hell do I explain this to her.
"Ju cabrón, ju chit me. Mary cut ju huevos."
Mary, I no cheat you."
I was talking like the fool I am, now. God there has to be some relief some day. I love her so much, but I may as well be talking to my steed. At least he doesn't yell back at me.
The very next day before work I called Jeffery, my manservant.
"Jeff I need a big favor from you."
"Sir, I am afraid I do not comprehend your request."
I always forget. Jeffery can be as hard to talk to as Mary can sometimes.
"Jeffery, I wish for you to dispatch the Knights posthaste."
"To whence shall I dispatch them, Sire?"
"Have the men find the one that speaks in the tongue of the Queen as well as the King. Fetch them to me with no delay."
"As you wish my liege." He said as he bowed and backed away.
Jeff's a real good egg, but he needs to loosen up few notches. Maybe I can get him laid at the tournament. I'll work on that.
The knights rode off after breakfast to search the land for a translator. I had to end this crazy communication issue as soon as possible. Mary thought I was fucking my secretary, and she wouldn't even look at me.
The next few days were a nightmare, Mary locked me out of our chambers and I had to sleep on my throne. No, not that one you assholes, the big king chair. I tried every angle to get back in her good graces, with no luck. She wasn't willing to let it go it was really starting to piss me off.
I couldn't take it any longer, I needed to talk to somebody. Unfortunately all of the knights were at work. That left only Jeffery, the closest place to get a drink was the titty bar. Looking back this was a terrible mistake, at the time though it seemed like a real good idea.
I ordered a couple of meads for Jeff and me. Trevor, the barkeep, suggested we try a new drink that he had gotten from the crazy redheads that wore dresses. He called it scotch whiskey, it tasted like shit at first but after a few we didn't care about taste. I can't recall feeling quite like this before.
I told Jeff about the troubles I was having with Mary. We were commiserating and drinking, so we drank some more. About then I wasn't thinking too clearly, so I paid for a lap dance for my pal Jeff. As the wench danced and was rubbing her titties all over him, his eyes shot open and the first smile of his life began to appear on his face. Goddamn this chick was hot, I was getting hard watching her grind on Jeff's crotch.
"How's she doing there, Jeff?"
"It would appear, Sire, that my penis is becoming solid."
