Heaven & Hell - Can't Fool April!

This is a piece for the

Literotica April Fools Story Contest 2025

collection of stories, it was originally a standalone but those that have had a beta read think it would actually make a good starter for further tales. If someone wants to take the idea and spin it into further Heaven & Hell tales feel free. I'm likely to come back with a few more variants on the theme once I've cleared the backlog of works currently underway.

I need to thank 29wordsforsnow for editing this piece for me, plus nudging me along the path as it headed for completion. As always, I can't resist a very final tinker, if there's a cock up, it'll be on me.

*******************************

"I saw that!"

I stopped dead. A quick glance around me highlighted I was the only one about to walk out of the Wetherspoons, so whoever it was, they were speaking to me. I tried to keep walking, but something made me stop, and see who it was. Turning, there was an overweight bloke wearing a Manchester United football club jersey. Fortyish, balding, with a dreadful haircut that looked like a five year old had done it. Sat at a table, he was nonchalantly stuffing a burger in his mouth as he looked at me.

"I'm sorry, were you talking to me?"

There was a small gap in time as he took a bite from his burger not caring a jot he'd stopped me as I was leaving the pub.

"

Chomp...

Yeah, I...

chomp... chew...

saw that on Friday."

I felt a little queasy as a big blob of ketchup and cheese dripped from the burger that he was cramming into his mouth, before sliding down his football jersey like greasy, volcanic lava.

I should have kept walking, I couldn't care less he had seen me doing something last Friday, it was no big deal as far as I was concerned. But he obviously thought it was important. Cocking my head, I asked him the obvious question.

"What

'that',

is it you saw last Friday then?"

He kept munching on the burger, the words barely audible as he continued to chomp away.

"No...

chomp, chomp...

not last Fri...

chomp...

day, Friday coming...

chomp, chomp.

"

Oh! here we go. A wannabe comedian.

"Stop talking shit, I mean, like tomorrow, Friday? Who the fuck do you think you are!"

"I'm God...

chomp, chomp

, pleased to meet you April Stone."

"Ha! I knew it! Of course! It's bloody Thursday the 1st April. A fucking corny April Fool's joke. Well boo-hoo, just seen right through it! So come on, who put you up to this, eh? What smartass was it? Let's think, was it Cheryl?... no I reckon it was Andrea. She's stupid enough to waste a few quid on something like this."

Wiping his mouth on his sleeve as the last of the burger thankfully disappeared, he sat looking puzzled for a moment, scratching his chin. It was followed by a large, disgusting drawn-out belch, before he spoke.

"Now, let's get this straight. Is Cheryl the one that dates the surgeon that rebuilds what's left of your face? Meets him with her husband visiting you in hospital, before she kicks her husband into touch? Or is she the one that has a black baby when her husband is lily white?"

Suddenly, he clicked his fingers.

"Oh yeah, she dates the surgeon then marries him once her divorce comes through! Shame, I had them down for staying the course until she met your surgeon."

I shook my head at this silly old clown. He was doing his best trying to yank my chain and it was already wearing thin. Time to go on the offensive.

"Look, I'm getting pissed off with this, who are you, and who put you up to this?"

He sighed, shaking his head like I was a petulant five year old.

"You lot never get it, do you? I told you, I'm God, and I just saw that."

I don't like playing silly games and I started to get angry with this buffoon.

"Stop talking in riddles, you moron! What's this 'that' that you've seen?"

He looked at me with a determined look.

"You, fucking your life up. I just saw that on Friday, so I thought I'd come here today, Thursday."

What was his problem? Talk about a wind-up merchant!

"Look, you may think you're very, very funny, and whoever thought this up, they need to take a bow now. It's a classy April Fool's day joke but get a life! Whoever it was that set this up, you can report back - busted! This April ain't no fool!"

I put my hands palm down on the table, and leant in, trying to look menacing.

"OK, God, spill it. Which one of my friends put you up to playing this prank? I mean, only three people know I'm here."

He coughed, then looked at me with a rather serious face.

"That's not strictly true, April. Andrea, Simone and Cheryl know, after all, you did let on. Then there's me, my brother and let's not forget Jake Smallcock... nope... sorry, scratch that, that's what he's got, not his name. I meant Jake Smallman. You know, the man you sat in the booth with over there. Holding hands, sneaky little kiss as you made plans for him to come around on his day off tomorrow, as in Friday, at eleven o'clock to fuck you."

What the fuck, he was one sick motherfucker, clearly earwigging on my private affairs! Time to put him straight.

"What are you... some peeping Tom that gets off listening in on people's private conversations?"

The cheeky bastard laughed at me.

"Now, that doesn't make sense, April. You must mean a listening Tom not a peeping Tom, if all I've heard is a conversation? I didn't need to listen in, as I can hear everything, and everyone. Like I said, I'm God."

"But yeah, I did see you, on Friday, in your house, your bedroom, just before noon. Like I said, I saw that, what you're going to do. That's why I'd thought I'd come and see you today."

I'd begun to feel like a roman candle about to explode. He was determined to keep winding me up further and further. I upped the ante.

"Fuck you, creep! I ought to report you to the manager and get you thrown out! Anyway, I'm going now!"

I started to walk away, he wasn't fazed in the slightest as he lifted his pint of Guinness towards his mouth.

"Going to be a shame, I thought I'd be able to save Kieran at twelve tomorrow, he's a good guy. I even considered saving you, but hey! Win some, lose some!"

Reaching the door, it was bothering me. I stood, running back over the last few days. My husband, Saint bloody Kieran, had done it again on Saturday. It was supposed to be our date night, I'd spent ages getting ready and just as we went to get in the taxi, our doddery old neighbour came out, their electrics kept tripping. They know he's an electrician, so Kieran put me in the taxi, said he would have a quick look, then catch up with me in a little while once he could fix their problem. He promised it was probably just a breaker or some what-not.

Ten minutes later, I was well pissed off. He messaged something about mice, cables... I'm not an electrician, it was mumbo-jumbo. I may not be an electrician, but I am his bloody wife and our Date night is Date night. I sent him a snotty message as a reply.

His response was for me to go enjoy myself with our friends, go let my hair down like the old days and he'll crack on and sort our neighbours, can't be leaving pensioners sitting in the cold and dark.

I was fuming as we hit a club after the pub. The boys hung around drinking whilst the girls hit the dance floor, it jacked me off that he was a bloody saint, I decided what I needed was a sinner. My dancing was down, dirty and suggestive and sure enough... along came a sinner. Making sure I was as far away from the guys as possible, we bumped and definitely grinded. I mean, my husband did say go let my hair down like the good old days. Only difference was, I had no shared flat like in my uni days to go back to shag his brains out. We ended up sneaking into the ladies, and had a serious make-out session partially clothed, with my 'girls' out. And that's why I was here this Thursday mid-morning. To meet him again, Jake, to have a drink away from preying eyes, and make a commitment to have him come round tomorrow to fuck the living daylights out of me at home. I needed some sin in my life.

But how did this fat creep sitting here know? I made a point to sit in the back booth, there was nobody near us, how the fuck did he know what I was planning for Friday? Suddenly, I snapped out of those thoughts, turned around. Changing my tune might give answers to what were now worrying thoughts.

"Look, you're creeping me a little, OK? I haven't spoken to anyone, nobody was near, you couldn't have overheard me. How do you know what my plans are for tomo..."

"Because he's God. She's not twigged yet, has she."

What the fuck? Now there's two of them, somebody that's obviously his twin brother sauntered past me to sit next to his brother. His Manchester City jersey was a couple of sizes too small as it stretched obscenely around his stomach, leaving a couple inches between it, and the top of his trousers where a forest of black hair spouted from, that made me want to gag. I didn't remember them being there but there was another Guinness along with a plate of chips and a couple of hot dogs. God chirped up.

"Big D! Glad you could pop by!"

His brother came right on back.

"Yeah Big G, been busy, had a pedo to collect. Had to rewatch Pixar's Puss-in-Boots, to get that mournful look just so right. I tell you, it always cracks me up. Letting them listen and watch their supposed victim give them hell before they drop. Bet they'd have kittens if they found out it was really me."

They were disgusting and I let rip.

"Who

are

you? You're even sicker than him with all this made-up shit!"

They looked at each other. He'd called him 'Big D', when he walked in, and Big D shook his head as he spoke.

"Big G, I thought you said this one was smarter than the average bear. I mean, you've told her who you are? Surely, you don't need to be a rocket scientist to work out who I am."

He turned and looked at me, then started to talk to me condescendingly as if I was a small child.

"If he's Big G, then what's the opposite? I'll give you a clue. Very red, lots of screaming, hotter than Turkey in the middle of August, and it's a one-stop kinda place?"

He stared at me, appearing somewhat bemused, expecting me to play his stupid game. When I find out whatever so-called friend had put these clowns up to this April Fool prank, they will suddenly find themselves with one friend less and bleeding ears from all the grief I planned to dish out. Irritated I wouldn't play, he did something... unexpected. He puffed his cheeks before blowing the air out, except it wasn't air. A flame, followed by a ring of smoke shot from his mouth. I stood stunned, with my mouth open as they both slow-clapped me.

Big D looked at me, raised his hand and pointed at his brother.

"Him Big G, like as in, God."

He then put his finger to his chest.

"Me, Big D... as in Devil."

I couldn't help but stare at them. They were madder than a box of frogs on a Sunday. It started as a giggle, then a little laugh. In the end, I had to put my arms under my ribs, as they started to hurt because I couldn't stop, and my eyes were watering too.

"I've gotta hand it to you both, you play these parts so well this little double act of yours is almost believable. And the little sneaky tricks. I bet you put a secret thing-ma-jig listening thing over in that booth somewhere, so you could hear us. And you, some fancy Chinese gismo from TEMU probably, to make it look like you can breathe fire."

As I was laughing, the Devil decided to fill one of his hot-dogs with ketchup and mustard. I quickly came back to my senses as, just like his brother, the sauces dripped down his football jersey as he stuffed the hot-dog unceremoniously into his mouth, chewing away without closing it. Just watching him made me want to heave.

"Didn't anyone ever show you two any manners?"

They looked at each other, shrugging their shoulders.

"Right, I've had enough of this charade. Whoever booked you, please tell them I was impressed by your acting abilities, they got their money's worth." I turned and started to walk away as the Devil started to speak to his brother with a mouthful of food.

"Well...

chomp... chew

I'll be fucking there to collect...

chomp... chomp

Kieran. His fucking top drawer stuff you know, almost...

chomp...

saint-like! I gotta go get a snapshot or video for my files... was it Saturday just gone?"

Again, I stopped, something yet again compelling me to turn back to listen to the two sick bastards. Then suddenly, I'd clocked why they were quite fake.

"Right, you aren't who you claim to be, and I can prove it."

They looked at each other, a smirk and a nod apiece. Somehow, God had yet another Guinness in front of him, he necked half of it before speaking.

"Well this is a first. OK, little miss Einstein, spill it."

This was going to be fun.

"Football jerseys. Manchester United are known as the Red Devils. God wouldn't support anything to do with the Devil."

They looked at each other and nodded. They seemed impressed at the fact I'd unmasked them. God replied matter of factly.

"Nah, it just boils down to the fact that they are the better team, got jack all to do with the na..."

"Horse...

chomp...

shit!"

I recoiled as the Devil sprayed the table with a mouthful of partially chewed chips and continued splattering food left, right and centre as he spoke.

"Just look at the stats over the last couple of years."

God spat back. This was a raw nerve.

"Don't forget you cheated in fifty-eight, nobbling their plane at Munich. Don't think I didn't know you had a hand in it! That's plain cheating."

Initially they laughed, and I couldn't see what they found funny. Then I rolled my eyes. 'Plain' cheating. I remembered the Manchester United team were in a 'plane' crash years ago. The short burst of laughter stopped as they glared at each other briefly before snorting and looking away elsewhere around the pub. In the end, their gazes fell back on me. The Devil put his knife and fork on the empty plate, pushing it towards the centre of the table through the sea of chips bits that had squirted from his mouth. His face was a mess of sauce which disappeared as his sleeve wiped the detritus away in one swipe of an arm. I mean, is the real Devil this much of a slob? It set a fit of giggles off in me. God dropped his gaze, slowly shaking his head with what I could only describe as a look of disappointment filled his face.

"I've got to hand it to the pair of you, staying in character above and beyond being outed."

They now seemed to ignore me, going back to looking at each other. The Devil spoke to God.

"You gave it your best shot, I know you wanted to save Keiran, sometimes you can't help but have a shitty day. Now, it was Saturday it started, in the ladies, wasn't it? Got a bit more to go on... don't want to stand around peeking at a load of women pissing all night, that's just plain creepy."

God spoke, he was clearly dejected.

"Twelve minutes past one, Sunday morning actually, she went out Saturday night, rocked up in the club at eleven thirty."

The Devil got up, walking off towards the toilets. I looked at him quizzically as he walked past me.

"Need a pee, want to wash my hands, bit sticky from the food, and need a video for my files."

God looked at me again, he now looked a little pissed. His phone started to ring, he answered a video call. He sat the phone down on the table so I could see the Devil on his screen as he dried his hands. Picking the phone up, I recognised the club, and not this pub's toilets. Yet some more of their jiggery-pokery. They should have a magic show, like that Penn and Teller had. He went into a cubicle, climbed on the seat then started filming the next cubicle. I was mortified.

"You dirty pair of creeps, you were fucking spying on me, ugh, I'm gonna report you to the cops, that's illegal!"

There I was, getting it on with Jake, he had my tits out, greedily sucking on them. It felt hot when he was doing it, seeing it like this... it just looked bloody seedy. I couldn't help it, watching myself for the minute he had obviously recorded it for. But then it went weird, and I couldn't fathom out how they were doing it.

The Devil stepped down, out of the stall, as he left the ladies toilet through the door, he stepped... he stepped... straight back into the pub as in here and now, which I quickly confirmed by whipping around to see him walking towards us with the phone still focused on his face. I felt perplexed and needed answers.

"How did you do that, where have you been?"

He came and sat back down, supping down half a fresh Guinness. That was another thing, I seemed to miss the bar staff coming and going with the drinks. I needed to be more alert if I was going to unmask their tricks.

He ignored me, and spoke to his brother.

"Just need the other clip, the one that's going to condemn him. What day is it, where and what time."

God looked at him, but didn't answer. His brother called him out.

"Don't sulk, it doesn't suit you. Tell you what, she comes along on the day, how about that. Does that make you feel better?"

God looked up smiling.

"Really, you'd do that for me?"

The Devil rolled his eyes, smiling.

"You're my brother, doesn't always have to be you versus me in competition. If it makes you feel better, consider it an early birthday present."

God spoke up.

"We need to go to Friday, as in tomorrow, this week."

The Devil came cheerfully back.

"No problemo then. So who's taking her to Friday?"

I snorted, which drew their attention back to me.

"OK, smart Alecs. I don't know how you just mixed that recording into that real time video chat, but you can't take me to Friday. You can take me to different places, but not different days of the week."

God held out an index finger to me.

"Pull my finger."

I shook my head and laughed at him, I wasn't falling for this schoolboy prank.

"No. I pull your finger, you fart, much to the amusement of you and your brother."

"Scouts honour. Pull my finger. You'll go to Friday, as in tomorrow, eleven forty one in the morning, your home, your bed. You'll get the chance to watch Keiran conde..."

The Devil cut across him.

"Nah, nah, nah, let her wait to see herself. If we are going to do this, then we just do it. Just pull his bloody finger, for Christ's sake. You'll experience something that no human's ever experienced."

They were once again starting to piss me off. Rolling my eyes yet again I grabbed his finger, which prompted his face to scrunch up as a loud, wet fart seemed to go on for ages. The pair of fat, overweight bastards! They had crossed a boundary.

But weirdly, the air filled with the smell of...

God smiled.

"What, that must be what you were expecting. Farts that smell of roses?"

He nodded towards his brother.

"Now his farts, you weren't in the trenches of world war one when he went through his vindaloo phase!"

Too much, I finally snapped as I began shouting and screaming at them.

"That's it! I'm up to here with both of you! I'm going to let my brothers know about you, that there's two fat, ugly, balding twin brothers that like playing sick jokes on people, recording women in the toilets, are about as disgusting a pair of human beings you would ever come across. Now fuck you, I'm leaving, right now! All this bullshit about fucking time travel! You almost had me... for a few seconds I really thoug..."

The Devil looked at me, holding a double gin and tonic up that I had no memory of asking for.