Hiking Sticks

The sounds of the heart monitor woke me up. There were IV's attached to my hand. I brilliantly surmised I was in the hospital. And then the blackness overwhelmed me. I thought I was dying. I'm going to call what happens the darkness because I can't think of anything else. Sometimes it's like flicking a switch. Other times it's more like a fade.

The blackness cleared and I was looking at the ceiling, obviously the hospital ceiling. I wondered how I got here and what worked in my body. Hands, fingers, knees and toes all seemed to be working. There was sunlight shining through the window and then the blackness overwhelmed me again.

It was nighttime when the blackness cleared but, I really had no idea how much time had elapsed between the blackouts, I guess that's what they should be called.

I was looking at the ceiling again when the nurse asked me if I was alert. I wanted to laugh since my eyes were open. My daughter Amie was standing next to her, I had to tell her I forgot my sticks again. She cried. There was someone next to her, but the darkness was coming again. My daughter and I had gone on month long hiking trips and I frequently forgot my sticks. It was a running joke between us, and I had never seen her cry about it before.

There was a doctor standing next to me the next time the darkness cleared.

"Good morning Mr. Wescot. Can you stay with us for a few minutes."

The absurdity of the question made me smile but I nodded my head.

"What's the last thing you remember Mr. Wescot?"

"I forgot my sticks again."

That prompted a conversation between the doctor and other people in my room about what I meant about sticks. I heard Amie explaining it to him. There were other people talking but the darkness was there again.

It looked dark outside when I found myself staring at the ceiling. My wife was hovering above me. I heard her say, "Oh Jack." And then darkness. I was beginning to like the darkness. Like looking outside my tent in the middle of the night while camping on a mountain.

"Good morning, Mr. Wescot" I nodded.

"You realize you're in the hospital. Can you remember anything between going to get your sticks and waking up in the hospital, think hard please."

Like a warm blanket the darkness overwhelmed me.

Aimee was there the next time I woke up, "You should be in school hon. How many classes have you missed?"

"How can I concentrate in a class when my father is in the hospital?"

I saw her mother behind her and let the darkness come. But I could still hear Aimee yelling at her mother, "What the fuck did you do mom, every time you walk into the room, he blacks out again. Stay the fuck... "

I'm thinking there was more. That was the first time there was a lag that I could still hear after the darkness began.

"Mr. Wescot are you with me," said the doctor.

I nodded.

"There's no one else in the room besides you and me, can you stay with me."

I nodded again.

"You have some of the best doctor's in the country baffled by what's going on with you. I need you to walk me through what happened. Okay?"

I nodded.

"You were heading out to go backpacking. Do you remember that?"

I nodded

"You realized you forgot your hiking sticks and turned around; do you remember that?

I nodded.

"Do you remember returning home?"

The darkness came. There's a song with the line, "Hello darkness my old friend." I think I know what he was singing about.

Sometime later in the day, the doctor was sitting next to me. Maybe it was the same day.

"One question Mr. Wescot, do you remember retuning home?"

Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk to you again...

The darkness began to lift, I could hear my daughter yelling at her mother...

"What the fuck happened when he came home mom? He goes out every time the doctor gets him anywhere near the house, so what the fuck happened that put my father in an catatonic state..."

My mind wandered trying to remember what catatonic state meant.

I opened my eyes and saw my wife; I saw her lips moving but couldn't hear what she was saying. I began to think I had lost my hearing but then my daughter spoke, "Get the fuck out mom, get out and stay out. I don't want you anywhere near my father. Haven't you caused enough damage!"

Lately, the darkness has been more of a fade, this one was instantaneous. I was listening to my daughter and then nothingness. I liked the nothingness. The darkness was warm and comfortable like an old friend. I remember getting my first colonoscopy and the anesthesiologist told me he was giving me the best shit I ever had. He said count down from 10, I got to nine and this warmth filled me, and the lights went out. I tried to get my doctor to give me a colonoscopy every year.

"Mr. Wescot are you with me. I'm here with your daughter."

I nodded and smiled at Aimee. I loved that girl with every ounce of my body and soul.

"Can you describe what happens, what you're feeling when you blackout?"

I described what happened in my first colonoscopy. He had a handheld recorder but was furiously writing in a notepad.

"When was the first one you remember experiencing?"

"The first night I woke up and realized I was in the hospital. I thought I was dying."

Aimee was crying and squeezing me hand, I squeezed back.

"Were you afraid you were dying?"

"There was no time to be afraid."

"And the next time you were aware, did you realize you hadn't died?"

"Exactly."

"And what were you feeling the next time you blacked out."

"Different things, sometimes it happens so fast, I don't have time to realize it's happening. Almost like somebody turned out the lights. Sometimes it's like a slow fade, I find the darkness warm and comforting. Something to welcome and not fear. The old Simon and Garfunkel song, 'hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk to you again...' do you know the one I mean?"

The doctor was busily scribbling. Aimee was sobbing. I pulled her close to me, trying to comfort her.

"Anything else you can tell me?"

"Sometimes I can hear before the darkness clears and after it returns."

"Do you feel strong enough to sit up?"

"I know all my shit works, but I may need a little help."

The doctor stepped into the hallway and a couple of orderlies and a nurse came in. They slowly got me into a sitting position.

"It's important that you stay vertical as much as possible. It will reduce the risk of pneumonia. Now you said all your shit works, can you show me."

I did my hands, fingers, knees and toes thing. Aimee started laughing.

"How many times have you done that with me, dad?"

"I don't know but that's what I did the second time the darkness cleared. I knew I was in a hospital, but I didn't know why."

"Mr. Wescot, every time I ask you this question you blackout again, but you seem to be pretty alert today, please try and stay with us."

Aimee was really squeezing my hand, almost painfully.

"Do you remember anything between the time you turned around to get your sticks and waking up in the hospital."

I could feel the darkness, maybe because of Aimee's death grip I was able to keep the darkness away.

"No, I don't remember anything between the U-turn and here."

"Do you remember pulling into your driveway?"

I wanted the darkness; Aimee was pleading with me to stay with them. I said no to the doctor. I felt tears on my face, were they mine or Aimee's and then I felt the warmth of the darkness, it felt so good. Why couldn't I stay there. And I heard Aimee start sobbing and I realized that's why. I had to be strong for Aimee. It was always that way. But right now, I was going to join darkness, my old friend.

There was no concept of time during the darkness. It cleared and the doctor and Aimee were with me again. Aimee had on different clothes so maybe it was a different day.

"Tell me doc, did I have some kind of accident while driving home to get my sticks?"

"No, your wife found you in a catatonic state at the top of your stairs in your house..."

Boom Boom Boom, out went the lights. It was a quick one, the fastest in a long time. Normally I would let the darkness overcome me but this time I dove back in. I didn't want it to end. But all good things must end. For Aimee, I couldn't stay in the darkness forever.

Aimee and the doctor were there.

"How long was I out?"

"Almost a week dad."

"Seems like minutes ago. So, if I remember correctly, I wasn't in a car accident."

"No dad, you came into the house to get your sticks and found mom riding her boyfriend's cock. Judging by the doorbell camera, you were in a catatonic state for over an hour before mom found you and called 911. You were here for over a week before the first time you woke up."

She was squeezing my hand real hard, Aimee was crying, I was crying, the nurse was crying, even the doctor was crying. The memory of finding them came flashing back. I wanted the darkness, but it had abandoned me.

"There was a time my wife and I would go backpacking. Even before she was my wife. As soon as we could we resumed our backpacking after Aimee was born. And then it was the three of us. Somewhere in there it ended up being just Aimee and me. Once Aimee went off to college, I went by myself. My wife never put up an argument. I guess I know why."

Aimee was still sobbing and so was the nurse.

"Doc, I think it's time I got out of bed. Aimee, Josh King is my lawyer, can you ask him to come see me. I remember you telling your mom to stay the fuck out. Can we make that happen."

The doctor said, "Yes, she won't be allowed into the hospital and welcome back Mr. Wescot."