Robert and I were leaning against the headboard, the same one that my ex, I guess not so much 'ex'-lover anymore had tried to hammer my head through a few minutes earlier.
Alan left 'to let his dogs go potty' a few minutes earlier. I smiled at that, a man who'd leave the woman he'd just fucked for letting his dogs out couldn't be all bad.
It was a brief respite from my feeling of impending disaster. I was crying, trying to keep the tears wiped off my cheeks and not doing a very good job of it. "I'm so, so sorry," I told my husband, in between the near sobs.
He wrapped an arm around my shoulders, pulling me to him, "Hon? What?"
He still didn't get it. I looked at him, wiping tears off my cheeks, trying to calm myself, "I lied to you, sweetheart. Well, not exactly, but I didn't tell you everything, not nearly."
He lay there, waiting for me to continue.
I wiped another tear from my cheek, "I told you about Alan, but not everything. I didn't tell you how much I loved him. We were going to be married, at least I thought so." I took a deep breath, "It was why I didn't want to tell you about Alan in the first place, our first time. I didn't want to drag out my old memories because I was afraid... of exactly what happened... of what it could do to us, our marriage."
From the look on his face, I thought he was starting to understand, at least a little. I went on with a whisper, "I can't... put what happened back in a bottle, forget that it happened, forget how much I loved Alan..." and I know, my soft whisper, "that I still do."
I wiped away another tear, getting a little strength back that I was finally being honest with Robert, "I thought... that if we just went to dinner... nothing would happen. I tried, I really did. That it'd be okay. We could go home and... everything would be fine. But it's not fine. I can't..."
Robert was starting to understand, his face had turned white, fearing what was coming out of my mouth. So was I.
"I love you. I love our kids and our life together... but, but I can't just go back... and forget."
He was looking down, "So," looked back up at me, "what you're saying, you're going to choose him?"
At that, I burst into tears all over again. When I got myself back in control, "No... I don't know! I just know I can't just leave!" I tried to understand myself, "I... I... want... need... both..."
We lay quiet for the next several minutes. I felt like I needed my husband, "Sweetheart, make love with me?"
He looked toward me with a smile on his face, "Aren't you pretty sore?"
I nodded, "Uhuh, but it's a good sore. I still want you."
He rolled over toward me, we kissed and made slow, lingering love. The kind we'd done hundreds of times, probably thousands, but still special. It proved he still loved me... and I, him.
Next morning, we woke up a little before seven because our flight was at ten and we still needed to talk about what to do, reschedule or be at the airport.
Robert rolled over toward me, supporting his head on his elbow, "Daniella," it's always something important when he calls me 'Daniella'. "You love me, right?"
I nodded, "Of course I do..."
"Then I have a proposal to make. And let me finish before you say anything, even if you think it's crazy, okay?"
He had me more than intrigued, "Ookayy."
He hesitated, like it was something important. I guess it was, to both of us. I just wanted him to spit it out, whatever. "If we stayed and spent another night, it'd be at Alan's, right? And you'd sleep with him, wouldn't you?"
I wasn't sure how to answer that, honestly, I guess, "I... I'd want to... if it was okay with you."
"Then we'd go home Monday?"
I nodded affirmatively. "Absolutely!" No question about it.
"Then, what I suggest is... you stay, I go home. You come home tomorrow."
I looked at him in disbelief, that wasn't what I was expecting. "Love, we're in this together, whatever, we should both..."
He interrupted, "No, maybe we're in it together, but I'd just be an uncomfortable third wheel. You want time with Alan. This way, you won't have to keep looking over your shoulder... and I trust you."
I almost cried at that last, after I'd deceived him about Alan? I started to respond, no idea what to even say, when he held up his hand. "No, I know what you're going to say. And what happened last night was my fault more than yours. I'm the one who insisted on the dress. You were going to wear something simple... but I'm the one... who wanted to see you with him. Why do you think I invited him to our room? To have a drink with us?" He let out a little laugh after that.
"Sweetheart, I can't, I... just... can't."
"Hon, I've been awake nearly all night thinking about this. And you know what conclusion I came to?"
I wiped another tear, "No, what?"
"I know you love me. And despite last night, I don't think any man can come between us. Do you?"